A/N Enjoy this update since it'll take awhile before I post again. I'm heading on a vacation in a few hours and I'll be gone for a little over a month. I know, I know it sucks. But I promise you that I'll make it up with lots and lots of updates when I'm back ;) Thank you for the reviews, I hope you'll like it and see you soon. Have a great summer break everyone xx
As I find myself in the same situation over and over again, I realise that I couldn't do this anymore. I tried to ignore the secrets, the anguish, the hurt but I couldn't keep it up. It was too much. Too much for a simple teenage girl like me to handle. Changes needed to occur. And as she sits in front of me, eyes fixated on her lap, I contemplate what to say. What to do.
"Alex, I can't do this anymore."
She's still looking down. And she's still fiddling with her hands. She knew that this was coming. She knew it the moment she stepped in here.
"This just can't happen any longer."
And still no change occurs in her posture. No words spill from her mouth. No shock or horror paint her beautiful features.
"Just say something, Alex. Please?"
She's doing it again. She's choosing to take the easy path in difficult times. You know the silly behaviour you used to display when not wanting to hear the painful truth. You would cover your ears and annoyingly shout 'I can't hear you', when you heard damn well what was said. That's what she was doing right now. Just in a more subtle way, but with the same desired effect.
"Alex, you can't keep on doing this to me."
"Doing what Paige?"
"You know what, Alex."
She lowers her gaze again. As if she's ashamed of what I just said. Scared to see my actual facial reaction.
"I … I can't keep on pretending. I can't act as if this is most common thing ever."
She's a total mute again, and I can slowly hear the barriers that are being cemented around her fragile body. The same barriers that I worked so hard on breaking off.
"This has to stop now."
As I utter that sentence, she raises her face and brokenly looks at me. Suddenly the noise of cemented barriers briefly halt. With that single look, she's asking me to help her. She's pleading me to stop her from being thrown back into that isolation.
"What does have to stop?"
"Don't do this, Alex."
"Please. Just say it."
She says it with desperate urgency. She needs to hear it out loud, just like I needed her to confess me that she kissed me. No more secret truths or strident lies.
"You can't keep on coming here at random times in the night all bruised and beaten up. You can't keep not saying a single thing, while you silently shuffle in my bed. And you can't keep on leaving before I wake up and act as if nothing ever happened."
There it was said. It was out. No more pretending. No more secrets. No more lies. This had to end. Because if it didn't, than we'd have to make an even bigger sacrifice. A sacrifice I wasn't willing to take by any means.
"I won't come anymore. I'm sorry I dragged you in to this." She says as she start lifting herself up from the dryer.
You're probably wondering what she was doing on the dryer in the washroom. Well yeah, it's pretty became the patching-up room. She comes here all battered up, sits upon the dryer and waits for me to come with first aid-kit to clean her up. No questions are asked, no answers are given no matter how bad the situation is. Just a helpful girl, helping out a seemingly helpless one. Like a silent agreement. Once that is done I kiss her on the forehead, take her hand in mine and lead her to my bedroom. We silently enter my bed, hold each other through the night, finding comfort in one another and the next day I wake up in an empty bed. And we never talk about it again. Every action, every motion, was absolutely the same. Every single time.
So was today. We entered the washroom, like always. She raised herself onto the dryer, like always. I stood in front of her with the first-aid kit, like always. But that's when the automisms stopped.
I changed the routine.
"Alex, stop. You know, that's not what I meant." I say as I put my hands on her knees and force her to keep on seated.
"Than what do you mean, Paige?" She says slightly frustrated.
"What I mean is that you can't keep on not letting me in. We've had it about this since day one, why do you keep doing this?"
"I've let you in. How many fucking times do I have to keep telling you, huh?"
"You wouldn't need to, if you actually showed it."
"Well, that's rich Paige." She's says offended.
"You've been letting me in, and then shutting me out completely. For every step you take forward, you take two back."
She opens her mouth wanting to argue further, but nothing comes out. She knows it's true and endless bickering wouldn't help our cause. So she slumps back, and looks around the washroom. Looks everywhere but at me. And that's when I see a lone tear glistering down against her beautiful face. No matter how much that bastard would beat her up. No matter how many bruises would stain that angelic façade, never would it come close to fade out her beauty. I reach out and brush away the tear, letting it linger lightly before lowering my hand to the back of her neck. And just like that, with the simplest of touches, she let me in once more. I'm in her reality again. In her own little world of dark secrets.
"I don't know what to do." She sniffs out helplessly.
"We'll figure it out together. But you can't keep on taking this way. I'm scared for you, Alex."
"Don't be. I can handle it."
"No, you can't. It's only a matter of time before this escalates into something even worse, if that's even possible. I can't lose you, Alex." I let out sincerely.
"You won't, I promise. I just … It's so bad, Paige. It's been getting worse and worse. I mean, he just …" She says, suddenly losing her courage to continue.
"It's okay." I say, while softly massaging the back of her neck.
"When he starts … he just can't seem to stop himself. His eyes, they become so hollow, Paige. So lifeless."
"Why didn't you inform the cops, I know the law works slow but even they can't ignore beatings like these."
"No, I can't do that. If they bust him, they'll bust my mom too."
"Why? She's as much as a victim as you are."
"Alcoholic mom who brought in the abusive step-dad and neglected her children since the death of her husband? Yeah, not so much. Besides, I'll just be jumbled from fosterhome to fosterhome."
"You can stay here. My folks really won't mind, you know. I mean, my dad …"
"No, I can't just suddenly start living here. Besides I can't leave my mom alone. She's made some bad decisions in her life, but she's still the same mom that baked me cookies on Christmas eve. She's just been fucked up, ever since … We all are."
I realise that a solution won't be find in a matter of moments. But I wasn't going to give up on her after she trusted me with all the information she just handed me. It was the most she revealed since that very first night she ran into my house. It was clear that no rescue-plans would come up tonight. Partly due to the intensity of our previous conversation and the needed time to process it, but even more due to the fatigue we both felt and displayed. It was
3.42 AM after all.
So I do what I do best and comfort her. I lower both my hands to the small of her back and pull her into my embrace. Her head buried under my chin and her hands clamping at the hem of my shirt, wordlessly begging me to not let go. And I don't. I just simply continue rocking her gently back and forth. She still on the dryer, and me in between her legs. There was a time not so long ago, I'd be worried to death to be caught in this position with her. Caught by the dismissive stares of judgemental surroundings.
Now, I'm just worried. Worried about her. Worried about her health, about her life and future. Worried that I'll never see her smile again. Worried that one day, that one extra hit will be her last. And not in a good way.
I've broken the routine today. I took a left, instead of the usual right. I took the longer road instead of the usual short cut. But I also took the road with the most beautiful surroundings, instead of the sheltered dark and empty road. But in the end they both end at the same destination. My safe haven. My home.
My Alex.
But one is shady and sinister, whereas the other is sundrenched and clear. I choose the one with the bright future. It will just take a longer time to get there. Time that I was willing to take, for as long as it was needed.
"It's going to be okay." I whisper one last time, before kissing her on the forehead, taking her hand in mine and leading her into my room. Into my warm bed, where we lived in our own little parallel universe and where all that is bad will be forgotten until the early morning.
No. Sometimes, not everything needs to change. Just a little adjusted.