Birdman Coast to Coast
Gunfire n' Stuff
Cut to Jellystone Park. Phil & Birdman walk with guns to find P.E.T.A. protesting.
Birdman: Wait? Why are there protesters here?
Phil: Listen, Birdman I didn't bring you here just because it's bear season.
Cut to Yogi Bear's cave.
Yogi: Say Boo Boo, it's bear season. We better hide, because I'm smarter then the average bear! Heh, heh.
Boo Boo: I don't know Yogi, we have a cave, but what happens if the N.R.A. comes?
Yogi: Don't worry my little chump. Yogi will save the day.
The N.R.A. comes and starts shooting them both. Cut back to Phil & Birdman.
Birdman: Huh? So it isn't bear season?
Phil: It's bear season, but it's also bird season.
Birdman: Bear season!
Phil: Bird season!
Birdman: Bear season!
Phil: Bird season!
Birdman: Bear season!
Phil: Bear season.
Birdman: Bird season! SHOOT ME!
Birdman grabs his gun and shoots himself in the face.
Birdman: Ow.
Phil: The group G.U.N. is protesting against the use of guns in this bear and bird seasons.
Birdman: What's G.U.N. stand for?
Phil: Gumbos United to stop use of Narcotics and weapons.
Birdman: Huh.
Phil: Yes, why. I can't have cocaine without some guy from G.U.N. burning it, I just sniff it anyway. Ha, ha...hippies.
Birdman: So what's the point of all this, Phil?
Phil: Listen Birdman, I'm an ordinary person...but, those dumb ass liberals need to learn that because of guns, Saddam said "Please, don't shoot". Ha, ha...beard. Gun control issues are now and never Birdman, that's why I personally cut off our sponsorship deal with that phone sex company and got a sponsorship deal from Gunfire n' Stuff, the gun store in New Orleans.
Birdman: What? You cut off the deal!
Phil: Yes Birdman, but I had to do it.
Birdman: Oh, crap. I fear something is going to happen.
Cut to the set. The place is filled up guns and other weapons and has four signs reading: "Go to Gunfire n' Stuff, Today!". A guy walks over to Birdman.
Guy: Hello, my name is Bill; I now run your show. Bob got fired.
Birdman: Poor Bob.
Cut to Bob crying in his house.
Bob: Why?
Cut back to the set.
Bill: So, I'm going to make a few changes. Number 1, always mention my gun store after and before every commercial.
Birdman: Yep.
Bill: Also recommend my store to the celebrities on your show.
Birdman: I know.
Bill: Also, please...please change your name to Jay Leno the second, Birdman is such a turnoff.
Birdman: Why, Jay Leno the second?
Bill: Because, people like Jay Leno, actually people like Conan O'Brien better. Conan O'Brien the second.
Birdman: Oh, God.
Bill: Peanut.
Cut to Peanut in a Rambo-style outfit, with a flamethrower.
Bill: Okay, you're good. Phil?
Cut to Phil with a gun through his chest.
Bill: That's what I like to see. Now let's make the best God 'dang show, ever! Avenger...
Cut to Avenger with a James Bond style outfit, with a pistol.
Bill: Roll the credits, okay bud.
Avenger: Cor.
Bill: That's what I like to see.
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight, on Conan O'Brien the Second Coast to Coast, star of the blunder "Tom Goes to the Mayor", Bob Odenkirk. Gangsta' rapper 50 Cent and comedian Lewis Black. After, the show, go to the Gunfire n' Stuff located in New Orleans, ha...ha.
Cut to the set. Birdman walks in his "lawyer" suit.
Birdman: Hello, I'm, eh...Conan O'Brien the second.
Peanut: And I'm, Max Weinberg the second.
Birdman: Has anyone read the newspaper, lately?
Peanut: Nope.
Birdman: It appears my, eh...father, Conan O'Brien is going to host the Tonight Show after Jay Leno retires.
Peanut: Uh, Conan...that's old news.
Birdman: I hope he keeps his...his...his...
Bill: Crudeness, crudeness!
Birdman: Crudeness.
Bill: That was close.
Birdman: Because if he doesn't, he'd be as boring as David Letterman!
Pause.
Birdman: God, I hate these new writers!
Bill: Conan.
Birdman: IT'S BIRDMAN! NOT CONAN! BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Peanut: Whatever you say, Conan.
Bill: Avenger, cut.
Avenger: Cor.
Birdman: I just don't get it how I have to be called "Conan".
Bill: Well, that's thing. I told you before the show, that the name "Birdman" is a turn-off. Also, lay off the oral sex jokes, okay?
Birdman: Okay.
Bill: Remember, you're Conan O'Brien the second.
Birdman: Conan O'Brien the second. Got it.
Bill: Okay, are we buddies?
Birdman: Oh, okay.
Bill: Send in the first guest, Avenger.
Cut to the TV which reveals Bob Odenkirk.
Bob: Hello, Birdman.
Birdman: It's Conan.
Bob: Birdman, Conan, whatever.
Birdman: How do you like your show? Tom Goes to the Mayor.
Bob: Well, I know a lot of people hate it, but I love it personally. Tom & Eric are two very unexperienced people, yet so talented.
Birdman: Talented as me?
Bob: Yeah, I suppose. Conan.
Birdman: You should go to the Gunfire n' Stuff store after the show!
Bob: Guns, oh no, I don't want to get involved with guns.
Birdman: C'mon, please...we've sponsored by that store, and if you don't agree, then my name is Conan O'Brien the second.
Bob: No, I don't support guns in anyway.
Birdman: Stupid aging hippie liberal douche.
Bob: I'm not aging, I'm actually pretty young.
Birdman: Oh, how am I supposed to know that?
Bob laughs.
Birdman: You still friends with David Cross?
Bob: Oh, yeah. Me and David are still pretty close, especially after the Mr. Show thing we did way back.
Birdman: Mr. Show?
Bob: Oh yeah, it's this thing...way back. His even guest starred in a recent episode of Tom Goes to the Mayor we did.
Birdman: His joined the list.
Bob: Me, Jack Black, Kyle Gass.
Birdman: Patton Oswait, Jeff Golblum.
Bob: Yeah, some more.
Birdman: Oh yeah.
Bill: Go back to the subject of the guns.
Birdman: No.
Bill: Yes.
Birdman: No.
Bill: Yes.
Birdman: Yes.
Bill: No, I mean...ugh!
Bob: What about the guns?
Birdman: Our sponsor, Gunfire n' Stuff is taking over MY show, that I rightfully earned.
Bob: So...
Birdman: I went through pregnancies, drugs, alcohol, rehab, hobo life, Space Ghost, the POLICE, court, lawyer school & now this bull crap!
Bob: This show is bull crap?
Birdman: NO! These sponsors are ruining it by...
Peanut shoots Birdman.
Bill: Thank you, Max.
Peanut: Bill.
Bill: Well, there is now the case of finding a host.
Birdman comes back alive.
Birdman: Hi.
Bill, Phil & Peanut: UGH!
Avenger: Cor.
Bill: You came back alive!
Birdman: I know. I have 10 lives. I know have 9 left.
Phil: Ha, ha. You scared me.
Birdman: I know, aren't I great?
Peanut: No, you're not Conan.
Birdman: Sorry.
Bill: You know what you should do Birdman? Opening monologues.
Birdman: I already did that.
Bob: So...
Birdman: Yes, Bob.
Bob (the director): What?
Birdman: Not you Bob, that Bob.
Bob (the director): Oh, sorry.
Bob (the director) leaves.
Bill: How could you already have done a opening monologue? It wasn't that funny.
Birdman: OKAY! I'll do a friggin' CLOSING monologue.
Bill: No such thing.
Birdman: Who cares?
Bill: Me.
Birdman: You think, you're so f...
Cut to a man in a pub.
Man: I, reckon, I'm pretty good.
The bartender gets a gun and shoots him.
Man #2: You okay, Jake.
Man #3: C'mon Jake, let's go to Gunfire n' Stuff.
Cut to the Gunfire n' Stuff store.
Announcer: Go to Gunfire n' Stuff, with our friendly service.
Cut to a person with a shotgun kicking the three men out.
Person: If you don't like it! You can just GET out!
Announcer: Our great guns.
Cut to a picture of all the guns in the store.
Announcer: And since it's almost Easter, in a month or so, or whatever...we'll throw in a 99 percent off deal! That's just so great, we're going to vomit!
Cut to a live action clip of little kids vomiting from the movie "Little Nicky". Cut back to the store.
Announcer: Go to Gunfire n' Stuff. Now, we'll throw in free gun insurance.
Cut to the set.
Bill: Okay, got out all your angry-s.
Birdman: No.
Bill: Oh, that's too bad.
Birdman: WHY! WHY IS IT SOOOOOOO BAD! HUH? HUH? HUH!
Bill: Because our next guest is "gangsta rapper" 50 Cent.
Birdman: I suppose Bob "Thinks a dumb show is funny" Odenkirk is leaving now.
Bill: Yeah.
Bob: See you Conan.
Birdman: Yeah, go to Hell.
Bob: Conan! Be nice to the guest!
Birdman: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just sooooooo sorry.
Bob: Don't be so sarcastic.
Birdman: I can be as sarcastic as I like! Okay, buddy! Huh? Okay.
Phil rushes in.
Phil: We'll be right back.
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the set.
Birdman: His still here, isn't he?
Peanut: Yep.
Birdman: Go now, Mr. Show.
Bob gets out of his chair and walks off; Brak comes in and sits down.
Birdman: Oh no.
Brak: Hi! My name is Brak.
Birdman: I know.
Brak: I like my Atari!
Birdman: AVENGER! AVENGER! AVVVVVVVENGER!
Cut to Avenger on the beach with bikini-clad women. Cut back to the set.
Brak: I like you Birdman!
Bill: Love! He appeals to the 2-11 demographic!
Birdman: But this show isn't for kids! Why do you reckon it's on at 10:00pm!
Bill: But his so cute and dumb. Just like a cat.
Birdman: His a space cat.
Space Ghost flies through.
Space Ghost: SPPPPPPACE GHOST!
Bill: Well, that explains it.
Birdman: Uh, get him out of here.
Cut to security guards grabbing Brak off.
Brak: Hi! My name is Brak! What's your?
Security Guard #1: My name is "shut the Hell up".
Security Guard #2: Yeah, shut the Hell up.
Birdman: That's good.
Peanut: But where's Avenger?
Cut to Avenger on the beach with bikini-clad women. Cut back to the set.
Birdman: Oh man, isn't it hot in here?
Peanut: Well, we are on the Sun.
Birdman: Oh, yeah.
Bill: Where's 50 Cent?
Birdman: You mean "Curtis Jackson"?
Bill: Yeah, whatever.
Birdman: Next week, we'll get Erik Estrada, okay?
Bill: Well, he will fit in our budget.
Birdman: Now we have budget cuts?
Bill: Well, so far you've had three lawsuits, from Lokar, Ted Turner & a cheerleader.
Birdman: So what?
Bill: And you killed Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Sam Waterson.
Birdman: Those were all accidents.
Bill: Yeah, right.
Birdman: Oh, yeah right to you too.
Bill: We now have to slash the budget of the two segments, that mailbag thing and "Ask the Big Banana", there's a sex joke in there. I said lay off the sex jokes!
Birdman: You said ORAL sex jokes!
Bill: Oh, yeah...right. Sorry.
Birdman: Huh, let's just get 50 Cent in here.
Pause.
Birdman: Why isn't he in here!
Bill: Avenger is gone, his filming an ad for my store.
Birdman: Oh, Pe...I mean Max.
Peanut: No.
Phil: No.
Reducto: No.
Aveturro: No.
Spyro: No.
Judge Mightor: No.
Mentok: N-no. Yes! Mindtaking!
Droopy: No.
Gigi: No.
Birdman: Okay, I'll do it then.
Birdman tries to reach forwards, but is failing.
Birdman: Must, reach...control room.
Birdman tries to squeeze out, but destroys the desk and flies off into the control room and pushes down the lever and flies back to the destroyed desk.
Birdman: C'mon 50 Cent.
50 Cent: Yo, Birrrrrrrrrrrrrrdman.
Birdman: Birdman? What, Birdman?
50 Cent: It's your name, brother.
Birdman: You mean Conan.
50 Cent: Conan? I dig that.
Birdman: Yeah, Conan.
50 Cent: 1995 that was the year...
Birdman: 1995 was also the year I filmed the second pilot.
50 Cent: I know, that's why I said it.
Birdman: Oh, so you're a stalker.
50 Cent: No, I ain't man.
Birdman: Oh, so you are. What's my last name?
50 Cent: O'Brien?
Birdman: See! You know too much!
50 Cent: I'm a fan of you, bro.
Birdman: Brother.
50 Cent: Brother.
Birdman: Respect.
50 Cent: Deception.
Birdman: Anger.
50 Cent: Obsession.
Birdman: Calvin Cline.
50 Cent: You heard of Space Ghost?
Birdman: Yes, him...and his voice.
50 Cent laughs.
Birdman: I like my 50 cents now, thanks.
50 Cent: No, that's just my name.
Birdman: Your, nickname? I assume.
50 Cent: Yes, my artist name.
Birdman: You sing the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song don't you?
50 Cent: No, I haven't even heard of it.
Birdman: Oh right, it's "Schoolly D" isn't it?
50 Cent: Yeah, I suppose.
Birdman: Are you my friend?
50 Cent: Yeah, you're my brother, bro!
Birdman: Yeah.
50 Cent: Ever heard of "Slim Shady Records"?
Birdman: Uh, I think so.
50 Cent: Yeah, that's my record label.
Birdman: Your record label?
50 Cent: Yeah, the record company that produces my songs.
Birdman: A...song producer? Now I have heard of everything?
50 Cent: Oh, man...I have also recently guest-starred on The Simpsons in an episode called: "Pranksta Rap".
Birdman: I like The Simpsons; I don't get how they are yellow though.
50 Cent: Me either.
Birdman: I have to get Matt Groening on the show soon to explain that. How about next week?
50 Cent: Yeah, I suppose.
Birdman: Erik Estrada and Matt Groening? Latino with white, stupid with brawn, CHiPs with The Simpsons. It will be a heck of a night next week!
50 Cent: Yeah, I suppose.
Birdman: That's the second time, you've said that!
50 Cent: Oh, f...
Cut to Avenger on the beach.
Woman #1: Are you this bird?
People: Huh?
Women #2: Then, you need a gun!
Singers: Get a gun, for your hun, get a gun, for some fun, get a gun, because they are...interesting.
Announcer: Gun n' Stuff does not hold any responsibility for injury, illness or bullet in the eye or leg.
Singer: Interesting.
Avenger shoots one of the women. The women stare, and then laugh. Cut back to the set.
50 Cent: What was that about?
Bill: I'm trying to make this a family-friendly show!
Birdman: Family friendly! Two words, oral sex!
Bill: No don't!
Birdman: Oh okay, because if I do it one more time, I'll be gay.
50 Cent: Or wanksta'.
Birdman: A wanker? You calling ME a wanker?
50 Cent: That's what I call Ja Rule.
Birdman: Now I'm black!
50 Cent: I didn't say that!
Birdman: You've gone too far! Curtis Jackson!
Birdman blasts the screen, as it disrupts the transmission.
Bill: You idiot! Now we're got another celebrity death on our hands!
Peanut: Yeah, idiot.
Phil: Ha, ha.
Birdman: That's it! I'm changing back to my normal suit!
Birdman goes in the closet and changes and comes back out.
Birdman: I've come out of the closet!
Peanut: Really?
Phil: Ha! Ha! Gay.
Birdman: You calling me, gay?
Birdman blasts Phil.
Bill: That's too far, Conan!
Birdman: It's not Conan! It's Birdman!
Bill: Yeah, well...you're fired!
Birdman: No, you can't fire me...because I quit!
Birdman flies off. Phil comes in, crisped.
Phil: We'll be right...back. Ow.
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to set.
Bill: Now guys, we need to find a new host, so Peanut...I mean Max.
Peanut: Yeah.
Bill: Can you fill in for Conan until I find a suitable substitute.
Peanut: Sure. Who's our next guest?
Bill: Lewis Black.
Bill walks off.
Bill: See you.
Peanut walks over to the desk and the television then reveals Lewis.
Peanut: Hello Mr. Black.
Lewis: Hello...
Peanut: Max...Weinberg the second.
Sound clip of a whip.
Lewis: So, hello Max.
Peanut: Hello Lewis.
Lewis: How's everyone on your end?
Peanut: Oh fine.
Lewis: I'm pretty good.
Cut to Bill looking around.
Bill: Must find host, must find host.
Bill looks at Spyro.
Spyro: What are you looking at?
Bill: The new host for Conan O'Brien the Second Coast to Coast!
Spyro: Read my lips. No.
Bill walks off and sees Reducto.
Bill: Reducto!
Reducto: I already work for you.
Cut to a man in a banana suit.
Banana: Hello! Ask me, something! I know it all.
Bill: Would you like to be my new host?
Banana: N-o.
Cut to Birdman in a bar.
Bartender: Come on, it's closing time!
Birdman: It's only 10:24pm!
Bartender: Get out of here you drunk! Get out! You scumbag!
Birdman goes outside in the rain; he starts vomiting, he then continues vomiting, then still vomiting, and still vomiting and finally stops, and puts his face down of the river of vomit. Cut back to the set.
Bill: I got a new host!
Peanut: Only after, one minute.
Bill: Well, it's that guy, that space cat.
Peanut: Brak?
Bill: That's it! I've got "Brak" to host the show, Brak Coast to Coast. Although his "new" name is Jimmy Kimmel the second.
Brak goes in.
Brak: Hi, my name is Jimmy!
Lewis: Hello, Jimmy.
Bill: Isn't he great?
Brak: I'm great baby!
Bill: Get out of the desk, Max.
Peanut walks out as Brak takes the spot.
Brak: Hello Lewis, my name is Jimmy!
Lewis: Hello, Jimmy.
Brak: Say, aren't you a comedian?
Lewis: Yes, I am.
Brak: I wish I was a comedian...
Cut to Brak on stage.
Brak: Hello, my name is Jimmy...and I like to say, thank you to my Mom and Dad!
Cut to Brak's Mom & Dad.
Brak: And Sisto!
Cut to Sisto, as he farts.
Brak: And Zorak!
Cut to Zorak as he stares.
Zorak: Jerk.
Cut to Brak.
Brak: Let's see, who's heard...of Space Ghost? Anyone, anyone, at all?
Cut to the bartender.
Bartender: I have!
Brak: Let's see...
Cut back to the set.
Lewis: Jimmy? Jimmy?
Brak: Yes, Lewis.
Lewis: I sure look your hair.
Brak: Oh the barbers over at Ghost Planet are great, that's where I work and live!
Lewis: Isn't that nice.
Brak: You know, I like you...Lewis, buddy.
Lewis: Well, thank you.
Brak: I'm going to sing my happy song.
Brak walks over to a stage light.
Brak:(singing): I love my happy Lewis Bllllllllack! Happy is the new word for happy, buddy. This is my happy song. My happy song! My happy song! I love me happy song! I love, it buddy!
Sound clip of audience clapping.
Brak: Thank you, every buddy!
Lewis: Thank you, Jimmy.
Brak: Actually, my name is Brak.
Bill: No, it's not.
Brak: Yes it is.
Bill: Okay it is, then.
Peanut: Can my name be ordinary Peanut?
Bill: No.
Peanut: What a rip!
Phil: Ha, ha. I love guns.
Phil shoots Tansut.
Tansut: Poor, poor Tansut.
Cut to Birdman at a house with a couple.
Birdman: And this house is a great experience.
Lady: I agree it looks nice, but I heard all the previous owners got killed in here, say something about a "stalker burial".
Man: Yes, I don't want my sweetheart to get killed.
Birdman: She's a heart?
The couple leaves as the "boss" aka Fred Jones in a red blazer enters.
Fred: Listen, Harvey...you're fired.
Birdman: Again, being fired.
Birdman leaves. Cut to the studio.
Brak: You're my best-est buddy!
Lewis: Oh, yeah.
Bill: My show is getting killed in the ratings!
Cut to a screen with a red arrow plummeting down.
Bill: If it hits rock bottom, we'll get cancelled! I need one person, and his name is...
Cut to Birdman flying in.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Bill: Birdman! I mean Conan.
Birdman: I got fired from 10 jobs in less then 10 minutes. You see, I've learned something: The only reason people protest against guns is because they don't protect people, they harm more then protect, and it's about time we decided to use gun control, but with George W. Bush on our asses for 4 more years, that won't happen, because his a Republican. So, banning guns will be the way out of our worst enemy...the gun. That's why I joined "G.U.N.".
Pause.
Birdman: I also cut off the sponsorship deal with "Gunfire n' Stuff".
Phil: WHAT!
Peanut: Well, that's good...I suppose.
Bill: I know when I'm not wanted.
Bill leaves.
Birdman: Now, who's up for spreading the word of gun control?
Everyone leaves.
Birdman: Anybody?
Pause.
Birdman: C'mon! Anybody?
Zorak: Jerk!
End credits.