Birdman Coast to Coast
Peanut and the Galaxy Trio
Cut to the mess hall.
Peanut: Tonight, on the show...I'm not going to be here.
Birdman: And why not?
Peanut: Because...holding auditions for my band.
Birdman: Really, now? And who said you can do that?
Peanut: You. Remember on Thursday...
Cut to Birdman sleeping as the phone rings, Birdman picks it up.
Birdman: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. Whom may I speaking to.
Peanut: Me, Peanut.
Birdman: Hi Peanut.
Peanut: Can I...
Birdman: Yeah, whatever.
Cut back to the mess hall.
Birdman: I don't remember that.
Peanut: You do now.
Birdman: Shut up.
Phil: Who's on tonight's show?
Birdman: Let's see, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson & Kelly Clarkson.
Peanut: Maybe they can help me!
Birdman: Why?
Peanut: They all are on American Idol.
Birdman: American Idol! Oh, crap.
Peanut: Oh, yes.
Birdman: AVENGER!
Avenger: Cor.
Avenger pecks at his food.
Birdman: That's hot.
Cut to Phil making out with Paris Hilton. Cut back to the mess hall.
Birdman: Huh?
Phil: Ha, ha. Confusion.
Birdman: Well Peanut, we don't need you. We have a backup band leader.
Peanut: Who? Lokar?
Birdman: Lokar Locusta. Oh wait, you said that.
Phil: Ha, ha.
Birdman: Oh, look at the time, 10:01...time to get ready for the show.
Phil: Really?
Birdman: Yes.
Phil: Really?
Birdman: Yes.
Phil: Really.
Birdman: Oh, crap it's 10:02.
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, American Idol judges Paula Abdul & Randy Jackson, and American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson. Ha, ha. Something. Here's...
Cut to the set. Birdman crashes in.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Lokar: And I'm Lokar.
Birdman: Shut up Lokar.
Lokar: Well, I'm supposed to be the sidekick!
Birdman: No, now Phil is the sidekick.
Cut to a live action Birdman and Phil running around together. Cut to them laughing, cut to Birdman and Phil on a train (laughing). Cut to them running to each other on the beach and hugging.
Live Action Phil: Ha, ha. Gay.
Cut to a live action Birdman & Phil skipping, holding hands and jumping over a water fountain.
Live Action Phil: Even gayer.
Cut to a live action Birdman & Phil sitting on a bench holding hands looking at the night sky.
Live Action Phil: Ha, ha...even more gayer.
Live Action Birdman: Lovely, isn't it?
Cut to the set with the animated versions of the characters.
Birdman: That was fun.
Phil: Ha, ha.
Birdman: What now?
Pause.
Phil: I love...BEING YOUR SIDEKICK!
Birdman: Me too, buddy...me too.
Lokar: This is so gay.
Birdman: Shut up.
Lokar: I'm supposed to be the sidekick.
Birdman: Well, according to Bob. You don't fit the right demographic.
Lokar: You told me that.
Birdman: Yes, Avenger isn't my sidekick because his demographic is towards the bird demographic.
Lokar: Huh?
Birdman: Yes, uh huh.
Avenger: CORRRRRRRRR!
Birdman: It's not my fault you don't fit the right demographic.
Avenger: Cor.
Birdman: Okay, I'll talk to Ted Turner about it in the May 9th show.
Avenger: Cor.
Birdman: Speaking of shows, this is our triumphant 10th episode.
Pause.
Lokar: That's all?
Birdman: Yeah, nothing to get really excited about.
Lokar: Well, the DVD is out.
Birdman: What DVD?
Lokar: Never mind. (to self) Except the fact life as a lawyer, means your being secretly videotaped.
Birdman: Huh?
Lokar: Never mind.
Birdman: What?
Lokar: I said nothing.
Birdman: No you said "never mind".
Lokar: Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Birdman: Let's just send Paula in.
Cut to Paula Abdul on the screen.
Paula: Hello Birdman.
Birdman: Hello, Ms. Abdul.
Paula laughs.
Birdman: What's your occupation?
Paula: I'm a judge on "American Idol".
Birdman: That, I would be ashamed of.
Paula: Why?
Birdman: Working with Simon Cowell, he was on my show once you know?
Paula: Yes, I heard.
Birdman: He called my show "worst show ever". I know about the flaws like that mailbag thing.
Lokar: Still hate the fact I was replaced with REDUCTO.
Birdman: And "Ask the Big Banana", but I axed those ideas long ago. Also, that opening monologue.
Paula: Opening monologue?
Birdman: Yes, Avenger didn't write it funnier enough.
Paula: Funnier enough?
Birdman: Yes, I make up words.
Paula: Like...
Birdman: Like pasghetti.
Paula laughs.
Paula: Yeah.
Birdman: Ted Turner is a jerk.
Paula: Ted Turner?
Birdman: That's one of the many words I make up.
Paula: Really?
Birdman: Oh yeah.
Paula: Another word you make up?
Birdman: No, oh yeah is a great word to use for things that Kool Aid Man would say.
Paula: Kool Aid Man?
Birdman: You've never heard of Kool Aid Man? OH YEAH!
Paula: So, is this show popular?
Birdman: Yep, up to the 10th episode.
Paula: Is that good for you?
Birdman: No, I thought it would get cancelled after four episodes or less.
Paula: That's nice.
Birdman: If I survive the next three more episodes, I'll make it up to order.
Paula: Really?
Birdman: Yep.
Paula: What's one of the words you make up?
Birdman: Nope.
Paula: Yeah.
Birdman: Please.
Paula: Yeah.
Birdman: Leave.
Paula: Yeah?
Birdman: Now.
Paula: Huh?
Paula disappears.
Lokar: What was that for?
Birdman: I didn't like her.
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the set.
Birdman: Next guest is another stupid, pathetic American Idol judge...Randy Jackson.
Randy appears on the screen.
Randy: Hello Birdman.
Birdman: Cut to commercial.
Randy: Huh?
Birdman: Oh, I'm sorry...it's 10:28pm.
Randy: But it's only around 10:11pm.
Birdman: Let's just leave this guy alone.
Pause.
Birdman: TO THE TACO KING!
Everyone runs out.
Randy: Birdman, Birdman.
Cut to an outer view.
Randy: Odd.
Cut to the Taco King. Birdman, Avenger, Phil & Lokar are gobbling up tacos, people in the background include Space Ghost, Zorak, Moltar (drinking a smoothie),Cloud, Brak's Dad, Brak's Mom, Brak, Sisto, Thundercleese, Dr. Taco, the mourners from "Send in the Birdmen" and a mini-casket with Dr. Worm in it, also Kentucky Shark from the SGC2C episode "Kentucky Nightmare".
Birdman: This is nice.
Lokar: Oh yeah.
Phil:(talking with mouth full): Ha, ha. Tasty.
A waitress comes.
Waitress: Wha' do you sweet peas want now?
Pea #1: Let's see, NOT TO GET EATEN!
Pea #2: Jeffrey, don't torture yourself like this, you've got a wife and three children to sacrifice for.
Jeffrey: Shut up, William.
William: Don't!
Jeffrey hops off.
William: NOOOOOOOOO!
Birdman digs a fork into William and eats him.
Birdman: Love the peas.
Lokar: Let's see, three nachos.
Birdman: Make my foursome.
Phil:(talking with mouth full): Torrita chips, six nachos, a burger and ten tacos.
Waitress: Bathroom is over there, sweet pea.
The waitress points to the Women's bathroom as Phil hops off and enters the Women's bathroom, as the women scream.
Phil: GULP! Ha, ha. I'm a pervert.
Cut to the studio as the gang enter, being really fat.
Birdman: Oh, I had a 10, 0000, 000, 000, 0000 tacos and I don't care.
Avenger: Cor.
Birdman: Hey, Avenger tried the Taco Challenge, and beat Blip, the old stupid monkey companion of Space Ghost's back in the '60s.
Avenger faints.
Phil: I had the most food though; I peed my pants in the car, also crapped in my pants, and vomited on my pants.
Lokar: Oh, that Dr. Taco makes a mean taco.
Randy: Hi guys.
Birdman: Hi Randy Jackson.
Birdman tries to sit down, but ends up squeezing himself in the desk.
Birdman: Jackson, any relation to "Michael Jackson"?
Randy: No, not really.
Birdman: Because he was on that second pilot I filmed way back in 1995.
Randy: Really?
Birdman vomits.
Randy: You okay?
Birdman: Fine, just had over a million tacos.
Randy: Wow.
Birdman: They had a sell on at the "Taco King" ending at midnight, at 10:30 I fly to parenting class, don't arrive to 11:15, doesn't start until 11:30 and it's half an hour class, so that's why I dug in the deal now.
Randy: Good idea, but couldn't you dig in the deal half an hour, before the show?
Birdman: Randy, do you know how long it takes to get to the Sun?
Randy: N-n-n-n-n-n-no.
Birdman: Four hours to fly here, plus traffic, I have to get here by 9:50 and be ready by 9:52, and to start at 10:00!
Randy: Four hours, were do you live?
Birdman: Huh, Earth.
Randy: Why don't you record the show on Earth and not on the Sun?
Birdman: Because, I fall asleep without the rays of the Sun, it's dark by 10:00pm.
Randy: So, that's why. How do the bird and the guy with the eye patch and that green bug survive?
Birdman: Because, they take a newly discovered pill invented back in 1993 when I started working as a scientist again.
Randy: What does the pill do?
Birdman: You can go to the Sun, without frying. It makes the body cool so it or he or she would survive on the Sun.
Randy: Very interesting.
Lokar: Boring.
Birdman: What?
Lokar: Boring.
Birdman: Now what?
Lokar: Boring.
Birdman: Okay, we will air that over segment you taped: "Be Yourself with Lokar Locusta".
Lokar: Thank you Birdman, roll clip Avenger.
Avenger: Cooooooor.
Cut to Lokar on the street with an old man.
Lokar: How do you feel about retirement homes these days?
Old Man: Hello, my name is John Dildo and I reckon the newer generations STINK!
Lokar: Yes, they do. John, retirement homes?
John: The retirement homes where old people are treated like a baby. It's a good thing considering what the Demi-cratics are doing these days.
Lokar: The democratics aren't in office.
John: Then who is?
Lokar: The Republicans are in office, George W. Bush.
John: Has he killed Saddam yet?
Pause.
John: Have you seen my teeth?
Cut to a blind man.
Lokar: Mr. Blind man.
Blind Man: My name is Jarred Knotts. Related to "Don Knotts".
Lokar: How do you feel about a camera being shoved in your face?
Jarred: There's a camera?
Lokar: Eh.
Cut back to the set.
Lokar: Gave them the new Australian drink: "Lipton Ice Tea".
Phil: Be yourself naturally.
Lokar: That's it.
Randy: Ice tea?
Birdman: Yes, it is the latest craze, like TAB back in the '80s.
Birdman grabs a can of TAB and drinks it.
Birdman: Uh, hallucination.
Birdman falls asleep.
Cut to Peanut, Space Ghost & Brak in a judge's panel, Prime Cut Miggity Mo Mack Jizzabang Doggy Dog Dog comes up on the stage.
Peanut: Who do you reckon you should be in my band?
Prime Cut: Because fool, I ain't got nothing on you see, I got to rap harder then Eninem and 50 Cent combined.
Peanut: Rap, oh no. No rapping.
Prime Cut: Oh, dang dog.
Prime Cut leaves.
Space Ghost: He seems nice.
Brak: Yes, let's get him!
Peanut: NO RAPPING.
Brak: Oh, well. We tried.
Peanut: Okay, we've down to Jan, Jayce & Blip.
Brak: Jan tried for saxophone, Jayce for bass drums and Blip for main drums.
Peanut: How about we just hire them?
Space Ghost: Oh no, you ain't getting Space Ghost's kids and their pet monkey!
Peanut: Cloud.
Pause.
Space Ghost: Oh, okay. Stupid kids and their meddling monkey.
Peanut: It's settled "Galaxy Trio Idol" is over.
Ryan Seacrest: I wanted to be host.
Tansut: Too bad.
Cut to the set. Peanut, Jan, Jayce & Blip enter.
Randy: Who's this fellow?
Birdman: My EX-sidekick, Peanut.
Randy: Who's the new one?
Birdman: Phil.
Peanut: PHIL!
Phil: Ha, ha. Unpredictable.
Mentok: Not unless, you're a mindtaker!
Phil: Really funny.
Mentok: I know.
Phil: Get out.
Mentok: Oh, okay.
Mentok leaves.
Randy: Is it time for me to go?
Birdman: Not really, but you can leave anyway.
Pause.
Birdman: Yep, leave.
Randy: Yeah.
Birdman: Leave now.
Randy disappears.
Birdman: Yeah, what A jerk.
Lokar: Does that mean I have to go?
Jan: Yes.
Blip: Woowoowoooo, ah! AH! AHHHHHHHHH!
Lokar: Stupid monkey.
Jayce: See you, Lokar.
Lokar: Stupid girls.
Lokar leaves.
Birdman: Uh, Peanut and the Galaxy Trio.
Jan: Yep.
Birdman: Yep.
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: Let's just go to commercial.
Phil: So who's the next guest?
Birdman: Kelly Clarkson.
Jan: Since you've been gone.
Birdman: What, Avenger have you cut to commercial yet?
Avenger: Cor.
Birdman: Good, we can talk, while we wait.
Pause.
Birdman: Anyone go for the Sunlight Beams?
Jan: What in GFL? Galaxy Football League.
Birdman: Yeah.
Jan: Nope, go for the Ghost Planet Spirits.
Birdman: I can't believe THEY won the Galaxy Bowl!
Jayce: I have high hopes for the Mars Reds.
Birdman: They just suck.
Peanut: I LOVE the cheerleaders for the Venus Sir-ens.
Birdman: They're pretty.
Avenger: CORRRR!
Birdman: We're back! Let's cut to another commercial before it's too la...
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: Thanks Avenger.
Avenger: Cor.
Birdman: Our next guest is American Idol winner, Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly appears on the screen.
Birdman: Hello Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly: Hello Birdman.
Birdman: How are you going, Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly: Alright.
Birdman: Smell the dream, Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly laughs.
Birdman: Whatcha laughin' at Kelly Clarkson?
Kelly: You.
Birdman: What's so funny Kelly Clarkson?
Kelly: You keep referring me as "Kelly Clarkson", just call him simply as "Kelly".
Birdman: Oh, so you erased your last name, like Galileo, Cher, Barbie & Ned Kelly?
Kelly: Who's Ned Kelly?
Birdman: Reckless Kelly, stupid Kelly.
Kelly: Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!
Birdman: Yahoo Serious!
Kelly: Yahoo?
Birdman: Young Einstein, Mr. Accident & more.
Kelly: Mr. Accident?
Birdman: Australian film actor.
Peanut: Ex-film actor?
Birdman: Yes, his washed up now. I must put him on the show, preferably on May 9th.
Kelly: Why not next week?
Birdman: Because, schedule is filled up.
Kelly: Really?
Birdman: You got to be popular to be on my show.
Jan: Too bad you're not!
Birdman: I'm popular; I walk on the streets and people say: "It's Harvey Birdman".
Jan: Because your daily life as a lawyer is secretly videotaped.
Birdman: HUH?
A bright white flash flashes.
Birdman: What was that?
Jan: Oh, nothing.
Birdman: Kelly, what was that?
Kelly: I don't quite know myself.
Birdman: Oh, let's just move on.
Kelly: Galaxy Idol.
Birdman: Galaxy Idol?
Kelly: I saw Peanut and the Galaxy Trio there. Filmed a 6 episode series in 6 minutes.
Birdman: A reality show?
Peanut: Premiering Sunday May 1st at 6:30pm on Adult Swim.
Birdman: But Adult Swim doesn't start until 9:00pm, or is it 11:00pm, I forgot!
Peanut: Oh, it might be 9:00pm, I don't know.
Phil: Nope, 11.
Birdman: Whatever.
Peanut: Anyway, 6 episodes, premiering May 1st.
Birdman: Yeah sure, I'll watch it.
Peanut: Yeah you better; we both saw the stupid movie on Friday "Birdman vs. the Y2K".
Birdman: It's not stupid.
Peanut: That's not what Roger Ebert said.
Birdman: Screw that fatty bastard.
Peanut: Don't call Roger Ebert a bastard, his going to be on the May 9th show.
Birdman: Oh crap.
Kelly: You made a movie?
Birdman: Yep, premiered with a "G" rating on March 4th.
Kelly: March 4th?
Birdman: Oh yeah, the film was 95 percent recycled animation.
Kelly: The other five percent?
Birdman: New animation.
Kelly: Why not completely new animation?
Birdman: Because it costs money.
Kelly: How much?
Birdman: 100 percent new animation costs 1 million bucks, 5 percent is only one dollar fifty.
Kelly: Really?
Birdman: Oh yeah, that's why it likes so crappy.
Kelly: And the voice-acting?
Birdman: Redubbed lines.
Kelly: Redubbed?
Birdman: Not really redubbed, just that they used a sound system which scrambles all the words to the words on the script.
Kelly: Really?
Birdman: Oh yeah.
Blip: That sounds cheap.
Birdman: Blip, you can talk?
Blip: Oh yeah.
Birdman: That's nice.
Blip: I've just been silent, all these years.
Birdman: Silent?
Blip: Well, made monkey noises.
Avenger: Cor?
Blip: That's right Avenger, I'm no ordinary animal.
Mentok: I saw it coming.
Blip: That's right, you stupid mindtaker.
Mentok: I'm not stupid!
Jayce: Blip, I can't believe you can talk!
Blip: That's right, stupid head I can talk.
Jan: Really?
Blip: Shut up, bitch.
Jan: Bitch?
Blip: That's right, bitch.
Jan: I am not a bitch.
Blip: Not according to your stupid boyfriend, Ross Taco.
Ross: Me and my dad are tacos!
Blip: I'm going to stop talking.
Birdman: You better.
Bob: You've lost ratings Birdman.
Birdman: Oh crap, thanks a lot Blip!
Pause.
Blip: Agh.
Birdman: Talk damnit!
Blip: Ooh.
Birdman: Stupid monkey.
Bananas come down on him.
Birdman: Banana.
Kelly: Are you going to eat it?
Birdman: No, too much tacos.
Birdman vomits all over the bananas.
Blip: There goes my snack.
Birdman: HA! YOU TALKED!
Blip: Eeee.
Birdman: I heard you.
Peanut: So you won American Idol, Kelly?
Birdman: Because I made you talk.
Kelly: Yes.
Birdman: Because I'm Birdman.
Peanut: And you released a few albums, yes, yes?
Kelly: Yes.
Birdman: And I rock.
Peanut: No. Yes, yes.
Birdman: And you're a stupid talking monkey!
Kelly: Yes...yes.
Peanut: Goo.
Birdman: And I'm Birdman.
Blip: Stop gloating you waste of power.
Birdman: HA! YOU DID IT AGAIN!
Blip: Shut up.
Birdman: Oops, you did it again!
Blip: Just shut up.
Birdman: No, I'm allowed to gloat...because we live in America. Home of the free, land of the eagle...
Avenger: Cor.
Birdman: That's right, we live in a democracy which we can say what we please. You can say one thing, but do another. It's having your cake, and eating it too.
Cut to Blip eating a cake.
Birdman: Hey, that's my special cake for Space Ghost!
Peanut: You made a cake for him?
Birdman: Yes.
Peanut: Don't believe that.
Blip: Oh, that's nice.
Birdman: DON'T EAT IT!
Blip: You would like that, wouldn't you dickhead?
Birdman: I don't have a dick on my head.
Kelly: Yeah, you don't.
Birdman: That's stupid.
Kelly: Not funny.
Birdman: Glad you agree with me, Kelly as always.
Blip: I don't feel so good.
Birdman: I won't believe that for a second!
Blip: No, it's like someone pissed in it!
Birdman: Oh yeah, just because I urinated on that cake I made for Space Ghost, that YOU are eating, doesn't mean you'll get sick.
Blip dies.
Birdman: Oh crap.
Peanut: Time for a 7th episode.
Cut to Kelly looking on.
End credits.