I'm sick. I'm sicker than sick. Stupid...whatever it is I have. I feel like crap though and I've been off school for the past 2 days and I'll be off tomorrow. I think I have the flu or something.

Urgh.

This is for Sam because she's fab...even though she may not realise it.

- - - - -

14th February,

Some back road, upstate New York.

5:21pm

Olivia's breath hitched slightly and her chattering teeth paused momentarily before the world began spinning again and she was able to relax against Elliot without suffocating completely. She had to admit – the front seat didn't offer nearly as much heat as Elliot did but that could also be the heat her body was producing from his proximity; maybe she should ask the slight throbbing between her legs.

Olivia shifted uncomfortably, "How did we get here?" she asked quietly.

"Well," Elliot began, "Cragen sent us upstate to interview a witness for the Donnelly case, on the way back you insisted we take this short cut and here we are."

It wasn't exactly what she meant but he wasn't getting off that lightly, "Actually; you asked if there was a short cut and I suggested this and you were the one who burst the tire when we didn't have a spare."

"In all fairness Olivia," Elliot sighed, clearly exasperated, "If I hadn't have swerved we would have hit that deer-"

"You would have hit that deer." Olivia corrected.

"Anyway, you were the one who insisted on helping that bong smoking, hippie couple by giving them my spare tire." Elliot bit out.

"Our spare tire." Olivia huffed.

"Whatever," Elliot grumbled, "Let's just say the responsibility is half-half."

"As in 40/60 half-half?" Olivia asked sarcastically.

"Only if you're the 60." Elliot replied, forgetting he was trying to be sympathetic but quickly realizing he was still holding her as they argued.

"Fuck you, Elliot." Olivia replied, folding her arms but not moving away from him.

After a few silent moments Olivia found her voice again, "You know it was mostly your fault," she grumbled, pouting as she did.

"Oh my god, Olivia!" Elliot exclaimed rather loudly, "Just drop it!"

After that the car was silent, other than the heavy breathing of anger.

14th February,

Some back road, upstate New York.

5:43pm

Elliot was certain Olivia was asleep. Her breathing was deep and even and neither of them had said anything in nearly twenty minutes. He had almost nodded off himself but the pure darkness outside had stopped him. Something about the jet black sky and the way that anything could be lurking in the forest around them sort of freaked him out; not that he'd ever admit that of courses. He didn't feel safe if he slept, he didn't feel that he was being safe if he slept. He had to keep a look out for Olivia so she could sleep and feel safe because he knew her and the bruises on her wrists must have kept her up all night.

Needless to say, when he heard a soft murmur he nearly jumped out of his skin, "Ell?"

"Yeah, Liv?" Elliot replied quietly; a silent understanding falling between them that their small argument had been dismissed and all was forgiven.

"I thought you were asleep." Olivia replied, sighing deeply and leaning heavily into his chest, letting her head rest more comfortably on his shoulder.

"I thought you were asleep as well." Elliot smiled softly, feeling Olivia's extra weight and loving it.

They stayed silent for another few minutes, just enjoying the nighttime atmosphere and the sheer light of the slight moon filtering through the trees and making everything the slightest bit more visual.

"He came to my door and I let him in." Olivia whispered, breaking the silence, knowing Elliot would get what she was talking about.

Elliot remained silent, letting Olivia speak and knowing she was finally opening up to him. He knew that if he stuffed this up he would never get another chance to hear it and he knew she would never trust him again.

And if that happened, his world would crumble.

"He was his usual charming self and we talked for a bit." Olivia didn't bother trying to talk louder, knowing if she did the emotion that would fill her voice would betray her, rearing its ugly head, "We talked for a bit and then he put both wine glasses on the table and he began kissing me and I hadn't felt the way he made me feel in. So. Long." Olivia's breathing had committed treason for her emotions anyway as she tried to compose herself.

"How did he make you feel?" Elliot asked quietly, needing to satisfy his curiosity as to the insight he had on Olivia.

"Loved. Wanted. Feminine." Olivia whispered, tears prickling her eyes as she blinked rapidly to keep them at bay.

Elliot didn't say anymore so she continued, "We were going out to dinner and I was wearing this beautiful dress. He told me I was beautiful." Elliot had to refrain himself from confirming Ryan's comment, "His hand was on my leg and I was okay with that until he started to move it higher." Olivia stopped, trying to gather in her head what had happened.

Elliot gently began rubbing small patterns on Olivia's arm where his hand rested, draped over her shoulders. He pulled her slightly closer and kept himself from resting his hand on her leg.

"I tried to get him to stop. I did, I swear but he just- Please believe me, Elliot. I tried!" Olivia's whispering voice cracked and wavered with emotion as she tried to control herself, "Please believe me Elliot." Olivia was almost sobbing but the tears were yet to spill.

"Shh, honey. Of course I believe you Liv! I've never doubted you, ever. I promise." Elliot held her tighter, gently kissing the top of her head, "Of course I believe you." He repeated.

Olivia stayed quiet for a few moments before beginning again, almost quieter than when she had first started, "He started tearing at my stockings and had pinned my wrists with one hand and my legs with his knees." Olivia's voice was hollow and brittle as she spoke softly, detached, "He actually tore through them, he tore through my stockings and then I felt his hand creeping up the inside of my leg and I wanted to be sick."

Elliot was dying quietly inside at Olivia's words. Why hadn't she called him, why hadn't she asked for his help. Elliot was at a loss. He couldn't believe she'd try and face this on her own; try and face the harsh bruises and sore limbs; the potential of Ryan coming back; the thought of turning into her mother.

Why would she face that alone?

"I clamped my legs shut and he just laughed at me. He laughed and I just wanted to cry." Olivia stopped just short of bursting into tears. She couldn't cry because if she cried she feared she'd never stop. She feared that if she never stopped she wouldn't be whole again.

Her mother was never whole again.

"He laughed and he scratched me, he drew his nails all. the way. down. the inside of my leg and it was excruciating. The humiliation." Olivia bit her bottom lip to keep her from outright sobbing and she succeeded- just, "After that he made a mistake and I kneed him in the groin. He left but not after calling me a 'bitch' and a 'filthy, no good, slut'," She paused for a moment, "And he slapping me." Olivia sighed, finishing her turmoil sounding exhausted.

Elliot just held he closer to him, holding her and trying to beg her to let go without words. He wanted to protect her but didn't know how, wanted to comfort her but wasn't sure if he was enough, wanted to help her but had no idea about how to go about it. He just hoped, prayed, that she'd be alright, she'd be okay. He prayed she'd still be the partner he knew and loved. Loved? He knew it was selfish, he knew that hoping she'd stay his partner was selfish but he needed her and she needed him – no matter how stubborn they were they needed each other. Plain and simple.

"Elliot. Say something. Please." Olivia Benson sounded broken and she knew she did and for once, she didn't care. She didn't care if she was whining or if she was sounding pathetic, she didn't care that her voice was betraying her because all she needed was his reassurance, his voice. All she needed was him.

"You're okay." He whispered into her hair, burying his face against her, trying to stop his tears from flowing, from his emotion betraying him because it hurt. It hurt so much that Olivia didn't call him, that she didn't feel she could, that she couldn't cope with asking him for help.

As if reading his thoughts she spoke up, "I wanted to. You know that, right?" her voice was a scratchy, hoarse whisper as she spoke, emotion making her throat sticky and hard, "I wanted to call you but I couldn't. I- I- I just couldn't."

"I would have been there no matter what, Olivia. I would have been there." Elliot whispered in the darkness of the car, his voice muffled by her hair, his scent and the way the blood was rushing through her ears but she heard; she heard him.

A sob broke free of her throat and she sort of half keeled over, leaning forward slightly at the stabbing pain in her stomach of withholding too much, the feeling make her almost ill.

She didn't cry though. She couldn't.

"Its okay, Liv. You're okay." Elliot whispered, turning her not-quite-limp body to face him, letting her rest against his chest, letting her listen to his breathing and heart beating in time with her own, "Just let it out."

Olivia was silent, her eyes heavy but not quite closed as she stilled her breath, holding it, not moving as she tried to force herself to speak, "I can't." her voice was shaky and not her own as she whispered, her breath trembling slightly.

"Why?" Elliot asked just as quietly, the air thick with a kind of rawness only to be described as intense.

"Because she let it out and from then on she could never let anyone back in." Olivia murmured, voice slightly pitchy and teeth chattering despite the way Elliot was holding her.

Holding her.

Elliot was holding her.

And she was glad.

Elliot reached up and gently placed his hand on Olivia's cheek, causing her to look up at him, her eyes glazed and tear filled. He let his fingers slip below her ear and his tips dip into her hair, gently circling his thumb over her temple, "You're not her, 'Livia."

"I just- I- I-" Olivia couldn't think of an excuse, not one she was willing to voice, to make real. She closed her eyes, enjoying the hypnotic way Elliot caressed her as she tried to think. Coming up with nothing she went for broke, "She- she told me- She told me I was just like her, that we were 'one and the same' and I just- I never got that out of my head and I've spent my whole damn life trying to avoid turning into her and I- I can't turn into her." Olivia sighed, no fight left in her.

Elliot held Olivia's face in both hands, forcing her to look up at him, her eyes flickering with the internal struggle her mind had taken upon her body. He ran his thumbs along her bottom lashes, letting a few tears slip, immediately caught by Elliot. Olivia closed her eyes, willing back more tears. She bit her quivering lip, willing back more sobs. She held her breath, willing back more words as she tried to gain some control.

He brushed his thumb along her bottom lip, gently prying it away from her bite. Everything seemed to be moving in a hazy slow motion as blue locked on brown. Olivia calmed instantly, her breaths coming quiet and even as she watched him, moving smoothly as an air passed between them.

Elliot swept her hair from her eyes with his other hand, smiling slightly as he felt her relax. He slowly moved forward, gently pressing his lips to hers. Olivia's eyes fluttered closed as Elliot softly pulled at her lower lip, kissing her tenderly.

"You're not her, Liv." He whispered against her lips.

- - - - -

I'm sick and dying and you should all feel sorry for me.

I have a fever so I'm sitting here shivering when it's actually like just ending summer.

Anyway, you should review because you feel sorry for me.

Pity reviews!!

Yay!

Love,

Curses...