Birdman Coast to Coast
Monkey Ghost
Birdman walks in his bedroom.
Birdman:(drunk): Hahahahaha, I saw 17 boobs and one vagina!
Birdman lies on the bed as the scene transitions into a dream. It's the junior prom as Jason, Birdman's dad is next to a 12-year old Birdman.
Jason: Okay son, you show everyone else how the Randalls do it, okay son?
Jason walks off and pushes him to his date, a blonde girl wearing a pink dress as Jason walks over to another father.
Father: You can't live through your son, Jason.
Jason: I'm not living through him...
Father: Okay, whatever you say...
12-Year Old Birdman: Gee, are you as nervous as I am.
Blonde Date: Yeah...I suppose.
12-Year Old Birdman: When I get nervous, blood comes out of my nose.
Blonde Date: I really wanted to know that.
Announcer: Everyone hold onto to your dance partners and be ready for the Time Warp.
12-Year Old Birdman: That song is so old.
Blonde Date: Tell me about it.
12-Year Old Birdman and Blonde Date hold hands as 12-Year Old Birdman starts profusely sweating as Blip's ghost appears.
Blip's Ghost: Use the force young Ray Randall.
12-Year Old Birdman: What? What are you doing in my dream?
Blip's Ghost: One man's seed must be consented.
12-Year Old Birdman: GET OUT OF HERE MAN!
The song "Time Warp" starts as Blonde Date starts dancing with 12-Year Old Birdman as he against falls over and trips everyone other and a bowl of punch pours on to the ground as Jason is shocked.
Jason: What in the name of sex toys?
Blonde Date: This is the worst dream I've ever been in, thanks a lot Birdman, now I've got punch and glass in my dress.
Blonde Date storms off as Blip's Ghost laughs manically.
Blip's Ghost: I'm going to keep appearing in your dreams and turn it into nightmares...until your debt is repaid for killing me last season!
Birdman wakes up.
Birdman: Blip, what are you doing to me you darn dirty monkey ghost!
Birdman runs out of the apartment, through the halls, through the main door, through the footpath, other the fence runs off to a car.
Man in Car: Yo, get out of my car!
Birdman: Why don't you make me!
Opening credits.
Phil:(V.O): Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, comedian and actor David Cross, and that's all...please welcome your guest, Birdman!
Cut to the studio as Birdman walks in, with a beard mark and red veins in his eyes.
Birdman: Hello, welcome to Birdman Coast to Coast...
Peanut: Gee Birdman, what's up, pre-season two jitters?
Birdman: No, I've developed insomnia since Blip's Ghost has appeared in my dreams turning it into nightmares, do you reckon it means something?
Peanut: His pissed...pissed off you peed in a cake that he ate episodes ago.
Birdman: That cake was meant for Space Ghost.
Peanut: Well, his angry about you causing his death...so, I don't know.
Birdman: I've called an exterminator to ease me through these tough times...
Peanut: One of the "Ghostbusters"?
Birdman: No...Steve Arnold.
Peanut: Aw, that's too bad.
Birdman: Steve Arnold is now on the line as we speak.
Steve Arnold appears on the monitor.
Steve: Hello.
Birdman: Hi Steve, I've got a little ghost problem on my hands.
Steve: Shoot.
Birdman: Blip is hunting me in my dreams.
Steve: Who's Blip, exactly?
Birdman: A monkey that was going to be apart of the band and died...due to eating the cake I had urinated on which I was saving for Space Ghost.
Steve: So you're talking about exterminating a...exterminating a ghost?
Birdman: Yes...dur, like...hello?
Steve: I exterminate bugs.
Birdman: I've got a bug for you, name begins with "L" and ends with "K" can you guess who it is?
Cut to Lokar in the control room talking to priest Bob Larson on the monitor.
Bob: I'm happy to be here, Mr. Locusta.
Lokar: Call me King Locusta.
Bob:(laughing): Uh, yes...King Locusta.
Lokar: I was chosen to interview you because Birdman wanted to see what you could tell me about monkey ghosts?
Bob: Monkey ghosts?
Lokar: Something about Blip's ghost haunting him in his dreams, worried he might terrorise the set and possess him.
Bob: I really should tell you who are like fly paper for demons...
Lokar: Paranoid talk show hosts?
Bob: Maybe, maybe...yes.
Lokar: I'm gay, does that mean I'll be one day a demon magnet?
Bob: I have nothing against them personally, but God made a man and a woman to be in love, not for a man and a man or a woman and a woman.
Lokar: So?
Bob: You're like nectar for demons, my friend.
Lokar:(sarcastically): Oh thanks a lot Bob Larson, you made me feel so much bloody better! I feel so damn marvellous, my choice of lifestyle means eternal damnation, eh? Well, thanks a lot I thought God liked gay people.
Bob: Well I've heard nothing in the bible that says homosexuality is a sin.
Lokar: Can I tell you a secret, Bob.
Bob: No, do you have an appointment with him in the confessional?
Lokar: No...but, I'm not actually gay.
Bob: No.
Lokar: I kinda just pretend because...because well, it's a thing because I don't like dating women, but I get boners looking at pornography...what, I mean...I mean...I definitely mean "Vogue" magazine and ah...erections, is that the word I'm looking for instead of "boners"? Well, I've had dating problems, and I pretend I'm gay, because, women are attracted to me but still dump me on my bottom for some reason because it's one guy, next, other guy, next, you know what I mean? I'm not a virgin, I've had intercourse at least twice or five times, oh wait you don't want to hear that.
Bob: Go on.
Lokar: No, then I'll be going on a rant, long story short - I just pretend.
Bob: Really?
Lokar: What about my brother George, he has peyote insurance.
Bob: Okay, nice.
Cut back to the set.
Birdman: And so I said, that's not my wife, that's my prostitute!
Pause.
Steve: Back to the ghost...
Birdman: Oh, so do you exterminate ghosts now?
Steve: No.
Birdman: Oh.
Steve: I know a ghost exterminator nearby the planet you're on.
Birdman: You do?
Steve: Yes, his name is Ned Hastings.
Pause.
Birdman: His that animator guy ain't he?
Steve: Maybe.
Birdman: I don't care, what's his number?
Steve: I don't know, he leaves pamphlets around...
Birdman: His he in the yellow pages?
Pause.
Peanut: Just check, no one's stopping you.
Birdman: You're right.
Cut to Lokar drinking two glasses of beer in the control room when Avenger flies in wearing a bird-sized robe.
Lokar: What's up with this MTV they have on these days, it's not music television, it's reality cr-r-rap, Pimp My Ride, what sort of name is that. I suppose you have to be in the hip-hop and the "teh s uck" crowd to understand, My Super Sweet 16, what the bloody Hell is this putrid garbage about anyways, Punk'd? Until they get that Paris Hilton on that show, I'll remain thinking it's attacking good celebrities for no reason but for a cheap laugh.
Bob: I understand, MTV is more of the teenage crowd's channel.
Lokar: Yes, but adults watch it too, I must stick with VH1, but that's turned into reality show crap, "Breaking Bonaduce"? What is so bleeding marvellous about Danny Bonaduce's life, oooh like "Hogan Knows Best" Hulk Hogan has his own show, oh he has a family, wow I didn't know that. I don't care, there's no bloody music channel dedicated to opera.
Bob: Oprah?
Lokar: Opera, Larson, not Oprah, opera.
Bob: Jerry Springer the Opera is moral trash.
Lokar: I hate Jerry Springer, love opera, don't bag opera, Bob.
Bob: Yeah but...
Lokar: Don't diss it until you've tried it!
Bob: Yes, but...
Lokar: I'll put on my Hawaiian skirt and we'll dance till dawn talking about what Jesus would do.
Bob: What Jesus would do is...perform miracles.
Lokar: That is so remarkable, I'm about to piss myself laughing.
Bob: And God...God is watching over us.
Lokar: Why us?
Bob: Well...
Lokar: No, it's a question Bob, why us?
Bob: I suppose...just to watch over us.
Lokar: Really...
Bob: Yes.
Lokar: Good.
Cut to Birdman and Peanut looking in the yellow pages.
Birdman: According to this, Ned Hastings will talk over about a full-time service extermination contract.
Peanut: No, that portion of the service will cost $190 dollars.
Birdman: Should I make a money tree?
Peanut: Money tree? No, why?
Birdman: To make money.
Peanut: Here's a cheap service, of ghost poison being sprayed in the studio for a cheap $1 dollar bill.
Birdman: Let's take that deal.
Peanut: Where's the phone number?
Birdman: Ghost-5528?
Birdman walks off.
Birdman: I'll be on the phone.
Peanut: So Steve, you related to Tom Arnold?
Steve: No.
Peanut: Yeah, he was on our show, Birdman married him on impulse, but that's Birdman for you.
Steve: Oh.
Birdman walks in.
Birdman: Ned will be in a couple of seconds he said.
Ned Hastings walks in wearing a orange coat and a gas tank.
Ned: Hey guys, I'm here.
Birdman: That was quick, Ned.
Ned: Well, here in the Ghost Extermination Company Inc. it's customary to be quick. Here's a business card.
Ned hands Birdman a card with a picture of a ghost on it.
Birdman: It just has a ghost on it.
Ned: Of course, that's what people want you to think.
Birdman: What?
Ned: Want you to think that it's a ghost, to me it's profit.
Steve: Hey Ned.
Birdman: Bye Steve.
Steve: So...
Steve disappears from the monitor.
Birdman: Do you cover sudden exorcisms?
Ned: Sure do.
The priest from "Unaired" walks up behind Ned with the bible.
Priest: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU TO GIVE ME MONEY!
Birdman: LOKAR! YOU CAN GET OFF THE SPACE PHONE WITH BOB LARSON!
Cut to a drunk Lokar lying on the ground with a bamboo stick.
Lokar:(singing): Come and knock on our door, come and knock on our door, just here waitin' for you...
Bob: Back to the monkey ghosts...
Birdman: LOKAR!
Lokar: What you imbecile?
Birdman disrupts the transmission as Bob appears in a little picture down below, being handed a coffee and drinking it.
Birdman: You can stop talking to Mr. Bob Larson now.
Lokar: Cool...I think.
Lokar turns off the transmission as stock footage of a dog chasing after a cat appears.
Lokar:(laughing manically): OH GOD! THAT IS SOO FUNNY, OH GOD, MY BUSTED SIDES ARE BUSTING AGAIN! OH LOOK, THE CAT'S SNIFFING THE DOG'S BUTT, OH GOD...HAHAHAHAHAHAA, THAT'S JUST SOOO FUNNY, THE DOG IS STARTING TO HUMP THE CAT, OH GOD MY SIDES ARE BUSTING, I CAN'T BREATHE! I CAN'T BREATHE!
Lokar falls on the ground as Phil, Peanut, Birdman are talking to Ned.
Birdman: Okay, Ned...I want the poison service.
Ned: The 1 dollar service?
Birdman: Correct.
Phil: Why did you get Lokar to hang up on Bob Larson, Birdman?
Birdman: What?
Phil: I have problems Birdman, real problems.
Birdman: Whatever.
Phil: Don't whatever on me, Birdman.
Peanut: What about robot ghosts?
Birdman: Robot ghosts.
Phil: I just like sucking on animal c...
Birdman: Confetti hotplates, ghosts like confetti hotplates.
Peanut: Do not.
Lokar:(V.O): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Birdman throws the yellow pages book on the ground as it explodes as Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force suddenly appears, shocked.
Shake: Give me back my powers, bird bitch.
Cut to commercial. Act 2. Birdman is talking at the curtains with Ned.
Birdman: So, you have installed all the ghost poison tanks.
Ned: Check.
Birdman: Sprayed the ghost repellent.
Ned: Check.
Birdman: Checked with special heat-vision goggles to check if there's already a ghost in the studio.
Ned: Check.
Birdman: Drink coffee.
Ned: Check.
Birdman: And give Master Shake his powers back.
Ned: Double check.
Birdman: Okay, we've done...thank you for your services Ned.
Ned: Apart of the one dollar service deal and the contract you just signed over commercial break, I shall guard the studio from here just in case a ghost comes in without you knowing.
Birdman: Good idea, well thanks Ned.
Birdman walks back to his desk and grabs out a cue card and starts tapping it.
Birdman: Welcome back, fellow viewers. Our guest tonight is David Cross.
David Cross appears on the monitor.
David: Hello Birdman, I am obviously David Cross.
Birdman: You didn't bring Bob Odenkirk did you?
David:(laughing): No.
Birdman: He said Tim Heidecker and Eric Warehaiem were talented people when he was on my show. Talented! What sort of topsy-turvy world is this where unexperienced people are talented?
David: I don't know what you are talking about.
Birdman: Tim & Eric, like hello...wait, I remember, I accidentally said "TOM and Eric", silly me.
David: Let's stop talking about "Tom Goes to the Mayor" for the minute.
Ned: Mr. Cross, I loved you in "Run Ronnie Run".
Pause.
Ned: It was priceless.
Birdman: Yes, and you played the wheelchair guy in "Scary Movie 2".
Ned: Hated it.
Birdman: Your not here to give commentary Ned, just guard the set. So David, will you think about doing other movies?
David: Maybe if the studio pays me an assload of money.
Birdman: Well, that's great, has it been commercial yet?
David: What?
Cut to Phil in the control room with Lokar.
Lokar:(drunk): So...Phil, you like confetti hotplates?
Phil: No, what are "confetti hotplates"?
Lokar:(drunk): You know paper confetti, you put that in a hotplate full of soup and you eat it, tastes like plastic.
Phil: Why did you hang up on Bob Larson, I've got problems.
Lokar:(drunk): Because your addicted to the taste of animal's private parts, how revolting.
Phil: Well, okay...maybe I do.
Phil grabs Lokar and runs off. Cut back to the studio, David Cross is wearing a beer hat, drinking two beers through straws as someone off-screen is putting his makeup on.
Birdman: No, put the rouge there, no, over there! Your left, no your other left! Now the right isn't going to be on par.
David: Can I have some lunch?
Birdman: You like taco sandwiches?
David: It's alright.
Birdman: Good, Avenger...send Mr. David Cross a taco sandwich.
Cut to Avenger in the control room as he pulls the lever down as a taco sandwich all wrapped up pops out in the monitor as David grabs it. Cut back to the set.
David: Smells good.
Birdman: Missed lunch, eh?
David: Yeah.
David unwraps it and starts eating as the hand off screen stops putting the makeup on.
Birdman: I know how that goes.
David: I love it how it has that South-Western flavour.
Birdman: Glad you're enjoying it.
David: Thanks for the taco sandwich, buddy.
Birdman: So Mr. Cross, will you join me for my new film "Birdman vs. the Giant Godzilla Gorilla Man vs. Michael Jackson vs. Your Mom".
Pause.
David: No thank you.
Ned: Can I talk yet?
Birdman: Keep guarding!
Ned: Okay.
David: I just made up a movie idea, it's based in the future where giant robots enslave humans for pocket money to build a laser-gun to destroy the Sun so they can have the heat from the Sun to power there ultra-violet ray-guns and power up there electricity...Birdman starts falling asleep...because the Power Plants are incompetent monkeys, and Bob Odenkirk will play the monkey while I play the psychotic rooster who thinks his a robot turkey bent on world mayhem and domination.
Ned: Birdman, wake up!
Birdman quickly wakes up.
Birdman: Did I fall asleep?
Ned: Duh.
Cut to Peanut reading a script.
Peanut: Why don't I have any lines, and according to this at the end, I'm going to be eaten by dinosaurs.
Birdman: It doesn't say that.
Peanut: Yes, it does.
Birdman: No, it doesn't.
Peanut: Yes, it does.
Birdman: Here's your script.
Pause. Phil walks in with Lokar as Lokar explodes.
Phil: Damn.
Lokar's Ghost: You'll pay for this Birdman!
David has finished eating as he throws the wrapper away.
Birdman: What did I do?
Lokar's Ghost: Kill me!
Birdman: No I didn't.
Lokar's Ghost: Maybe not Lokar...but you did kill...transforms into Blip's Ghost...ME!
Birdman: Blip's ghost!
Blip's Ghost: That's right Birdman.
Cut to Ned sleeping.
Birdman: Ned! Wake up! Ned!
Ned quickly wakes up, sprays ghost poison in his face and starts running around.
Ned: I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE! ICAN'TSEEICAN'TSEEICAN'TSEE!
Birdman: That's just great, cut to commercial Avenger.
Avenger: Caw.
David: Sweet.
Cut to commercial. Act 3. Everyone is staring at each other as Blip's Ghost eats a banana as it goes through him.
Birdman: Blip, what are you doing here?
Blip's Ghost: I'm here to cause havoc and chaos in your set.
David: I have a cousin who, uh...who...
Blip's Ghost: SHUT UP!
David: Talks like you...
David starts laughing.
Blip's Ghost: Very funny, no-one cares.
Phil: Hey Blip, 'member when me, Peanut and you went to the 1967 Emmy Awards and we saw Elizabeth Montgomery and kept staring at her butt.
Blip's Ghost: Good times there Phil.
Peanut: I think I have a photo of that, somewhere.
Birdman: You went to the Emmys without me?
Peanut: Yeah, you were looking at old 1950s' newspapers, we all thought it was a better waste of your time.
Birdman: I'm not speaking to any of you ever again!
Blip's Ghost: Remember that Bonanza marathon we watched all night.
Peanut: Oh yeah, me and Phil both drink lots of caffeine that night.
David: Bonanza, is that that old show that featured cowboys.
Birdman: No, just because that ate pudding like cowboys doesn't mean they were cowboys.
Blip's Ghost: I had the biggest man crush on Lorne Green.
Phil: Remember when we used to make fun of Peanut for liking Sharon Stone.
Phil, Blip's Ghost and Peanut start laughing and David joins in to as Birdman stares.
David: Hey Blip, how's it like in Heaven.
Birdman: No more questions for the Monkey ghost.
Blip's Ghost: You know how they're three Godfather movies, in Heaven...there's seven.
Everyone except Birdman gasps in amazement.
Birdman: I don't care, I hated the Godfather trilogy I preferred "The Untouchables".
David: Seven Godfather movies, I mean, no offence, the first two were good but the third one...sucked.
Blip's Ghost: In Heaven, I've met Kurt Cobain...
Phil: Ooohh...Kurt Cobain.
Blip's Ghost: Princess Diana.
Peanut: THE Princess Diana!
Blip's Ghost: Harry Goz, John Ritter, Johnny Carson, most of the Bonanza cast except the Indians and Mary Kay Bergman.
Birdman: No you haven't.
David: That's awesome.
Birdman: No it's not.
Phil: Hey Blip...can you come home, and uh...be our dad.
Birdman: No, I'm your Dad!
Peanut: No you're not!
Birdman: You're right, I don't care.
David: Who's your Daddy?
David stops laughing hysterically.
Blip's Ghost: I've also met Dr. Worm...
Birdman: How's he going...doh!
Blip's Ghost: Good, thanks for asking Birdman.
Birdman: I didn't mean to ask that.
Blip's Ghost: Also I've met Vincent Price, I got his autograph.
Peanut: Found the picture...
Peanut shows a photo of Phil, Blip's Ghost and Peanut at the Red Carpet for the Emmys.
Blip's Ghost: I also got to do a drum solo with Johnny Cash and Eddie Guererro taught me how to do the Five Star Frog Splash.
Birdman: Are you rubbing it in?
Blip's Ghost: Maybe Birdman...oh, by the way...I saw your baby sister there!
Birdman: NOOO! I DON'T MEAN IT! MY SISTER, I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU!
Blip's Ghost: Yep, she's the cutest thing next to your suicidal ex-girlfriend you took out to the prom.
Birdman: Junior prom, and she didn't become suicidal until High School.
Blip's Ghost: I've also got a signed copy of the Blues Brothers script by John Belushi.
Birdman:(starting to get mad): You've...met...John...Belushi.
Blip's Ghost: Much nicer then his brother Jim Belushi.
Phil: I remember the first time we all met, when we went out to have a beer and you came by and paid our tab.
Birdman: He didn't pay my tab!
Phil: Because you didn't have a tab.
Birdman: Oh, right.
Blip's Ghost: Better yet, Ned.
Ned: Yes...
Cut to Ned with lumps all over his face.
Ned: Oh yeah, I'm fine...I just sprayed myself with ghost poison, don't worry about me.
Blip's Ghost: Let's all go out to Las Vegas, me, Phil, Peanut and...
Birdman: Yes?
Avenger: Caw.
Blip's Ghost: Reducto.
Reducto runs in.
Reducto: YES! I finally have a life!
Birdman: What?
Avenger: CAW!
They all walk off as Birdman stares at David Cross.
Birdman: Who likes you?
David: Well, lots of people like me and...
Birdman: That was meant to be an insult.
David: Oh...a rhetorical question?
Birdman: Yeah, I suppose, it doesn't matter, I'm going to sleep now.
Birdman starts sleeping. Cut to all the casinos as Blip's Ghost, Phil, Peanut and Reducto look around to the tune to that song that goes "Can't stop the beat, I won't stop". In this montage to the song, Phil is in rehab, while Peanut is in a strip club and is excited when a stripper gestures for him to come over, but is disappointed when "her" mask comes off revealing his a guy, Reducto is gambling while a mob fight is going on in the background and Blip's Ghost is in a night club partying while drinking, as the alcohol goes through him as people slip down to the ground. The song stops as it cuts back to the studio as Birdman is still sleeping.
Ned: So David...can you give me a couple of Mr. Show episodes.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: No.
Ned: C'mon.
David: C'mon.
Ned: No...oh, DAMNIT!
David starts laughing.
David: You can't get any Mr. Show tapes.
Ned: Any DVDs of it out.
David: Maybe, I don't know. I don't pay attention to these things, hahaha.
Birdman wakes up.
Birdman: That was a good 7 minute sleep.
Pause.
Birdman: What are you still doing here?
Avenger: Caw?
Birdman: No, not you...David Cross.
David: That's my name, don't wear it out.
Birdman: I will wear it out.
David: Try me.
Pause.
Birdman: David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross...
Ned: I'm so sick of that name now...I'm going to call you, John Billy.
Birdman: Who, me or David Cross?
Ned:(angry): D.C!
Birdman: Yes we all know Washington, D.C. is great but who are you going to call John Billy?
Ned: David Cross, are you happy?
David: Yes, I am.
Birdman: That's good, but who are you going to call John Billy!
Ned: David Cross, I'm going to call David Cross John Billy.
Birdman: Oh yeah, me too...hello John Billy.
David: Hello Birdman.
Birdman: How many John Billy does it take to John Billy a John Billy, John Billy?
Ned: Now I'm sick of THAT name.
David: Who's John Billy.
Birdman: I don't know, Ned never told me who he was going to call John Billy.
Ned: GRRRRRRRRRRR!
Ned explodes (literally!) in anger.
Birdman: Whoa!
The rest walk back in, Peanut with two eggs.
Birdman: How was Las Vegas?
Blip's Ghost: Good.
Phil: I got over my animal problems.
Peanut: I got two eggs.
Reducto: And I won Microsoft and CNN in a poker game.
Peanut's eggs start hatching as two robot dinosaurs come out and start pecking Peanut as Reducto runs off as David Cross disappears from the monitor.
Blip's Ghost: Oh no, we're doomed.
Blip's Ghost arises up to the Heavens as the robot dinosaurs start tearing Peanut limb from limb.
Phil: Peanut was right, dinosaurs were going to kill him at the end of the show.
Birdman: No, he wasn't. They're ROBOT dinosaurs, there's a difference!
Phil: Yeah, I suppose.
Peanut's dismembered body lies on the ground, dead as the robot dinosaurs come into each other and explode, destroying half of the set.
Birdman: Whoa.
Phil stares at Birdman, Peanut, Birdman, Peanut repeatedly until HE also explodes as Birdman looks on.
Birdman: Whoa...what A ending.
End credits.