The Long Way Down – Chapter 9
A/N – Again I'm advising that this chapter may contain graphic images and references to self-harm.
Walking into the room they were sharing, Dean saw his brother standing with a knife in his hand, his mind flashed back to the cuts on his brother's arm and he knew there was no way that he would allow his brother to hurt himself further. Shocked by what he saw, he strode across the floor and putting his hand on his brother's shoulder as he roughly turned Sam around to face him. It was then that he realised that his brother was actually packing his bag – relief washed over him for a moment with the knowledge that his brother wasn't cutting himself but it then dawned on him that Sam was preparing to leave.
"Sam, what the hell do you think you are doing?" He shouted.
"What does it look like Dean? You seem to know everything that's going on, so you tell me?" Dean realised that there was a change in his brother, downstairs he seemed almost detached from the situation but now he was standing in front of him visibly shaking, looking actually distraught.
"It looks like you're leaving Sam." Replied Dean as he stepped closer to his brother, not wavering to the fact that he stood shorter than his brother.
"Well, it looks like for once that you're right." Sam said as he took a step back from Dean, turned and resumed his packing.
"Sammy, please talk to me, you can't keep going on like this." Dean's voice was soft as he stepped closer to his brother.
"I've told you Dean, I'm fine…..I just…..I just need to go, get away for a bit." Sam said as he kept his back to his brother and continued his packing.
"I can't let you leave here Sam, I wont allow it." Dean said trying to keep his voice calm.
"And how are you going to stop me? Why can't you just let me go?" His little brother's voice broke as he spoke.
"Because Sammy, I'm scared, I'm scared that if you walk out of here I'll never see you again."
"Bit dramatic don't ya think?" Sam asked.
"Sammy, please look at me?"
Sam stopped what he was doing and turned to face Dean.
"Why won't you let me help you Sammy, what did I do that made you think that you couldn't come to me. That hurting yourself was the best option?"
"Dean, I'm not…" Sam began.
"Please, don't say it Sam, I can't listen to you tell me your fine anymore. Have you looked at yourself lately, I mean really looked at yourself. Your dropping weight, you look like you haven't slept in weeks and now your hurting yourself?"
"I'm not…."
"Sam, are you trying to tell me that if I get you to lift the sleeve on your other arm I'm not going to see the same as when we were downstairs? I'm not judging you Sam, I'm just worried sick about you and I want to help, I really do but you have to talk to me, you have to tell me what's going on in your head."
Dean's eyes pleaded with Sam, and he thought back to all the times when Dean had told him that he was the one with the "puppy dog eyes" and wondered if his brother had been practicing this technique himself.
"What do you want me to say Dean? What is it you want to hear?"
"I want you to tell me what's going on with you, why are you doing this to yourself?"
Sam looked at him, as if evaluating the situation.
"You're really not going to let this go, are you?" Sam asked as a look of resignation washed over his face.
"Sam, if I have to tie you up until you talk, then that's what I'm going to do." His brother replied, trying to keep it light as his mind screamed for Sam to talk, to finally let him in.
"God you're serious" Sam said as he slumped back onto the bed.
"You got that right. Come on Sam, talk to me, maybe I can help you feel better?" Dean said as he sat beside his brother.
"Why should I feel better Dean? This is my punishment and I need to accept that."
"What are you talking about Sam, I don't understand? Punishment for what?" Dean had a good idea where this conversation was going, but he knew that Sam needed to say it himself; needed to release the pain he was feeling.
"For killing Mom and Jess…." Sam said as be began to look at the ground.
"Sammy, we've been over this….."
"Don't Dean, don't tell me what I want to hear. I'm not stupid, Mom and Jess die the same way, over my bed – you do the math."
"Well, we both know that Maths was never my strong point, but I have to say dude I think it's you with the wrong answer this time. I mean come on Sam; you were six months old when Mom died – a baby, what could you have done? Jess died because the same thing that killed Mom killed her and I'm not going to sit here and say that it was a coincidence cause honestly I don't think it was but it was certainly not your fault."
"But I feel so guilty Dean, I just want it to stop, I want to go back to feeling nothing." Sam's voice cracked as he spoke, slowly lifting his head.
"I just want the pain to stop. I'm so tired Dean, all I want to do is sleep but I can't cause every night I relive it over and over again – the look on her face Dean, she looks so scared and I couldn't help her, I couldn't do anything."
"Sam there was nothing you could have done, you have to realise that. I know I didn't know Jess but I do know you and in my heart I can't believe that anyone that you were so much in love with would want to see you like this? Do you think that she would want you to blame yourself?" Dean pleaded with his brother, needing him to realise that this wasn't his fault.
"I know she wouldn't, but the nightmares won't go away and I'm just so tired and I feel so weak all the time." Tears had begun to fall down Sam's cheeks as he looked pleadingly at his brother.
"It's no wonder that you feel weak Sam, you haven't been eating and now with the cutting, you're becoming run down."
"I'm so sorry Dean, I tried, I really did. I tried to eat, I just can't. Everything tastes like sawdust and if I do manage to eat it my stomach just wont keep it down. I don't mean to do it, I really don't." Sam was pleading with his brother now, his hands on Dean's arms.
"I know that Sam, but what I don't understand is why you felt that you couldn't talk to me, that you felt that hurting yourself was a better option?" Dean asked gently as he took Sam's arms in his hands.
Sam pulled away from Dean and began moving towards the window, while wiping the tears from his face with the sleeves of his shirt.
"All my life Dean, all I have ever wanted is for you and Dad to be proud of me. It was so hard to watch the disappointment on his face, day after day. But you Dean, I never saw that when I looked at you, all I ever saw was my big brother – the person who looked out for me my whole life."
"Sammy Dad was proud of……"
"Please Dean just let me finish. Now Jess is gone and Dad is missing and I'm all you have to watch your back, and I'm scared Dean, scared that you'll finally realise what Dad's known all along, that I'm a liability. I'm scared that when the time comes I'm going to let you down and your going to die. I couldn't tell you how I was feeling Dean, cause you'd realise how weak I am." Taking a deep shuddering breath Sam continued with his back to his brother.
"But it's just so hard Dean, I mean sometimes it feels like I just can't breathe, that I'm suffocating. It got so bad one night that I thought I was going to pass out, I went into the bathroom and I saw the blade. The next thing I knew I was watching the blood flowing from my arm and it felt good. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was in control, and for a while the guilt and the pain of loosing Jess was gone."
Turning around to face his brother, Dean could see that the tears had once again began to flow, and looking at Sam he could see the desperation, guilt and pain on his face.
"But it came back Dean, it always comes back and now I can't stop, I'm so sorry Dean, really really sorry." With that Sam began to sob, and Dean couldn't stand to watch as his brothers frame began to shake up and down. Moving towards Sam, Dean grabbed Sam in a bear hug and pulled him close.
"It's ok Sam, it's ok. We are going to get through this. Together, do you hear me Sam, we are going to get through this together. I promise that I'm going to help you Sam, I'll get you through this. It's going to be ok." Dean whispered.
Unbeknownst to Sam tears began to fall from Dean's eyes as he prayed that he could live up to his promise, knowing that if he couldn't his brother would be lost.
Tbc...
I hope you enjoyed this chapter - please review and let me know.