Birdman Coast to Coast
Send in the Birdmen
Cut to Birdman in Dr. Wormy's office.
Dr. Wormy: Cold cut, miggity mo mack, jizzabang!
Birdman: What?
Dr. Wormy: I go; you know cold cut, miggity mo mack, jizzabang!
Birdman: So does that mean I got your...
Dr. Wormy: Jizzabang!
Birdman: I can't believe it! I get the Jizzabang 2004 edition.
Cut to Sunlight Studios. Birdman enters with the Jizzabang 2004 (ie, a cloning machine.)
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Peanut: Yeah, what?
Birdman: I got Dr. Wormy's cloning machine!
Peanut: Why did he give it to you?
Birdman: Because, he always thought of me as a son, and his dying soon. So, he gave me a cloning device.
Peanut: What are you going to do with it, Harvey?
Birdman: I'm thinking about cloning myself.
Peanut: Wait a minute, isn't Dr. Wormy that don that killed the MPAA three weeks ago?
Birdman: Yep.
Peanut: We had to put the show on hiatus because of him!
Birdman: I know. He hates the MPAA family, that was just an excuse to kill them.
Peanut: Anyway, did you get Erik Estrada for tonight's show?
Birdman: Nope.
Peanut: Why?
Birdman: The FCC is suing us for lots of adult themes in our show the first five weeks.
Peanut: Did you get any guest at all?
Birdman: I got Tom Kenny though, uh...Kathy Kinney, and uh...John Kerry.
Peanut: THE John Kerry?
Birdman: Yeah, we've both liberals and decided to be on the show.
Peanut: You were able to get a senator, but weren't able to get Erik Estrada?
Birdman: I'll get him...in coming weeks, just not now.
Peanut: Like, next week?
Birdman: Nope, I don't know, I'll just decide next week!
Birdman and Peanut walk through the halls.
Peanut: Erik Estrada? Maybe we should have a Mexican-themed show with him, Shakira & Enrique Isagelous.
Birdman: Uh, Shakira isn't really Mexican in anyway.
Peanut: Let's just get her! Okay!
Birdman: Okay, sheesh.
Peanut & Birdman walk through the halls until they get to the set.
Birdman: Where's Phil?
Peanut: Let's just wait for him!
Peanut & Birdman take their spots; Birdman is now sitting next to the cloning device.
Peanut: What's up with that cloning device?
Birdman: Just in case, I want to clone myself.
Peanut: I should really hire a band.
Birdman: Yeah, what's the point of being a bandleader when there is no band to lead?
Peanut: I agree with that theory.
Birdman: WHERE'S PHIL!
Phil walks in.
Phil: I'm sorry I'm late, parking is terri...
Opening credits.
Birdman: Say something!
Phil: Tonight, Tom Kenny, Kathy Kinney & John Kerry...
Cut to the set.
Birdman: I'm BIRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Phil: Sorry I was so late.
Birdman: You were late; you were supposed to be arriving at about 9:52pm to get ready for the show, except you weren't here until about 9:59 and 59 seconds!
Phil: Well, parking here is terrible.
Birdman: Parking here is terrible! You're not supposed to park anywhere! What happened to that valet I paid to drive off your cars into the inside car park!
Phil: He was sleeping, so I parked my jet-packs on the roof.
Birdman: Bill was sleeping?
Birdman flies outside to see Bill sleeping on the hovering space concrete.
Birdman: BILLL!
Bill: What, now Birdman.
Birdman: You're fired!
Bill: But the repo-depot repossessed my store and that's where I live!
Birdman: You live in a gun store?
Bill: Yes, my wife left me, all my friends died and my dog is very sick and horny!
Birdman: Okay, tell you what, you can live in the Janitor's closet until you can get off your feet, okay?
Bill: Thanks Harvey, you won't regret this!
Bill hops off.
Birdman: Except I already do.
Cut back to the studio, Bill runs off to the Janitor's closet and opens the door and sees Carmine is there in the Janitor's uniform.
Bill: Huh? What's a lump doing here?
Carmine: My name is Carmine, that's right Carmine. I used to live in a mantis' throat until he vomited out some disgusting root beer and there I went, up here to Sunlight Studios to work as a Janitor, the guy I used to live in now discovered "nasal spray" and sounds what he used to sound like when I was around.
Bill: Uh, I live here too now.
Carmine: I can tell you now; we're going to be a very odd couple.
Bill: Really?
Carmine: Yep.
Bill: Oh no.
Cut back to the set. Birdman flies back in.
Birdman: That stupid Bill.
Phil: What now?
Birdman: Send in the first guest, Avenger.
Cut to a television screen revealing Tom Kenny.
Birdman: Hello Mr. Kenny.
Tom: Hello, Birdman.
Birdman: Hello to you to Tom.
Tom: I'm Tom Kenny, comedian, writer, voice actor.
Birdman: You're a comedian and writer?
Tom: Oh yeah, I worked on the Mr. Show with Bob Odenkirk and David Cross.
Birdman: Bob was on our show once.
Tom: Really.
Birdman: Really, really.
Tom: What did he say?
Birdman: Oh some crap about Tom Goes to the Mayor being good.
Tom: Tom Goes to the Mayor? He made a show about me going to a Mayor?
Birdman: Not you, him. You, him.
Tom: Him who?
Birdman: Dr. Who.
Tom: Doctor in the hizzy!
Birdman: Don't say that, ever again.
Tom: Him as in Satan? Once again the day is saved!
Birdman: More like the creampuff girls!
Tom: No, PowerLESS girls.
Birdman: Or, Power-puffed out Girls!
Tom: That's good, but not great.
Birdman: Some guy I've never heard of is talking to me and saying my idea is great!
Tom: No, I said it was GOOD.
Birdman: That's means it's..."bad".
Tom: No, good!
Birdman: No, it's a bad idea.
Tom: No it's not it's good!
Birdman: Tom, it's opposite day.
Tom: Oh, I get it...Opposite Day, got 'ya. And you said you've never heard of me!
Birdman: Huh?
Tom: SpongeBob SquarePants.
Birdman: More like Spongebag Stinkypants.
Tom: Hey, don't bag it because it's rated TV-Y.
Birdman: I released a movie rated "G", so ha!
Tom: So, just because all the movies I've done recently were rated PG doesn't mean squat!
Birdman: Yes it does!
Birdman blasts the screen but nothing happens.
Birdman: Huh? Kryptonite!
Birdman tries to blast the screen again, but still nothing happens.
Birdman: Curse you Kryptonite!
Tom: I thought Superman was only vulnerable to Kryptonite?
Birdman: I'll tell you a secret, Tom. I'm also vulnerable to Kryptonite!
Tom: Really.
Black Vulcan: You must have Kryptonite...in your pants.
Tom: Huh?
Brak's Dad: I fool you again boy!
Tom: This doesn't make any sense!
Birdman: I agree, cough it up.
Tom: What?
Birdman: Kryptonite!
Tom: When?
Birdman: Now.
Tom: Now?
Birdman: NOW!
Tom: I don't have it.
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: Shut up Avenger, the opening monologue is dying as well!
Avenger: Cor, cor.
Birdman: SHUT UP!
Avenger flies off.
Birdman: I registered my movie on What did you do?
Tom: Nothing.
Birdman: Well, I had to register by supplying my email which is Really.
Birdman: You have to have an underscore between the r and the p.
Tom: Uh, huh.
Birdman: No capital letter on the h, and press the 2 and shift key button when doing the "at" which is between the c and h.
Tom: Yep.
Birdman: Press the 2 button and the shift key at the same time.
Tom: I know how to work a computer, Birdman.
Birdman: Really? What's two plus two?
Tom: Four.
Birdman: It's five you moron! It has a hidden factor!
Tom: What hidden factor?
Birdman: The one!
Tom: There's no hidden factor, Birdman!
Birdman: Yes, there is!
Tom: No, there's not. I know my maths Birdman.
Birdman: Or Bird-for-Brains.
Tom: Tom Kenny in his new show "Birdman is Stupid".
Birdman: After the show, we'll be going to Ghost Planet to go to the Taco King, and no tacos for you Mister!
Tom: Oh.
Birdman: The Taco King makes the greatest tacos in the entire universe! Also I've got a welfare check for 10, 00000,00000,00000,0000,0000000,0000,00000 dollars! I'm going to buy 100 tacos for everyone except you!
Tom: That's a lot.
Birdman: I agree, and I don't like you!
The blasts from earlier hit Birdman and kill him.
Tom: Wow.
Peanut: Oh, dear.
Peanut drags Birdman to the cloning machine.
Tom: What are you doing?
Peanut: Cloning Birdman, why?
Tom: Oh, well.
A copy of Birdman comes out.
Birdman: Hi, guys.
Tom: Oh no.
Birdman: Hey, Tom Kenny...you killed me!
Peanut: This Birdman has the same memory bank as the previous Birdman; if we clone Birdman too many times he'll just become dumber.
Birdman whacks Peanut with a metal baseball bat.
Birdman: Me dumb. Or something.
Tom: That's it, I'm leaving.
Birdman: You can't leave; Avenger is with Carmine and Bill! I think!
Tom: Who's Avenger?
Birdman: The director, editor, sound person, writer, producer, sidekick, guest roster person, light person, he also built the set and so on and so forth. I take the credit though.
Tom: That's a bit mean isn't it?
Birdman: Oh well, I don't pay them anyway.
Tom: You don't.
Birdman: Nope, budget cutbacks.
Tom: Well you should pay them.
Birdman: Well, I don't wanna!
Tom: I don't care!
Birdman: He also does the craft service and sends in the guests via satellite.
Cut to Avenger in Dr. Wormy's office.
Dr. Wormy: I'm dying of a Jacuzzi suit rash from when hookers come down meet the worm.
Avenger: COR!
Dr. Wormy: Doctors say, yo...they say I'm going to die they day that is my birthday.
Avenger: Cor.
Dr. Wormy: Yo, they say I have a disease like the Sun on my back.
Avenger: Cor.
Dr. Wormy: They say it's the rash.
Avenger: Cor.
Dr. Wormy: Birdman goes crazy like my three hearts.
Avenger: Cor.
Avenger flies off.
Dr. Wormy: Yo, it's my darn birthday.
Dr. Wormy dies.
Cut to the set.
Birdman: Where's Avenger when you need him?
Avenger flies in.
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: Avenger, my chum...send this guy packing.
Avenger flies in the control room and pushes the lever.
Birdman: YES! Bye, bye Tom.
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to the set. Birdman is on the phone.
Birdman: Really? Dr. Wormy? Him, why do the good die young? Okay, I'll go and pay my dues.(he hangs up) Guys, Dr. Wormy died of a Jacuzzi rash.
Peanut: You going to the funeral?
Birdman: Yep, that's why I am going to clone myself again so I can be at both places at once!
Peanut: Really.
Birdman goes inside and find two Birdmans come out.
Birdman: A second Birdman, isn't it grand?
Birdman #2: Uh, huh.
Birdman: You stay here, while I go to Dr. Wormy's funeral in the Sunlight Planet, aka the Sun.
Peanut: The Sun is a planet as well?
Birdman: Yep.
Birdman flies off.
Birdman #2: Send in Kathy Kinney, Avenger.
Avenger: COR!
Cut to Kathy Kinney on the TV.
Kathy: Hello Birdman.
Birdman #2: Hello...Kathy Kinney.
Kathy: Ever heard of a show called: "The Green Screen".
Birdman #2: Yeah, it premiered a few months ago.
Kathy: Well, I'm a recurring improv person.
Birdman #2: Really?
Kathy: Oh, yeah. I love working with Drew Carey.
Birdman #2: Love?
Birdman #2 sheds a tear.
Birdman #2: No one loves me...
Kathy: Have you tried homosexual?
Birdman #2: Whatcha' talkin' about Kathy?
Kathy: I'm talking about converting to homosexual.
Birdman #2: Hey, Birdman doesn't swing that way, baby!
Kathy: Yeah, I suppose.
Birdman #2: All your shows you've been in have been cancelled! My show so far has lasted 6 episodes!
Kathy: Isn't that nice.
Cut to the funeral. Cut to a monster delivering a eulogy.
Monster: Dr. Wormy is more then a doctor, his my best friend, my Don, my...my soul mate!
Cut to a robotic priest.
Robot Priest: Yes, well, isn't that nice.
Grimlock the Toymaker: I love Dr. Wormy!
Cut to Birdman sitting next to Grimlock.
Birdman: Grimlock? I haven't seen you in ages. It's me, Birdman...Harvey Birdman!
Grimlock the Toymaker: Hi Harvey, become a lawyer I heard. Well, I became a toymaker back in '96.
Birdman: A damn good one I might add!
Grimlock the Toymaker: Well, Space Ghost put me out of business the year after, so I became an editor of Twisted Toyfare Magazine.
Birdman: Space Ghost, oh yeah.
Space Ghost enters.
Space Ghost: Hello Birdman, Grimlock.
Grimlock the Toymaker: Tad.
Moltar, Zorak, Lokar & Brak enter from behind.
Moltar: Don't toy with us! Toymaker!
Grimlock the Toymaker: Very funny.
Zorak: Yeah, it's great!
Birdman: How do you know Dr. Wormy?
Lokar: Oh, we were in the same mafia family.
Brak: It's just so sad, how Dr. Wormy died of a rash he got when he was in a Jacuzzi with a bunch of hookers.
Space Ghost: Just because we are in the same mafia family, Birdman...it doesn't mean I'll stop kicking your ass in the ratings!
Space Ghost blasts Birdman.
Space Ghost: Don Ghostal!
Birdman: Uh, Don Randall!
Birdman blasts Space Ghost.
Brak: Don Dr. Wormy!
Space Ghost: His dead, Brak.
Zorak: Don Bashington!
Moltar: Don Molten!
Lokar: Don Locusta!
Brak: Don Bashington.
Space Ghost: You're not going to become Dons, I will be the Don!
Birdman: You reckon!
Space Ghost: Yeah!
Birdman: We'll see about that, in the Will room.
Dramatic chord. Cut back to the set.
Birdman #2: My first wife Sylvia left me for Phil!
Kathy: Oh, really?
Phil: Shut up.
Birdman #2: Years later in 2002 or 2004, I forgot...I married Gigi, she is so much better then Sylvia.
Peanut: But she is a slut, and that's a problem.
Birdman #2: Yeah, I need a son to carry on my spirit!
Zorbird (half mantis/half bird hybrid) enters.
Zorbird: Hi Dad. Wanna play catch?
Birdman #2: Here's my nine-year old son! Turning ten in June.
Zorbird: I hate life; I want to cause the end of the world!
Birdman #2: You see, I performed oral sex on a mantis!
Kathy: Yuck.
Birdman #2: Yes, I agree. And I was the one whom was pregnant!
Kathy: Oh, well.
Birdman #2: As you see, his ugly to look at.
Zorbird: Hey!
Birdman #2: We need another Birdman in this universe. I won't be around forever!
Kathy: That's true.
Birdman #2: That's why; I've decided to clone myself 100 more times!
Peanut: Harvey! No!
Birdman #2 enters the cloning machine, then 100 more Birdmans come out.
Birdman #2: Bring on the next millennium of Birdmen! Send in the Birdmen!
Birdman #3: You think?
Birdman #4: I love these power bands.
Birdman #4 blasts Peanut.
Kathy: Listen, I've gotta go.
Birdmen: OW! Do you have to?
Kathy: Yes.
Birdman #2: See you later Ms. Kinney.
Kathy: Whose Line is it Anyway?
Birdman #5: Mine!
Avenger flies into the control.
Birdman #2: Avenger, send Ms. Kinney packing. Time for John Kerry to get on the show.
Avenger pushes down a lever which makes Kathy disappear, and then John Kerry appears.
Birdman #2: Hey, Avenger! You know the drill; send in John AFTER the commercial.
John: Hello Birdman.
Birdman #2: I'm sorry John, commercial time.
Pause.
Birdman: Avenger!
Cut to a sleeping Avenger.
Birdman #6: I'll get it!
Birdman #6 invisos in.
Birdman #2: How can he do that?
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the Will reading. Cloud enters in with the Will as the monster, Space Ghost, Lokar, Moltar, Zorak, Brak & Birdman enter.
Cloud: Okay, time for the will reading. Now that idiot that was supposed to read it, got his hand stuck in the paper shredder, I have to read it.
Space Ghost: Yes, read it.
Cloud: To my loyal companion, my best friend Terry Weird will have all my nuclear weapons to destroy the planet like you planned. To Cloud, I give you your birth certificate; reminding you always your name is "FEAR #1". And last, the person who will carry on my Don-ship, my son Lloyd Wormy, a potential Don graduated "Dr. Wormy's School of Ruling the Mafia". Okay, now that's it.
Birdman: What? Dr. Wormy had a son!
Space Ghost: That's news to my ears!
Birdman: How old is he?
Cloud: According to this, he was born in 1776 that makes him an oldie!
Birdman: Yes, that's right...and Dr. Wormy was born in 1607!
Space Ghost: I never knew that worms could live this long!
Brak: Me neither!
Space Ghost: Well, Harvey...this doesn't mean we're still not enemies!
Birdman blasts Space Ghost.
Birdman: There you go, fiend.
Space Ghost: That's right, fiend.
Birdman: Time to get out of here and back to my studios!
Cut to the set. John Kerry is on the screen.
Birdman #2: What have I released...John?
John: I'm not quite sure.
Birdman #2: Bad stuff has been unleashed, 102 Birdmans are on the loose!
John: Really, including you?
Birdman #2: Yes, me! How can I get these guys out of here!
Birdman #7: Me Birdman, me smart, me not like you.
Birdman #2: They're just getting dumber by the mili-second!
John: So, did you vote for me?
Birdman #2: Uh, I think so...I'm not quite sure. Oh, I voted for Phil!
Peanut: No you didn't! You voted for Kerry, remember...
Cut to the ballot box.
Birdman: Say, Peanut, how are you voting for?
Peanut: Bush, because he lets us use guns!
Birdman: I'm voting for John Kerry! Because I don't want Bush in for another four years!
Peanut: Four years of terrorism, wars, and Saddam-capturing! I love George W. Bush!
Cut back to the set.
Birdman #2: Oh, yeah.
John: Well, thank you.
Birdman #2: Yeah, now I remember I asked everyone and I mean everyone who they voted for! They all said Bush.
John: Conformists.
Birdman #2: Let's hope Adult Swim advertised your appearance on MY show! That's ratings galore!
John: Yeah, I suppose.
The original Birdman crashes in.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
John: Hello, uh...Birdman.
Birdman: Huh, how come they are lots of Birdmans here?
Birdman #2: Uh, doesn't ask me I'm just a girl?
Birdman: I know you're not telling the truth, some me your wang!
Birdman #2: NO!
Birdman: Well, I know it's there!
Birdman pulls Birdman 2's pants down looks at him shocked.
Birdman: No genitals! What the bloody Hell!
Birdman pulls his pants down and sees his penis and puts it back up.
Birdman: I have the man-maker!
Peanut: I suppose the clones don't have dicks?
Birdman: Really, now?
Peanut: Yep.
Birdman: That's just stupid, how can they have sex then?
Peanut: I don't know, I don't know anything about cloning devices!
Birdman: Really now?
Peanut: Yep.
Birdman: Let's just change the subject, John...I'M the ORIGINAL Birdman.
John: Really, now?
Birdman: Oh yeah!
Birdman #2: Technically the makes me a girl.
Birdman: Having no cock in the shuttle doesn't make you any less of a man!
Birdman #2: I have a belly button, though?
Birdman: Who cares, it's not like you can perform stomach sex...
Peanut: Or can you?
Birdman: I was just about to say no!
Phil: What about all that "re-counting" controversy?
John: Oh, that.
Peanut: Yes, you wanted to whoop Bush's ass didn't you? Well, the Republicans are still running the government!
John: Yes I know.
Peanut: You liberal ass!
Birdman: Don't worry, I like you John.
John: Thanks, Birdman.
Birdman #8: Me smart!
Birdman #8 rips out Peanut's head.
Birdman: WHA!
Birdman rushes them off.
Birdman: I'm sorry John, but I got to go!
Cut to a farm. Birdman rushes over the others there.
Birdman: Listen, I like you! But I got to kill you!
Birdman #2: Why?
Birdman: Because you killed Peanut!
Birdman #2: But Birdman 8 did that!
Birdman: Well, you also have no penises!
Birdman #3: Shut up.
Birdman blasts a group of them.
Birdman: If you don't want to get killed, I suggest you go...NOW!
The rest of them rush off.
Birdman: Still got it!
Birdman flies off to the set. Cut to the set.
Birdman: Don't worry, anyone all the others are gone!
John: That's a relief.
Cut to Carmine sliding through.
Birdman: Hi Carmine!
Carmine: Listen, I ate that Bill guy!
Birdman: Why?
Carmine: He was so annoying!
Birdman: Oh, well. At least he didn't eat you!
Carmine: Yeah, big relief.
Carmine burps.
Carmine: Listen, I'm going to clean up the blood.
Birdman: That's nice.
John: So, how long does this show go for?
Birdman: It's going to end soon.
John: Really?
Birdman: Yes, I run a half-hour show!
John: Meaning 22 minutes?
Birdman: Actually, it's usually 21 minutes.
John: Really?
Birdman: Commercial time, me being tired, you know, one minute less.
John: Yeah, that's bad.
Birdman: Make up the most of the time John! It's going to end...
Carmine: Soon.
John: So we should we still talk?
Birdman: How about over coffee?
John: Sure.
Birdman: It's a deal.
John: Yep, senator meets Birdman.
Birdman: Oh, yeah.
Carmine slides back.
Carmine: I cleaned up the blood.
The other Birdmen enter.
Birdman: What are you doing here?
Birdman #2: Well, let's see...
End credits.