Birdman Coast to Coast
Pills
Cut to the set.
Lokar: Have you got Ted Turner for the show?
Birdman: Uh, I got Yahoo Serious.
Lokar: That's because his a washed-up nobody actor from Australia.
Birdman: Uh, crap.
Peanut: Eh, you just get Ted Turner...we'll just air a dedication to the Pope.
Birdman: Thanks Peanut!
Birdman rushes off.
Peanut: Uh, this is crap.
Cut to Birdman on the phone.
Birdman: C'mon Ted, c'mon. C'mon! YES!
Peanut enters.
Peanut: Talked to Ted Turner?
Birdman: Oh yeah, his in.
Peanut: And Yahoo Serious?
Birdman: Oh, yeah...him. Oh, yeah...
Birdman takes a pill and shallows it.
Peanut: You didn't talk to him, didn't you?
Birdman: And the show starts in seconds!
Peanut: What would we do?
Birdman: Peanut, you distract them.
Peanut runs off.
Birdman: Oh, yeah...time to get naughty.
Birdman grabs out a drawer, and puts his head down and sniffs and comes back up.
Birdman: That's nice.
Birdman takes a pill.
Birdman: Pills, pills, pills.
Birdman takes a whole bunch of pills and swallows them.
Birdman: Uh, yeah.
Birdman drinks some water.
Birdman: Need some more pills!
Birdman takes a whole packet of pills and swallows them, and drinks more water.
Birdman: I'm "King of the Pill".
Birdman takes some plants out.
Birdman: I'm getting addicted to narcotics, marijuana plants and pills.
Pause.
Birdman: Oh well.
Birdman takes more pills, sniffs the plant and takes out narcotics and swallows them.
Birdman: Uh.
Birdman bangs his head on the table and drools.
Birdman: Pills, need more pills...need...more...pills!
Birdman grabs out of huge tub of pills and gobbles them all up. Cut to the studio.
Peanut: Is it time yet?
Phil: We can't start without Birdman.
Peanut: C'mon Harvey, c'mon.
Cut to Birdman lying on the floor, dead.
Carmine:(V.O): I want to kick your...
Carmine slides and sees Birdman; he stands shocked and then resumes sliding. Peanut rushes in.
Peanut: Birdman, it's already 10:01, wake up!
Pause.
Peanut: Wake up.
Peanut feels his pulse.
Peanut: Birdman is dead! That's horrible...in principal.
Peanut drags Birdman to the studio. Peanut drags him to the desk and sits down with him.
Peanut:(imitating Birdman): Time to start the show, guys.
Avenger: Cor.
Phil: Wait, why is Peanut sitting with you?
Peanut:(imitating Birdman): Uh, Peanut is my favourite sidekick, he gets to sit with me...(speaking normal) isn't he a pleasure, and you heard him...start the show, chop...chop!
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, head of Turner Broadcasting, his related to Jane Fonda & Peter Fonda in some way, Ted Turner...then someone no one has ever heard of...Yahoo Serious. That's it, yep, that's it.
Cut to the set.
Peanut: Welcome to Birdman Coast to Coast, I'm Peanut, I'm speaking for Birdman.
Phil: But before the show he has been speaking fine.
Peanut: Oh, he quickly developed laryngitis.
Phil: Really?
Pause.
Peanut: Yeah.
Pause.
Phil: Oh, okay.
Lokar: Really, he developed laryngitis that quickly, in around 30 seconds? Wow, it's like his dead.
Peanut: Shit!
Lokar: What, did he do something wrong?
Peanut: Oh, I mean "Shit! I love you guys".
Peanut shudders.
Lokar: Well, isn't someone coming out of the closet tonight.
Phil: Ha, ha. Gay.
Lokar: Why don't after the show we have gay sex in the closet.
Peanut: Oh...Hell no.
Lokar: Hell no, or Hell yeah?
Peanut: Yeah, I mean no, no, no!
Lokar: Taking the first answer.
Peanut: I'm not gay...yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lokar: But you said you "loved" us.
Peanut: No, no, no.
Birdman wakes up.
Birdman: Uh, those pills hit the spot.
Pause.
Birdman: What?
Peanut: Uh, my puppet became a real man!
Peanut rushes Birdman off to the closet.
Peanut: What were you doing, Harvey?
Birdman: I took too many pills, so I fainted.
Peanut: But there was no pulse?
Birdman: Oh, that's always doing that.
Birdman punches his chest.
Birdman: That's better.
Peanut: Oh, that explains everything...wait, why were you taking pills?
Birdman: Okay, last Wednesday, my suit was covered in vomit and I got sick, I took some pills and I liked them I took them to the extent I didn't need them and I took them so much tonight, I fainted.
Peanut: Be careful, you might die of a drug overdose.
Birdman: Fat chance, I've had drugs before.
Peanut: And you almost died.
Pause.
Birdman: So?
Peanut: We don't need that again.
Birdman: Really, I will survive.
Birdman grabs out a HUGE tub of pills and Birdman starts gobbling them up.
Peanut: Uh.
Birdman: Don't tell everyone else I have a drug problem.
Birdman continues gobbling. Outside, Lokar and Phil are waiting.
Lokar: Peanut is most probably making out with his puppet.
Peanut & Birdman open the door and see them, Lokar and Phil stare at Birdman as he gobbles up drugs, and he then faints.
Peanut: My puppet, so he had a drug problem, he did. He then died of it, he did!
Lokar: What happened to your puppet, and where's the real Birdman?
Phil: Ha, ha...yeah.
Peanut: The real Birdman? Oh, his just late.
Peanut starts dragging Birdman off.
Peanut: C'mon Birdman to the dumps.
Cut to the galactic dumpster. Peanut throws Birdman in there and flies off (with his jetpack). Cut back to the studio.
Peanut: I threw Birdman out.
Lokar: You threw the REAL Birdman, out?
Jan: Hard to believe.
Jace: His so heavy.
Peanut: I mean the puppet.
Lokar: Okay, Peanut...what are you hiding?
Peanut: Uh, nothing.
Cut to the dumpster.
Birdman: What am I doing here?
Petroleum Joe: Hi Harvey.
Birdman: Shut up.
Cut to the studio.
Lokar: Peeeeanut.
Peanut: Okay, uh...Birdman is, uh...DEAD!
Dramatic chord.
Peanut: He died, so I stitched a maniacal puppet, and that malfunctioned so I dumped it somewhere.
Lokar: If he died, how did he die?
Pause.
Peanut: Uh pro-stupido-birdguy-proysis.
Lokar: Never heard of it!
Peanut: Uh, it's a newly discovered disease, that uh...okay, I'll tell you the truth
Lokar: Who knows the truth at all these days?
Peanut: He was diagnosed with...cancer.
Lokar: That's horrible, in principal!
Peanut: I mean A.I.D.S!
Lokar: Even more horrible!
Pause.
Lokar: In principal.
Peanut: Okay, I tell you the REAL truth, he died of sudden shock when I came in.
Lokar: Really?
Peanut: Yes.
Lokar: This is the full truth?
Peanut: Yes.
Lokar: Your not going to change it?
Peanut: N-no.
Lokar: Okay.
Pause.
Lokar: Who's going to be the host then?
Peanut: Uh, you!
Lokar: Yes, that would work out wouldn't it?
Peanut: Oh yeah, Birdman was so jealous of you.
Lokar: Really?
Peanut: Really, really.
Lokar: Okay...time for Lokar Coast to Coast!
Opening credits roll again only "Birdman" is replaced with "Lokar" and the music is now classical music. Cut to Lokar in the desk.
Lokar: Welcome to Lokar Coast to Coast, I'm Lokar...your host.
Peanut: And I'm Peanut.
Lokar: Also, there's Phil...who's fired.
Phil: Crap.
Phil leaves.
Lokar: We will have our first guest, after this commercial.
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to the set.
Lokar: Welcome back, our first guest is Ted Turner...come in Ted.
Ted appears on the screen.
Ted: Hello, Birdman.
Lokar: It's Lokar.
Ted: Lokar, yeah.
Lokar: I love the networks you run.
Ted: Yeah.
Lokar: I like how you employed me on Space Ghost Coast to Coast.
Ted: I did?
Lokar: Yep.
Ted: That would have been Mike Lazzo.
Lokar: Mike, he would be on my show next year.
Peanut: Why not next week?
Lokar: No new episode next week, idiot! We won't be on until Halloween.
Peanut: Oh yeah: "Stephen King, Danzig & Angus Scrimm".
Lokar: More like "Angus Grim".
Lokar laughs.
Ted: Yeah, that's funny.
Lokar: Yes it is.
Ted: But, if they repeat this at anytime...well, people would be confused.
Lokar: Why?
Pause.
Lokar: Oh, because people will be like those people were already on it...well, nuts to them!
Ted: So uh...where's Birdman?
Lokar: His dead.
Ted: Oh he is?
Lokar: You didn't hear?
Ted: First Teri Schinvao, then the Pope and now Birdman.
Lokar: 2005 is the year of the dead. Hey, that's a good line for the Halloween episode.
Ted: Yeah.
Peanut: I find that offensive!
Ted: And?
Peanut: I'm going to get my lawyer, Johnny Cochrane.
Lokar: O.J. Simpson's lawyer?
Peanut: Yeah.
Lokar: His dead!
Peanut: Really.
Lokar: A big ass brain tumour!
Peanut: Poor guy.
Lokar: Yes, a lot of people are dying so young.
Peanut: Actually he was pretty old.
Lokar: You mean elderly?
Peanut: Uh...yeah.
Lokar: People would find it less offensive.
Ted: All we need is a fine from the FCC.
Lokar: Don't you mean the S and practises department. I forgot what the letter "S" is for.
Ted: Oh well.
Lokar: Oh well, indeed.
Peanut: Oh yeah.
Lokar: Boy howdy.
Jan: Yep.
Jace: Yep.
Jesse Jackson is at the drums.
Jesse: Uh...yeah.
Jesse Jackson bangs the drums.
Lokar: Rockin'
Cut to the dumpster.
Birdman: That petrol was delicious.
Birdman looks to escape.
Birdman: Must...escape!
Birdman jumps off, and jumps and jumps and jumps down to Earth.
Birdman: AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!
Birdman passes a space-bus.
Birdman: Hi!
The space-bus flies off.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Birdman then floats up.
Birdman: Oh wait, I can fly.
Birdman flies, but then gets caught by a giant hand in the dumpster.
Birdman: Can't move...stomach stuck to giant hand.
The giant hand grabs Birdman and puts it in the dumpster; the top then smashes down and locks itself.
Birdman: Help...help...help.
Cut to the set.
Lokar: So, Ted.
Ted: Y-y-yes.
Lokar: Is it true you are related to Peter Fonda?
Ted: Y-y-yes.
Lokar: Oh, that's nice...I suppose.
Ted: You suppose?
Lokar: Related to Jane Fonda, Ted?
Ted: Uh, ya.
Peanut: I need some pills.
Lokar: Take my locust pills.
Peanut: Locust pills?
Lokar: Yeah, I'm really a human woman!
Peanut: Ew.
Peanut takes a pill.
Peanut: That's addictive.
Lokar: Why do you need some pills, all of a sudden?
Peanut: Eh, I'm depressed.
Lokar: And why?
Pause.
Peanut: Eh, I killed...Birdman?
Pause.
Lokar: You killed him!
Pause.
Peanut: Uh...yes.
Pause.
Lokar: You'll do that for old Lokar, I tell you...you're a great friend.
Peanut: Oh, thanks.
Lokar: I tell ya, you killed that pathetic Birdman and made me host, boy I love you.
Pause.
Peanut: You...love me?
Lokar: What? I'm a gay classy transgender and transpecies, what do you expect?
Lokar kisses Peanut. Cut to Birdman's ghost.
Birdman's Ghost: Whoa, that's a man kiss.
Carmine: Whoa, honey baby!
Cut to Bob.
Bob: Want to be on the all new animated "Queer Eye for the Straight Alien"?
Peanut: I'm not gay.
Bob: You kissed Lokar.
Pause.
Bob: Yep, queer.
Pause.
Bob: Queer as folk.
Avenger: Cor.
Peanut: Uh, I wonder how Phil is going.
Cut to Phil in the woods, hunting.
Phil: Ha, ha.
Phil shoots Yogi Bear.
Phil: Killing.
Phil shoots the Grizbee's bear from "Sealab 2021".
Phil: Ha, ha. Future bear.
Phil then shoots the party bear from "Harvey Birdman".
Phil: Ha, ha...funny.
Phil shuts his eyes and then opens them.
Phil: Hey, it's the Hair Bear Bunch!
Phil shoots them.
Phil: I'm going to have bear for dinner tonight. Ha, ha.
Cut back to the dumpster.
Giant Hand: I just, have the urge to kill someone, a bird perhaps I thought.
Birdman: Uh...there, there.
Birdman gobbles a whole jug full of pills.
Giant Hand: Like the pills?
Birdman: Oh, yeah.
Giant Hand: Can I have some?
Birdman: Oh, you're a giant hand. You can't take pills; I don't even understand how you can talk!
Birdman takes another jug with pills and gobbles them up.
Giant Hand: What does that mean?
Birdman: On.
Giant Hand: It's on!
Birdman: No, no.
Giant Hand: No?
Birdman: Yes, no.
Giant Hand: Go home then!
Birdman: How 'bout, no Giant Hand.
Giant Hand: You better go home, before I eat you!
Birdman: AGGGGGGGGGH!
Pause.
Birdman: Oh wait, I can fly.
Birdman flies off.
Giant Hand: Stupid bird guy.
The jug of pills hand on the Giant Hand as he "smiles". Cut back to the set.
Lokar: So Ted, your like Rupert Murdoch without the FOX.
Ted: Yes I am.
Lokar: What I don't understand is why YOU would be on MY show.
Ted: Because, it's easy. I own the Cartoon Network.
Lokar: Adult Swim.
Ted: Whatever.
Birdman crashes in.
Lokar: What the Hell?
Ted: Birdman?
Peanut stands up.
Peanut: BIRDMAN IS BACK FROM THE GRAVE!
Everyone stares at him.
Peanut: So, I'm a liar. So what?
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the mess hall. Lokar, Birdman (with Avenger on his right shoulder) & Peanut are sitting down.
Lokar: You LIED to us, Peanut! I can't believe you LIED to us, I can't believe I think I love you!
Cut to a live action Lokar & Peanut holding hands, running in a garden.
Singer: Ay...I think I love you, isn't that why love is made of?
Cut to Lokar & Peanut in a carnival.
Singer: Although it worries me to say, I never felt this way.
Cut back to the mess hall.
Peanut: It was all Birdman's idea!
Lokar: Really, Harvey?
Birdman: Nope, Peanut's.
Peanut: Harrrrvey.
Birdman: What?
Lokar: Explain, Peanut.
Peanut: Eh, I thought Birdman died, so I made him out as a puppet, turned out the old guy was alive, so we had a talk in the closet about it, seems he has an addiction to medication, marijuana plants and narcotics...it made sense to just put him in the dumpster and say it was a puppet and make Lokar the host, to make the poor bastard happy.
Lokar: And that bastard is now...pissed off! Explain why you said you killed him.
Peanut: Well, I was actually depressed I lied to you, so I just blurted out that I killed him, seemed to make you happy.
Lokar: You were?
Peanut: In principal.
Lokar: Oh.
Birdman: What about me? I have a problem.
Lokar: Indeed I do, so I just one mili-second ago signed you up to Drug Rehab over at the Gold Coast.
Birdman: In Australia?
Pause.
Birdman: Is it in Australia?
Lokar: No, no...it's here in the Sun. Get packing!
Birdman: Okay.
Cut to Lokar with luggage.
Lokar: Finished putting your CRAP in.
Birdman: Thanks.
Lokar whistles.
Lokar: Space taxi!
A hover taxi comes and picks up Birdman and hovers off.
Lokar: Rehab is a 5-minute resort, so he'll be back by the end of the show. Time for that idiotic "Yahoo Serious".
Cut to the set.
Lokar: How next guest is washed-up Australian comedy actor "Yahoo Serious" anyone has heard of him, but he fits perfectly well in the budget, Avenger!
Avenger: Cor.
Lokar: Send...him...in.
Yahoo Serious appears on the screen.
Yahoo: Hello.
Lokar: Yahoo Search Engine?
Yahoo: Ha...ha.
Lokar: You remind me of Phil Ken Sebben, except without the bizarre hair style.
Yahoo: Crazy isn't it?
Lokar: Mr. Accident?
Yahoo: You know my movie names.
Lokar: No, Birdman is a fan of your films, which I saw before this interview...and they were...CRAP!
Yahoo: Guess I better try next time, ha?
Yahoo laughs.
Lokar: What sort of name is "Yahoo Serious", anyway?
Yahoo: I don't know.
Yahoo laughs.
Lokar: What's your REAL name?
Yahoo: I forgot, I had the name "Yahoo Serious" since the '80s and now...I've forgotten.
Yahoo laughs.
Lokar: You know the REAL name, the name your Mommy gave you?
Yahoo: I forgot.
Yahoo laughs.
Lokar: Taken drugs, have we?
Yahoo: N-no.
Yahoo laughs.
Lokar: You Australians are always laughing, and being happy because there's hardly any bad luck for you guys...it sickens me!
Yahoo: That's good.
Cut to an outer view.
Yahoo: EVERYONE MOVE DOWN UNDER!
Cut to the normal view.
Lokar: I live in outer space, and hardly anything happens here.
After Lokar says the line, a missile hits a nearby planet.
Yahoo: Really?
Peanut: Really...really?
Lokar: I thought I sent you off to Liar Camp, Peanut?
Peanut: You didn't.
Pause.
Yahoo: Liar camp, that's awesome...I love this show.
Lokar: Prepare to leave!
Yahoo: Huh?
Lokar: Just kidding.
Mardurk enters with stacks of "Stimutacs" from "Sealab 2021".
Peanut: Hi Mardurk.
Mardurk: Hi, uh...Sparks sent off a delivery for "Harvey Birdman", real name "Ray Randall".
Yahoo: Where's "Birdman", anyway?
Lokar: His in drug rehab.
Yahoo and Mardurk laugh.
Mardurk: That's funny, seriously.
Yahoo: Uh, Yahoo Serious.
Mardurk: I'm currently logged into Yahoo, that's serious man.
Yahoo: Awesome.
Mardurk: Awesome.
Yahoo: Awesome.
Mardurk: Seriously.
Yahoo: Ten.
Pause.
Mardurk: Ten?
Lokar: This is why Space Ghost turned this guy down on that episode he spent the all budget on releasing himself, he decided to use the old "Susan Powter" interview tape.
Yahoo: Susan Powter?
Lokar: Yahoo Serious is speaking his Aussie mumbo-jumbo.
Yahoo: Mumbo or jumbo, or maybe both!
Lokar: UGHH!
Yahoo: Is crazy!
Lokar: Crazy like you!
Cut to a mental hospital.
Dr. Taco: I'm Dr. Taco, runner of my two famous hospitals "Dr. Taco Hospital Center", "Dr. Taco Hospital Centre" and something else...and also my famous restaurant the "Taco King", my new mental institution "Dr. Taco's Crazy Guy's Place" has been leased, rented, and sold to me, Dr. Taco. Do you have a crazy friend from a country you've never been to, or an odd space alien like him...
Zorak: SHUT UP!
Dr. Taco: Commit them here.
Zorak: SHADDUP!
Dr. Taco: We'll take care of them.
Doctor:( V.O): Don't be crazy!
Patient:(V.O): How?
Doctor:(V.O): Okay, you asked for it!
A gun shot is heard.
Dr. Taco: Dr. Taco Crazy Guy's Place, batteries not included, you build laser-gun-thingy yourself. Each sold separately.
Cut back to the set.
Yahoo: What was that?
Lokar: A commercial to show you, so you won't be crazy.
Birdman crashes in.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Lokar: Birdman? It hasn't been 5 minutes yet!
Birdman: I know, I was cured before then. I've got something to say, Lokar...you're out of here.
Lokar: As a host?
Birdman: And as a drums guy. Jesse...
Cut to Jesse Jackson on the drums.
Birdman: You're out; I found a new drums guy, his good with his hands.
The giant hand comes in and tries to squash him.
Birdman: Okay Lokar, back in.
Lokar: Yes.
Jesse Jackson: Bullcrap, and just because I'm black!
Birdman: Yep...I'm cured.
Yahoo: Hi.
Birdman: Uh, oh you're fired.
Cut to a puzzled Yahoo Serious.
End credits.