Birdman Coast to Coast
Voices
Cut to Birdman reading a contract.
Birdman: So, Bob. Where do I sign?
Bob: There.
Birdman: What? I forgot.
Bob: Over there.
Birdman: Can't I just sign it there.
Bob: No, you have to sign it there.
Birdman: Why?
Bob: Because it says "Don't Sign Here" over there.
Birdman: What's the point of that?
Bob: Because, it's how it works.
Birdman: Hey, it says you have full right to do anything you want. What's that?
Bob: That means we can cancel you anytime we want. Change your voice...
Birdman: What was that? I was signing the contract.
Bob: Eh, we have full right to cancel your show, change your voice and make the show as "rating-grabblingly" as possible.
Birdman: What? My voice! My precious voice!
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight, on Birdman Coast to Coast...comedian Denis Leary, rock star Ozzy Osbourne and the creators of South Park, Trey Parker & Matt Stone. Here's your host...
Cut to the set. Birdman walks in.
Birdman :( tired voice): Birdman.
Peanut: What's the matter Harvey?
Birdman: Eh, Bob might consider changing my voice.
Peanut: Your voice! Your voice sounds great!
Birdman: I know, but...I'm too depressed to host the show.
Peanut: C'mon.
Birdman: No.
Peanut: C'mon.
Birdman: No.
Peanut: C'mon.
Birdman: No.
Peanut: We'll get Blue Falcone then.
Birdman goes to the desk.
Birdman: I'll be good.
Peanut: That's a good talk-show host. This is the series premiere. We don't want you depressed now, do we?
Birdman: No sir. Say, who's our first guest?
Avenger: COR!
Peanut: Didn't you listen to Phil?
Birdman: Nope.
Peanut: Roll the sound clip Avenger.
Avenger: (V.O): COR!
Phil: Tonight, on Birdman Coast to Coast, comedian Denis Leary...
Birdman: STOP!
Peanut: Now you know?
Phil: What's the point of being announcer if you won't even listen to me? Oh well, I get paid million dollars to say celebrity's names. Ha, ha. Easy street.
Birdman: Send in Denis, Avenger.
The television then reveals Denis.
Birdman: Denis Leary! (Birdman coughs)
Denis: You okay, Birdie.
Birdman: Sure. (Birdman coughs some more)
Denis: I did the voice of Diego the Saber-Toothed Tiger in that hit FOX movie "Ice Age".
Birdman: CGI, made for kids, made a jillion bucks?
Denis: Heh, yeah...pretty much.
Birdman: I'm so depressed, because they might change my voice.
Denis: Who, Birdie?
Birdman: B...b...b...Bob.
Denis: Who's Bob?
Birdman: You don't know, Bob...Denis! His the executive in charge of this show.
Denis: I see.
Birdman: If his unhappy with my voice, he'll change it. I signed a contract, meaning he can ACTUALLY do it.
Denis: Why did you sign the contract when you knew this could happen?
Pause.
Birdman: I didn't, he told me after I signed it.
Denis: Well, technically it's your fault for signing it without reading it, Birdie.
Birdman: Stop calling me Birdie! It's Birdman or Harvey. Preferably Birdman.
Denis: Alright, Birdman.
Birdman: Enough about me, what about you Denis?
Denis: Oh, I'm doing Ice Age 2.
Birdman: How can they be two ice ages?
Denis: Well, it made an ass-load of money...and just because it can.
Birdman: 20th Century Fox is greedy and stupid. It's the 21st century, God.
Denis: Actually it was formed in the 20th century.
Birdman: Still, they should change it.
Denis: How's it like working with Space Ghost?
Birdman: Why does everyone think I work with Space Ghost! It's not true!
Denis: Okay, sorry.
Birdman: That's okay; say...how it is like working with Ray Romano and John what's his name.
Denis: Yeah, the guys who made Ice Age actually released another CGI film...
Birdman: More movies for the kiddies, huh?
Denis: Yep, make movies for the kids, sell off merchandise and make more money.
Birdman: What's it called?
Denis: Robots.
Pause.
Denis: It's about robots.
Pause.
Birdman: That's a simple title, any evil robots that steal, drink, smoke and do drugs?
Denis: Nope.
Birdman: What's it rated?
Denis: PG, just like Ice Age.
Birdman: I might take my kids, I have two you know. One by the way of a she-male mantis, and one by my wife Gigi...I used to work with her in the Galaxy Trio.
Denis: Wait, a she-male mantis? That's fucked up.
Birdman: Yeah, happened back in 1995.
Denis: So, it's 10 years old now?
Birdman: Yeah.
Denis: Is your wife hot?
Birdman: Yeah, but...I don't want to say this...but she always cheats on me.
Denis: Then isn't it possible it might be someone else's baby?
Dramatic chord.
Peanut: His got you there, Harvey.
Denis: Go on the Jerry Springer show.
Birdman: Nah, I think that's cancelled anyway.
Denis: Yeah, I think it is too.
Birdman: Say, is it true you wanted to be a NHL player?
Denis: Actually yes.
Birdman: What turned you to being a comedian?
Denis: I forgot.
Peanut: I wanted to be a comedian.
Birdman: No you didn't.
Peanut: Yep.
Birdman: No.
Peanut: Yes.
Birdman: No.
Peanut: Yes.
Birdman: No.
Peanut: Yes.
Phil: Ha, ha. Hardly any lines.
Peanut: I performed once at the Ghost Planet Chuckle Bucket.
Cut to the Ghost Planet Chuckle Bucket. Peanut is on the stage.
Peanut: And in the '80s, ET was born...by the way of Mr. T and Mrs. E.
Canned laughter.
Audience Member #1: Boo!
Peanut: E is for entertainment, T is for terminal.
Pause.
Peanut: They had sex at the bus depot.
Pause.
Peanut: You just don't get it, that's all.
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: Oh, yeah!
Denis: Do you do opening monologues?
Birdman: The monologue! I forgot about that, I thought I forgot something. Say, what's up with this Survivor show? I mean, how do you know it's not fake?
Pause.
Denis: You made up on the spot didn't you?
Birdman: Yes.
Denis: I heard you're a lawyer, as well now.
Birdman: Yep, been so for 5 or 4 years. It's great.
Denis: Being a lawyer must suck.
Birdman: I suppose.
Denis: I mean, watched Law & Order. Borefest.
Birdman: Law & Order? What's that?
Phil: A show you've never heard of Birdman.
Birdman: How long has it been going for?
Denis: Years now.
Phil: NCIS, CSI, JAG...all these shows suck. Ha, ha.
Denis: Criminal Intent, SUV, Trial by Jury. It's fad among television.
Birdman: I thought reality shows were fads.
Denis: Still true.
Birdman: So there are two fads? I don't get it.
Denis: Well, I have to jet.
Birdman: Bye Denis, I'll remember you as my first official guest.
Denis: Bye one eye, bye Birdman's brother.
Phil: One eye?
Phil looks at down.
Peanut: Brother?
Phil: I'm confused, we'll be right back.
Cut to Bob and a team of executives watching the show.
Bob: You see there, Birdman's voice is too erratic and annoying. We need to get Keith Andes!
Executive #1: The original Birdman?
Bob: Yes...original Birdman.
Phil runs in.
Phil: I said, we'll be right back!
Cut to Commercial.
Cut back to the room, Bob is on the phone.
Bob: Yes, Keith...we'll pay you. Uh, huh. Yep, we'll just fire Gary Cole and bam...back in the 'biz for you my retired friend.
Bob gets off the phone.
Executive #2: Did he agree to it, boss?
Bob: Yep, worked like a chime. He'll be here any minute now.
Phil: (V.O): We are back with Birdman Coast to Coast.
Cut to the set as Birdman walks back in, with a heap of food.
Phil: Birdman, what are you doing?
Birdman: I'm preparing to eat.
Peanut: Why?
Birdman: Because...it's time for that stupid mailbag segment with my nemesis Reducto.
Cut to Reducto.
Reducto: You reckon I'm stupid! I'm better then you Birdman. Now time for that stupid mailbag segment. Here's our first letter. "Dear Reducto, I miss Lokar as host. He rocked, he read it like my Mom would read it, bring back Lokar or else from Lokar". Well Lokar, there is such thing as sour grapes...SHRINK GUN!
Bob: (V.O): His voice is horrible to listen to, his next.
Reducto: Now next letter is from a man from a "cave"..."Dear Reducto, I will destroy your country, your family, your horses, everything you know. I hate you with a passion signed Osama bin Laden". You forgot one thing Osama...SHRINK GUN!
Bob: (V.O): And will he stop with the whole shrink gun angle.
Reducto: Our last letter is from Space Ghost. "To Reducto, you're working for a dumb-dumb head; work for me for more then this creep is giving you. You'll know the meaning of success here. Also you can bring your shrink gun, from Space Ghost". Well, at least I can bring my...SHRINK GUN!
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: Thank you Reducto.
Cut back to Reducto.
Reducto: I'll make you tiny, Birdman.
Cut back to Birdman.
Phil:(V.O): Our next guest is the legendary lead singer of Black Sabbath, stars in his own reality show, and is hitting Australia for the MTV Music Awards. It's Ozzy Osbourne. Ha, ha...koalas.
The TV goes static, and then reveals Ozzy.
Ozzy: What the bloody Hell is this?
Birdman: Hello Ozzy.
Ozzy: Huh, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Birdman: I'm Birdman; this is Birdman Coast to Coast.
Ozzy: Who's that fuck-head at the desk thing, over there?
Birdman: That's Birdboy. Call him Peanut.
Ozzy: Peanut, what sort of name is that?
Birdman: I don't know, I'm not his mother.
Ozzy: Who's that guy with the fucking eye patch?
Birdman: Falcon 7. Call him Phil.
Ozzy: Oh, who's the bird?
Birdman: That's my eagle, Avenger.
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: Yes, Avenger.
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: Say, Ozzy...you have children, don't you?
Ozzy: Yes, I love them with all my heart.
Birdman: There's Jack, Kelly and, there was another one...who was it?
Ozzy: Well, I have a wife...Sharon.
Birdman: Say, Ozzy...how come you decided to call yourself, Ozzy?
Ozzy: I don't know, it was years ago.
Birdman: Yeah.
Ozzy laughs.
Birdman: What's up with those "bite-the-bat" stunts you do?
Ozzy laughs.
Ozzy: Well, it's a thing I did when I was with my band...Black Sabbath.
Birdman: Black Sabbath, I know.
Ozzy: Yeah.
Birdman: Hey, Ozzy.
Ozzy: Yes.
Birdman: I formed my own band, wanna hear?
Ozzy: Sure.
Birdman: It's called "Birdman and the Galaxy Trio". The song I'm going to perform is called "Let Me Do What I Do".
Ozzy: Okay, let's hear it.
Birdman: Okay, a one...a two...a one, two, three four...
Cut to Birdman with a guitar, Peanut at his usual music desk. Phil at the drums and Avenger on Birdman's shoulder.
Birdman and the Galaxy Trio: We're going to rock, rock this town. We're going to do what we do best, honey. I'm going to rock really loud, do what I do with you louder! That's right; we're Birrrrrrrrrdman and the Galaxy Trio! Let Me Do What I Do, baby! We do our own show on the Sun; we rock real hard on Mars! We're going to rock, just for you baby! That's right, we're going to rock...just for you baby! LET ME DO WHAT I DO!
Birdman sets the guitar on fire, and starts licking it. Peanut then bites Avenger's head off ala Ozzy Osbourne and Phil throws his eye patch up and catches it and puts it back on. Cut back to the set as Ozzy claps.
Ozzy: YEAH!
Birdman: YEAH!
Peanut: YEAH!
Phil: Yeah. Ha, ha.
Cut to Avenger, with his head stitched back on.
Avenger: COR!
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: We're going to do an album, release it sometime in May.
Ozzy: Yeah.
Birdman: Make an ass-load of money.
Ozzy: Yep,
Birdman: Then meet the ladies.
Peanut: Harvey, you're married to Gigi.
Birdman: Oh yeah, then you guys meet the ladies.
Phil: Ha, ha. Chicks.
Birdman: Enough about me, Ozzy. What about you?
Ozzy: Well, basically I'm a washed-up singer. Ha.
Birdman: With your own reality show? Right?
Ozzy: Oh yeah, but I think it's cancelled, or something.
Birdman: Oh yeah...say, do you like your voice?
Ozzy: Yeah, why? I fucking love my voice.
Birdman: I reckon Bob is going fire the guy who voices me soon.
Ozzy: Why?
Birdman: Because, I signed a contract before the show.
Pause.
Ozzy: Yeah...
Birdman: And that makes it legal for him to change my voice guy.
Ozzy: Wait, so that's not your real voice. Basically...you're lip-syncing.
Birdman: Actually, that's done for me. (Birdman's mouth doesn't move while talking)
Ozzy: Shit!
Birdman: Yeah, I know.
Ozzy: So, I heard it's your first show. That's pretty exciting, I guess.
Birdman: I suppose.
Ozzy: That's great, Bird guy.
Birdman: Birdman.
Ozzy: Yeah.
Birdman: BIRRRRRDMAN!
Ozzy: BIRRRRRDMAN!
Birdman: Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy!
Ozzy: Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!
Birdman: I love you Ozzy Osbourne!
Pause.
Ozzy: That's fucking wrong, man.
Birdman: I don't know what came over me. Voice actors don't preach!
Ozzy: Huh?
Birdman: I'm keeping my voice! I'm keeping my voice! Whoaaaaaa!
Ozzy: Ha, I get it.
Birdman: So, voice actors don't preach!
Ozzy: What's come over you?
Birdman: I'm gonna keep my voice!
Ozzy: That's great.
Cut to "Birdman and the Galaxy Trio".
Birdman and the Galaxy Trio: Soooooooooo voice actors don't preach! Oh, yeah! Voice actors don't preach, I don't want you to qqqqqqqquit! Sooooooooooooooooo voice actors don't preach! You get paid! Voice actors don't preach! You're not a priest! Voice actors don't preach! Whoaaaaaaaaa! I'm keeping my voice! I'm keeping my voice! No matter what you say! So, voice actors don't preach! You're not a priest! Voice actors don't preach! Whoaaaaaaaa! Fuck yeah!
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: I needed to get that out of my system. So, how are you Ozzy?
Ozzy: My daughter Kelly covered that song, "Papa Don't Preach".
Birdman: I'm not your papa, Ozzy. My papa is alive in a retirement home at New York.
Ozzy: Really.
Birdman: Yeah, his name is Roy Randall. My name is Ray.
Peanut: Don't say your identity!
Birdman: Oh, shut up. Peanut is always a problem.
Ozzy: I see.
Birdman: So, if it doesn't work out...he's fired. Bam! Replaced by Lokar.
Cut to Lokar.
Lokar: Yes!
Cut back to the set.
Ozzy: Oh, well. It happens.
Birdman: Yes, I agree. Say, Ozzy...do you want an animated talk show?
Ozzy: No, not really. Heh.
Birdman: What team you go for?
Ozzy: What team?
Birdman: NFL team.
Ozzy: I don't really care.
Birdman: I like the New York Jets. Too made they are not going to make it this year. Say, were you offended last year when we saw Janet Jackson half-breast at the Super Bowl last year.
Ozzy: No, not really.
Birdman: You see, parents are too overprotective these days. You can't even say a dirty word like bleep without getting censored!
Ozzy: I know.
Birdman: See, you agree with me Ozzy.
Ozzy: Yeah, heh.
Birdman: bleep this, bleep that. I hate being bleep!
Ozzy: I know what you mean.
Birdman: I hate that president, bleep.
Ozzy: Yeah.
Birdman: See, I got censored for saying the president's name! How stupid it that!
Ozzy: Well, how bleep stupid.
Birdman: The FCC will face my wrath! BLEEEEEEEP!
Ozzy: Whoa.
Birdman: I voted for John Kerry, last year. Who did you vote for?
Ozzy: Well, I can't really say. Ha.
Birdman: Imagine what life will be like with Kerry as president.
Cut to John Kerry.
John Kerry: WE NEED A PRESIDENT THAT CARES! I WILL MAKE SURE ADULTS HEAR THE WORD bleep ON TV!
People: Hell yeah!
John Kerry: MY FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, REMOVE SOLDIERS OUT OF IRAQ!
People: YEAH!
Cut to Birdman.
Birdman: Boy, will that be sweet. Well, we've run out of time Ozzy!
Ozzy: See you, Birdman.
Birdman: I'll see you at this year's Ozzfest!
Ozzy disappears from the screen.
Phil: After this commercial break, the creators of the hit Comedy Central series, Trey Parker & Matt Stone.
Cut to the executives. Keith Andes arrives.
Keith: Hi guys, I'm here.
Bob: Keith, it was about time. When Birdman comes back, you'll replace Birdman.
Cut to Gary Cole.
Gary: Does that mean I'm fired?
Bob: Yes, Gary.
Gary: Oh well, I'll just live off welfare.
Gary lives.
Bob: Whatever.
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to the set.
Phil: Welcome back to Birdman Coast to Coast.
Birdman: I'm going to steal another thing from Space Ghost. An idea never used. "Ask the Big Banana".
Peanut: Ask the Big Banana?
Cut to a screen reading: "Ask the Big Banana".
Phil: Ask the Big Banana, ha...ha.
Cut to Birdman on the street, dressed in a banana suit.
Birdman: Say, do you want to ask the big banana?
Person #1: Why the Hell are you dressed up as a banana?
Birdman: Uh, Banana boat.
Person #1: Whatever.
Another person walks up to him.
Person #2: Are you really that stupid?
Birdman: Yes, lady, I am...thank you.
Person #2: God, you're weird.
Birdman: C'mon, it's the year 2005! An ex-superhero/ bad lawyer/talk show host is dressed up as banana! What the Hell is wrong with you people!
Person #3: Hi.
Birdman: Say, ask the big banana.
Person #3: What? Like why should I care?
Birdman: That was uncalled for.
Person #3 leaves. Cut back to the screen reading: "Ask the Big Banana".
Phil: Ask the Big Banana is over.
Cut back to Birdman on the set.
Birdman: I filmed that segment 20 minutes before the show started.
Peanut: Space Ghost may have never used it, but he was going to use it for the series premiere. But it got cut for some reason.
Birdman: Didn't have the time?
Peanut: E-exactly.
Birdman: Oh Avenger, send in Trey & Matt. Let's get it over and done with.
Phil: Please welcome our last guests, the partners in comedy crime...Trey Parker & Matt Stone!
They appear on the screen.
Trey: Hello, Birdman.
Matt: Yeah, hi.
Birdman: So, you created South Park, huh?
Trey: Yep.
Matt: Basically it started out as an internet cartoon.
Birdman: Internet? Who goes on that crappy thing anymore?
Trey: Nerds.
Matt: Yeah, nerds who have time on their hands.
Birdman: So, you created a short film put it on the internet and it became a show.
Matt: No, I don't think we put it on there; it just was put there by someone.
Trey: There was a lot of vulgarity in it.
Birdman: Oh yeah.
Trey: Yeah, it had a lot of swearing. Cartman & Kenny's names were actually switched in that film, then when we made a second cartoon they names were switched.
Birdman: So, you created two pilots like me?
Matt: No, we weren't expecting it to become a series.
Trey: Hell no.
Matt: Nor did we know it will be so popular.
Birdman: It's in its ninth season this year, you gonna make a tenth?
Trey: Yeah, after we make the tenth...Bam! We're out of here.
Matt: We want to do over things.
Trey: We don't want to do a crappy cartoon all our life.
Matt: We need to retire.
Birdman: What team do you go for?
Matt: What team would be...
Birdman: America!
Matt: Oh, yeah. Team America.
Trey: We had the worst time making that movie. Puppets are just like actors, that won't go along with you.
Matt: We spent six gruelling months, and then South Park came back afterwards. Oh God, I need a proper break.
Birdman: Don't we all. Say, you have a band don't you?
Trey: Yeah, it's called D.V.D.A.
Birdman: It stands for Digital Video Disc Asslicks, doesn't it?
Matt: No, you don't want to know what it stands for.
Birdman: C'mon.
Matt: No.
Trey: No.
Birdman: C'mon.
Trey: No.
Birdman: Oh. Also you made another show which got cancelled didn't you?
Matt: Yeah, That's My Bush! Comedy Central said the show was too expensive. So we gave up on it.
Birdman: After 8 episodes?
Trey: Yeah, it was a sitcom about the President.
Birdman: Of Jupiter?
Pause.
Trey: No, United States.
Birdman: Oh, (Birdman changes to Keith Andes version) okay.
Matt: What happened to your voice?
Birdman: I don't know!
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: It's happening! My voice isn't appealing to the 18-39 demographic! NO!
Phil: Ha, ha. Voice same. Yours different.
Matt: Doing voices is pretty easy.
Trey: Getting paid to talk is easy street.
Phil: I know.
Peanut: Getting paid to make music is easy street as well.
Birdman: Hello! My voice!
Trey: (doing Cartman voice): Goddamnit we don't care, you hippie!
Birdman: FEEL THE POWER OF THE HOST!
Birdman blasts the screen.
Birdman: Now, about my voice...
Phil: Who cares!
Birdman: I care.
Peanut: I know a witch doctor.
Peanut knocks on a door, Tansut opens the door.
Tansut: Hello, finally someone cares about poor Tansut.
Peanut: Are you a witch doctor?
Tansut: Aah, yes I am.
Cut to a chamber. Birdman is on the table, strapped down. Phil, Peanut & Avenger are watching as Tansut enters.
Phil: You don't look like much of a witch doctor.
Tansut: You don't look much like an announcer.
Phil: Oh, shut up.
Peanut: Don't worry, he works on Ghost Planet.
Birdman: Ghost Planet! On top of the planet.
Tansut: Yes.
Birdman: You hired a guy who works for Space Ghost!
Peanut: Oh well, you want your voice fixed or what?
Tansut: Know I will repeat the following words. Hey mumbo! Italiano! Hey mumbo! Italiano! Hey mumbo! Hey mumbo!
A spirit is coming out of Birdman's nose, when it escapes; it pops back in his mouth.
Tansut: Oh no, Tansut is so stupid!
Birdman: What happened?
Tansut: Oh nothing.
Birdman: Thanks.
Back on the set.
Birdman: So, I killed Trey Parker & Matt Stone?
Phil: Yep.
Birdman: Eh, could be worse. My voice could be like it was before Peanut got that witch doctor guy.
Peanut: Ah, Birdman. It didn't work.
Birdman: What?
Peanut: The voice exorcism, it didn't change anything.
Birdman: WHAT! OH F...
End credits.