Birdman Coast to Coast
XXX
Cut to the studio.
Birdman: Okay, so we have Jan, Jayce and eh, Lokar.
Lokar: Yes.
Peanut: I filmed the 7th episode after this show finished.
Birdman: Out of all of them, you chose Lokar?
Lokar: Suck on that!
Birdman: No thanks, I've tried it.
Lokar: Well, we've going to see a lot more of each other, Birdman.
Birdman: Eh.
Peanut: Say, where's Phil?
Cut to Phil with his pants down.
Phil: Here.
Peanut: Huh?
Phil: Ha, ha!
Birdman: What's up with your pants?
Phil: Two words: "Blue Falcone".
Birdman: Oh my God, you didn't!
Phil: We did.
Birdman: You didn't!
Phil: Yep.
Birdman: You...had SEX with him?
Phil: No, I'm heterosexual; we pulled each other's pants down and ran around the Sunset Strip Club left near the shopping mall.
Birdman: Oh, so you're not gay?
Phil: No!
Birdman: Wait, Sunset Strip Club! That's where my wife is working!
Phil: NO.
Birdman: Yes, I just realized, I might lose Gigi.
Phil: Well good enough, because we got a crazy doctor from the RADIO, Kelsey Grammer!
Birdman: Kelsey Grammer used to play a crazy doctor, he isn't one.
Phil: Oh well, just ask Gigi to be on the show.
Cut to Birdman on the phone.
Birdman: Thanks sweetie.
Birdman leaves.
Birdman: Project Greenlight is a go, we just have to get Ben Affleck & Matt Damon!
Pause.
Birdman: Let's ask about strip clubs with Pamela Anderson.
Phil: She isn't a stripper.
Birdman: Yes she is, also we got Carmen Electra. Stripper.
Phil: No she's not! She recently guest-starred on a new series: "American Dad".
Birdman: As a stripper.
Peanut: So we've got Carmen up first, then Pam because Gigi won't be able to come until 10:20, so Kelsey Grammer is lucky last.
Birdman: Episode 11 is a go!
Pause.
Birdman: FUCK YEAH!
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, ex-television star Carmen Electra then ex-television star Pamela Anderson then last but not least, ex-television star Kelsey Grammer!
Peanut: Actually his on a new show...
Phil: Shut up! Here's...
Cut to the set. Birdman flies in.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Lokar: That was quite long.
Birdman: I feel so depressed, and when I'm depressed I yell more.
Lokar: That's so sad, cry me a river!
Cut to an animated Justin Timberlake crying, causing a flood. Cut to the set.
Birdman: My wife has become a stripper!
Lokar: Are you sure it isn't because of you?
Birdman: Shut up!
Lokar: NO! YOU LISTEN! I'M THE MAIN DRUM GUY IN PEANUT'S BAND, SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME SOME RESPECT!
Birdman: Shut up.
Lokar: No, sir.
Birdman: That's mean.
Lokar: I know.
Birdman: Yes, you are smart.
Lokar: No, you're dumb.
Birdman: Thank you.
Peanut: What the Hell?
Birdman: It's Opposite Day, okay?
Peanut: No, Opposite Day is tomorrow.
Birdman: Damnit!
Lokar: Send in the first guest, Avenger.
Birdman: Don't listen to him Avenger! Send in the first guest.
Avenger: Cor, cor.
Avenger pushes down the lever which reveals Carmen.
Carmen: Hello Birdman.
Birdman starts to blush.
Birdman: Hello, Carmen.
Lokar: Carmen is a Mexican name, and your not Mexican! Explain, Ms. Electra.
Birdman: You played Elektra?
Jayce: No, that was Jennifer Garner.
Pause.
Birdman: That movie sucked anyway.
Lokar: Oh yeah.
Birdman: Revision my ass!
Lokar: You mean "revived".
Birdman: You know, shut up Lokar.
Carmen: How are you, Birdman?
Birdman: Fine. You?
Lokar: That lucky bitch.
Carmen: I'm good, yeah.
Birdman: Scary movies are scary.
Carmen laughs.
Birdman: That movie was stupid anyway.
Carmen: Yeah, I know. But they paid me enough money.
Birdman: She works hard for the money...
Carmen laughs.
Birdman: Give me lots of honey.
Carmen: Encore.
Birdman: Wait until the 3:00am rerun.
Carmen: I don't plan to stay up that long.
Birdman: Me neither, Carmen, I mean I have to go to bed at midnight because of how long parenting class is.
Carmen: Parenting?
Birdman: I'm a parent, Ms. Electra.
Carmen: E-Electra.
Birdman: You realize in your name the word "men" is in there and in my name "man" is in there.
Carmen: Oh yeah.
Birdman: Worship me and my things.
Peanut: You noticed your acting a bit out of character lately with this show.
Birdman: There's a camera! A camera changes your personality.
Peanut: Really?
Jan: Oh, yeah. I can relate.
Cut to Jan in the dressing room.
Jan: Makeup! Chop, chop!
A makeup artist comes.
Jan: Calvin Cline, not Louis Lane...stupid!
Cut to the set.
Jan: Oh, yeah. Back in the '60s.
Birdman: I was a star back in the '60s. My wife's sister was on that show.
Carmen: Sister?
Birdman: Twin sister, I might add.
Carmen: Twins?
Birdman: Same hair, basically same outfit. It figures.
Carmen: Clone, maybe?
Birdman: No, they speak differently and she was at my wedding.
Carmen: Who?
Birdman: Gigi! She attended my first wife's wedding back in '95.
Carmen: Really?
Birdman: Or something.
Carmen: Or something?
Birdman: I don't know anymore, my wife has turned to the stripper lifestyle.
Carmen: Oh my God.
Birdman: And I might be losing her.
Birdman starts crying.
Carmen: There, there Birdman.
Birdman: Thank you, Carmen.
Carmen: So, this show looks kinda flashy.
Birdman: Thank YOU for noticing. Nobody notices when they don't care.
Carmen: I care.
Birdman comes closer and closer to the screen.
Peanut: HARVEY!
Birdman goes back to place.
Birdman: What, I wasn't going to kiss her! No sire Bob!
Peanut: Then what was that about?
Birdman: Nothing.
Peanut: C'mon.
Birdman: My cheatin' heart!
Peanut: You almost cheated!
Birdman: I need Kelsey Grammer, now!
Peanut: Not until Gigi comes.
Birdman: Stupid Gigi, how long does it take to get to the Sun?
Peanut: Hours on end.
Birdman: Oh, crap.
Carmen: Birdman, my love.
Birdman: Huh?
Carmen: We can't see each other anymore; our attractions have to be kept from each other. We're so different, the places we live. And you're animated and I'm real.
Birdman: I suppose.
Birdman kisses the screen.
Birdman: Bye, bye my love.
Carmen: Bye, Harvey.
Peanut: Cheater!
Birdman: Shut up.
Peanut: I'm tellin' Gigi!
Carmen: See you next time.
Carmen disappears.
Birdman: You cannot tell Gigi, if you are dead!
Birdman blasts Peanut.
Birdman: Oh, crap. Avenger, help.
Avenger: Uh, cor.
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the Dr. Taco Hospital Centre.
Dr. Taco: Peanut will be just fine, he just got crisped up, and we've guessing the Sun's ultra-violet rays. Here are sunglasses, sunscreen and a product which just got on the market, completely aborted fetuses, and a new cream meaning no sunburn, no skin cancer nothing sun-related. And it was made by stem cells.
Peanut: Stem cell research.
Peanut puts all these things on.
Peanut: Let's go back to the studio!
Cut to the set.
Birdman: Time for our next guest, stripper Pamela Anderson!
Peanut: For the last time, she...is not...a STRIPPER!
Birdman: Okay, "Baywatch" star then...happy.
Peanut: No.
Birdman: Okay, I have turned into a "jerkass" lately, and I'll calm down by my fame.
Pam appears on the screen.
Pam: Hello.
Birdman: Pamela Anderson, Birdman.
Pam: Hello Birdman.
Birdman: Met David Hasseloff?
Pam: Yes, I have.
Birdman: His a hairy man, isn't he?
Pam: Yes.
Birdman: Uh, say Pam...that video.
Pam: What video?
Birdman: That video that you didn't want released but it was released anyway.
Pam: Oh please, don't.
Birdman: Okay, what shall we talk about?
Pam: I don't know.
Birdman: I thought you were a stripper.
Pam: ME!
Birdman: But, you're an ex-TV star, and let's just leave at that.
Pam: Okay.
Birdman: I fear my wife is leaving me, for the razz-ma-tazz life of being a stripper.
Pam: Is she?
Birdman: If you ask me, that would be embarrassing.
Pam: It would.
Birdman: Those eyes, staring at my every move.
Lokar: Is this comedy or crap?
Peanut: Shut up.
Lokar: Yes band leader, sir.
Peanut: That's a good drum guy.
Peanut throws a snack at him and Lokar catches it and gobbles it up.
Lokar: Thank you.
Birdman: This is a bunch of bull-stuffing.
Phil: Ha, ha. Made up word.
Pam: Uh...yeah.
Lokar: Let's highlight the word: "comedy". It's a bunch of craaaaaaap.
Birdman: Hey, Avenger tries his best.
Lokar: First Space Ghost, then you, then Cloud, then Master Shake.
Birdman: What about Brak?
Lokar: His show is a variety show, still crap.
Birdman: Listen Lokar, it's hard being a talk show host/ ex-superhero/ lawyer/ soon-to-be father / husband!
Lokar: Wait, why did you say "soon-to-be-father" before "husband".
Birdman: I don't know.
Pam: That's a lot of work.
Birdman: What are you, a person who PLAYS a lifeguard?
Pam: Well, used to.
Birdman: On that stupid show "Baywatch".
Pam: It's not stupid.
Peanut: Why do you reckon every show is stupid?
Lokar: Well, Earth shows aren't as sophisticated.
Peanut: I'm asking Birdman, Lokar.
Lokar: Well, well...well.
Peanut: Yeah, what about well?
Lokar: The word well astounds me.
Peanut: Why?
Lokar: Humans made it up, you see?
Peanut: Humans make up a lot of words, it's part of the human condition.
Lokar: That's why I hate you Birdman, you dirty ape!
Birdman: I'm not a ape, I've dressed up as a bird.
Lokar: But you originated from the apes.
Birdman: Really?
Lokar: Yes, I'm a locust.
Birdman: We know, Lokar.
Peanut: Kablamo!
Peanut grabs a bazooka and shots out a missile to Ghost Planet. Cut to the Ghost Planet Studios mess hall. Cut to Space Ghost, Zorak & Moltar.
Space Ghost: I've paid the Adult Swim to make another season of Space Ghost.
Zorak: We know!
Moltar: Yeah.
Space Ghost: I'm feeling so lucky.
Pause.
Moltar: What's that?
The missile heads off course and gets sucked by a black hole.
Moltar: Okay, it's gone.
Pause.
Space Ghost: It was funny when we showed the Birdman bloopers a few weeks ago.
Zorak: Who cares about any of this crap!
Pause.
Space Ghost: I do.
Zorak: SHADDUP!
Pause.
Space Ghost: That Sealab show is funny.
Zorak: Only sometimes.
Cut back to the studio.
Peanut: Damn, I was aiming for Ghost Planet Studios!
Lokar: Stupid Ghost Planet.
Peanut: Say, Birdman you haven't answered my question yet.
Birdman: Because, I haven't even watched TV for the past sixteen years.
Pam: That long?
Birdman: Oh yeah, Pamela, mind if I call you Pam?
Pam: Sure.
Birdman: Yeah, I was in rehab for awhile.
Cut to Jesse Jackson with a mini-rainbow in his hand, cut back to the set.
Birdman: Jesse!
Pam laughs.
Birdman: Okay, Kelsey Grammer is coming soon, Pam.
Pam: Really?
Birdman: You have to go.
Pause.
Peanut: No she doesn't.
Birdman: Eh, Gigi isn't here yet anyway.
Pam: So, can I stay?
Birdman: Oh yeah, sure.
Pause.
Birdman: C'mon Black Betty, Black Betty had a child.
Peanut: Who did?
Birdman: Black Betty.
Peanut: Whoa...Black Betty.
Birdman: Black Betty had a child.
Phil: Ha, ha. Black.
Pam: Dig that crazy song.
Birdman: That song is not crazy!
Pam: Uh...
Birdman: Huh?
Peanut: Black Betty.
Phil:(with opera style voice): BLLLLLLLACK BETTY!
The glass shatters.
Lokar: That is...so beautiful.
Lokar sheds a tear.
Pam: Good.
Pam claps.
Birdman: You reckon, that was terrible!
Peanut: Oh yeah.
Lokar: You try singing as beautifully as him.
Birdman:(with opera style voice): BIRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Lokar: Those were the words of Satan!
Lokar covers his ears.
Lokar: Uh.
The glass shatters.
Birdman: Carmine, clean!
Gigi enters.
Gigi: Harvey, what is it?
Birdman: Uh, just place your coat there.
Lokar: Your husband has a terrible singing voice.
Peanut:(with opera style voice): PEEEEEEEEEEEEEANUT!
Lokar: UH! Get out of my ears!
Lokar grabs ear-wax out.
Lokar: Uh, that was terrible! Uh, commercial!
Birdman: Only I say when it's right to have commercial.
Pam: Is it time?
Birdman: Oh yeah, it's time. Avenger...it's time.
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: Welcome back, and Pamela Anderson Lee Rock is still here, uh Pam, it's time for Kelsey Grammer. It's his turn.
Pam: Really?
Birdman: Oh yeah.
Pam disappears from the screen.
Birdman: Gigi, you sit with me.
Gigi: It better not be an intervention.
Birdman: It's not an intervention.
Gigi sits down with Birdman.
Birdman: Time for Kelsey Grammer, Avenger.
Kelsey appears.
Kelsey: Hello.
Birdman: HAPPY INTERVENTION, GIGI!
Gigi: I thought you said it wasn't an intervention?
Birdman: Well, I changed my mind.
Kelsey: It's a pleasure to be on your show, Birdman.
Birdman: Pleasures are all mine.
Gigi: What is it about?
Birdman: Well, first I have to explain to Kelsey.
Gigi: You rather explain something to a celebrity then me?
Pause.
Birdman: Uh, yeah.
Gigi starts crying.
Birdman: I hate women, there just crying machines.
Peanut: That's babies.
Birdman: Babies that's right.
Kelsey: I sense something wrong with you two.
Birdman: Uh, gee, you reckon?
Kelsey: No need for the sarcasm.
Birdman: You reckon?
Kelsey: Now, now...just explain why you're so upset with your wife, Jo Jo.
Gigi: It's Gigi.
Kelsey: Yes, Gigi, GoGo, it doesn't matter.
Birdman: It doesn't?
Kelsey: Just explain your feelings towards Gigi, Birdman.
Birdman: Listen Gigi, I don't like what you are doing from 11:00 until 5:00 am in the morning.
Gigi: What?
Birdman: You know what I mean, "Cowgirl Gigi".
Gigi: How did you know?
Birdman: Me and the guys were celebrating our first episode when I saw you...in the Sunset Strip Club.
Gigi: How do you exactly know I was WORKING there?
Birdman: Oh, I saw you.
Gigi: Well, I have the upper hand...you were at a strip club ogling women.
Birdman: It was Phil's idea!
Gigi: Oh, if Phil told you to jump off a cliff...would you do it?
Birdman: Yes, Phil is my best friend next to Avenger.
Gigi: If I told you to jump off a cliff?
Birdman: No, you're my wife.
Gigi: UH! You see Kelsey, you see?
Kelsey: Yes, I do.
Gigi: Uh.
Kelsey: Just relax and think of what brought you together.
Birdman: I forgot, it was last year. I don't have the best memory.
Gigi: It was last year, jerkass.
Birdman: Oh, well sorry.
Phil: Baby, come to Phil.
Kelsey: So he, over there is well the male mistress.
Phil: I'm the second husband.
Kelsey: Oh...oh.
Birdman: Me and Phil are sharing her.
Kelsey: Oh, so this is what caused the troubles?
Birdman: No.
Kelsey: Then what did?
Birdman: Her becoming a stripper!
Kelsey: Okay, someone fill me on this.
Birdman: Me, Gigi & Phil going married on April 18th, 2004. Shortly after that, we had two separate honeymoons, Phil was first from April 19th to April 25th and then I was from April 26th to May 2nd. On November 2nd, 2004 I got a phone call saying...
Gigi: Did you even mention about me being pregnant? I mean, it's harder then it looks.
Kelsey: Looks can be deceiving.
Gigi: I know.
Kelsey: Continue, Birdman.
Birdman: Gigi was so excited, so excited she went on a "cheating spree". She kissed from Barney Rubble, Droopy, Wally Gator, Gartar and his golden Latus, Phil, and had sex with George Jetson.
Kelsey: Oh my.
Birdman: Oh my, alright.
Gigi: Well sorry, I was just so happy that you would get more then minium wage.
Phil: Ha, ha...I'm pissed off.
Gigi: I'm sorry, Phil.
Gigi slaps Birdman.
Gigi: Harvey, your nothing but my trophy husband.
Birdman: Trophy?
Cut to a trophy shaped like Birdman with a little body and a big head, the trophy reads: "Trophy Husband, won on April 18th 2004, won by Gigi Ken Sebben". Cut back to the studio.
Birdman: Gigi Ken Sebben, if you liked Phil so much, divorce me and marry him!
Gigi: I am married to him, and I can't divorced you, it hasn't been a year.
Birdman: Yes it has!
Kelsey: Actually it has past April 18th.
Phil: Ha, ha. Even I knew that.
Peanut: Yep, you can't count.
Kelsey: This marriage has issues, especially since it's a "three-way" marriage, who do you love most, Gigi?
Pause.
Gigi: Birdman, you idiot!
Kelsey: Birdman, it doesn't look like you love him.
Gigi: I love both of them, but...I love Phil the most.
Phil: YES!
Gigi: But I love Birdman, but our marriage is on the rocks.
Kelsey: Say that again.
Gigi kisses Birdman.
Birdman: Now, that's a woman kiss.
Gigi: But I love Birdman, but our marriage is on the rocks.
Kelsey: Uh, I heard you the first time.
Gigi: But you asked me to "say that again".
Birdman: He meant that he knows our marriage is on the rocks.
Kelsey: Thank you Birdman.
Birdman: Always a pleasure Kelsey.
Kelsey: Yes, I say you should separate for a few weeks.
Birdman: But we have to go to parenting class later tonight.
Kelsey: Okay, that would be accepted.
Birdman: Oh thanks.
Gigi: What can we do doctor?
Kelsey: Go to the nearest beach.
Cut to a beach. Birdman is surfing as Gigi is lying on the sand, getting her tan. Background characters include: "Space Ghost, Zorak, Moltar, Cloud, Brak, Sisto, Brak's Dad, Brak's Mom, Thundercleese, Wally Gator, Gloop and Gleep, Thundercleese's Mom and Dad, a melted Master Shake, melted Meatwad and Frylock caught on fire.
Birdman: Look at me, Gigi!
Gigi: I'm looking Harvey, I'm looking.
Birdman gets eaten by Jabberjaw.
Jabberjaw: This bird tastes like a man, na-na-na-na-na-na.
Gigi: You, Jabberjaw...cough him up!
Jabberjaw coughs.
Gigi: Not like that, like this.
Gigi grabs Wally Gator's surfboard and runs off.
Gigi: Have a taste of vitamin G!
Sylvia: Wait a go, sister!
Master Shake: Where did you come from?
Sylvia: Oh, I came 1 mili-second ago.
Meatwad: Oh.
Wally: Oh, that's my surfboard!
Wally goes out to sea.
Wally: I'm a water alligator, so this would be easy!
Wally grabs Gigi's leg, Gigi then stomps on Wally's knuckles, then Wally lets go and drifts off.
Wally: Help!
Gigi comes closer to Jabberjaw.
Jabberjaw: What are you going to do, kick me in the kidneys?
Gigi: Yes, that is exactly what I am going to do.
Gigi punches Jabberjaw in the kidney areas.
Jabberjaw: My kidneys!
Gigi: Hurts, don't it?
Jabberjaw: You call that a punch?
Jabberjaw grabs out a plastic muscular hand.
Jabberjaw: This is a punch!
Jabberjaw aims to punch Gigi, but Gigi jumps off and kicks Jabberjaw's teeth out.
Jabberjaw: I look like a hillbilly, I'll kill you.
Jabberjaw chews on Gigi and shallows her.
Jabberjaw: Mmmm, slut. Na-na-na-na-na-na.
Jabberjaw swims off. Cut to his stomach as Gigi and Birdman are bouncing around.
Birdman: You were going to save my life, until he ate you. I'm sorry I got mad at you.
Gigi: Well, I'm sorry for working as a stripper behind your back.
Birdman and Gigi kiss.
Birdman: How long do you reckon it will take Jabberjaw to vomit us out?
Gigi: Um, 46 hours.
Birdman: Crap.
Gigi laughs.
Birdman: Yeah, that's really funny.
Cut back to the set.
Peanut: How do you reckon Gigi and Birdman are going?
Kelsey: I don't know.
Lokar: Let's just randomly hold hands and sing: "California Dreamin'" by the Mammas and Papas.
Kelsey: Good idea.
Phil: Better yet, let's just air the sound clip of the song. Do it Avenger.
Avenger: Uh, cor.
End credits. The song California Dreamin' is on during the credits.