Birdman Coast to Coast
Halloween
Cut to the dressing room. Birdman, Phil, Peanut, Avenger & Lokar enter.
Birdman: Happy Halloween, everybody!
Phil: Ha, ha.
Peanut: Meeting the Phantasm himself, Angus Scrimm!
Lokar: Known worldwide horror writer Stephen King!
Phil: And meeting Glenn Danzig.
Pause.
Phil: Someone had to say it.
Pause.
Phil: Ha, ha!
Jan and Jace enter.
Jan: Knock, knock!
Everyone covers themselves up.
Jace: It's not anything we haven't seen, except I don't know about you.
Jace points to Lokar.
Jace: Or you.
Jace points to Avenger.
Jan: Listen, where's the "Female" dressing room?
Birdman: Oh...female, oh...uh, just use the male toilets.
Jan: Ew!
Birdman: Hey, it ain't that bad!
Jan & Jace run out.
Jan:(V.O): We're going to use the set!
Birdman: You do that.
Peanut: Say, le' wife is coming tonight...isn't she?
Birdman: Yes, Peanut.
Peanut: Le' make le' move.
Birdman: Stop speaking French!
Peanut: Going to have hair like Mrs. Frankenstein.
Birdman: Yes.
Peanut: Don't be surprised if I leave tonight with her lipstick all over my cheek.
Birdman: Yeah.
Peanut: Yep.
Birdman: Listen guys, we haven't been on the air for a...couple of months, this is the episode that makes or breaks a second season, be extra nice to the viewers, don't make a death threat like you do in that unaired episode.
Lokar: No, I won't.
Birdman: Adult Swim will most probably consider airing that episode, if they consider making that second season we want.
Peanut: Yeah, that episode was supposed to air on May 16th, until Adult Swim found out they made a 12 episode order, and there were two "extra" episodes, so it went up to 13, they won't up to airing 14 episodes...no, no, no.
Birdman and the gang go behind the curtains.
Birdman: Time to put on the Halloween costumes.
Phil: Ha, ha. Doodle.
Birdman: Shut up, Phil.
The gang come out. Birdman is in a Frankenstein costume, Phil in a Gomez costume (still with the eye patch on), Peanut in a Vampire costume, Lokar in a Zorak costume and Avenger dressed up as "The Crow".
Everyone: HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!
Lokar: Yeah.
Avenger: Cor.
Opening credits.
Phil: Tonight on this "spooktacular" episode of Birdman Coast to Coast, Stephen King, Glenn Danzig & Angus Scrimm, here's our "horrifying" host...
Cut to Birdman crashing in.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!
Peanut: And le' Count Dracula.
Phil: Peanut! You spoke French!
Phil rushes to kiss Peanut's arm.
Peanut: Blah.
Gigi enters with her hair up, and with white streaks...also in a black outfit.
Gigi: Hello, my hubby...Bir...I mean "Frankenstein".
Phil: Gi...gi.
Gigi: Bjorn' Phil.
Phil: Gigi...YOU spoke French.
Phil kisses her arm.
Birdman: As you see, it's Halloween. Here are our two band gals, Jan and Jace.
Jan enters with a Vampire teeth and a black dress. Jace enters with a witch outfit.
Birdman: Top of the late night, Jan and Jace.
Jace: Hello Birdman.
Jan: Me and Peanut are in matching outfits.
Peanut: I know, word.
Jan: Kiss me!
Jan kisses Peanut.
Judge Mightor: Order! Order! It's Halloween, not Valentine's Day!
Birdman: That's right...it's time for our first guest, Stephen King.
Stephen appears on the screen.
Stephen: Hello, Bird...
Stephen laughs.
Birdman: What's so funny about MY Halloween costume?
Stephen: It's just, weird. Are you a bird, a man, a chicken, or Frankenstein?
Birdman: Birdman-Frankenstein.
Stephen: A little bit out of column A, a little bit from column B.
Birdman: Speaking of quotes from "The Simpsons", you were on it way back in 2000.
Stephen: Indeed I was, uh...Birdman.
Stephen laughs.
Stephen: Chicken-man.
Stephen laughs.
Birdman: Damnit Steve, it's Halloween.
Stephen: You... (Laughs)...just... (Laughs)...look funny.
Birdman: Stop laughing, or face the wrath of Bird-Chicken-Man-Frank-stein
Stephen: Heh...ha?
Birdman: I mean...Bird-in-stein?
Stephen laughs.
Birdman: It's harder then it is.
Stephen: Really?
Birdman: Back on topic, I just want to say...you were great as Stephen King on "The Simpsons", Stephen King.
Stephen: I do a good impression, huh?
Stephen laughs.
Birdman: I was blown away by the dark, stormy clouds of fear hanging over your head as you talked with Marge.
Stephen: To clear up some questions, yes I'm going back to horror.
Stephen laughs.
Birdman: You laugh, a lot...don't you?
Stephen: It's a great thing you have going here over here...in...the...
Birdman: Yes.
Stephen: Sun. Say, is there life on the Sun?
Birdman: Yes, I've been there.
Stephen: You live there?
Birdman: No. On Earth. I have to tape it on the Sun, because it's ultra-violet heat rays keep me awake...at night.
Stephen: So once the Sun, goes...you go asleep?
Pause.
Birdman: No.
Stephen: But, what's the point of going all the way to the Sun, just to tape it here, when you're fine on Earth?
Birdman: Good question...Bob!
Cut to Bob as Herman Munster.
Bob: Yes.
Birdman: Why are we taping on the Sun?
Bob: Eh...I don't know. Say, what's that thing on your butt?
Birdman: I'm not falling for that.
Bob: I think it's a space wasp!
Birdman: Space wasps!
Birdman turns over to look at his butt as Bob fires a dart...in his ass.
Birdman: Birdman falling sleepy.
Bob: That's a nice Birdman.
Birdman falls asleep.
Bob: Good Birdman.
Birdman awakens.
Birdman: That was a nice 1-second sleep!
Bob drops his jaw.
Bob: Huh...did you...?
Birdman:(speaking very fast): Well...because the juice in my butt circulated around my bloodstream, meaning it turned my brain, it rejected it and any second it's going to spew out of my ears.
White juice spits out of his ears.
Birdman: There it goes. Say Stephen...
Stephen: Yes?
Birdman: I'm a fan of all your books..."The Firestarter", "Christine", "The Dead Zone" and..."The Shining".
Stephen: Don't I have a good fan?
Birdman: Yep.
Lighting strikes.
Birdman: Would you accept my idea for your next book?
Stephen: Sure, shoot.
Peanut shoots Lokar.
Lokar:(imitating Zorak): Eh...what is this bull crap?
Birdman: Not literally, idiot...okay, here's how it goes, the story starts off with this family...right?
Stephen: Yep.
Birdman: They move into a house, a halfway house!
Dramatic chord.
Stephen: Yeah.
Birdman: They find out, that the house is haunted.
Dramatic chord.
Stephen: Well, isn't that a cliché.
Dramatic chord.
Birdman: The neighbourhood is filled with crazy and naughty monsters that...eat plants...FOR BREAKFAST!
Dramatic chord.
Birdman: But what they find out is, is that the grandmother is a serial rapist who's bent on world domination and...UHHH...placing diapers on her victims!
Stephen: You got me on "rapist".
Birdman: She then finds a soft-side of herself, and suddenly goes to a time machine and everything is back to normal!
Pause.
Birdman: You don't like it, don't you?
Stephen: N-no.
Birdman: You darn dirty bastard!
Birdman zaps Stephen off.
Birdman: Peanut, where's those pills?
Peanut: Those "back-to-normal" pills?
Birdman: Yeah, yeah
Peanut: Here you go.
Peanut throws a jug of "back-to-normal" pills at him.
Birdman: Thanks...I've gotten a bit crazy lately with all the fame. Avenger...commercial.
Avenger: Cor.
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the mess hall.
Birdman: Uh, give me some chicken fillets and some roast fish.
Cut to Spyro in the mess hall.
Spyro: Roast fish?
Birdman: Yes. Fish.
Cut to one of the "Fish Cops" running off.
Spyro: Okay, we've getting roast fish for you.
Spyro gets a dish out with a green, scaly fish.
Fish: Spare me, and I'll grant you three wishes.
Birdman: Okay.
Spyro drops the fish.
Birdman: I want my show to get a second season.
Fish: The lawyer show or the talk show?
Birdman: Lawyer, what? The talk show.
Fish: Okay, because...the lawyer show has past its second season.
Spyro: Two wishes to go.
Birdman: Thanks for reminding me, dork.
Fish: A dork is the name of a whale's penis.
Pause.
Phil: Ha, ha. Penis.
Birdman: Okay, so...okay, how about a glamorous house on the Sun.
Fish: I'm a Genie-fish, not a miracle worker.
Birdman: Sorry. Okay...how about me actually winning some cases this year.
Fish: Eh, I wouldn't bet on that.
Birdman: What can I get?
Fish: A hotplate, it's great for spicy Sun soup.
Birdman: Okay, that then!
Fish: You made a good choice, you can also choose if you want some hookers?
Birdman: Nah.
Fish: C'mon hookers! Hookers ain't going to be free unless you kill yourself and go to Heaven!
Birdman: Can I have a baby son.
Fish: Eh...sure. Whatever. You can eat me now, I want some hookers.
Birdman eats the fish. Cut to the dressing room, Peanut is smudging lipstick all over his cheek.
Peanut: Just wait until Harvey sees this.
Birdman enters.
Birdman: The show has been back for 2 minutes now, time to...say, something is weird about you.
Peanut: I've been making sweet love with your wife?
Birdman: No, you're...BLEEDING!
Peanut: Am not. I've been making sweet love with your wife.
Birdman: Yeah, whatever. C'mon, let's go Peeeeeanut. Oh, it was that fish I aaaaaate.
Cut to the set. Birdman enters.
Birdman: Time to send in, eh...Glenn Danzig.
Lokar: Glenn Danzig? Him, whoa...he sucks.
Birdman: Just send him in, Avenger.
Avenger: Uh...cor.
Avenger pushes down a lever; Glenn then appears on the screen.
Birdman: Haaaeye. I mean...hi.
Glenn: Hello...uh, Birdman.
Birdman: So, hhhhhhhhhhow are you ggggggggggoing?
Glenn: What's up with you?
Birdman: It was that strange fish I ate.
Glenn: Strange fish?
Birdman: It was all scaly and had green vomit covered all over it.
Lokar: No, that's a Genie-Fish, one of the most helpful fishes in the galaxy.
Glenn: Genie-Fish?
Lokar: Oh, yeah.
Glenn: So, have you heard any of my work?
Birdman: I've watched Adult Swim for the past 12 years...
Lokar: 12?
Birdman: Including Space Ghost's show.
Lokar: Oh.
Birdman: Oh, okay so, one night I saw you on an episode of that weird show.
Lokar: What weird show?
Birdman: I don't know, it had fast-food in it.
Lokar: Aqua Teen Hunger Force?
Birdman: Nah, that's a weird title...
Lokar: For a weird show.
Birdman: Oh, yeah. That was it; you were in it, Glenn.
Glenn: Yes, I was.
Birdman: You played Glenn Danzig, Glenn Danzig.
Glenn laughs, and then looks at Birdman sternly.
Birdman: What?
Glenn: I'm your worst nightmare!
Birdman: What worst nightmare?
Glenn: I AM.
Glenn looks at Birdman even sternlier, Birdman then gets caught on fire.
Lokar: Boy, do it again Glenn. It was jolly good.
Lokar laughs.
Birdman: I'm alive still.
Lokar: Oh, yes. That's nice.
Lokar continues laughing.
Peanut: Time to dig for some gold in the control room.
Birdman: Not with that bleeding face of yours.
Peanut: IT'S LIPSTICK!
Birdman: Oh my God, Peanut's gay!
Dramatic chord.
Lokar: So what, I'm gay.
Dramatic chord.
Birdman: Who else is gay?
Peanut: I put on Gigi's lipstick, to make you jealous! Okay!
Birdman: How was it supposed to make me jealous, Peanut?
Peanut: Because it looked like we made sweet love?
Birdman: Peanut, Peanut, Peanut. You were like a son to me, now I disown you.
Zorbird enters in a clown costume.
Zorbird: Hi Dad.
Birdman: Yeah, hi.
Glenn: Why is he in a clown costume?
Zorbird: A clown raped my mother, Zorak when I was younger, so I dressed up like a clown because they are scary.
Lokar: Zorak is a woman?
Zorbird: Well, he says "half-women, half-man, and all-mantis".
Lokar: Oh.
Zorbird: He can't reproduce because of his lazy funk.
Glenn: Okay, I am confused, why would...funk?
Zorbird: It's sperm, except more green then white.
Birdman: Yes Glenn, not all of my guests know this, but in 1995, I sucked on Zorak's cock.
Glenn: Dude, that's sick!
Birdman: Sick like a fox.
Zorbird: I have two daddies.
Birdman: And one mommy.
Zorbird: One mommy?
Birdman: Well, more like a step-mom.
Glenn: Dude, what's his name?
Birdman: Zorbird, it's a weird name I know. I'll try better next time in the name department, but Zorak named him.
Zorbird: I'm 10.
Birdman: Turning 11 next June.
Peanut: Can I dig for gold, now?
Birdman: Can't you handle around 11 or so more minutes?
Pause.
Peanut: No.
Zorbird: Who's my step-mom?
Birdman: Gigi.
Zorbird: I know her, isn't she that slut?
Birdman: She is not a slut; she just likes to explore a lot.
Zorbird: I saw her with Mr. Ken Sebben.
Phil: Ha, ha. Hardly any lines.
Birdman: Well, about that...you have a few step-dads.
Zorbird: I'm confused.
Birdman: Me too, let's go to the Taco King.
Cut to the Taco King. They are stuffing themselves.
Birdman: Best Halloween ever!
Phil: Our first Halloween show, uh...we need a Christmas special.
Birdman: Next year.
Zorbird: Can I go trick-or-treating with my friends?
Birdman: Sure, son. With your little friends.
Zorbird walks off.
Peanut: I wanna hit Bedrock.
Avenger: Cor.
A sign lights up reading: "An AOL Slide Company".
Peanut: Uh, Ted Turner.
Avenger: Cor.
Peanut: Together Avenger, we can rule the world! YES!
Birdman: Let's go, Glenn must be feeling lonely by now.
Cut to the set.
Glenn: I can wait all day, or can I?
Cut to an outer view.
Glenn: Yep, I could wait all night.
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the Taco King.
Birdman: Well, we have to leave now.
Lokar: Oh, I was enjoying that.
Jan: Me too.
Jace: Tacos cause zits and moles and pulps and moles and dimples and pimples and more wrinkles.
Jan: So?
Jace: So I worship Paris Hilton, kill me why don't you?
Birdman: You're getting out of that religion Missy.
Jace: Yes Mr. Birdman, sir.
Jan & Jace laugh. Cut to the set.
Glenn: Hello?
Space Ghost walks in a Drizzle costume.
Space Ghost: Fellow citizen, come on my show and get turned on by our red hot services.
Glenn: Okay.
Space Ghost: Moltar cut the cord.
Moltar: Could I just push down the lever, meaning he'll disappear from Birdman's screen, and on to ours?
Space Ghost: Sounds complicated, let's just go.
Moltar pushes down the lever, meaning Glenn disappears. Space Ghost & Moltar leave. The gang come back in.
Birdman: Where's Glenn?
Peanut: According to Avenger, someone intruded and cut to commercial.
Birdman: Blaspheme.
Peanut: Blaspheme indeed; let's call the home security company.
Birdman: Oh well, let's just cut to Angus Scrimm.
Angus appears on the screen.
Birdman: Angus, welcoming you to my show.
Angus: Thank you Birdman.
Birdman: Welcome to my show.
Angus: Uh, you said that already.
Birdman: I know, I'm tired.
Bob: Tired?
Birdman: Oh yeah.
Bob: Peanut, get some SPF 1000000 + for Harvey, move, move, move!
Peanut: What do we do while we wait?
Bob: Let's just air one of the leftover "The 2-Second Segment with Myron Reducto".
Peanut: Splendid idea.
Bob: Phil, get some beer for Peanut. His acting smart!
Cut to Reducto in the Hover RV.
Reducto: Guess what time it is, TO WASTE TIME READING YOUR PATHETIC LETTERS! Our first letter goes to Quahog Guy from the Adult Swim message boards "your show is pretty mediocre, it's a bit hit n' miss, but the later episodes show improvement". You won't need improvement were you are going, "Quahog Guy". Anyway, our next person says "the show is alright, I hope there is a second season". Well, these are the only emails that I got!
Cut back to the set.
Bob: You all right, Birdman?
Birdman: Yep.
Angus: I'm pleased to be on your show.
Birdman: Now this guy seems familiar.
Peanut: He was in that '70s movie "Phantasm".
Birdman: Is that where the guy's skin gets ripped off.
Peanut: Uh, I think so... I haven't seen that movie since I was 9 years old.
Angus: Uh, yes.
Bob: This was that guy from those Aqua Teen Hunger Force Halloween Marathon commercials last year.
Birdman: So that's why it was so easy to get him?
Bob: Oh, yeah.
Birdman: That's nice, that's how we got Erik Estrada right?
Bob: Yeah, basically.
Birdman: Angus, have you done any projects lately?
Angus: No, not exactly recently.
Birdman: So you're washed-up?
Angus: E-yeah.
Angus laughs.
Birdman: I was washed up in the 60's but in either 2001 or was it 2003, I don't know, I became a lawyer!
Peanut: You don't know?
Phil: You said in your book that you became a lawyer in 2001?
Birdman: Yeah, now I'm thinking "2003", oh well, let's hope by some lucky chance I'm right.
Phil: Ha, ha.
Jan: Heh, heh.
Jace: I can't believe you don't know!
Angus: Uh, yeah and then you got this talk-show this year, right?
Birdman: Yep.
Angus: You're lucky; you're not washed-up like me!
Angus laughs.
Birdman: Very funny.
Angus: Yeah, basically I'm in retirement.
Birdman: Really?
Angus: Yes, Birdman...ugh, yeah.
Birdman: Well Angus, it's hard to believe...but I'm only 23.
Peanut: Are not!
Birdman: It's true.
Peanut: Oh really?
Birdman: Yep.
Peanut: Then what was that birthday we celebrated a few weeks ago?
Birdman: My 23rd.
Peanut: No, it was your 52nd.
Birdman: Huh?
Angus: Oh...really?
Birdman: Okay I forgot my age.
Peanut: We forgot to, so we just picked a number between 50 and 60 at random.
Phil: Ha, ha!
Angus: Oh, alright then...that settles it then.
Birdman: Hold on Angus, what's your age?
Angus: Ugh...
Angus laughs.
Peanut: Birdman, it's a private show...if he gives out his age, he could sue us for billions for privacy policy.
Birdman: Oh yeah, you lucky bastard.
Angus: Oh, yeah.
Cut to Kool Aid Man.
Kool Aid Man: OH YEAH!
Cut back to the set.
Peanut: What was that?
Birdman: Product placement...
Birdman grabs a can of "Tab" and starts drinking it.
Birdman: Ugh, old soft drink in a can.
Birdman gulps more out of the can and then crushes it with his fist.
Peanut: What was that!
Birdman: More product placement...
Birdman grabs a can of Coke Cola and starts drinking it, crushes it and grabs out Big Red bubblegum.
Zorak: That's a good bubblegum.
Peanut: What? You have to say that because you promote it.
Zorak: It's true.
Peanut: It's true alright!
Zorak: But I'm not Zorak...I'm Space Ghost!
Zorak pulls off his mask and costume and reveals it's Space Ghost.
Space Ghost: HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY IN THE UNIVERESE!
Angus: Who's this fella?
Birdman: Space Ghost, he lived in outer-space, got killed and now his "Space Ghost", his a rival-talk show host.
Lokar: Some people already took the "Zorak" costume design!
Birdman: Stay away from him!
Space Ghost: Ugh, the tanning on my bleaches.
Space Ghost turns around revealing he has a tan.
Birdman: That's sunburn, Space Ghost. You didn't rub the SPF 10000 like we did.
Space Ghost: I'll most probably get skin burn, that's just great.
Birdman: Still good tan though.
Space Ghost: Thanks.
Birdman: Yeah...
Phil: Thank you, noddy no how! Ha, ha! Random.
Peanut: Yeah, tanks.
Phil: Ha, ha! Thanks.
Birdman: Oh, it's time to go, see you Angus!
Angus: Bye.
Angus disappears.
Birdman: See you next week kids!
Pause.
Birdman: Is it cut, Avenger?
Avenger: Cor.
Birdman: Say two cors for no, one cor for yes.
Avenger: Cor, cor!
Birdman: Eh, it doesn't matter.
Space Ghost: How 'bout those Space Cadets?
Birdman: Please leave Spacey.
Space Ghost: Oh sure, I'll leave.
Space Ghost flies off.
Birdman: I could've sworn it was time to end!
Avenger: Eh.
Two executives enter.
Network Head: I'm Network Head, his Network Head #1.
Network Head #1: Hi.
Network Head: And upon viewing all your shows, every show breaching the code of the Standards and Practises department, oral sex, rape, references to some crap we forgot, coarse language, adult themes, and racy situations.
Birdman: I don't think we ever had racy situations.
Network Head: Eh, the rape bit. Death threats, some boring crap, nudity...there's only one thing I can say Mr. Birdman!
Birdman: What?
Network Head: You really want to know?
Birdman: Yes, yes!
Network Head: Despite being mediocre at best at times, you're renewed for a second season scheduled to begin next Fall
Birdman: That's a bit soon isn't it?
Network Head: Fall 2006.
Birdman: That's enough time for me to pursue my lawyer job, and it gives me enough time to tape the show when I want, and not live.
Network Head: Well, bye Mr. Birdman. See you next year.
Birdman: Wait, you didn't tell me the order!
Network Head: Eh, 12 more episodes, we're going to air that episode that never aired this season because it went over the order amount, so 13.
They now both leave.
Birdman: See you next year, kids!
Lokar: Right.
End credits.