Birdman Coast to Coast

by coolman3

Birdman now has his own talk show, interviewing celebrities aided by his sidekicks Phil, Avenger and Peanut, and Peanut's sidekicks Birdgirl, X, Peter Potamus as they all mostly blow off celebrities completely and focus on their own goings on. Rererated M

9. Spanish Music

Birdman Coast to Coast

Spanish Music

Cut to Birdman's dressing room. Phil enters.

Phil: Hello Harvey, ready for the big "Spanish" episode.

Birdman: Oh, yeah...to get prepared for the show, I listened to all their music.

Phil: Erik Estrada isn't a musician.

Birdman: Oh, crap. Then what was I listening to?

Birdman turns in on and hears odd Spanish music.

Singer :(singing with subtitles): Birdman sucks like the vacuum at my house, we live in Spain, and we have to live, with his annoying personality! I hope he fries! Like Frylock!

Birdman turns it off.

Birdman: Oh he we go, I was listening to the "Birdman Haters". Must hate the guy who tries to fly like a bird across the solar system.

Phil: Mm, hm.

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, star of the hit show "Sealab 2021", Erik Estrada! One-hit wonder, Shakira and a guy named "Enrique", I can't pronounce his name. Ha, ha...Spanish. Here's...

Birdman walks in.

Birdman: Oh, there's no time.

Birdman flies through the window and crashes down.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: And I'm Peanut, I will be holding auditions for my band "Peanut and the Galaxy Trio".

Birdman: That's OUR band.

Peanut: Oh, well.

Birdman: That's it; it's either "Birdman and the Cruisers" or "Birdman and the Rock-a-fellas".

Peanut: Birdman and the Rock-a-fellas.

Phil: Ha, ha. I was going to say that.

Birdman: Okay, it's decided: "Birdman and the Rock-a-fellas". We said yeah, yeah, yeah, we said yeah, yeah...YEAH!

Peanut: Oh, Avenger...send in the next guest!

Birdman: Avenger is on vacation.

Peanut: WHAT!

Cut to Avenger on the beach.

Peanut: How can that stupid eagle, get a vacation and I can't even get my own band!

Birdman: Zorak doesn't have a band on Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Peanut: Yes, he does: "Zorak and the Original Way Outs".

Birdman: Liar.

Peanut: Can't I have a vacation?

Birdman: NO!

Peanut: Why not?

Birdman: I've known Avenger mostly all my life, I didn't get to know you until we filmed that old show.

Peanut: Why, why that stupid bird?

Birdman: Because I said so!

Peanut: I demand a pay rise!

Birdman: NO!

Peanut: Then I demand a vacation!

Birdman: If I put Avenger back in here, would you be happy?

Peanut: Yes.

Cut to Birdman on the beach.

Birdman: Avenger...help.

Avenger: Uh, cor.

Cut to the studio.

Birdman: Avenger's back, happy!

Peanut: Yes, in next week's episode I'll hold auditions for my new band.

Birdman: No new episode next week.

Peanut: Pre-emption, again?

Birdman: Yep.

Peanut: 12 episodes, and so far we have made 6 episodes, this is our 7th.

Birdman: 9th including that pilot thing and that "Sad Times" thing.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: What, oh okay...don't send in the guest just yet, Avenger...okay. You come to the dressing room with us.

Cut to the dressing room. Birdman, Peanut, Phil & Avenger are dressing up.

Birdman: Okay, we need Mexican costumes.

Phil: Um, Spanish.

Birdman: Spanish, Mexican, same thing.

Phil: Really?

Birdman: Yeah, pretty much.

Birdman and the gang go behind curtains.

Birdman: Okay...Peanut, that's my fake moustache!

Peanut: No it's not.

Birdman: Yes, it is!

Cut to the set. Space Ghost walks in.

Space Ghost: The coast is clear. Moltar, put on the "Birdman" bloopers.

Moltar: Aye, aye space idiot.

Moltar pushes down the level which reveals Birdman in the studio.

Birdman: I have a million pees-wees, I sucked them all.

Peanut: That's sick Harvey!

Birdman: I'm, like, so drunk.

Birdman wets his pants.

Bob: Uh, cut.

Cut to the gang in the "Mess Hall".

Birdman: Dumb, dumb, dumb dada dumb.

Peanut: Are you calling me dumb!

Birdman: Dumb.

Bob: Uh, not again. Cut!

Birdman: We were filming?

Bob: CUT!

Cut to the control room as Phil closes in on Avenger.

Phil: Yummy in my mouth.

Phil gets out of frame as Avenger puts on a disgusted face.

Bob: Ew.

Phil: I have an animal fetish.

Bob: It's not right, call a doctor!

Birdman enters.

Birdman: What are you doing to Avenger?

Phil comes back up.

Phil: Nothing.

Birdman: Okay, then.

Birdman then gets Avenger and eats him.

Avenger: CORR!

Bob: Cut!

Birdman: Huh?

Bob: Harvey, don't talk with your mouth full.

Birdman: Sorry.

Birdman vomits out Avenger.

Avenger: C...c...c...cor.

Cut to the set.

Birdman: Hello to me Mom!

Bob: Cut! If you want to steal ideas from Space Ghost, read the joke book.

Cut to a book with Space Ghost sitting on a stool reading: "Space Ghost's Jokes". Cut to the set with Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Ha, ha. That guy is so stupid! C'mon, hurry up Moltar!

Moltar runs in with a tape reading: "Birdman Bloopers".

Space Ghost: On my back, poorly drawn kind of a molten man.

Moltar: Uh.

Moltar gets himself on Space Ghost as he flies off, the Birdman gang enter in matching Spanish costumes, with sombreros, fake moustaches, and a carpet sample lapping over there shoulders.

Birdman: Okay, our first guest is washed-up Puerto Rican star, Erik Estrada!

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Sorry Avenger, they don't sell Spanish clothes in eagle-size.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Send him in, Avenger.

Avenger: Cor.

Erik Estrada appears on the TV screen.

Birdman: Erik Estrada!

Erik: Hello, uh...Birdman?

Birdman: Yes. Lucky first guest.

Erik: I'm your first guest?

Birdman: No, lucky first "guess".

Erik: Oh, because it sounded like guest.

Birdman: This is my 9th episode.

Erik: Really, it survived this long?

Birdman: Yes, after this, four more episodes.

Erik: Good ratings?

Birdman: Os, os.

Erik: Os?

Birdman: Backwards for so. So, so.

Erik: So it's not great, but it's not bad either?

Birdman: E-xactly.

Erik: What did you say it like that?

Birdman: Because, I just did.

Erik: Really?

Birdman: The big Erik Estrada, I loved you as Officer Poncho in "CHiPs".

Erik: Yes, back in the '80s.

Birdman: Focusing on voice-acting now, are we?

Erik: Yep, I like voice-acting because it's just about the voices not the acting.

Birdman: Your first animated show was...

Erik: Sealab 2021.

Birdman: To people who don't usually bother to watch Sealab 2021, it is a comedy remake of the original '70s show "Sealab 2020", it's based a year after the original and it involves a totally different cast.

Erik: Yes.

Birdman: I watched 10 episodes of that show, it...wasn't very good.

Erik: Hm, hm.

Birdman: No offensive to you, but the Debbie chick brings it down.

Erik: Really?

Birdman: I'm not sexist, just that I'm not a fan of slutty women.

Peanut: Speak for yourself...you married one!

Birdman: Gigi is not a slut!

Peanut: She is, you admitted it a couple of times.

Pause.

Birdman: Oh yeah?

Peanut: Yeah!

Birdman: Yeah!

Peanut: Really?

Birdman: Oh, yeah.

Peanut: Fuck off.

Birdman: Watch your mouth!

Birdman blasts soap into his mouth.

Birdman: Cleaning Peanut's mouth.

Peanut: Help!

Suds come out of his nose.

Peanut: Suds!

Birdman: Officer Suds!

Cut to Officer Suds.

Officer Suds: Poncho?

Erik: Officer Suds?

Birdman: Oh no, family reunion.

Cut to commercial.

Birdman: What was that Avenger?

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: It was an accident, huh?

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Just make sure it doesn't happen again!

Avenger falls asleep.

Avenger: Cor...

Cut to commercial.

Birdman: Uh, Avenger?

Avenger: CORRRRR!

Birdman: You've got to another commercial!

Birdman comes in and blasts Avenger with "Wake-up Drugs". Birdman flies in to the studio again.

Birdman: I'm sorry, Avenger. But that had to happen.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Don't you cor me!

Erik: Can you even understand a word he is saying?

Birdman: Yes, his saying: "Cor".

Peanut: Polly want a beating?

Birdman: Yes, Peanut beat him up.

Peanut runs in and beats Avenger up.

Birdman: Him and his parents were run over.

Erik: Who? The eagle?

Birdman: The Eagles and The Who are two of my favourite bands! I didn't know they were yours!

Erik: No, not really. I was asking about the running over thing.

Birdman: Oh, Avenger was going to die but my parents got him for me for Christmas!

Erik: Isn't that nice?

Birdman: Yep.

Peanut: Polly, polly, polly, polly wanna a beatin'?

Birdman: Erik...help.

Erik: Huh?

Birdman: Become Peanut's new voice.

Peanut: No! My precious voice!

Birdman: The tables are turned!

Peanut:(speaks like Erik Estrada): Really?

Erik: Oh, what happened?

Birdman: You did it Erik!

Peanut: Why Erik? Why?

Birdman: I love you Erik,

Erik: Yeah...whatever.

Peanut: Uh, I missed my old voice.

Erik: If I can voice you, I can unvoice you!

Birdman: Unvoice?

Erik: It's a word.

Birdman: Un...voice?

Erik: It's a word, look it up.

Birdman: No, you look it up!

Erik: I don't have a dictionary!

Birdman: Yeah, and I do?

Erik: Yes.

Cut to a dictionary.

Birdman: Pfft, that could be any book.

Erik: It's a dictionary?

Birdman: Where's my PDA?

Peanut: Avenger has it.

Birdman: Avenger!

Avenger: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!

Birdman: Don't you scream at me!

Avenger: Get your own PDA.

Birdman: Avenger! You can talk! Say: "Birdman rocks".

Avenger: Make me.

Birdman: Avenger.

Birdman flies off to the control room.

Birdman: Give me my PDA!

Avenger: Mike to PDA, Mike to PDA: "Birdman stinks".

Birdman: Your name is Mike?

Avenger: Mike...Brady.

Birdman: Huh?

Avenger shoots out lasers from his eyes.

Birdman: Avenger is possessed! Get the Mexican witch doctor!

Cut to the "Mexican Witch Doctor Centre" on Jupiter. Cut to inside.

Mexican Witch Doctor: And take your Stimutacs everyday.

Patient #1: Thank you Dr. Taco.

Birdman: Dr. Taco?

Dr. Taco: I run the "Taco King" on Ghost Planet.

Birdman: Taco King?

Dr. Taco: I have taco-flavoured kisses.

Birdman: Oh yeah, we want my pet eagle to have an exorcism.

Avenger: Fuck me.

Dr. Taco gets on top of Avenger.

Birdman: Dr. Taco!

Dr. Taco: Well, he said say "fuck me".

Birdman: Not literally.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Dr. Taco: I can't do anything to help you.

Dr. Taco turns into a giant and eats everyone and the whole universe. Cut to his stomach.

Dr. Taco: This should work!

Birdman: According to the pamphlet that Dr. Taco is going to swallow, he is going to spew us out any minute reverting Avenger back to his normal self.

Dr. Taco vomits out the universe.

Birdman: THAAAAAAAAAAANK YOU.

Cut to the set, Birdman crashes through the studio. Peanut crashes to his spot and Avenger flies through as Phil rides on him.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Avenger pushes Phil off as he lands on Birdman.

Phil: Oh crap. Ha, ha.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Avenger is back to normal.

Avenger dumps on Birdman.

Birdman: Just like old times.

Peanut: Everyone is covered in either saliva or vomit.

Birdman: Erik, Erik!

Erik wakes up.

Erik: Oh, hi Birdman.

Birdman: Erik, I think it is time to go.

Erik: Cut to commercial, eh?

Birdman: No, Avenger used up all our ad-time so we'll be going straight to our next guest.

Erik: I'm sorry, I was just sleeping.

Birdman: Hey, I'm the guest.

Erik: No, you are the host. I'm the guest.

Birdman: Ho-st.

Erik: Host.

Birdman: It sounds good on me.

Erik: Yep.

Birdman: Time to go, Erik.

Erik: See you.

Birdman: I salute you Erik Estrada!

Erik: No, I salute "you".

Birdman: Yeah, we see you!

Erik disappears off the screen.

Birdman: Time for Shakira! Underneath her clothes is a story, of great bonanzas!

Peanut: BIRDMAN!

Birdman: Sorry I offended you, GIGI.

Peanut: Yeah, that and her boobs aren't that great.

Birdman: Then who am I thinking about?

Peanut: Uh...Carmen Electra?

Birdman: That's it! We need her around next week or so.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Hey! You write down for the May 2nd show "Carmen Electra".

Phil: Ha, ha.

Birdman: I'm like a married bachelor.

Peanut: Except that bachelors are actually good with the ladies!

Birdman: Shut up.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Alrighty, enough ogling for tonight. Time for Shakira!

Shakira appears on the screen.

Birdman: That was quick.

Shakira: That's a funny outfit you have there.

Shakira laughs.

Birdman: What's so funny?

Shakira: Your clothes!

Birdman: Did you know underneath my clothes there is an endless story.

Shakira continues laughing.

Birdman: Want to see?

Shakira: No thank you.

Shakira laughs even harder.

Birdman: You're quite the laugher aren't you?

Shakira: Because you are so funny!

Birdman: Me funny?

Birdman cries.

Shakira: Did I offend you?

Birdman: Yes.

Peanut: Shut up.

Birdman: I mean no.

Peanut: Good.

Shakira: Huh?

Birdman: Obvious hangover.

Peanut: Shut up.

Birdman: Either that or drugs.

Shakira: Drugs? Oh, no.

Peanut: Actually I did some research on the net and saw that Shakira is actually from Columbia.

Birdman: Columbia Pictures is the company that turned down my movie. So I got Warner Bros.

Peanut: No it's a country.

Birdman: Columbia Pictures is a country?

Shakira laughs.

Birdman: I'm richer then you.

Peanut: The Simpsons.

Birdman: Let me guess "I'm ripping off The Simpsons?".

Peanut: Yes.

Pause.

Birdman: Shut up.

Peanut: Make me.

Phil: Say, you were defending Shakira, you have a crush on her.

Peanut blushes.

Peanut: No.

Phil: Ha, ha. Liar.

Shakira laughs.

Birdman: Your laugh is pretty to hear.

Shakira: Really?

Birdman: Yes, you're so much better then Fran Drescher. I recorded a interview with her once.

Peanut: No you didn't.

Birdman: Yes, it is for the May 2nd show. First guest, you weren't around.

Peanut: Oh yeah, you replaced us with Tansut, Zorak & Moltar.

Birdman: They were so good to me.

Peanut: Really?

Birdman: We taped the interview on March 25th.

Shakira: Really.

Birdman: Oh yeah, gave me a broken leg, hip and tongue.

Shakira laughs.

Birdman: I got leg, hip and tongue surgery.

Birdman laughs.

Birdman: That's so funny! That's so...AGGGH! My hip and leg!

Birdman bites his tongue.

Birdman: And my tongue.

Shakira: You okay?

Birdman: Need to go to Dr. Taco.

Cut to the Dr. Taco Hospital Centre.

Dr. Taco: You can't speak for the next 48 hours.

Talking Machine: Stupid Shakira.

Dr. Taco: So you have to talk with that talking machine.

Talking Machine: I already know that.

Dr. Taco: And you need crutches and a wheelchair.

Talking Machine: Stupid thing.

Cut to Birdman in the set with a talking machine hooked up to him, sitting in a wheelchair and has crutches.

Shakira: You okay?

Talking Machine: Yes, I hate this Mexican show.

Peanut: Spanish.

Talking Machine: Whatever.

Peanut: Huh?

Talking Machine: Ever since this interview began, I knew they would be trouble and I've found it.

Pause.

Talking Machine: Where's the button?

Peanut: Try Machine: "bleep" you.

Peanut: Huh? I thought his show was uncensored.

Talking Machine: Me too, this is a load of bull"bleep".

Peanut: That's weird.

Talking Machine: Stupid thing, this "bleep" machine can't work.

Phil: D...a...

Talking Machine: "bleep", I hate this talking machine.

Peanut: You said Jesus and got bleeped?

Talking Machine: This is one "bleep" of a machine.

Peanut: Oh, that's normal. You can't say "bleep" without getting censored.

Phil: Ha, ha. "Bleep".

Peanut: In England, "bleep" means cigarette.

Cut to a guy sitting down.

Guy: I can't believe it! Can't say "fag" unless I'm gay! That's the Republicans for you.

Pause.

Peanut: You're gay.

Guy leaves.

Shakira: What time is it?

Talking Machine: Time for you to leave.

Shakira: Really?

Pause.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Pause.

Talking Machine: Oh, I found the button.

A boxing glove springs out and punches the screen to break.

Peanut: BIRRRRDMAN!

Talking Machine: Oh, "bleep". I can't have Enrique Gal-see-is.

Phil: Who cares?

Talking Machine: I care.

Peanut: Me too, Shakira is gone now.

Talking Machine: I was happy for her to leave.

Peanut: Go look up Machine: Oh...kay.

Cut to Birdman on the computer.

Talking Machine: This is good knowledge time.

Cut back to the set.

Talking Machine: Which site is that site with the pop-up ads constantly going up?

Peanut: Machine: That is it.

Cut to Birdman on the computer.

Talking Machine: Ha, ha.

Phil: That's my line!

Yzzerdd: Your skull gets crushed so hard, it's no wonder I'm number one.

Talking Machine: That's funny.

Yzzerdd: Oooooooh wizard.

Cut to the set.

Talking Machine: Time to fix the monitor.

Peanut: Okay, sure.

Birdman goes up and fixes it.

Peanut: That was quick.

Talking Machine: I rock.

Enrique appears on the screen.

Enrique: Hello Birdman.

Talking Machine: Hello, Enrique.

Enrique: What's wrong with your voice, it sounds like Stephen Hawking's.

Talking Machine: I bit my tongue.

Enrique: You did?

Talking Machine: I broke my tongue.

Pause.

Enrique: But Birdman...

Pause.

Enrique: There is no...

Pause.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Enrique: Bones in your tongue.

Pause.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: Huh?

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: There are no bones in your tongue?

Talking Machine: Yes.

Enrique: That's right.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: How do you pronounce your last name, Enrique?

Talking Machine: Yes.

Enrique: Gal-la-see-is.

Peanut: Galaseeis.

Enrique: Yeah.

Peanut: Listen, we're running out of time.

Talking Machine: ...yes.

Peanut: So can you please leave?

Pause.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: Stop saying that!

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: Just say "okay".

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: OH...KAY!

Talking Machine: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...

Phil: She's going to blow. Ha, ha!

The talking machine explodes.

End credits.