RULES FOR CIVILIANS

WORSHIP SHINOBI – This is advisable to all civilians as you will be instantly STRUCK DOWN by GOD if you fail to OBEY this rule. Of course if you are wishing to commit suicide, you are recommended to dismiss this rule and WALK THE STREETS OF KONOHA, cursing and spitting at any shinobi that CROSSES YOUR PATH.

NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT with other civilians or, pray it never happens to you, a shinobi.
There are several reasons for this:

· They may be bored and decide to kill you

· You may be forced to engage in a pointless conversation that results in your death.

· You may owe them money.

· They may ask to borrow money.

· They may be a crazy love-obsessed fan that feels you may be competition for their current love affair and therefore decide to murder you.

IF YOU'RE A FEMALE civilian and drawing the attention of several males, you may wish to RETHINK your situation. WHAT THE HELL are you doing drawing the attention of HOMOCIDAL MURDERS, STOIC AVENGERS and OBNOXIOUS DEMON CONTAINERS, that are also FULLY ABLE SHINOBI? The best solution would be to CUT your hair and adopt a high-pitched and WHINY voice. DYING your hair PINK, would also be a good bonus.

IF YOU'RE A MALE civilian and drawing the attention of several males, you may wish to cut your overgrown BLUE hair, and get contacts which are NOT coloured RED. Similarly, you may also wish to take your MALE FRIEND to a nice part of the VILLAGE, which specialises in plenty of NICE, CHEAP hotels. Get a room and enjoy your weekend together.

IF SOMEONE APPROACHES YOU stick out your chest and pretend to be a BIG BAD SHINOBI. They will instantly AVOID EYE CONTACT with you and quickly RUN AWAY. In these instances its best to CELEBRATE LOUDLY, screaming of your success until a REAL BIG BAD SHINOBI come along and tells you to shut up, OR ELSE. In these circumstances it's best to quickly RUN AWAY and pray to the god JASHIN that you will be SPARED.

ON A HOT DAY it is required that all male civilians, whose bodies are toned from years of FAST FOOD and BEER, TAKE OFF their tops and show their chests to all of the pale-looking WOMEN.

WHEN DEALING WITH SHINOBI it is best to SWEAT and STUTTER all the time while pressing your INDEX FINGERS together.

TAKE CARE not to anger a shinobi as he WILL KILL YOU. If you do anger a shinobi, it is advisable to offer your FIRST BORN CHILD as sacrifice to said MIGHTY SHINOBI and swear to forever be his SLAVE.

IF YOU ARE HELD at the throat by a FOREIGN SHINOBI, remain strong and refuse to spill the village's SECRETS. Instead state that you are a pleasant GYPSY that will KINDLY curse your attacker if he does not move his BLOODY HANDS this very instance, thank you very much. Act shocked when this does not work and instead GROVEL and BEG whilst revealing the villages SECRETS.

AS A CIVILIAN shinobi are your natural enemy. However if you value your life, it is best to not alert a shinobi to this fact.

WHEN HIRING A SHINOBI for a mission, always state that you are a POOR BRIDGE BUILDER and request a CHEAP d-ranked mission. Of course when you realise that your BLOOMIN' EXPENSIVE shinobi are in fact TEENAGED PESTS, that ANGST, JOKE and SCREECH, it is best to calmly scream aloud at how BLOODY ANNOYING they all are. IGNORE ALL THREATS OF DEATH.

IF YOU SEE A FOREIGN SHINOBI – Alert the Hokage and ANBU immediately.

IF YOU SEE A FOREIGN KONOICHI – Try and get her number.

TRAVELLING AS A CIVILLIAN

WHEN TRAVELLING as a civilian, it is advisable to hire shinobi for YOUR PROTECTION as CRAZED HITMEN may attempt to kill you. When travelling, it is illegal for MISSING NIN not to KILL innocent passers-by, which is unfortunate to any innocent passers-by. In the circumstance that you are BRUTALLY KILLED by a missing nin, it is recommended that you pray that god is willing to forgive your perverse fantasies of BIG BAD KUNOICHI before beginning your DOOMED journey.

IF, IN THE EVENT your shinobi is killed, STAY CALM and RUN AWAY. DO NOT go back for the body as DEAD SHINOBI BODIES make excellent FURTILLISER.

OTHER CIVILIANS are annoying and may believe their shinobi is HARDER THAN YOURS. In those circumstances it is permissible to organise a SHINOBI CONTEST where you and your foe must jump on your own SHINOBI'S BACK. The first contestant to DIE has the HARDEST SHINOBI.

NOTE FOR BEING A CIVILIAN: DON'T