Birdman Coast to Coast
Breakdown
Cut to a screen reading: "Birdman Coast to Coast won't be seen tonight, due to news coverage". The screen then goes to the News Alien (from The Brak Show).
News Alien: News just in a few seconds ago, there was a big tidal wave in Ghost Planet. People say it wasn't caused by Mother Nature...
Cut to a womanly cloud.
Mother Nature: Really? I thought I sent minions to cause that tsunami.
Cut back to the News Alien.
News Alien: ...but by terrorists. Space Ghost is on the scene.
Cut to Space Ghost.
News Alien: (V.O): So Space Ghost, you haven't found anything yet?
Space Ghost: Well, we have one clue a polyester blue vest and piece of a green foot. If anyone can find the culprit, please call 8279-CRIME. Your knowledge of the crime will really help us.
News Alien: (V.O): Well, we have our first caller. Hello, you're on the air.
Caller:(V.O): Hello, this is...uh..., Ray. Ray Charles.
Space Ghost: Ray Charles is dead, you must be a zombie!
Space Ghost blasts a lifeguard.
Caller:(V.O): I mean, Ray Dick.
Phil:(V.O): Ha, ha. Dick.
Space Ghost: Birdman, is that you?
Birdman:(V.O): Okay, it's me. I want my show to be on. Air news coverage, just air my God forsaken' show!
Space Ghost: Okay.
Announcer: We'll now join Birdman Coast to Coast in progress.
Cut to the set.
Birdman: ...so, that's my reasoning for why Peanut is so stupid.
Peanut: Stop practising for the big interview.
Birdman: Shut up. Alrighty...
Peanut: Space Ghost.
Birdman: Huh?
Peanut: Space Ghost, he says that.
Birdman: Who ca...
Cut back to the News Alien.
News Alien: News just in! Moltar Molten, the star of the hit talk show Space Ghost Coast to Coast has admitted to witnessing the act of terrorism!
Birdman:(V.O): Huh?
News Alien: You said we can air news coverage as long as we air your show. So, shut up. Moltar has chosen to allow the police to put him in questioning.
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, controversial radio personality Howard Stern, controversial cartoonist John K. and last, controversial judge, Simon Cowell. Here's your host...
Birdman crashes through the set.
Birdman: BIR...
Cut back to the News Alien.
News Alien: What the Hell was that?
Birdman:(V.O): Fighting airtime with airtime.
News Alien: You can't do that! Only we can do that! We'll kill you!
News Alien goes sideways.
News Alien: Here's a stolen tape from Ghost Planet Police Station...
Cut to a black and white tape of Moltar in a questioning room.
Space Ghost:(V.O): Okay, Mr. Molten...if you won't mind we'll tape you while we ask the questions and you answer them.
Moltar: Well, me and Zorak were just looking for some fun, right...but he decided to steal a 50 ton nuclear mega bomb from Space Ghost's stash of confiscated weapons over in his Phantom Cruiser. Then Zorak decided to drop the bomb in the waters at Ghost Planet Beach, it was like okay...then...
Space Ghost:(V.O): Then what?
Moltar: He decided to denote it, causing a mega tidal wave. Zorak & me were laughing manically, until we saw you on the news, Space Ghost.
Space Ghost walks out.
Space Ghost: Moltar! HEY, you stole my nuclear mega bomb!
Space Ghost blasts Moltar. Cut back to Birdman in the set.
Birdman: So Howard, that's why you switched to satellite?
Howard: Yeah, I mean...the FCC is a kick in the balls, man.
Birdman: We at Birdman Coast to Coast aren't censored by the FCC, but by the Department of Standards & Practises. This is like a cable version of the FCC.
Howard: Yeah, I suppose.
Birdman: I mean, how stupid the FCC is. Going berserk just because of a bearing of half a breast on live TV. This is not live if it were, it will be censored, yep, I can say bleep without getting censored.
Howard: What was that?
Birdman: Censorship gone mad.
Howard: Censorship has gone fucking mad!
Birdman: Right on!
Howard: We need to fight the good fight!
Birdman: The very good fight!
Howard: The fight so bleeping good! That you and me Birdman, won't get censored no more!
Birdman: Hey, FCC...go crazy over this!
Birdman pulls his pants down, and shows a blurred penis.
Birdman: Huh?
Howard: What was that?
Birdman: Censorship gone worse.
Howard: Censorship is so stupid.
Birdman: Yeah, totally.
Peanut: You know something? I feel this show will get cancelled.
Birdman: Yeah, right!
Phil: Ha, ha. Denial.
Birdman: Well, they've aired 3 episodes so far. That's good.
Peanut: They should really cancel "Tom Goes to the Mayor".
Birdman: Hey, Bob Odenkirk is on this show next week! Well, not next week, the week after.
Peanut: Because of Valentine's Day.
Birdman: Yeah.
Phil: Ha, ha.
Birdman: I like this, me and Howard...talking about censorship and how crazy it has gotten.
Howard: Yep.
Birdman: Love it man.
Howard: Animated character and a real character.
Birdman: Love.
Howard: And me and Birdman will rule the FCC!
Birdman: Love.
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: Yes, Avenger. I'll feed you "Eagle Snacks". Just wait.
Birdman walks out of frame. Cut to the News Alien.
News Alien: Space Ghost has arrested the culprit, Zorak Key. They say his from the Planet Zor and his parents were born in Iraqi. Meanwhile, Zorak Bashington calls: "Space Ghost stupid". No one knows why, but who cares?
Cut back to Birdman walking back to the set.
Birdman: I feed him.
Howard: Hi Birdie, your back.
Birdman: Yeah, but Avenger is so annoying...he made me suck his...
Howard: Cock?
Birdman: No, he doesn't like that! Eagle Snacks. Suck it, and then regurgitate it into his mouth.
Howard: But his an eagle?
Birdman: I know what he is; I brought him back in the 1967, when I decided to fight crime.
Howard: 1967, you're an old fuck aren't you?
Birdman: Yep.
Howard: Fuck, it feels good to say it, but God I hate it when the FCC likes to takeover and censor it!
Birdman: I mean, it's just a word.
Howard: Fuck yeah!
Birdman: Uh, I love you Howard Wings.
Howard: I'm Howard Stern.
Birdman: I know what I said.
Howard Wings: You can accomplish a lot Birdman, even for a happily-married, two children, and half gay man...you sure made a living for yourself.
Birdman: Yep.
Howard Wings: I know, and I don't love you.
Birdman: Ow. My heart broke.
Phil: Huh?
Peanut: What?
Birdman: I like pies, you like pies?
Peanut: I like pies.
Birdman: Shut up!
Howard: Pies are pretty good, never really had the stuff.
Birdman: There goes my heart!
Howard: Birdman's heart is broken.
Birdman: It is! I need a new one!
Howard & Birdman laugh.
Peanut: I like those Australian meat pies. Meat has a new friend, pie.
Birdman: Never really liked that. I like chocolate pie.
Peanut: Chocolate?
Birdman: Oh, yeah. Blue M&M, red M&M, yellow M&M and red M&M.
Peanut: You had red twice.
Birdman: I know what I said!
Howard: While we are talking about pies, chicken pies.
Birdman: Please don't say chicken pies.
Howard: Chicken! Chicken pies! Chicken!
Birdman starts sobbing.
Birdman: Avenger, cut to commercial.
Phil: We'll be ri...
Cut to the News Alien.
News Alien: Space Ghost has put Zorak Key to questioning; here we'll show you the video...live!
Cut to the black and white tape. Zorak Key appears in a same kind of outfit as Moltar.
Zorak Key: I wasn't there.
Space Ghost: Well, do you know Moltar?
Zorak Key: Yes, I'm his nephew. I'm only 9 years old!
Space Ghost: 9. Better excuse then that. Why are you so tall?
Zorak Key: Because, all poorly drawn kind of a molten man are born like this.
Space Ghost: Huh! I don't believe that!
Zorak Key: But!
Space Ghost: You're under arrest for terrorism!
Zorak Key: But I didn't do it!
Space Ghost: Tell that to Judge Mightor when we get to court!
Cut to commercial. Cut back to the News Alien.
News Alien: Oh, what was that?
Bob: Sorry, early cut.
News Alien: Now back to Birdman before he gets pissed off at us.
Cut back to Birdman.
Birdman: Our next guest is a cartoonist; he has created "The Ren & Stimpy Show", "The Ripping Friends" & "Ren & Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon". Here's Johnny!
Cut to a memoriam reading: "Dedicated to the memory of Johnny Carson", then back to the show.
John: Hello Birdman.
Birdman: That was quick Johnny.
John: Please, call me John.
Birdman: John. John Becker, John Zoidberg, John from "Days of Our Lives". So on and so forth.
John: Yeah. I hear you used to be a superhero.
Birdman: Yep. Back in the glorious decade of the '60s.
Cut a clip. Phil is on the screen.
Phil: It's about to you, Birdman to stop this menace.
Cut to Birdman in the air talking to Avenger.
Birdman: Stay here, Avenger. I might need you.
Cut back to present.
Birdman: Those were the days. What was up with our voices back then?
Peanut: I don't know.
Birdman: I mean, now I sound like the guy who played the dad in that 1995 Brady Bunch movie.
Peanut: Speaking of 1995 wasn't that when we taped that second pilot.
Birdman: Yeah. We filmed the first one the year before that. After Space Ghost rehearsed the series premiere on April 13th, 1994...well, he wanted more money, so they hired me. We rehearsed it all over again on April 14th 1994; Bob fired me...and decided to stop the production of the show, until Space Ghost came back 5 seconds before the show was supposed to be on, so they taped it live.
John: That's a long story.
Birdman: I know.
Peanut: Pretty long, the story of Birdman began in 1967 when Bob was looking for someone to star in there own show...Birdman got hired. After the show got cancelled in 1968, he became a hobo...no one noticed it, was so until he had the opportunity to star in his own show again in 1994. It didn't work out, so he became a hobo again, his wife Sylvia divorced him, and then turned to drugs, he then went to rehab and hit the bottle. He got his own show this year, finally.
John: Another long story.
Birdman: I was born on February 7th, 1942.
Pause.
Birdman: Hey! Today is my 61st birthday!
John: Happy birthday!
Peanut: Yeah, who cares?
Birdman: Me.
Birdman drinks beer, then snorts cocaine up his nose.
Peanut: BIRDMAN!
Birdman: No, Peanut...here's you do it. Ahem! BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Peanut: Whatever.
Birdman: What ever do you mean?
Peanut: I was born on September 10th 1967, they gave me aging enhancement drugs to look like a teenager and talk like a teenager.
Phil: While we are discussing birthdays, I was born on January 1st 1921. Ha, ha. I'm old.
John: What about me?
Birdman: Yes, what about you?
John: It isn't fair.
Birdman: What.
John: All my shows got cancelled.
Birdman: I know how that can feel.
Cut to Birdman walking over to his chair, Bob walks over.
Bob: Birdman, CBS loves your show!
Birdman: It's getting renewed?
Bob: Nnnnnno.
Birdman: Say it but slower.
Bob: No.
Birdman: What!
Bob: No.
Birdman: Huh?
Bob: No.
Birdman: I know what you said! I'm just shocked.
Cut back to the present.
Birdman: Oh well, it's time for that idiotic mailbag thingy-ma-bob with Reducto Short.
Cut to Reducto.
Reducto: Oh Birdman, just tell everyone my last name! They might as well know my real name is Martin!
Birdman: Martin? Short? Makes sense.
Reducto: Our first letter is from that newscaster guy. "To Reducto, tell Birdman that after you read the letters, we'll air live footage of the Zorak Key trial." Oh well...okay, next letter is from Zorak Bashington: "To Martin Short, this is for the idiot Space Ghost, you've got the wrong person, but I bet you won't find me!". Okay, that's odd our next letter is from Moltar Molten: "To Zorak, you are right Space Ghost is so stupid. He got my nephew who is named after you". Okay, that's all...
Cut to the News Alien.
News Alien: We now go live to the trial.
Cut to the courtroom. Zorak Key is in the witness box.
Judge Mightor: State your first name, your last name, and occupation.
Zorak Key: Zorak & Key & student.
Judge Mightor: Last time I checked, being a student is not a job.
Dr. Nightmare walks up.
Dr. Nightmare: So Mr. Key, you claimed you weren't at Ghost Planet Beach when the act of terrorism was committed.
Zorak Key: Yes.
Dr. Nightmare: The nuclear mega bomb was denoted at 9:59pm, but my client wasn't at the beach until 10:00pm. Which means, my client Zorak Moltar Key, is not guilty!
Aveturro steps up.
Aveturro: Up 'jection.
Judge Mightor: Sustained.
Dr. Nightmare: Thank you, your honour. My client Mr. Key was at home preparing to watch Birdman Coast to Coast, but when he saw news coverage...he went to Ghost Planet Beach.
Judge Mightor: I hate that Birdbreath Coast to Coast.
Dr. Nightmare: Which was when that jillion people were killed. My client is only 9 years old, so how would he be able to denote the bomb.
Aveturro: Up 'jection! His client could have easily pressed the "denote" button.
Judge Mightor: Taken to the record.
Dr. Nightmare: Why am I working at 10:16 at night?
Judge Mightor: Because you just are!
Dr. Nightmare: Taken to mind.
Cut to News Alien.
News Alien: Some trouble with the live broadband video stream, we'll get back to it after this...Birdman segment.
Cut back to Birdman.
Birdman: Since we didn't have the "Ask the Big Banana" last week, we will have 2 "Ask the Big Bananas" this week to make up for the lost time.
Cut to the screen reading: "Ask the Big Banana".
Phil: Ask the Big Banana! Ha, ha.
Cut to Birdman in a banana suit in a public street.
Birdman: ASK THE BIG BANANA! ASK THE BIG BANANA! ASK THE BIG BANANA! (A woman in a scarf walks up to him) Say, ask the big banana.
Woman: Big Banana? I suck on a big banana at home.
Woman leaves.
Birdman: Really funny! You mean COCK right?
A man with glasses walks up to him.
Birdman: Say, four-eyes...ask the big banana.
Man: Fuck off.
Man leaves.
A cheerleader walks up to him.
Birdman: The big banana wants you!
Cheerleader: No way!
Birdman: Hey, stay there. I want to...rape you.
Cut to a hotel. Birdman and the cheerleader on in bed.
Cheerleader: HELP! Hey, that's a big banana. Heh, heh.
Cheerleader starts sucking on it.
Birdman: That's hot! I now want to suck your titties.
Birdman strips the cheerleader and sits sucking her tits.
Cheerleader: BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
The bed now starts bouncing up and down. Back to the set.
Peanut: Can you show that sort of stuff?
Birdman: Hey, I just did.
Phil: Well, that was...hot.
Phil has an erection, as his penis then sticks out his pants.
Birdman: Well, Phil is now officially a dirty old man.
Phil: Ha, ha. Dick.
Cut back to the set.
John: I wish I could get away with that sort of stuff on the adult version of Ren & Stimpy.
Birdman: Ren & Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon.
John: That's right. There was this episode where there was basically this naked chick. There was so much nudity; the FCC wouldn't allow Spike TV to air it.
Birdman: That's just sad.
John: Pfft, I agree.
Birdman: And it was supposed to be for adults. That's why there is the word "Adult" in the title. If it was for kids it would've had "Kid".
John: Some guys you just can't reason with.
Birdman: Has that episode aired yet?
John: Nope. It was supposed to air back in 2003.
Birdman: How said.
Bob: Guys, we're going to air news thing again, so be prepared.
Birdman: I'm so sick of that! Can't they just air my show in peace!
John: Seems not.
Cut to the News Alien guy.
News Alien: News just in...
Birdman pushes the screen.
Birdman: ...Birdman's pissed off!
Peanut: You got your show back.
Birdman: The culprit is Zorak Bashington, his hiding in my studio.
Zorak: Hey!
Birdman: And I'm going to destroy him!
Birdman blasts Zorak.
Birdman: I'm so pissed off at that news thing! They wouldn't like me when I'm angry!
Birdman transforms into a The Incredible Hulk-type person as he goes on a rampage.
Peanut: Bad talk show host!
Birdman destroys the music desk.
Peanut: Oh no.
Phil: We'll be right back.
Birdman punches Phil.
Phil: Ha, ha. He punched me.
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to the set.
Peanut: It's weird how he went crazy all of a sudden.
Phil: Ha, ha. I'm nuts. My nuts.
Peanut: Where is he now?
Cut to Birdman climbing a tall building with the cheerleader in his left hand ala King Kong.
Birdman: ME BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN! ME ANGRY!
Cyclo: Get him.
The police start shooting at him.
Birdman: YOU CANNOT HARM THE BIRDMAN!
Cheerleader: HELP!
Birdman: SHUT UP!
Cheerleader: Sorry.
Birdman: WHAT!
Cut to Peanut in Birdman's place.
Peanut: Hello John.
John: Hi.
Peanut: Well, you have to leave now. We have to squeeze in one more guest.
John: Really?
Peanut: Yeah, pretty much.
John: Well see you Pe...
Cut to the News Alien.
News Alien: We are now back in this news coverage, the REAL terrorist has been found dead in the Birdman Coast to Coast studio. Birdman killed him on the show just before commercial. We are now going to arrest him and the dead mantis. Zorak Key has been released from Spacecatraz.
Cut to Cyclo.
Cyclo: The individual Zorak Key has been released upon evidence showing that Zorak Bashington was the terrorist behind this craziness.
Pause.
Cyclo: I used to be a prisoner here.
Cut back to the set.
Peanut: Now I know how Harvey feels.
Phil: I'm wearing new stylish disco pants.
Phil is wearing shiny pants which look like a disco ball.
Phil: My old pants tore.
Peanut: I know, I was there.
Phil: You see, these pants have the comfort and style of a disco ball. Ha, ha. Doesn't make any sense.
Peanut: Where's Simon?
Phil: Avenger said he wasn't there yet.
Avenger: COR!
Phil: Off judging the next American Idol.
Simon Cowell appears on the screen.
Peanut: Simon!
Simon: Space Ghost?
Peanut: Peanut.
Simon: Birdman?
Peanut: Peanut!
Simon: What is this: "The Peanut Show"?
Peanut: Actually it is.
Phil: Ha, ha. Liar.
Peanut: I am not a liar.
Phil: It's Birdman Coast to Coast.
Peanut: Yes it is. But Birdman is gone.
Cut to Birdman destroying downtown. Cut back to the set.
Phil: MUSIC CONTEST!
Simon: Oh, no.
Cut to a karaoke stage. Phil is in a stylish disco shirt (unbuttoned) and his disco pants.
Phil: I want to make love to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
Simon: Next.
Cut to Peanut in a Peanut costume.
Peanut: I love peanuts, peanuts rule. Peanut is my name, and don't wear it out. You can squash me and spread me and stuff! I'm a delicious little peanut.
Simon: Oh, God. Next.
Cut to Brak.
Brak: Hello, I name is Brak Bashington and I'm here to say, if you want to brake...call Brak! He knows how, his only 16 years old! I went to jail and stuff; I became dumb when I fell out of the Ghost Planet Studios! That is my story!
Simon: Oh, please...no.
Cut to a chained-up Zorak.
Zorak :(same singing voice from "The Brak Show"): I hate life! I hate life, so very much! I...tried to kill Space Ghost, but he regenerated! That's what you get!
Simon: Much better then these beanbags.
Sound clip of audience clapping.
Zorak:(normal voice): Thank you! Thank you!
Zorak rushes off.
Space Ghost: I'll get you, Zor-ak!
Space Ghost rushes off.
Cut to normal set.
Simon: That was random.
Peanut: I agree.
Phil: Will I be the next American Idol?
Simon: Read my lips. No.
Peanut: I know I won't.
Simon: Where is this Birdman anyway?
Peanut: Oh, his destroying downtown.
Simon: What a hulk.
Peanut: You'd be pleasantly surprised when you see him.
Cut to Birdman destroying downtown.
Birdman: ME BIRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Birdman shrinks to normal size as the cheerleader falls to her death.
Birdman: Oh crap.
Before falling, he flies up and flies down.
Birdman: There, I'm not dead like that cheerleader.
Cyclo comes up to him and arrests him. Cut to the "Ask the Big Banana" segment.
Phil: Guess what time it is? Ask the Big Banana time!
Cut to Birdman in a banana suit on the street.
Birdman: Eh, ask the big banana. Ask it anything.
A teenager walks up to him.
Teenager: I'll ask you something! Can you suck on your own balls!
Birdman: Sure I can.
Birdman goes down and down, cut to the shocked teenager's face.
Teenager: SICK!
The teenager runs off.
Birdman: What I do for people.
Master Shake hobbles up to him.
Master Shake: Hello Mr. Birdman.
Birdman: Shake.
Master Shake: I see, you stole an idea from Space Ghost, didn't you?
Birdman: Yep.
Master Shake: I was on one episode!
Master Shake kicks (or whatever he would do) in Birdman's nuts as Birdman goes down.
Birdman: My balls! And I just sucked on them!
Space Ghost walks up to him.
Space Ghost: Have you seen Zorak, anywhere?
Birdman: I don't know.
Space Ghost blasts Birdman.
Space Ghost: Thanks for being helpful! NOT!
Space Ghost walks off.
Birdman: I just made up a theme song...ahem! I am the big banana. Come on up and ask me stuff! I'm a terrible singer and stuff, put please don't be so rough. I'm so of all those accusations, I just wish I was free.
A man walks up and dumps 10 dollars in the suit.
Man: Go buy something.
Birdman: Okay.
Cut to prison. It is revealed Birdman is watching it.
Birdman: Uh, I hate this.
Cyclo: Shut up! You have the right to a free call.
Birdman is on the phone.
Receptionist: You have rung Birdman Coast to Coast studios; the show is currently on the air. If you want them to cut to a news break, press one, if you want to just wait, press two, if you just want to hang up, press three. Choose now.
Birdman presses: "One".
Receptionist: You have chosen, free head job, if you want all sexual positions, press one, if you want a Hot Karl, press two, if you want a Red Rocket, press three. Choose now.
Birdman presses: "One".
Receptionist: You have chosen, cut to a news break. The following show is now in "news break" mode. The following person you will hear will be: "Peanut".
Peanut: Hi, who is this?
Birdman: Since when if you chose one, you'll be given choices for head jobs?
Peanut: Oh, our show is sponsored by a phone sex line. Say, what do you want?
Birdman: I'm in jail.
Peanut: Figures. I suppose, you want me to bail you out then.
Birdman: Yep.
Birdman hangs up. Cut to the "Spacecatraz" prison. Peanut, Phil & Avenger walk in.
Birdman: Thank you guys! I had a total breakdown and they arrested him for it.
Peanut: Here's the 10 bucks for you to pay off.
Birdman: Thank you! Say, Cyclo! Here's the money.
Cyclo grabs the money.
Cyclo: Very good, you can be free now.
Cyclo opens the prison and Birdman walks out.
Phil: Wait, I thought you got 10 bucks because when you were in the banana suit, because it looked like you were a homeless person.
Birdman: I spent it...on hookers.
Peanut: That's my Birdie.
Birdman: Thanks for letting me go! I really needed that.
Cyclo: No problem.
Cyclo leaves.
Birdman: Where's Simon Cowell?
Peanut: Oh shit!
Cut back to the set.
Simon Cowell: Hello?
Cut to outer view.
Simon Cowell: Worst show ever.
End credits.