RULES FOR MISSING NINS

A MISSING NINJA (or missing nin, if you're really cool), is, contrary to popular belief, is not a ninja who is lost. For this reason, it is UNWISE AND JUST PLAIN STUPID for you to offer your compass and map to a missing nin.

IN REALITY a missing nin has abandoned his village and should therefore be seen as a criminal. Would you smile nicely at a criminal and INVITE HIM IN FOR A NICE WARM CUP OF COCOA? No? Then don't do the same for a missing nin.

THE BIGGEST and most important rule for being a missing nin is to make a dramatic exit before leaving your village. Be this through the MASSACRE OF YOUR WHOLE CLAN with the exception of one little boy or the narrow but impressive defeat of your IDIOTIC BEST FRIEND. Points may be awarded for creativity.

ALL MISSING NIN are required to carefully and neatly SLASH HIS HEADBAND and wear it proudly upon his forehead. Over a billion years of research has proved that this simple action empowers the missing nin with the power to CONTROL GODZILLA and provoke fear and awe into EVERY PASSING SQUIRELL. However for some complete and utterly unknown reason, the scratched headband seems to draw the attention of HOMICIDAL, BLOOD THIRSTY AND SLIGHTLY CONSTIPATED MADMEN who refer to themselves as 'Hunter nin'. Until an answer is found, we regret to inform you that anyone found wearing a headband in any condition other than new, shall be hunted down and fed to a giant twelve-headed peacock named Steve.

A MISSING NIN'S WARDROBE should be composed of CAPES, ROBES AND PEANUTS. Hardcore metal chains and spikes also add an ELEGANT EFFECT which will have foes begging for your stylists. It is also recommended that you stock up on the SEXY POWER that is NAIL VARNISH!! Just picture yourself, sitting on a sunny beach, your sun glasses on and your toned body glistening with sweat. When all of a sudden you turn and smile, your beauty radiating like the immense supremacy of your purple painted nails! Wow! Ahem, so yes! No missing nin is complete without his (or her) purple nail varnish.

THE AURA of a missing nin, is mysterious and dangerous. It lures enemies in like the gentle sparkling of a spider web only to be TRAPPED AND EATEN ALIVE. Of course, this is only a matter of speech and it is not necessary to devour your SCREAMING PREY. Instead you may prefer a quiet dinner where your meal does not attempt to run away or bite off your leg, so, in these circumstances, it is acceptable to murder your victim first.

BE AWARE that missing nins suffer from a mysterious phenomenon known as NO SOCIAL LIFE. This is due to the prejudiced beliefs that you may destroy any living being that approaches you, shocking as that may be. This means that if you are an ATTENTION SEEKING IDIOT it is advisable that you do not become a missing nin as your only company will be the FRIENLY AND FUN LOVING hunters they send after you.

THE MISSING NIN is similar to a villain in that before every HONOURABLE KILLING he or she must ALWAYS reveal his or her EVIL AND CUNNING PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD whilst also admitting to the misery and hardship of his or her childhood.

IT IS THE JOB of a missing nin to believe that he or she is in the right and that no matter what any one person accuses you of, you were doing something completely different, although you hope they do catch the true villain.

If a person attacks you under the excuse that you had murdered a village of innocents the correct answer is:

"No I didn't, I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was just having a harmless drink and then for some mysterious and unknown reason everyone just dropped dead. Weird..."

If a person accuses you of poisoning the water supply of an important country, the correct answer is:

"No I didn't, okay so maybe I sneezed in the water but that's it. And anyway, I saw what happened. They weren't poisoned, they just all happened to be drinking the water I sneezed in at the times of their deaths; it was old age that killed them. What do you mean by the oldest who happened to die was twenty seven? That's ancient, I tell you!"

If a person accuses you of slaughtering all of your family to test your power with the exception of one young boy you left alive with horrific memories and a mental problem the correct answer is:

"That is completely wrong! I messed up his hair as well as leaving him with horrific memories and mental problems; get it right before you accuse me! Gosh, Evil missing nins never get the appreciation that they deserve these days. What nerve!"

ALSO, IT IS COMPLETELY NECCESSARY that every missing nin has a goal to aim towards. Be it the MASTERY OF EVERY JUSTSU or simply just to steal THE EYES OF YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER. It is not possible to be a true missing nin without a life goal so keep this in mind when deciding whether to leave your village or not.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF unable to find a motive for your crimes then log on to our website www.iamamissingninandwouldreallylikesomethingtoaimforandifyouwoudln'tmindapotatonamesmushroom .com where you will be able to subscribe for the simple price of fifty seven hundred thousand billion yen per month. Included in this deal is our magazine, THE BIG BAD MISSING NIN where you can read up about all the BIGGEST and BADDEST missing nin known to all ninja kind. Also, follow the trendy fashions of clouded capes and big ass swords to really be the best.

WHEN ENCOUNTERING other missing nin, it is suggested that you strike a FEARSOME POSE and proceed to create ANIMALISTIC NOISES that resemble a screaming baby needing changing. The correct way to respond to such a call is to IMITATE A CHICKEN by clucking, flapping and pecking the ground.

NOTE FOR MISSING NINS: there are more ways of killing a missing nin than by choking it with ramen.