Birdman Coast to Coast
Avenger-Proof Security
Cut to Birdman, flying in the sky.
Narrator: Flying high like a pizza pie, just like you had too much wine, Birdman flies in the sky as it if he was high.
Birdman: Hey!
Narrator: Don't deny it! You tested A positive to crack at the Christmas party.
Birdman: That was six friggin' years ago!
Narrator: Oh, well...whatever. Don't listen to me.
Birdman continues flying, he sees Phil in the Phantom Cruiser with Space Ghost.
Birdman: Phil?
Space Ghost: Now don't ruin the seats, okay.
Phil: Ha, ha. I'm being Phil-napped.
Birdman blasts the Phantom Cruiser which explodes, Space Ghost flies out, down, down and more downer then ever before, until he hits concrete.
Space Ghost: I've hit the concrete planet!
Cut to Phil going down and down and down, he grabs his jet-pack and puts in on and flies back up.
Birdman: Phil? How can you survive the space pressure?
Phil: How can YOU?
Birdman: Eh, I'm a superhero.
Phil: I built an immunity.
Phil's head gets bigger; he sucks on his thumb and puts back to normal size.
Birdman: Where's Peanut?
Phil: On the Space bus.
Cut to Peanut on the space bus.
Tour Guide: And that's where Space Ghost filmed the 1999 63 minute film "To Die with a Space Ghost". It won a space award for best picture, best choreography, best director "Moltar Molten" and best actor "Space Ghost" and shortest film to be released. Also best film of the year, by one vote.
Peanut: Wow!
Peanut takes a picture.
Tour Guide: Also, the film was released in all the theatres in every single planet and universe except Earth, because Space Ghost isn't well know there except for his old action/adventure show, talk show & variety show and has filmed a pilot for a panel discussion show.
Birdman and Phil fly into the studio walk in and see the place is a mess.
Birdman: What happened?
Phil: I agree, what did happen?
Birdman: This place is going to be a mess when I interview Matt Groening & Stephen Colbert, also Moltar himself.
Phil: That guys lives in lava.
Peanut walks in.
Peanut: Hi guys...AGH! What happened?
Birdman: Someone broke into the studios!
Phil: Time to install the colour-coding threat levels, and put it up to "Blackwatch Plaid".
Birdman: I agree!
Avenger flies in.
Birdman: Avenger, go outside and keep an eye out on burglars! Okay, bud.
Avenger flies out again.
Birdman: I need a baseball bat!
Birdman grabs a metal baseball bat.
Birdman: It'll be easy to hit he, she or it in the balls.
Phil: Girls don't have balls.
Birdman: Uh, I suppose. There nutcracker then!
Peanut: Prepare for the show.
Birdman: I'll order the security stuff!
Phil walks all the way to the announcer booth.
Peanut: Roll, Avenger!
Cut to Moltar in the control room.
Moltar: I've got it.
Moltar pushes a lever.
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, head leader of the Simpsons Mega Empire of merchandise and DVDs and junk, Matt Groening, then comedian Stephen Colbert, and for some reason...Moltar! His already the replacement director...so what? Ha, ha...confusion. Here's...
Cut to the set.
Peanut: Where's Harvey?
Moltar: Eh, on a wing and a prayer.
Cut to Birdman on the phone.
Birdman: Okay, send it over. C'mon. C'mon. Oh. YES!
Birdman hangs up.
Peanut: HARVEY!
Birdman: Oh crap!
Birdman tries to fly, but hits the ground.
Birdman: My CREST!
Birdman sees his crest is gone.
Birdman: The source of my power is gone!
Birdman walks.
Birdman: Walking ain't so bad.
Cut to a very far away: "Birdman Set" door.
Birdman: Oh!
Cut back to the set.
Peanut: It's time for another addition of the Peanut Show!
Moltar: Oh no you don't!
Moltar pushes a lever.
Pause.
Cut to "Ask the Big Banana".
Phil: Ask the big, oh...who cares anymore?
Cut to Birdman in a banana suit.
Birdman: Birdman, Birdman. Fun in transmission, Birdman.
Teenager: Idiot.
Birdman: Banana.
Cut to a monkey smoking a cigar.
Monkey: No bananas.
The monkey hops off.
Birdman: Eh, ask me something. Please! This segment is dying!
Bob: A slow painful death, I might add.
Birdman: That's right.
Birdman sits down and smokes.
Birdman: Go to commercial or something. I mean it! C'mon.
A hippie walks up to him.
Hippie: Hi dude, like, so, me and this dude...where like, having this bet, right, so yeah right...that you sucked a mantis' cock!
Birdman: Yes, I sucked it dry!
Cut to Travis the Spore sliding by.
Travis: Suck it dry!
Hippie: Dude, you're, like, so gay.
Birdman: At least I'm not a friggin' hippie!
Hippie: Touché, dude.
Hippie grabs out a pipe and smokes it and walks off.
Birdman: I'm a hobo!
People, who pass by, drop down coins for him.
Woman: Go buy yourself a drink.
Man: Buy yourself some porno mags and fast!
Kid: Buy some bubble gum.
Dr. Weird: Uh, buy something.
Steve: Yeah, buy.
Birdman: What brings you to Ghost Planet?
Dr. Weird: We're going to steal a destructible weapon of mass doom and destruction and shoot it down on the Earth, meaning everyone will die so I'll be supreme ruler!
Birdman: What's the point of ruling the world when there is nothing to rule?
Dr. Weird: Touché.
Dr. Weird & Steve leave. Cut back to Birdman.
Birdman: I can see why my ratings are so bad; I mean a 1.2 last week? Uh, better then Space Ghost hogging airtime.
Pause.
Birdman: I got more time to kill, I'll go buy some "collectible" drugs like the ones Elton John, Steven Tyler and Ray Charles had. Ray Charles' drugs would rise up in value now that his dead.
Birdman leaves.
Cut back to the set.
Peanut: Collector's drugs? Since when did Harvey buy those?
Moltar: Uh, oh. We're got a rating of 1.2?
Peanut: Yeah, pretty bad considering the premiere was strong, with 5.7, the second pilot presentation was better with a 6.3.
Cut to Birdman reaching the set.
Birdman: MUST...GO...TO...SET...FAST!
Birdman falls down and the door opens.
Peanut: Hi Birdman.
Birdman: Uh, good...I bought some things to protect Sunlight Studios.
Peanut runs over and drags Birdman to his chair.
Birdman: Send in our first guest, Moltar.
Moltar: Sheesh, okay.
Moltar pushes down the lever which gets Matt Groening on the screen.
Birdman: Hello Matt Groening.
Matt: Hello, Birdman.
Birdman: My name is...Birdman.
Matt: Birdman.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRDMAN!
Matt: Birdman.
Birdman: Nice knowing you Matt cut to commercial.
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to the set.
Matt: So, you're name is Birdman.
Birdman: Yes, I explained during the commercial.
Matt: Okay.
Birdman: Say, why are the Simpsons, yellow?
Matt: That's like asking why is the sky blue.
Birdman: Uh, huh.
Matt: Yeah, basically I thought it would be funny if people switched on the TV and saw the show and be like "what the Hell is wrong with the reception!" Also because that was the first paint I saw and used it. Now can't imagine them without there "yellowness".
Birdman: I scheduled Erik Estrada to be on the show, but the recent budget cuts forced...
Matt: Me?
Birdman: No, Stephen Colbert. I've never heard of him.
Phil: I have, all the time...when I speak.
Birdman: I brought you on the show JUST to answer that simple question. Now go, I have minutes to fill being paranoid.
The power gets cut off.
Birdman: Oh now, what?
Person: Shit!
Sounds of the person running are heard.
Birdman: Matt?
Matt: Yes Birdman.
Birdman: Hold me.
Matt: Only if you hold me.
Moltar: That's just lame.
Birdman: C'mon thing, work! Work! Damn, my damn power bands won't work because my crest went missing. Now I feel as hot as a barbecue steak on the fourth of July.
Sound clip of Birdman snoring.
Peanut: Birdman went to sleep.
Sound clip of Peanut bashing the electrical socket with the guitar, the power then comes back on as Birdman awakens.
Birdman: What was that about?
Peanut: The burglar strikes back.
Birdman: What happened with Avenger?
Birdman flies out and sees Avenger tied up.
Birdman: Avenger, my old chum! Save yourself!
Avenger:(muffled): Cor.
Birdman unties Avenger.
Birdman: Stay here Avenger, we might need you.
Birdman flies back to the set.
Birdman: Avenger was tied up.
Peanut: What?
Matt: Who's Avenger?
Birdman: His my furry chum whom saves the day with me. Well, he used to.
Matt: Did he?
Birdman: Back in 1967.
Matt: Yeah, back in the '80s I did a comic strip in the newspaper called: "Life in Hell".
Birdman: Was it about people living in Hell?
Matt: No. About a bunch of rabbits.
Birdman: Rabbits! Rabbits are the dumbest living creatures by far!
Matt: No, you'd be surprised of how smart they are.
Birdman: No comment. They're the DUMBEST mammals ever!
Matt: They're not mammals.
Birdman: Okay, rabbit-bunny type idiotic things.
A zombie bunny rushes in and chews on Birdman.
Birdman: Aah! The Easter Bunny! I killed you last year!
Matt: Yeah.
Birdman: Do you find it funny, Matt?
Birdman comes back up with his head chewed and revealing part of his brain.
Matt: Yes.
Birdman: You can see my damn brain!
Matt: Yes, I know.
Birdman: What about that other show, Futurama?
Matt: Yes, that premiered way back in 1999.
Birdman: In 1999, that's when Space Ghost made that stupid movie.
Matt: Really?
Birdman: To Die with a Space Ghost? And also, it only goes for 63 minutes and it still got released!
Matt: Maybe you should do a movie.
Birdman: I did a script back in 2000 where computers take over the world as a result of the Y2K, and an army of nerds have to plug viruses into them, but the computers are strong, see? So, uh...yeah, they don't get the computer viruses and rampage the Earth, and that's when I come in to saaaaaaaave the Planet, I call it: "Birdman vs. the Y2K".
Matt: So you only did a script?
Birdman: Yeah, and it will be useless now people aren't worried about the Y2K.
Matt: How about you use your powers to re-plug the Y2K and make the movie?
Birdman: How can I use my powers to restart the Y2K, when I have none!
Matt: So, you're like Batman?
Birdman: No, Batman is a phony, but my solar powers from a power crest on my helmet-thingy, but someone stole it!
Peanut: It's true.
Matt: Do you still have the script?
Birdman: Oh yeah, it's in my time capsule.
Matt: You have a time capsule?
Birdman: Oh yeah, I made it when I started this talk show back last month. It's pretty old, though.
Matt: How about a movie where a robot skiing-instructor that comes back in time for some reason, and has to choose whether his talking-pie friend lives...or dies! I've got Alec Baldwin on hold for the robot skiing-instructor and Robin Williams as the voice of the pie. Ron Howard would be a director.
Birdman: Did you write the script, Matt?
Matt: No, Homer Simpson did.
Birdman: How could that guy write a script? His an animated character for God's sake.
Matt: You don't know your Simpsons.
Birdman: Yes, yes.
Matt: Ha, Futurama.
Birdman: What about Futurama?
Matt: The other show I created.
Birdman: Yeah, I make up words as well.
Matt: Like Urkel?
Birdman: Yes, exactly like Urkel!
Cut to a live action clip of Steve Urkel.
Steve Urkel: Do the Urkel!
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: That guy is such a nerd! Did I do that, ha...ha?
Matt: That guy is pretty annoying.
Birdman: With his nasal infection?
Matt: No, that's the problem with Fran Drescher, his voice is just annoying.
Birdman: Watch your lips Matt!
Matt watches his lips.
Birdman: I mean not literally you idiot!
Matt: Yeah.
Birdman: The art of script-writing is simple.
Matt: Yeah, I wrote about two episodes of the Simpsons, and about one for Futurama.
Birdman: Then you're not the creator! The creator writes all the episodes!
Matt: Not exactly.
Birdman: Not exactly, Matt?
Pause.
Matt: Yes.
Birdman: That's it! I'm going to make my movie! Out of here, Matt Groening!
Matt: No.
Birdman: C'mon.
Matt: No.
Birdman: C'mon.
Matt: Nah.
Birdman: C'mon.
Matt: Nah.
Birdman: C'mon.
Matt: No.
Birdman: Please!
Matt: Oh.
Birdman: YES!
Matt disappears from the screen.
Birdman: Time to make my movie!
Cut to Birdman on the movie set. Cut back to the actual set.
Phil: That was quick Birdman.
Birdman: Oh we made this system where we can use old footage and put all together to make the movie. We just dubbed the voices and lip-sync like um, we just make the mouth pause, flap and stuff to make it look like we're saying the right thing. It's a technology called: "recycled animation".
Peanut: Must be cheaper too.
Birdman: Oh yeah, only one buck to film a movie for around 2 seconds. It's going to be released this Friday.
Peanut: March...4th?
Birdman: That's right.
Peanut: I suppose that's good, did you cause Y2K.
Birdman: Crap!
Cut to Birdman on the computer. Cut back to the set.
Birdman: I started Y2K 2005!
Moltar: That's good, I suppose.
Birdman: Send in the next guest, Moltar!
The power goes off, again.
Birdman: Oh no!
Moltar: Eh.
Birdman: We can't send in the next guest!
The power comes back on, revealing the place is an absolute mess.
Birdman: What happened?
Moltar: Here's Stephen.
Cut to the screen revealing Stephen Colbert.
Birdman: Mr. Colbert!
Stephen: Yes?
Birdman: Birdman speaking.
Stephen: I know, I watch your show all the time.
Birdman: That's nice. I watch your show: "Crank Yankers".
Stephen: I've only been on that show once.
Birdman: Then how come I see your name in the credits for that one episode.
Stephen: Because.
Phil: You kinda sound like me!
Stephen: Hi, Phil.
Reducto: And sorta like me!
Stephen: I love your show!
Birdman: Ass-kisser.
Stephen: Notice, all they both have double sess in them?
Birdman: Yess.
Stephen: Colbert.
Birdman: King?
Stephen: Brown?
Birdman: It's all good!
Stephen: I like your writers as well!
Birdman: Stop kissing my ass!
Stephen: I'm not actually kissing your ass, Birdman...I'm just praising you.
Birdman: Praising me like an ass-kisser would!
Stephen: BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Birdman: Hey, I have a call from the MPAA, uh...they are rating my movie...wait for it, PG-13!
Stephen: That's a good thing? Space Ghost's movie was rated PG.
Birdman: Huh?
Stephen: I suppose your movie is violent.
Birdman: PG! That involves someone dying with some disease or something and it's rated PG!
Stephen: At least it's not rated R or NC-17.
Birdman: I have aides, meaning assistants helping me make that film...and now it's been given the kiss of death!
Stephen: Actually the kiss of death is NC-17.
Birdman: I made that movie for two friggin' seconds!
Stephen: Two seconds?
Birdman: Two words: "Recycled animation".
Stephen: Talk to Dr. Wormy.
Birdman: Good idea.
Cut to Birdman in an office with a small, green worm.
Dr. Wormy: Cold cut, lickly split, doggy dog dog!
Birdman: Yes, master.
Dr. Wormy: Cold cut turkey, man, go lick some stuff for dinner, you know?
Birdman: Yep.
Dr. Wormy: What do you mean the MPAA rate your movie PG-13? I go kill them with cold chocolate chicken for Christmas dinner with lollies and eggs size of your wife's stuff.
Birdman: Yep, sexual harassment suite. Got it.
Cut back to the set.
Stephen: What did he say?
Birdman: He said he couldn't help me out.
Sound clip of a group of people screaming.
Dr. Wormy: Nicotine patch go daboom.
Birdman: You?
Stephen: Oh, fine.
Birdman: That's nice.
Stephen: So, is Dr. Wormy actually a worm or what?
Birdman: Yep.
Stephen: Hey, I think I heard something seconds ago.
Birdman: My voice.
Dr. Wormy slides in.
Dr. Wormy: Me went kablamo with those MPAA jerks, you hear doggy dog dog? Your movie is now rated G!
Birdman: G! That's a family-friendly movie rating...I'll be rich!
Dr. Wormy: Cold turkey not working, patch go down with the clown, you hear Charlie Brown?
Birdman: Yep, good luck. Got it.
Stephen: Maybe you should register your movie in Yeah!
Stephen: That's where Space Ghost registered his movie.
Birdman: His movie sucked. Get out of here, Stephen!
Stephen: But I just got here!
Birdman: Out!
The power gets cut off.
Birdman: Out!
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to the set. The power is still out.
Birdman: I said...out!
Moltar: Huh, the power went out.
The power comes back on.
Birdman: That's better!
Moltar: Yep, his gone.
Birdman: Where's Avenger?
Birdman flies outside to see Avenger is missing.
Birdman: AVVVVVVVVENGER!
The security people come in.
Security Guard: Um, his your security stuff.
The other security person hands it to him.
Security Guard: Don't take these for granted, okay?
Birdman: Nope. I won't.
Cut to a security filled set.
Birdman: I've got five more minutes to spare.
Peanut: Now, four.
Birdman: I need to find the person who kidnapped my beloved Avenger.
Phil: Colour code white, "Even Worse Then Once Thought".
Birdman: I thought it went up to "Blackwatch Plaid"?
Phil: That's, still kinda true.
Peanut: He made up some codes.
Phil: Ha, ha. Hardly any ha, ha-s.
Birdman: I must search...for clues.
Shaggy: Really, now that's spooky!
Birdman: I'll give you a Scooby Snack.
Scooby: Rookay.
Shaggy and Scooby dig in.
Birdman: I wonder what's in these things.
Birdman takes a biscuit, and then gets high.
Birdman: Dude, these...are like, so special. Special Scooby Snacks.
Birdman falls asleep.
Peanut: Harvey?
Phil: Birdman?
Birdman wakes up.
Birdman: To the special chamber room!
Cut to "the special chamber room" which is full of couches and books and has a fireplace.
Phil: What are you doing here?
Birdman: You mean, what are WE doing here? I'm going to gather everyone and tell who's the culprit ala Sherlock Homes.
Birdman is now, on the phone.
Birdman: Cloud. Space Ghost. Moltar...
Moltar: I'm right behind you, idiot.
Birdman: Zorak. X. Okay, that's all!
Cut to the room as everyone sits down, reminding everyone Cloud is actually an old Birdman villain which was known as "FEAR". Birdman enters in a Sherlock Homes type costume.
Birdman: I really like the fact, everyone is here.
Space Ghost: Yeah, I'm here after YOU almost killed me!
Birdman: You were kidnapping my announcer!
Tansut: What? You want another announcer, now...Space Ghost?
Birdman: Who invited this creep?
Tansut: I barged in.
Dr. Nightmare: Yeah, I helped myself as well.
Judge Mightor: Me too.
Mentok: Yep.
Birdman: Anyway, you know WHY we all here?
Mentok: Because...someone ransacked the set, and you're going to reveal the culprit, wasting everyone's time, when it was...
Birdman: SHUT UP!
Mentok: Sorry, but I already know.
Birdman: Just don't tell anyone else, stupid mindtaker. Anyhow, in the scene of the crime, I found a piece of red cloth. After examination during the first commercial break, after much thought it was...X the Eliminator!
X the Eliminator: That is right, Harvey.
Birdman: You knew when I was distracted you could steal my crest, cutting the power out and destroying my set!
Cloud: X, I paid you 38 years ago, to get the stupid crest and NOW you decide to get it!
Birdman: But Cloud & X were working together, you see Cloud & X were looking for my outfit, hoping to find my crest, ALONG the way destroying my set. Cloud now hates me for changing his name and selling him to Space Ghost, that's why he destroyed my set!
Peanut: So you guys kidnapped Avenger?
Birdman: Not exactly, you see Peanut...Space Ghost was angry at me for destroying his mode of transportation, and almost killing him, so he decided to kidnap Avenger for revenge.
Cloud, X & Space Ghost: AND WE WOULD'VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF IT WON'T FOR YOU MEDDLING BIRDMAN!
Avenger flies out of Space Ghost's spandex.
Cloud, X & Space Ghost: AND YOUR MEDDLING EAGLE!
Avenger flies up on Birdman's shoulder.
Birdman: That's a good eagle.
Zorak: Can we leave now?
Brak: Yeah!
Lokar: We just barged in, ourselves!
Moltar: I don't understand any of this crap!
Judge Mightor: Me neither.
Birdman: Right after the police come.
Cut to the set. Everyone is waiting.
Brak: C'mon. C'mon.
Zorak: Shut up, dingus!
Sisto: Yeah, idiot.
Cut to a hand-cuffed Cloud, X & Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: Can't the police just come, already.
Dr. Nightmare: This is just stupid; just blast him, Space Ghost!
Space Ghost: Can't, no power bands.
Cut to Birdman in his normal outfit with Space Ghost's power bands and his crest back in place.
Birdman: Yeah.
Cyclo enters.
Cyclo: I came here, with a message...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIRDMAN!
Birdman: Huh?
Cut to a big celebration. Hesh comes out of the cake.
Birdman: It was my birthday last week, dumbasses!
Phil: We just love, pranking this guy!
Cyclo: You should've seen your face!
Hesh sings the "Go robot" version of Happy Birthday.
Blue Falcone: I have such great ideas!
Birdman: This is all stupid, so it was a prank!
Cloud: Yep.
Birdman: How stupid is that?
X the Eliminator: Very.
Space Ghost: Get it, killed!
Birdman: I don't get you guys.
End credits. During the credits, Hesh continues singing.