RULES FOR ANIMAL SUMMONS

SUMMONING ANIMALS proves the BADOSITY of your ninja skill and it is strongly recommended that if you wish to be THE HARDEST shinobi on the block, you get an animal summon.

THERE ARE MANY different types of summons to choose from including (but not limited to): dogs, birds, bees, fish and in some cases STRANGE FLOCKS of NOCTURNAL PINK sheep.

TO PURCHASE YOUR OWN animal summon, you must first sign a contract with your BLOOD and then sacrifice your GRANDMA to the god JUSHIN. Of course, you may not gain the animal you want the first time around but, as long as you have many grannies to SPARE, you can keep trying until you get the desired result.

SUMMONING AN ANIMAL:

SHUT YOUR EYES and concentrate on your chakra. It is best if you are ON YOUR OWN but if engaged in a SHINOBI BATTLE it is alright to ignore the kunais that PIERCE YOUR SKIN. As long as you are focused on your chakra, that is all that really matters.

BITE YOUR THUMB until it draws blood. Resist SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL. It won't kill you.

(WARNING: BE SURE NOT TO BITE YOUR THUMB OFF. IT IS ADVISAVBLE THAT SHARKS DO NOT HAVE ANIMAL SUMMONS.)

CHANT THE WORDS of the jutsu and slam your head on the floor. Get up off the floor and realise that you had in fact MISREAD the handbook. LAUGH AT YOUR IDIOCY and ignore the DISTURBED LOOKS from your foe. Slam your hand on the floor and watch as smoke appears.

LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY as your summon appears. However, if your summon is smaller than your fingernail and resembles your long deceased and SACRIFICED GRANDMA, it is advised to throw the summon at your enemy's face and escape while he is blinded by THE PATHETIC MORSEL! Ah, I mean your summon!

RIDING YOUR SUMMON

IT IS POSSIBLE if your summon is large enough and DOESN'T DEVOUR you first, to ride your summon. However, it is a hard and TROUBLESOME task that took the great YONDAIME many years to master. In fact, the fourth was not killed by the nine tailed fox demon. Instead he FELL OFF a FROG and went hurtling down onto his HEAD.

ANYWAY, IF YOU WISH to ride your summon there are first some DOS and DONT'S you should read.

DO:

· Ensure that your summon is the right height for riding and is not in fact smaller that a twig.

· Make sure to purchase a suitable saddle that can be adjusted to fit your strange and pink nocturnal sheep.

· Ask permission from a parent (or guardian) before riding your summon. If you do not have a parent (or guardian) or if your parent (or guardian) refuses, take this as a sign to mean you are allowed.

· Brush your teeth after ever meal.

DO NOT:

· Unexpectedly jump onto your summons's back and expect him/her to gladly whisk you away to Disney. They will, instead, attempt to eat you.

· Ride a summon when tired. You will be prone to falling from your summon and perhaps even causing an accident between your summon and another. If this happens expect your summon to be written off and to receive a large fine.

· Speed when riding a summon. They are often unused to such fast speeds and will often begin to shake, wobble and in some cases explode. However, if you enjoy being rocketed off an exploding summon, it is suggested that you take the time to ignore this rule.

YOUR SUMMONS'S EXCREMENT

WHEN KONOHA FIRST BEGAN it was considered polite to clean up after you summon. However after several wars and the GROWING CRAZE of LAZINESS it is now acceptable to ignore the mess. In some parts of Konoha, it is EVEN seen as a SYMBOL OF YOUR GRACE to use a stick, twig or DISCARDED ARM to quickly smear the excrement ACROSS THE PATH. Make sure to hide in NEARBY BUSHES and watch WITH GLEE as passers-by happen to step in it.

PARTING WITH YOU SUMMON

AFTER EVERY BATTLE comes the sad time when your summon must depart. During these times it is acceptable to WEEP, SCREAM, KICK, DRIBBLE and, in extreme circumstances, WEE. After doing so, calmly nod to your summon and WALK AWAY whistling.

SOME FEEL IT NECESSARY to keep in touch with their summons by becoming pen pals. If you decide that you wish to become pen pals with your summon then BITE YOUR THUMB and use the blood to write the message into the ground. If you find that the blood keeps dwindling due to UNATURAL HEALING ABILITIES, bite off your thumb and use a quill to dip into the blood and NEATLY write your message.

NOTE FOR OWNING AN ANIMAL SUMMON: BE SURE TO STOCK UP ON BLOOD AS THEY SEEM TO ENJOY THE STUFF VERY MUCH