Hello poor misguided cheeldren. Back for more randomness I see? Well it doesn't get much stupider than this.

When I get stuck for a Death Eater title to inspire me, I often ask my friends for an idea. It was then that the genius commonly known as Bex came up with such an evil, such an ingenious title that it had me shaking where I sat... with laughter. This one's for Bex! She gave me the title, and this is what I made from it...

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The Death Eaters go swimsuit shopping

It was a boiling hot July day at the Death Eater's house, and for once, nothing in particular was going on, for the simple reason that everyone was too tired to do anything.

Voldemort was lying fully clothed in the empty bath. Bellatrix was sprawled on her bed with her windows wide open, so motionless that if she hadn't been breathing, you could have thought she was dead.

Rodolphus was hanging out out of the attic window, Barty was sitting in the shade of the laburnum tree, trying to catch the water from next door's sprinkler. Lucius had his head in the sink, Wormtail was trying to fit into the freezer and Rabastan had taken refuge in the garden pond, only his head was visible as he sat among the water lilies. The only Death Eater who probably wasn't hot was Dolohov, who had disappeared into his wardrobe and hadn't been seen for several hours.

Voldemort, unknown to everyone else, was not lying fully clothed in an empty bath simply because it was a way to cool down. It was his favourite place to plot, and right now, he was plotting for an effective way for he and his minions to cool off.

As many of you may have already deduced, the Death Eaters are not the brightest members of the human race, and so as Lord Voldemort lay there in the bath tub, it took him several minutes before he came up with a suitable plan.

"HA!" He shouted, leaping out of the bath. "MINIONS!"

The Death Eater's heard their master's shout, even Lucius who had his head under the water in the sink. Not, however, Dolohov, who was in, well, we all know where he was.

"What is it my lord?" Snape asked.

"We are going swimming!" Voldemort replied.

"Swimming?" Bellatrix asked. "But the chlorine will ruin my hair."

"Yeah!" Lucius agreed.

"You can wear swim caps," Voldemort said dismissively.

"But I can't swim," Wormtail squeaked.

"Then you better learn," Voldemort replied.

"We haven't got any swimming costumes," Rodolphus pointed out.

"Then we'll have to," Voldemort gulped. "Go and get some from a muggle shop."

There was a small gasp from around the room.

"What's wrong with that?" Voldemort snapped. "All of you in the mini van now!"

The Death Eaters arrived at the sport's shop a few minutes later. They all traipsed in in their black robes, much to the shock of the shopkeeper.

"Can I help you?" He asked.

"We are looking for some wimming costumes," Voldemort declared.

the shopkeeper pointed over at a wire rack on which hung a large variety of swimsuits. The Death Eaters gathered round it and there was pandemonium.

"I need something with floats in it," Wormtail said, looking through the children's section.

"Rabastan, I'm serious," Rodolphus was saying to his brother who was holding up a pair of lime green swimming trunks. "You wear those and I'll disown you."

"Snape, what are you having?" Lucius asked. He recieved a knife like look from Snape.

"I'm not swimming," he replied shortly.

"Oh, OK," Lucius said cheerily. "How about this?" He held up a pink frilly swimming costume.

"Oh for heaven's sake," Snape sighed. "Muggle women wear them, Lucius, not the men, they wear these." He held up a pair of swimming trunks.

"Well I'm not putting them on," Lucius said sulkily. "I like a healthy-"

"Yes, we know the line," Snape said quickly.

"Ha!" Voldemort was saying, holding up a pair of speedos. The others froze.

"My lord," Barty said. "You're not wearing, those are you?"

"Whyever not?"

"Well," Bellatrix said, looking a little green. "Er, never mind..."

"Are we all finished?" Voldemort asked.

"Just about," Rodolphus replied, who was trying to tug the lime green swimming trunks out of his brother's grasp. With one firm tug from Rabastan, Rodolphus gave up with an exhasperated sigh.

They marched up to the counter and paid, the shopkeeper looking a little frightened, and then left.

"No," Voldemort said. "Onwards to the pool!"

When they arrived at the pool, the Death Eaters were rather irritated to discover that half of the population of the muggle town had beaten them to it. The pool was filled with children and their parents. Children swimming, children floating about on inflatable ducky rings, children screaming and shouting and generally making pests of themselves. Snape sat down in a chair beside the pool and began to read, '100 ways to make students lives miserable' .

"Oh how I hate children," Voldemort glared. And the other Death Eaters had to agree.

They walked over to the poolside and got into the water. The pool fell silent as they got in. Some mothers ushered their children out of the pool.

"You had to wear the frilly one," Voldemort said to Lucius, who was wearing the pink frilly swimming costume.

"Yes," Lucius sniffed.

The pool slowly went back to normal, although it was noticed that everyone left quite a space between them and the Death Eaters.

Not that the Death Eaters minded this, they enjoyed being feared. So it was a bit of a surprise and a shock to them when one small boy waded right up to them and gave them an evil grin, causing the Death Eaters to shudder.

Normally, they would not be afraid of a small dark haired, six year old boy. But it just so happened that this boy was all too familiar to them, and the moment they caught sight of him, they wished that they had stayed at home instead of ever coming.

"Stewart Mallory," Voldemort glared. "What a... nice surprise to meet you here."

Stewart just kept on grinning in that calculating way of his that made Voldemort feel most uncomfortable, and relieved when Stewart averted his gaze and instead gave Lucius's costume a once over with his eyes, and, with the same expression of disdain, taking in Rabastan's lime green swimming trunks.

"Tom!" Came a cry from the other end of the pool. Voldemort flinched. Stewart Mallory was evil, but his mother was just plain irritating.

"Oh, hello Mrs Mallory!" Voldemort said, putting on his fakest grin. "What a pleasure it is to see you here."

"Oh you know what," she said. "You have no idea how strange it is to see you here. Little Stewart was just begging to come here today, he was going on about how he couldn't wait to see Mr Riddle and his friends. I have no idea how he knew you would be here."

"Me neither," Voldemort replied, glancing warily at Stewart. "Well anyway, we were going to go into the deep end. You don't want your little boy up there, do you?"

"On the contrary," Mrs Mallory said. "I believe in character building. I can't come up there, I was going to catch some sun, could you be a dear and look after him?"

"Well actually-"

"Excellent," the muggle cut in. "Take care darling! Remember to wear your armbands!"

And she got out of the pool and took a seat next to Snape after giving him a cheery wave. He grimaced in reply and she sat down, put on a pair of sunglasses and lay back for a sleep.

The Death Eaters, who had been watching this, and feeling sorry for Snape, hadn't realised that Stewart had disappeared.

"Where's he gone?" Voldemort said with a jump as he realised that the boy was no longer there.

They drew closer together, looking around for any sign of Stewart.

"Where is he?" Rabastan asked. "WHERE IS HE!"

"Control yourself man!" Rodolphus said. "He's somewhere, you can count on that. And up to no good, I'll be bound."

At that moment, Lucius gave a shriek, the Death Eaters looked to where he was pointing and they saw Stewart at the bottom of the ladder to the highest diving bored, and giving them an evil grin.

"No!" Voldemort cried. "His mother will kill me if anything happens to him! One of us has to go after him!"

All of the Death Eaters looked at each other.

"I nominate Barty!" Wormtail squeaked. He flinched at the murderous glare that he recieved from his nominee. "Well I can barely reach the first wrung." Wormtail pointed out.

"That's decided then," Voldemort said. "Crouch. Retrieve that child."

With one last glare at Wormtail, Barty climbed out of the pool and hurried over to the small boy.

"Well look who it is," Stewart smirked. "It's the amateur practical joker."

"Come HERE!" Barty said, ignoring this last comment, and with that, he leapt at the cackling little boy, but was not quick enough as Stewart shot up the ladder and by the time Barty had picked himself off the ground, Stewart was at the top.

Furious, Barty scrambled up, and froze as he saw Stewart, about to jump off the diving board into the pool far below.

"Aaw," Stewart said. "Not scared of heights, are we?"

"No," Barty said quickly.

"Need to ask permission of your mummy to come up this high, do you?" Stewart smirked, not expecting the horrible reaction that would come from this comment as Barty fixed him with a very dangerous glare.

"DON'T," He cried. "TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!"

He ran towards Stewart, perhaps a tad unwisely, as Stewart did a neat side step and Barty went careering off the end of the diving board.

"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"

The Death Eaters, meanwhile, were watching their comrade plummet towards the pool. He hit the water with a huge splash, soaking nearly everyone, except for Stewart's mother, who was now sound asleep.

Snape shot Barty a nasty look, and dabbed at the pages of his now soaking book with the corner of his robes.

Barty waded towards them, every inch of him soaking wet.

"Never again," he said after a moments pause of the others looking at him and trying with all of their might not to laugh. "I am never, chasing that brat again."

At that moment, Rabastan gave a yelp. Stewart had snuck underwater whilst they weren't watching and had bitten Rabastan on his big toe.

Whilst Rodolphus set about trying to calm down his brother, the others went under the water to try and get the six year old pirahna.

Voldemort saw Stewart dart behind the legs of a group of muggles and disappear from view. They resurfaced.

"I had no idea," said Voldemort. "That six year olds could swim underwater."

"That is no normal six year old," Barty said.

"It's clearly not safe in the water," Voldemort said. "What shall we do?"

Suddenly, a loud whistle blew, and a lifeguard pulled out a large aray of floating objects, including three huge floating mats. Voldemort suddenly had a diabollical idea...

"Lucius! No, wait, I'll get off, you get on, ARGH!"

SPLASH!

Lucius fell off the mat and landed in the water again, showering his master in water. The other Death Eaters watched them wearily from their mats.

"I Christan you," Rodolphus said, from the mat holding himself, Rabastan and Bellatrix. "The HMS Lestrange!"

"The what Lestrange, Rodolphus?" Voldemort asked with narrowed eyes.

"Her Majesty's Ship," Rodolphus replied proudly. He broke off at Voldemort's still narrowed eyes.

"I mean, erm, the Dark Lord's Ship, of course..."

"Gerroff!" Came a cry from the other mat. "My Lord! Barty's trying to push me off!"

"Why did I have to get stuck on a ship with you anyway?" Barty glared.

"Now listen up!" Voldemort said, throwing them each an ordinary float. "You are to use these as paddles. The waters around here aren't safe for us to swim in. You never know when our enemy might attack. Our mission is to find and retrieve Stewart Mallory from these waters." He looked around at the Death Eaters. Each face was the picture of terror. "Alive." He added.

Rabastan gulped.

"Rodolphus," he said, turning to the DLS Lestrange. "Take your crew into the shallows. Dangerous waters, they are. Full of nasty little children."

Rodolphus nodded.

"Barty," Voldemort continued, turning to the DLS Crouch. "You and Wormtail go into the deep end."

"The d-deep end, my lord?" Wormtail shuddered. Voldemort nodded.

"Yes," he said. "The open waters. Not many people go up there. You'll be on your own. But keep an eye out for the monster. Chances are he'll be prowling around out there."

Barty took a deep breath and saluted solemnly.

"Lucius and I will cover the middle," Voldemort said. "Now set sail!"

Using the floats as oars, the Death Eaters floated out to their positions, continually looking around them and beneath them for signs of Stewart. But he was nowhere to be seen... for now.

"I'm going forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards, over the Irish sea!" Rabastan sang. "With a bottle of rum, to fill my tum, and that's the life for me!"

"Rabastan," Rodolphus sighed. "We are not on the Irish sea, there is no rum, and if you don't stop singing, Bellatrix and I will throw you overboard."

"Is this treachery I'm 'earing?" Rabastan asked his brother dangerously.

"I'm the Captain vhere," Rodolphus replied.

"There'll be too many Captains on this 'ere ship," Rabastan growled. "I'll be plannin' a mutiny..."

Bellatrix just raised her eyebrows.

Meanwhile, on the good ship Crouch...

"Look," Barty said. "Let's get one thing clear. I am in charge here, what I say goes. Now you are going to row and I'm going to sit back and laugh at you, kapische?"

"Yes, yes, all right," Wormtail muttered.

Barty gave a satisfied smirk and glanced casually around. Just for one moment, he could have sworn he saw a few bubbles of air rise to the surface of the pool, but he couldn't be sure. He put on his goggles and leant over the side of the floating mat, if Stewart was there, he'd be able to see him.

"AAARRRGGGHHHH!" Barty yelled, falling into the water with a splash.

"Barty?" Wormtail said, whipping around. But he was gone.

Abandoning all oars, Wormtail reached into the water and grabbed Barty's goggles that had fallen off him when he had fallen into the water. Wormtail looked around in the water. There was no sign of Barty or Stewart anywhere.

He drew his head out of the water and took some deep breaths. Stewart had got Barty, he would be next. He had to warn the others.

He turned back to his floats, but they were gone! He saw them floating off far out of reach. Now there was no way of getting to shore!

He started to panic. He couldn't swim properly, and the only thing that stopped him from sinking were the floats inside his costume.

He gulped. He had to reach those floats. He could jump off and get them, but that would run the risk of Stewart getting him too. He could stay there, but that would mean crisping slowly like a rat kebab in the sun and with no way of getting back.

He thought.

He would stay there.

"Lucius!" Voldemort said. "Look!"

Lucius made a telescope out of his hands and looked to where Voldemort was pointing.

"It's Wormtail adrift on his own!" The lookout cried. "What happened to Barty?"

"The monster got him I expect," Voldemort said. "Oh well."

"Shall we go and rescue Wormtail my lord?" Lucius asked.

"Are you mad?" Voldemort exclaimed. "The monster's lurking around there, it would be suicide to go over there ourselves."

"Oh... OK."

"I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

Rodolphus and Rabastan were arguing over who was the captain, and suddenly, Rabastan came up with an idea.

"Why don't we ask Bellatrix?" He suggested.

"Excellent idea!" Rodolphus smirked. He turned to his wife. "Bella," he said. "My little poisonberry, which one of us is the Captain? And may I say that you look ravishing in that costume."

Bellatrix raised her eyebrows at him.

"You know what," she smiled sweetly. "I think I know who the captain is. Just turn around and I'll tell you."

"It's going to be me," Rodolphus whispered to his brother with a smirk.

"You'll be lucky," Rabastan glared.

"The Captain of this ship is," Bellatrix said, and shoved them into the water. "ME! HA!"

The two shocked Death Eaters submerged.

"All right," Bellatrix said after a few minutes. "Joke's over you two. Come back."

But nobody came out of the water.

"Guys?" She leant over the mat and looked in. They were gone.

Suddenly, the mat began to shake, Bellatrix clung onto the sides but it was too late, the mat upturned and she fell into the water with a loud splash.

"It's OK," Wormtail was saying to himself. He had rethought his plan of staying on the mat, and decided to brave the danger filled waters to get back the floats. "It's just water, you can do it, on the count of three you're going to jump. One... Two... AARRGGH!"

But poor Wormtail didn't need to jump in, because something pulled him in, and it may be wondered how he was able to be pulled underwater if he had his floats in his swimming costume, well the stupid rat left them on the mat, thinking they would weigh him down.

So then there were just two brave sailors left, who were watching their comrades getting picked off like flies, and bother wondering which one of them would be next.

"We have to get to shore now," Voldemort said. "Turn us around, Lucius!"

"Er, Captain," Lucius said. "You should see this."

"What?" Voldemort turned around, and his eyes widened in shock. Swimming towards them, zipping through the water like a shark, was Stewart Mallory.

"ROW! NOW!" Voldemort yelled, Lucius paddled as fast as he could, they reached the edge just in time, and leapt onto the side of the pool. Stewart glared at them,

"Where are the others?" Voldemort demanded.

"Like I would tell you!" Stewart replied, getting out of the pool.

However at that moment, Snape took off his sunglasses and stood up. He walked over to Stewart and took a firm grip on his shoulder, Stewart looked up at him nervously.

"Where are they?" Snape asked firmly.

"In th- the kiddies pool," Stewart replied.

"Thank you Snape," Voldemort smiled.

Snape shrugged.

"Life is pointless," he said as if it was a reply, and returned to his seat, still keeping a grip on Stewart's wrist.

"There you lot are!" Voldemort sighed, wading into the kiddies pool. The small children screamed and ran out.

The other Death Eaters were having a terrible time being tied to the side of the pool with strings of goggles tied together. Rabastan was muttering 'Over the Irish Sea' under his breath, clearly frightened into meaningless babble.

By the time Voldemort and Lucius had freed them and got back to Snape, Stewart's mother had woken up.

"Oh Tom," she said. "Thank you for looking after my baby. He's had such a lovely time, haven't you sweetheart?"

Stewart nodded, grinning evilly at the Death Eaters.

"I'll give you a call next time I need a babysitter," she smiled. "Bye!"

The Death Eaters arrived home and collapsed in the living room. At that moment, Dolohov walked in, a large bowl of ice cream in his hands.

"Hi guys," he said. "Where did you go?"