This is the last chapter! Hope you guys all enjoy it! Just another little reminder. Please take this with a pinch of salt. It's not supposed to be serious:P

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I would be rolling in money, not my own filth.

The Final Guest

This was it. The moment audiences all around the world – yes, indeed around the world – had been waiting for. Mass speculation and gossip (spread by the Daily Prophet with great pride) had all come down to this point. Who was the last guest on his show before he finished his contract?

There had been rumours that it would be Harry Potter, flying in on the latest broomstick after doing auror work in Australia with enchanted bandicoots. There had also been rumours that (since people were being resurrected left right and centre in a plot line that won't be explained since there is no real explanation except to fit in with the story) Dumbledore would be the next guest. An even more incredulous rumour spoke of Tom Riddle Snr making a guest appearance to have a heart to heart with his estranged son. Alas, there had been no confirmation of any of these wild allegations.

Until now.

Voldemort grinned, a sight that twenty years ago would have made even the most happy of children cry their eyes up but now was a much loved and replicated expression. "My dearest viewers, both live and at home. I'm sure you're all dying to know about my next guest but first I have a message from security. Could the owner of the Nimbus 3000, license W!ZURD please move their broomstick off the double pink lines or it will be towed." There was shuffling in the audience and an audibly angry grumble from what sounded like a dwarf. "Thanks for your patience. Could my next guest please join me. I'll give you a clue as to who he is. His first name rhymes with marry and his surname's a type of job."

There was a huge uproar of applause and screams which quickly died down as the strange figure of an overweight middle aged man wearing a grease stained grey shirt appeared at the entrance.

Voldemort groaned inwardly and gave the tech guy a look that would have made any mortal man scream. Larry, however, having just ate a pizza and was happily sedated by his cheese overload, was oblivious. "Larry, don't you think you might be a little confused. You're not exactly who we're all expected."

A light clicked on somewhere in that balding head. "But you said a guy whose name rhymes with marry, right? Larry rhymes with marry. And a surname as a type of job. Well, my surname's cook!"

"I meant Harry Potter you imbecile."

A dejected looking Larry stepped to the side and behind him, wearing contact lenses instead of glasses and looked incredibly dashing, was Harry Potter. He gave the crowd a wave and all the females in the front rows fainted. Voldemort sniffed the air suspiciously and sensed a hint of 'Eau de Sex Bomb', a recent invention of the Weasley Wizard Wheezes range of scents for him and her. Voldemort knew as he had just bought the same fragrance only last week.

Then Harry turned to face Voldemort with a look so fierce electricity flew from his eyes. Voldemort made a mental note to tell Larry to make sure he fixed that loose cable behind Harry so such illusions weren't possible. Seriously, it made Harry look more threatening that what he really was. He knew. He had duelled him on several occasions and each time was surprised that the weedy little kid could put up such a fight. In all fairness, he was no longer weedy. He was well built, though not too musclular. The days of working as an auror in exotic places had tanned his face and what he could see of his arms and he had a rugged handsomeness that was reminiscent of his youth. Well, the youth that had returned to him.

"Now, now, Harry. Let's not meet as enemies but as-"

"Cut the crap, Voldemort," Harry hissed. "I'm only playing this role so you'll let Ginny out of the broomstick cupboard."

"Oh really?" Voldemort returned. "And am I to believe that you just so happened to come by that scent by accident. Perhaps you mistook it for 'Eau de Self-Righteous Hypocrite'?"

Harry looked confused. "There's no such scent."

"I know. It was dry wit."

"Oh. I've never really understood dry wit. I'm a very literal guy."

"I see. But back to my original question. If you're so worried about Ginny and so reluctant to be here why are you wearing your finest and sporting an aftershave that would drive the audience wild? Am I to believe you just came across these things accidentally after we kidnapped your wife?"

Harry was silent for a few minutes. "Yes."

"Well I don't believe you."

"Don't then."

"Fine."

"Fine."

The two men said nothing for a full thirty seconds while the audience held their breath. Eventually, Voldemort broke their unspoken vow of silence. "You know the whole world will think you're immature throwing a hissy fit like you are now. Seriously. Just because I might have killed your parents and various friends and then tried to kill you. Do you have to hold such a grudge. For God's sake get over it! It was more than twenty years ago when this whole thing started! For most of it you weren't even potty trained!"

There was moment of contemplation over this. Finally, Harry replied with, "Geez, that is long ago. But I don't forgive you for what you've done!"

"I'm not asking you to but if you want to be petty go right ahead. I've got a chat show to host here and I can't very well do it if we're arguing like a bunch of school girls. So please. For the next however many minutes we have left can we just get along. Please?"

Harry looked at the hopeful audience and then rolled his eyes. "I suppose so. Just until the end of this show."

"Good. Now I've heard that you've been a highly successful auror. Tell me about your recent exploits. Am I right in saying you've just apparated in from Australia?"

"Yeah, actually. I was in Melbourne over the past few weeks while I battled with hexed bandicoots. Some jaded ex-husband of a witch had cast a spell on all the bandicoots in their farm so that they breathed fire and flatulated poisonous gas. Personally I can't tell the difference between the two types of farts but there you go. He caused hundreds of galleons worth of damage but its okay. He's in custody now."

"I see. Must have been quite a challenge for you."

"Nah," Harry replied with a wave of his hand. "I've battled worse. I once had to single-handedly take on a whole flock of trolls who had been let loose by mistake on a village of muggles. I was actually on vacation at the time but when duty calls you know?"

"I know."

"Plus with there being no Dark Wizards about anymore we're having to take on more menial jobs. I've not had a proper dual on over a year. I've had to act as a bodyguard to model Fleur Delacour which wasn't actually all that bad though I'd have expected Bill to be there instead of me."

"And where was Bill?"

"Babysitting."

"I see. Children, huh. Who would have them?"

"I did!" Harry replied indignantly.

"Well that's nice," Voldemort said, forcing a grin onto his face. "For you. Personally, I don't have time for spawning from my loins. I'm much to busy. That's not to say I don't partake in the pastime. I just make sure no consequences will result from it."

"Oh!" Harry cried with sudden interest. "You and Bellatrix, huh? Is she...you know..." He grinned devilishly and made an ape-like noise.

"Better. She's...well..." Voldemort impersonated a neigh which shot Harry's eyebrows up.

"Oh you dog."

"Tell me about it."

"No, you tell me about it."

"Very well. How about we go into more detail over a round of beer. My treat."

"When?"

"After the show." Voldemort checked his watch. "Actually, I've another thing I wanted to talk to you about. Bellatrix and I have been...talking and we've put together a little plan. I don't suppose you're interested?"

"Explain," Harry asked in a voice that told Voldemort her was.

"First of all, how would you like to be worshipped like a God and have power beyond your wildest dreams?" He leaned in and smirked. "Together, we could rule the world."

Harry's eyes widened. "You don't mean-I mean you're not...Are you planning on building an army again?"

"Lord no, Harry. I'm talking about having a second season with you as my co-host. Interested?"

Grinning, Harry shook Voldemort's hand. "You've got yourself a deal. How's about a second round of beer on me and we can talk business."

They stood up, turned to the audience and bowed deeply. "Thank you very much for all your support. I will return for another season this time with Harry by my side. Join me then. Good night and God bless."

He gestured for Harry to walk on before him and he followed for a few steps and then stopped. "Oh! Harry?" He called.

"Yeah?" Harry called over his shoulder.

"Just one other thing." In the blink of an eye, Voldemort whipped out his wand. "Avada Kedavra!"

Harry turned just in time to see the power spell be unleashed from his nemesis' wand and fly in his direction. He squeezed his eyes shut and saw his life flash behind his eyelids. Then he frowned. He wasn't aware that there was what sounded like audience laughter all throughout his life. No, in fact he was certain there was no noise when Dumbledore died. He opened his eyes to find out what was happening to mess up his flashbacks and realised it was Voldemort's audience. They were laughing. Why were they laughing? He's just been killed by a fiendish wizard. What was funny about that? He looked down at his trousers to see if he had maybe wet himself in the process but he was dry as a bone. He looked to Voldemort for an explanation and saw that he too was chuckling.

"Got you!" Voldemort cried, waving a fake wand in Harry's direction. "Dear me, you should have seen your face. Priceless!"

Smiling sheepishly, Harry said, "You owe me two rounds of beer for that."

"That I do," Voldemort replied. "That I do."

The End

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