Birdman Coast to Coast
Lawyer Stuff
Cut to Birdman writing on a typewriter.
Birdman: ...and in 2001, my career as a lawyer began...
Phil enters.
Phil: Harvey, what are you doing?
Birdman: I'm writing my memoirs. It's called: "BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!".
Phil: Ha, ha. Your catchphrase.
Birdman: I'm writing about my life, I'm up to when you hired me as a lawyer.
Phil: Really, Birdman?
Birdman: I'm going to basically say I defended some of the most well-known people, Scooby Doo, Fred Flinstone, Boo Boo, Grape Ape, so on and so forth.
Phil: Well, the show starts in about, 10 seconds.
Birdman: I'll be there in a minute.
Phil leaves.
Birdman: I first defended, Dr. Benton Quest. I reckon he was gay.
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, star of the hit show Law & Order...Sam Waterson! Nope, that's it. Just him, ha! Ha! Now here's your host...
Cut to the set.
Peanut: Where's Harvey?
Phil: I told him the show will start in 10 seconds. Ha! Ha! He didn't listen.
Peanut: I suppose it will be The Peanut Show now.
Singers: It's Peanut, It's fresh, and it's a bunch of krabbesh! His Peanut, the thing you spread on bread! PEEEEEEEEANUT!
Sound of audience clapping. Peanut is in Birdman's desk.
Peanut: Thank you, thank you. Tonight's guest is actor Sam Waterson, star of the original Law & Order.
The screen goes through static and then reveals Sam.
Peanut: Hello Sam.
Sam: Hi, Peanut.
Peanut: Le' Peanut is le' best.
Sam: Yeah, you're speaking French.
Peanut: (In French, with subtitles): Peanut make Ghost Planet klambo.
Sam: Heh, yeah.
Peanut: Say Sam, so your show is in...
Sam: 15th season.
Peanut: That's a lot, how do you make new and fresh ideas?
Sam: Basically it's the writers. They're great, yeah...Dick Wolf is great.
Peanut: Dick Wolf? Or do you mean a wolf's dick?
Pause.
Sam: That's going a little too far, isn't it?
Peanut: No, I walked in Phil's office and saw him sucking a wolf's dick.
Phil: So I enjoy sucking animal's cocks, kill me why don't you? Ha! Ha! Oral sex with animals.
Sam: That's sick.
Phil: I know, try a dog's penis. They just keep on pissing.
Sam: Yeah, ummm...Dick Wolf is the creator.
Peanut: Oh, so he created you. Le' sex.
Sam: NO! He "created" Law & Order.
Peanut: Oh I see, we are talking about the show right.
Phil: I'm sick and twisted, right?
Sam: Yes you are. What's his name?
Phil: Phil Ken Sebben.
Sam: Yeah, Phil.
Phil: Ken Sebben.
Sam: Where's Birdman?
Phil: His writing his memoirs.
Peanut: His memoirs? Like he has one!
Sam: Is he an ex-superhero or something?
Peanut: His an ex-superhero/lawyer/talk-show host.
Sam: Lawyer, huh?
Peanut: He doesn't know the meaning of the word "lawyer"
Cut to Mentok the Mindtaker.
Mentok: ...because his a dumbass wanker!
Peanut: Huh?
Mentok: Yes! Mindtaking!
Peanut: Whatever.
Cut back to Peanut.
Peanut: His a judge.
Sam: While both with a jury when you have a mindtaker as a judge! Ha, ha, heh.
Phil: I'm a sicko!
Peanut: His proud.
Phil: Find me some animal shame!
Peanut: Yet, disgusting.
Sam: Yeah, I noticed.
Peanut: Where's Harvey?
Phil runs around, goofy like.
Phil: Give me some banana!
Peanut: No.
Sam: Put him in the nut house. His crazy if he wants to perform oral sex with animals.
Peanut: What are you, a "crazy doctor".
Sam: Well I played one in "Family Guy".
Pause.
Peanut: Good show.
Sam: Yes it is.
Peanut: Listen Sam, if this show is going too fast for you, just say so.
Sam: Well, it is, actually.
Peanut: I run a half-hour show; I don't get an extra half-hour.
Sam: Oh, well.
Peanut: Better then only fifteen minutes.
Sam: Yeah, I suppose.
Peanut: Pretty stupid, so random.
Sam: Life is random.
Cut to Birdman writing on a typewriter.
Birdman: And in 2004, my show got greenlighted, and premiered in 2005. Thanks for reading, I enjoyed writing it. Written by Ray "Birdman" Randall. Stay tuned for my next book: "How to Have Sex with Objects".
Birdman gets all the pieces of paper and slips them under a book.
Birdman: Put a few staples.
Birdman staples the pages with a "Invisible Stapler".
Birdman: There, finished. Time to promote it.
Birdman walks off with the book, the cover as a picture of him, with hands up high. Says "BIRRRRRRRDMAN", "Written by Ray "Birdman" Randall".
Birdman: First stop, Ghost Planet.
Cut back to the set.
Peanut: Do you like chickens?
Sam: Sure.
Peanut: S-s-s-s-Sam, I have a theory about people who have names beginning with S.
Cut to Brak's Dad.
Brak's Dad: I have theory about people with "F" names, what's your point?
Cut back to the set.
Peanut: People whose name begins with "S" are human embodiments of snakes. It's all in my book: "My Theories". I promoted it once on Space Ghost Coast to Coast.
Phil: No you didn't.
Peanut: Well, the interview got cut because of time, but I reckon it's because I work with his rival, Birdman.
Phil: Ha, ha. Liar.
Peanut: It's true, I'll even show you the interview.
Cut to Phil in the control room with Avenger.
Phil: Yeah, you do that. C'mon Avenger, be a good eagle.
Phil kneels down closer and closer. Cut to Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: Please welcome my next guest, actor and now author here to plug his new book "My Theories", Peanut "Birdboy" Leonard.
Cut to Peanut on the monitor.
Peanut: Thank you, Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: Say Peanut, I'm allergic to peanuts.
Zorak: Really?
Space Ghost: Yes, I am Zorak.
Zorak: Well, I'll get go to the food place.
Space Ghost: Good, while you're there...get me some French Fries. No, peanuts! Got it!
Zorak: Yes.
Space Ghost: Moltar, you go with.
Cut to Moltar.
Moltar: Yeah, sure.
Moltar & Zorak walk off as they are quickly replaced by Lokar (Zorak's place) and Brak (Moltar's place).
Space Ghost: That was quick.
Lokar: Yes it was.
Brak: Heh, heh...Space Ghost is so dumb.
Space Ghost: WHAT!
Space Ghost blasts Brak.
Peanut: Yeah, I have new book called "My Theories" it's about...all my theories.
Space Ghost: Like your theories of how stupid Birdman is?
Peanut: Uh...
Space Ghost: Or your theories of how I'm so great?
Peanut: Well...
Space Ghost: TELL ME!
Lokar: How about his theories of how your so dumb?
Space Ghost blasts Lokar.
Space Ghost: Hey that looks like fun!
Space Ghost blasts himself.
Peanut: I like pies.
Cut to outer view.
Peanut: You like pies?
Cut back to present.
Peanut: Space Ghost killed everyone, including himself.
Sam: What happened to Moltar & Zorak?
Peanut: Well, they never returned from the store. So, the show was put on hiatus. Right, Phil?
Cut to Phil in the control room as Phil comes back up.
Phil: Uh, yeah...sure.
Cut back to Peanut.
Peanut: You were doing that thing again weren't you?
Sam: This is a very weird place.
Peanut: Oh, I agree Sam.
Sam: I enjoy playing my character Jack McCoy on "Law & Order".
Peanut: Jerry Orbach will always be remembered.
Sam: Yes, it was sad he departed from the show, even sadder that departed from our lives.
Peanut: Dastardly business that.
Avenger: COOOOOR!
Peanut: Shut up Avenger.
Phil: Just a few more seconds, Avenger.
Peanut: That's just sick business.
Sam: I don't get how he does it.
Peanut: He kneels down, opens his mouth and sucks the cock.
Sam: I didn't mean that, I meant how he could stand doing something like that.
Peanut: He doesn't, he kneels down.
Sam: Yes, but it doesn't matter.
Peanut: Time for that annoying mailbag segment with Reducto, I forgot what it was called, Lokar named the segment way back in 1995.
Cut to Reducto sitting on a couch.
Reducto: Who's that? Someone is spying on me; remember one thing...SHRINK GUN!
Peanut: It's time for the mailbag thing.
Reducto: Oh yeah, we have a record of 6 mails from Birdman's stupid fans. Oh well, first letter is from the P.E.T.A. "Dear Phil Ken Sebben, what you do to animals is sick. If you violate one more animal we swear we'll rip your lungs out so you won't be able to breathe, you sick man". I don't even want to know what that was about, but I don't want to know. Second letter is from Phil..."To P.E.T.A., I can't help enjoying performing oral sex on animals; I just enjoy it so much I can't stop. Up yours, I won't stop...ha, ha." Well, that what it was about, ew. Also, "Dear Birdman, your mamma is so fat; she can't even fit in her house, from Space Ghost". Also, "To Matt Groening, I love The Simpsons so much, I mailed this to the wrong person! I love you, Deborah". Okay, second last one "Dear Reducto, I love you. You remind me of my dad, I love you so much I can just do anything to you, mess around with you, and get dirty, the works". Well, that's just sick. Last one, "Dear Phil, we are coming to the set and we are going to kill you...in a few seconds". Well, that's it.
Cut back to Peanut.
Peanut: Well, at least Phil is getting what he deserves.
Phil walks in.
Phil: I'm not scared of those hippies, there most probably so stoned...they won't even know who I am...
Members of P.E.T.A. rush in and stab Phil.
Phil: We'll be right back.
Cut to commercial break.
Cut to Space Ghost Coast to Coast set.
Space Ghost: Our next guest is stupid-head Earth ex-hero, Ray "Birdman" Randall.
Birdman appears on the screen.
Space Ghost: Ray, your new book "BIRRRRRDMAN" is going to be a number 10 hit.
Birdman: You think?
Space Ghost: No, I reckon it will bomb.
Birdman: Hey!
Space Ghost: I read your book, right...it said you have a 10-year old son, turning 11 in May, but did you mention how it was "conceived"?
Birdman: No.
Space Ghost: How you did a "dirty deed" with Zorak.
Birdman: No.
Space Ghost: That thing showed that I still control you.
Birdman: Well, I have a new book in the works "How to Have Sex with Objects".
Space Ghost: I have an idea for your next book "How to Perform Oral Sex with Mantises". Hahahahahahahahaha.
Birdman: Space Ghost, that was 10 years ago.
Space Ghost: I know, but I still find it hilarious.
Birdman: Heard your show is cancelled.
Space Ghost: No it is not; it's on "hiatus" because Zorak & Moltar are doing "other" things at the moment, I also had that panel thing I did last year after the premiere of "Perfect Hair Forever". Now we are filming episodes for season nine, you're our first interview.
Birdman: Really?
Space Ghost: No time for answer, we've ran out of time. See you Birdman, I don't salute you.
Birdman disappears from the screen.
Space Ghost: Got it, Moltar?
Moltar: Yep.
Space Ghost: We'll just put it on the season nine DVD, just like we are going to do with that old Peanut interview.
Zorak: Nah, let's just have the tape rot.
Space Ghost: How about, if Birdman does anything to anger us, we'll show the tape on his show, without him knowing.
Moltar: Good idea.
Zorak: Yeah.
Space Ghost: Now let's go to the Taco King.
Moltar, Zorak: Yeah!
Space Ghost: Yeah.
Birdman flies through the set as Tansut walks out.
Tansut: Hey, don't...oh it doesn't even matter anymore.
Cut back to the Birdman set.
Peanut: Okay, Phil?
Cut to a bloodily Phil.
Phil: Yeah, could be worse.
Peanut: Say Sam, you like tacos?
Sam: Yeah.
Peanut: Thinking about going to the Taco King on Mars.
Birdman flies through the set.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRDMAN!
Peanut: Hi Birdie, too bad your 11 minutes late for your own show.
Birdman: Really?
Phil: I did say the show will start in 10 seconds.
Birdman: I thought you said "10 minutes". Well, I finished my book, went and filmed an interview with Space Ghost on Ghost Planet promoting it.
Peanut: Really?
Birdman: Yeah. Say, isn't that a guy?
Birdman points to Sam.
Peanut: Yes, who plays a lawyer on "Law & Order".
Birdman pushes Peanut off and sits in his desk.
Birdman: What's your name?
Sam: Sam Waterson.
Birdman: My name is Ray Randall. You can call me Birdman.
Sam: I hear you're a lawyer, Ray.
Birdman: I said...Birdman.
Sam: Birdman, right.
Birdman: Yes, I'm a lawyer.
Sam: Well, I PLAY a lawyer.
Birdman: Playing, playtime is over, bub. It's time for some attorney action.
Sam: Okay...time me all you know.
Birdman: Keep your judges close, and the opposing attorney closer.
Sam: Okay, sure.
Birdman: Always bribe the judge if you lose the case.
Sam: Yeah.
Birdman: If your nervous, just think that it's the guy's ass on the line, not yours.
Sam: Well...okay.
Birdman: And just think to yourself, you're an actor in a hit courtroom drama starring a New York lawyer who defends for his rights and has an ADA at his side.
Sam: That's basically the character, I play.
Birdman: Smart guy, huh?
Sam: Smarter then you.
Pause.
Birdman: I didn't hear that.
Sam: I'm smarter then...
Birdman: Lalalalalalalalalala.
Sam: I said I'm...
Birdman: Lalalalalalalalalalala.
Sam: Forget it.
Birdman: That's what I'm trying to do.
Sam: Yeah. And that advice doesn't really help.
Birdman: What advice?
Sam: Your "lawyer" advice.
Birdman: My lawyer advice is the best advice around!
Peanut: Then how come sometimes you lose?
Cut to a clip from "A Very Personal Injury".
Reducto: I win! I win! I don't lose, I win! Oh, Hell.
Cut to a clip from "Deadomutt, Part 1".
Juror: Well find the defendant, not guilty. Ha, ha.
Mentok: What? I'm wrong! Oh well, guilty!
Mentok bangs the gavel.
Cut to a clip from "The Devlin Made Me Do It".
Squirrel: You...
Birdman:(V.O): Okay, I get the point.
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: I didn't need to see that.
Peanut: Oh, well.
Sam: Ha, ha.
Birdman: What are you laughing at?
Sam: You.
Birdman: I bet you filmed episodes, where your character lost the case.
Sam: Yeah, we did.
Birdman: Ha! I now have the last laugh.
Sam: Yes, you do.
Birdman: Have you been watching this "Survivor". Angie most be spinning in her grave.
Sam: Who?
Birdman: She is a contestant on Survivor: Palau, she watches Adult Swim.
Sam: Lots more ratings for Adult Swim, then.
Birdman: More ratings for me as well.
Sam: Ratings are good.
Birdman: You watch Lost?
Sam: No.
Birdman: Gilligan's Island, but without the funny.
Sam: Really.
Birdman: Yeah! And I heard it was a cross of Gilligan's Island and Survivor. Both shows I like, then I saw it was just a cheap rip off.
Sam: Really.
Birdman: Yeah, they don't even look real.
Pause.
Birdman: You see...
Sam: Sam.
Birdman: Yeah, Sam...that those guys look like puppets.
Sam: No, I think they're real.
Birdman: Nope. Marionettes.
Sam: I thought you said puppets.
Birdman: Marionettes & puppets are the same thing.
Sam: Yeah?
Birdman: Yep.
Sam: Yep.
Birdman: I wonder if I can have a puppet show: "The Birdman Puppets"...
Cut to a marionette version of Birdman.
Birdman: Hello, I'm Birdman. Tonight on The Birdman Puppets, puppet pal Peanut will get puppet pal-smacked by me!
Birdman walks over (very badly, I might add) and smacks Peanut as he screams.
Birdman: Now, puppet pal Phil is nearly dead...so no smacking him tonight.
Sound clip of audience booing.
Birdman: But we do have puppet rival Space Ghost to smack around!
Birdman rides on Space Ghost's back as he smacks him. Back to present.
Birdman: That will be sweet.
Sam: What?
Birdman: Being a puppet.
A worm covered in blood slides over the desk.
Birdman: What's this?
Peanut: A bloodmite, it's a termite/worm thing that feasts on blood and organs. Better call the exterminator.
Birdman: Okay.
Cut to Birdman on the phone.
Birdman: Okay then. 10 dollars. 1, 000, 0000 dollars. Okay, 5, 000, 000, 00,000,000 dollars. Fine, it's settled.
Cut to outside of the set, a hover-truck with the name "Kill Thy Worm". The wizard from "The Brak Show" Marion hovers out.
Marion: Hello Mr. Birdman, nice to see you.
Birdman: Go inside and exterminate my damn set!
Marion: Okay, just evacuate everyone.
Cut to Birdman, Phil, and Peanut & Avenger in the hover-van.
Birdman: Did you cut to commercial?
Phil: No.
Birdman: Ugh, crap. We can't cut to commercial unless one of us goes inside and pulls down the lever to start the ad break. No, let's stay here.
Phil: Anyone see any good movies lately?
Birdman: I saw The Aviator.
Phil: Any good?
Birdman: Not really.
Cut to inside. Marion is wearing a get-up and has a vacuum-cleaner type thing, releasing killer gas.
Marion: Come out, Bloodmites.
Pause.
Marion: Hurry up, Bloodmites.
Pause.
Marion: This is so stupid!
The gas spreads as Marion starts coughing.
Marion: I forgot the mask!
Marion then lies dead on the floor. Cut to the hover-van.
Peanut: Say, what happened to that X the Exterminator guy.
X the Exterminator comes out.
X the Exterminator: I'm here.
Peanut: Huh?
X the Exterminator: You see, I work with Marion. An "Earth" wizard who also works as an exterminator. Funny story isn't it?
Birdman: Not really.
Cut back to inside. The gas stops as the gang rush back in.
Peanut: Hey! The Bloodmites are dead! And it didn't take 6 months like I originally thought.
Birdman: Oh, no...Marion's dead.
Birdman moves Marion's body out of the frame.
Peanut: Oh Birdman, your guest is gone.
Birdman: What?
Peanut: Maybe the poison made the TV monitor go haywire, meaning the transmission went off.
Birdman: Oh, crap. Where am I going to get another guest to fill about five more minutes?
Peanut: I don't know.
Phil: This place smells, ha...ha.
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: Yes, my trusty sidekick go get another guest.
Avenger: CORRRRRRRRR!
Birdman: Okay, cut to commercial.
Phil: We'll be right back. Or will we?
Birdman: Yes.
Phil: So-rry. Ha! Ha!
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the set.
Birdman: You thought I couldn't think of a guest right?
Peanut: Yeah.
Birdman: Well, I thought of someone!
Peanut: Really?
Birdman: No. I'm going to air Space Ghost Coast to Coast bloopers.
Peanut: Sweet.
Cut to a black n' white screening counting down: "5, 4, 3, 2...". Cut to the Space Ghost set.
Space Ghost: Greetings, I'm Space Dork.
Zorak & Moltar laugh.
Space Ghost: I mean...guys!
Bob: Cut!
Cut to another blooper. Zorak is dressed up as Space Ghost.
Zorak: (doing Space Ghost impression): I'm Space Ghost, I'm so great. I have power bands to fend off my enemies. I'm so stupid! I had a crush on Fran Drescher, Judy Trunta & Sharon Stone.
Moltar walks in and laughs.
Moltar: That's great.
Bob: Cut!
Cut to Space Ghost with Bobcat Gothwait.
Space Ghost: Bobcat? What sort of name is that?
Bobcat: Uh...
Bob: Cut!
Cut to Birdman blasting Space Ghost.
Bob: CUT!
Cut to Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: Are we on?
Bob: CUTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Cut to Space Ghost tapping his cue cards.
Space Ghost: I have no material, so watch news at 11.
Bob: Oh, that's so CUT!
Cut to Space Ghost at the mess hall.
Space Ghost: I do feel sorry for Birdman, a little.
Bob: Huh? Okay, that's cut.
Cut to Space Ghost and Ol' Kentucky Shark.
Space Ghost: This is Ol' Kentucky Shark, looks like a plastic doll.
Bob: CUT!
Cut to the guys leaving.
Bob: That's it; I'm putting it on hiatus.
Cut to the mess hall.
Bob: You know why I put it on hiatus?
Space Ghost: Because we are naughty employees.
Bob: YES! We won't even consider making a ninth season until you come in and get your lines right! You got it.
Space Ghost: Yes, sir.
Bob: Good, no Taco King tonight.
Everyone groans.
Zorak: Thanks alot Space Ghost.
Moltar: Yeah, thanks.
Space Ghost: You're welcome.
Zorak punches Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: Hey!
Space Ghost blasts Zorak.
Space Ghost: Take that!
The reel of bloopers ends as the "Birdman" crew applause.
Birdman: That was great, wasn't it?
Peanut: Oh, yeah.
Birdman: I hope the people at home enjoyed that as much as we did. Whoa!
Peanut: HE likes YOU.
Birdman: I know! As if I like him.
Phil: Ha, ha.
Phil dies.
Birdman: Now we need to attend a second funeral.
Cut to Birdman, Peanut & Avenger at Marion's funeral.
Priest: And Marion was a good wizard unlike Harry Potter...
Cut to the second funeral.
Priest: And Phil was a great comrade among the four musketeers.
Birdman: Four?
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: I enjoyed that.
Peanut: It's a funeral, Harvey...you weren't supposed to enjoy it!
Birdman: Well, I liked the food...okay.
Peanut: Yeah sure.
Space Ghost crashes through the set with the Phantom Cruiser. Space Ghost walks out.
Space Ghost: Hello.
Birdman: Hi.
Space Ghost: You attended a funeral, huh?
Peanut: Yeah.
Space Ghost: Two to be exact.
Peanut: Oh yeah.
Birdman: Sam's funeral is tomorrow.
Space Ghost: I see. Say, I have a video of the interview I did with Birdman, early tonight.
Birdman: Huh?
Space Ghost: Moltar also spliced in some of your show's bloopers, as well.
Birdman: You saw that time-killer thing we did?
Space Ghost: Oh, yeah.
Birdman: End the show, Avenger! End the show!
End credits.