Birdman Coast to Coast
Normal Music
(Cut to evil meeting ground as X, the Eliminator is meeting up with the FEAR group.)
FEAR Boss: X, we hired you 41 years ago to get the crest on Birdman's helmet.
X: Yes, I'm fully aware.
FEAR Boss: We need you to infiltrate his talk show and act as a spy to retrieve it. You were very close last time you infiltrated his talk show, then...you mucked it up by getting arrested.
X: But, uh...that was a prank, remember?
(Pause.)
X: Also I could've sworn you hired me 39 years ago.
FEAR Boss: Does it really matter?
X: Okay, it's your business...I WILL ELIMINATE BIRDMAN AND GIVE YOU HIS CREST! Away!
(X imitates a cape-waving effect as everyone stares.)
X: Or, I'll just go in my Commodore.
(Opening credits.)
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, band U2. That's it, just...the band U2. Here's your host...
(Set. Birdman crashes through the set.)
Birdman: BIRRRRDMAN!
Peanut: And Peanut.
Avenger: Caw.
Birdman: Avenger said hi, viewers at home.
Avenger: Caw caw.
Birdman: He also said to suck his...I can't say that on TV Avenger!
Avenger: Caw, caw.
Birdman: Oh, you can now. Okay. Bring out my guests the band U2 Avenger.
(U2 appear on the monitor.)
Birdman: Hello U2.
Lokar: Rock sockers.
Birdman: I know that we couldn't get your favourite band the "The Three Tenors" but, they asked me to rub their heads in mustard and French Fries and that they'll think about coming on the show.
Bono: Greetings universe.
Birdman: What's your first name?
(Pause.)
Adam Clayton: My name is Adam Clayton.
Birdman: I asked Bono what's his name.
(X appears on the monitor.)
X: Hello again Birdman!
Birdman: Hello, is this...my manager?
X: Uh, it's X, you know...the eliminator.
Birdman: Right, right...you caught me on a bad time here, could you wait until, uh...the show's over.
X: Of course, of course Birdman.
Birdman: Okay, Avenger get him off my monitor.
X: Guess again Birdman.
(Avenger pulls the level down and X disappears and U2 replaces him.)
Bono: My first name's Greg.
(Pause.)
Birdman: No it's not.
Bono: You're right, you're right it's really Paul.
Birdman: Okay.
Bono: But friends call me Bono.
Birdman: Okay, Paul...
Bono: Call me...call me Bono.
Phil: Ha, ha...boner.
Larry Mullen Jnr.: How you're going Phil?
Phil: Okay, okay.
Larry Mullen Jnr: Cool.
The Edge: Yeah, awesome.
Larry Mullen Jnr: My name's Larry Mullen Jnr.
The Edge: Mine's Dave Evans and his Adam.
Adam Clayton: Yeah, I'm Adam Clayton.
Birdman: Okay, we've gotten the introductions settled...
(Control room. Avenger is watching the show on the monitor.)
Birdman: (on monitor) Do you have an album coming out soon?
Bono: (on monitor) Do we have an album coming out soon, Dave.
The Edge: (on monitor) Only if you're good, Birdman.
(X disrupts the transmission on Avenger's monitor.)
X: Hello Avenger.
Avenger: Caw?
(Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: Quiet Avenger, I'm trying to conduct an interview here.
Lokar: Rock sockers.
Jace: Stop saying that!
Jan: Leave my boyfriend alone.
Lokar: Rock sockers.
(Cut back to the control room. X is searching through his stuff.)
X: Now, where's my brainwashing kit.
Avenger: Uh, caw?
X: Damn toolboxes.
(X pulls out a "Birdman Coast to Coast" Season One DVD.)
X: I haven't watched my bootleg Birdman Coast to Coast DVD yet, oh well.
(X throws it out. Cut back to the set.)
Bono: You see the Backstreet Boys were jealous!
Birdman: Fascinating.
Lokar: While we're getting old rockers, let's get The Rolling Stones won't that be a treat, a band of people who's older then Phil.
Birdman: Uh, yeah.
Lokar: If you didn't notice from my voice Birdman, I was being sarcastic.
Bono: They were jealous because...
Birdman: You're Irish?
Bono: Yeah, I suppose you can say that yeah...
Birdman: Are you a leprechaun?
(Lokar coughs.)
Bono: I'm...not a leprechaun.
Larry Mullen Jnr: Yeah.
The Edge: No, his not, his not a...whatever you said.
Birdman: I said leprechaun.
(Cut back to the control room.)
X: Listen Avenger, I've lost my brainwashing kit but I found my "Brainwashing for Dummies" book.
(X reaches out said book.)
X: It says here to click my hands and say what I want to say and...
(Avenger pulls the lever and he disappears from the monitor and the set replaces it.)
Birdman: (on monitor) I was having a brain freeze, which is way I was saying your leprechaun.
(Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: I tell you who's really a leprechaun.
Bono: Um...I don't know, enlighten us.
Larry Mullen Jnr: Yeah.
Birdman: Shado the Brain Thief.
Lokar: ROCK SOCKERS!
Birdman: You've been being whiney all night just because we couldn't get your band, you know what Lokar, you're a rock socker...because you're fired!
Lokar: What, but...this job is everyone to me.
Birdman: Get out your bags and leave by commercial break.
Jan: You can't fire my boyfriend! (while Jace is thinking) Birdman, you were out of line, you can't fire someone unless they do something wrong, you know what Birdman?
Birdman: (while Jace is thinking) What?
Jace: (thinking to self) Why can't she be mine...she's so pretty and smart, and her boyfriend is some locust that was once gay...
Jan: I quit!
Jace: Yeah, what?
Birdman: You can't quit on me Jan.
Jan: I'm going to see if I can finish my tell-all book on Space Ghost, and chapters about you Birdman...and, we were going to keep it a secret, but I'm also moving in with my boyfriend Lokar.
Jace: What? You can't do that!
(Jace stands up.)
Jace: I won't allow you!
Jan: To do what, write my book?
(Jace sits down.)
Jace: Never mind.
Birdman: Well, I'm disappointed that you've chosen to leave the show Jan but, the show must go on...Peanut?
Peanut: What?
Birdman: Search for two replacements for Jan and Lokar, until then Jace has to do all the music.
Jace: Oh great.
Bono: Did I forget to mention, how wonderful it is to be on your show?
Birdman: Yeah, you did forget.
Jan: C'mon Lokar, let's go.
Bono: It's very wonderful to be on your show.
Lokar: Lets, oh now I'll have to find a new job.
(Jan, Lokar and Peanut walk off back stage as X disrupts the transmission.)
Birdman: What now, X?
X: I want my demands to be met, I want a...
Birdman: That's great, Jace play us out to commercial.
(Pause.)
Birdman: Play as out to commercial, Jace!
(Pause.)
Birdman: Jace, hello...hello? Play us out to com...
(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the set as Birdman is tapping his cue cards then stops.)
Birdman: Welcome back to the show loyal viewers, if you've just joined us, U2 was shedding some light on Bono's Irish thing...uh, Avenger (sees X still on monitor) where's U2?
X: And I want a robot tailor and a confetti hotplate, oh and your crest and for you to be dead.
Birdman: I thought you were supposed to get rid of him on commercial.
(Cut to the control room.)
X: (on monitor) Also a little brother.
Avenger: Ugh, caw, caw.
(Avenger pulls down the lever as X disappears and U2 reappears. Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: Welcome back to the show U2.
Adam Clayton: Hello again.
Bono: Yes hello.
The Edge: Has anyone ever told you that you have one of those voices...
Birdman: One of those voices what?
The Edge: That sounds...really professional like.
Birdman: Thank you.
Larry Mullen Jnr: No, you're not pretty.
Birdman: I didn't say I was.
Larry Mullen Jnr: You're just not Birdman!
Birdman: Um...okay.
Bono: You hear that.
(Pause.)
Birdman: Um...okay. Yeah, um...I do hear that.
Bono: Yeah.
Phil: Birdman, how come...I'm not having any real lines tonight?
Birdman: Peanut didn't really have any lines.
Phil: But his doing something, I'm just standing here in this announcer booth by myself.
Birdman: Yeah, well...you're just an announcer; you announce things like who's on tonight, when it's commercial, when the show's over, what guests are next week. You know.
Phil: That's it?
(Pause.)
Birdman: Yeah.
Phil: Yeah, well...yeah.
Birdman: I hope that's settled.
Phil: Yep.
Birdman: Because, you know...I really need to get back to my guests.
Phil: Okay.
Birdman: You got your job now.
Phil: Yeah.
Birdman: Good, okay back to U2.
The Edge: Hey.
Birdman: Do any of you like cheese?
(Pause.)
Bono: I like cheese.
Birdman: Oh, you like cheese.
Bono: Cheese, cheese is okay.
Birdman: Jace play some "cheese music".
Jace: What's cheese music?
Birdman: You know, reggae type of music with...cheesiness.
Jace: Is cheese music even real?
Birdman: Probably not, just play cheese music alright.
Jace: Actually, I'm better on a saxophone.
Birdman: Oh whatever, play some cheese music.
Larry Mullen Jnr: Isn't cheese music that music, with, uh that...
Adam Clayton: Hippish feel to it.
Bono: I think so.
The Edge: Yeah, I think it is.
Birdman: That's what cheese music is Jace.
Jace: I can't do this, without Jan.
Birdman: Anyone can, okay.
Jace: Can what?
Birdman: Do it?
Jace: Could they do it without Jan?
Birdman: Anyone could work without Jan, because there's a chance people don't know Jan, so play some music.
Jace: Play some music...okay.
(Jace plays music by running around the band stand hitting stuff which projects an awful sound as everyone covers their ears, Jace then stops and everyone stops covering their ears.)
Birdman: That wasn't cheese music.
Jace: I don't know what cheese music is, okay!
Birdman: Okay, sure...whatever.
Larry Mullen Jnr: It's cool.
Birdman: Yeah, Jace.
Jace: Can we just lay off the whole cheese music thing, alright?
Birdman: Okay, okay...whatever you say.
Jace: Okay.
Birdman: So, um...Bono, on the whole leprechaun thing.
Bono: I'm not a leprechaun.
Birdman: His not a leprechaun.
(X disrupts the transmission.)
Birdman: What now, X?
X: Once I thou learn the address of your studios, I'll get a space taxi here so fast that when I get here, you'll think I'm a fly...a fly, who'll...get your crest and kill you.
(Dramatic music.)
Birdman: Yeah, yeah...tell someone who cares.
X: I have a friend who cares.
Birdman: Avenger, cut him off.
X: I'm afraid he can't do that an...
(X disappears from the monitor and U2 reappear.)
Birdman: That's a good bald eagle.
Jace: I can't believe Jan left and...
Birdman: Who are you talking to?
Jace: Uh...
Birdman: I'm just asking because you know...
Jace: Know what?
Birdman: Only crazy people talk to themselves.
Jace: I'm just sad.
Birdman: Sad that you're the only one here that's in the band, don't worry when Peanut comes back with the two new recruits you'll be happy.
Jace: It's...not that.
Birdman: Oh, is it now?
Jace: No, it wasn't that.
Birdman: Your Paris Hilton religion isn't working out...
Jace: Uh, no...I got kicked out for them realising I'm actually a guy, but that's not why I'm sad.
(Phil runs into the set wearing a doctor outfit with a clipboard.)
Phil: Is it constant erections.
Jace: No.
Phil: (during Jace's line) Ha, ha erections.
Birdman: Phil, what are you doing?
Phil: Conducting a test Birdman, is it diaherra Jace?
Jace: No.
Phil: Upset tummy...ha, ha kid's word.
Jace: No.
Phil: Talk-a-lot-proyosis?
Jace: No.
Phil: Jacuzzi rash?
Jace: No.
Phil: AIDS, Hepatitis, Up Syndrome, Down Syndrome, HIV...
Jace: No, no, no, no and no.
Phil: So it isn't some sort of condition that's doing you know any harm. Is it something heart-related then?
Jace: Yes, sort of.
Phil: My diagnosis is that his going to have a heart attack!
(Phil runs off, and slides down and puts his fingers in his ears.)
Birdman: Phil, what are you doing?
Phil: His heart is going to attack, itself or explode or something, ha, ha...confusion.
Bono: So, you don't know what cheese music is?
Birdman: Oh no.
Phil: Block your ears U2, someone's heart is about to explode!
Jace: My heart's not going to explode Phil.
Phil: Who's the doctor here, Jace?
Jace: Okay, but Dr. Ken Sebben, uh...
Phil: Call me Dr. Phil...
(Pause.)
Jace: Okay, Dr. Phil.
Phil: He said okay, that means his heart is going to explode!
Birdman: No it's not.
Phil: Didn't I tell you punk rockers to block your ears!
(U2 block their ears as they look at each other and giggle.)
Phil: Okay, that's better.
Birdman: I don't think U2 is a rock band either.
Phil: Then what is it Birdman, a circus, haha...clowns.
Birdman: Well, Phil...
Phil: That's Dr. Phil...
(Pause.)
Birdman: Isn't he that electrician?
Phil: No.
Birdman: Well Phil...
Phil: Dr. Phil!
Birdman: Dr. Phil, whatever!
Phil: You're fired Birdman from being a lawyer.
Birdman: What...that, that...that came out of left field.
Phil: No one makes fun of my name.
Birdman: I'm not making fun of your name, Phil!
Phil: There you did it again! It's Dr. Phil!
Birdman: Okay Dr. Phil, you're Dr. Phil okay. Now rehire me.
Phil: You suspect me to rehire you after what pain you've caused me.
(U2's ears are unblocked as they laugh hilariously.)
Phil: Stop laughing, you're still jealous because I'm pretty!
(Pause.)
Phil: I mean, your ears are not blocked you know.
Birdman: Okay, Dr. Phil.
Phil: Ken Sebben.
Birdman: Dr. Phil Ken Sebben.
Phil: Place the "Dr." part out because I resign my medical duties.
(Phil stands back up.)
Phil: Birdman is rehired as lawyer, U2 returns home safely.
The Edge: What?
Phil: Birdman rehires Lokar, Jan wants to get her job back, Peanut comes back. X stops disrupting the transmission and Jace isn't sad anymore. The End.
Birdman: Uh, Phil?
Phil: Yeah?
Birdman: Jan, Lokar and Peanut aren't back yet. Pfft, I don't know about X and Jace.
Jace: I'm still sad.
Birdman: Okay, I don't know about X...
(Pause.)
Birdman: Okay that solves everything.
(U2 disappear from the monitor.)
Birdman: Oh what now?
(Zorbird appears on monitor.)
Zorbird: Dad, how do I get out the bathroom?
Birdman: How do you get out?
Zorbird: Yeah.
Birdman: Well, you...you should know you're 11.
Zorbird: I'm 12.
Birdman: It's all good.
Zorbird: Oh now I remember, you left the instructions in the tub, okay see you dad.
(Zorbird disappears from the monitor and U2 reappear.)
Birdman: I suppose that's tied up nicely.
Jace: Except Jan is still gone from my life.
Birdman: Wait, what did you say?
Jace: Oh, nothing.
Birdman: No you said something about "Jan being gone from your life" or something like that.
Jace: Okay, I'm just mad okay.
Birdman: I thought you were sad?
Jace: Well, I'm a little bit of both how she can go out with that bug, quit the show and then announce she's moving in with Lokar.
Birdman: Oh, so that's tearing you up inside...
Jace: Yeah.
Birdman: Okay then, Phil...why do you still have that doctor outfit on?
Phil: Oh yeah.
(Phil tears off his outfit and his in his normal clothes now.)
Phil: Uh, brisk.
Jace: It's just that...that...I found myself in love with Jan.
Birdman: Yeah, I already know that.
Jace: Wait, how?
Birdman: You told us when you were in London.
Jace: Who do you mean by us?
Birdman: Me, Peanut, Avenger, Tony Blair and possibly Phil if he hadn't already left.
Phil: I don't remember hearing it, I probably left.
Birdman: Yeah, well, that was last week.
Jace: Oh yeah.
Birdman: Anyway, aren't you and Jan siblings?
Jace: Uh...no, why?
Birdman: Oh because I thought you were, if that were true...that'd be sick.
Phil: Yeah, incest relationships are just wrong...
(Peanut walks in with Birdgirl and Peter Potamus.)
Phil: Hello hot mama.
(Phil runs to Birdgirl.)
Birdgirl: Oh god, no dad.
Phil: Damn straight, I'm your daddy.
Birdgirl: I can't believe you still don't know who I am...God.
Phil: I can believe how hot you are, haha...flirtation.
Jace: That's it, I can't work here. I quit.
(Jace walks off.)
Peter Potamus: Hey uh...Birdman, did you get that thing I sent y...
Birdman: Just lay off it already Peter.
Peanut: These are the guys who will replace Jan and Lokar, Birdgirl's on saxophone. Apparently it was her major in music school.
Phil: Funny because my daughter went to music school and saxophone was her major. Haha consequence.
Peanut: And Peter's on acoustic saxophone.
Birdman: Acoustic saxophone? Well, I don't really care how silly that is but Peanut, what are you doing to do about the drum player?
Peanut: A guy was following me and was saying he was going to crack your head open with a drum, his right behind me...I'll hire him.
(Peanut points to X as dramatic music arises.)
X: It looks like we'll be seeing a lot more of each other Birdman...
Birdman: Oh great.
Announcer: Will X kill Birdman and get his crest, will Jan, Lokar and Jace get their jobs back and patch up their differences. Probably not, but I don't really care, I want to see what happens with Birdman and X.
(Cut to commercial. Cut to the set as the camera zooms in to Birdman.)
Announcer: When we last saw Birdman, he had just witnessed his stalker hired as a drum player for his bandleader's talk show band. Let's watch the exciting conclusion!
Birdman: So...X.
X: Yes, Birdman.
Birdman: How was your day?
X: Um, great...why?
Birdman: Good, you're fired.
Peanut: You can't fire him.
Birdman: I fired Lokar didn't I?
Bono: Yeah, his...
The Edge: Right on that account.
Birdman: What account, my robot tailor account, my confetti hotplate account or my bank account?
(Pause.)
Bono: Your bank account.
Birdman: Oh okay then.
Peter Potamus: So...did anyone get the things I sent him.
Everyone Except Peter: No.
Phil: Yes.
(Pause.)
Phil: I mean no.
(Phil walks closer to Birdgirl.)
Phil: So, want to go on a date, pretty woman?
Birdgirl: Um, no...I've got leg hair.
Phil: You can shave that off.
Birdgirl: And armpit hair.
Phil: You can shave that off as well.
X: Hey, Peanut?
Peanut: Yeah, what?
X: Can I uh...go to the bathroom?
Peanut: Oh yeah...sure.
X: Thanks.
(X walks off.)
Birdgirl: I've got...pubic hair!
(Pause.)
Phil: What's so bad about that, if it's so bad you can shave that off?
Birdgirl: Um, uh...
(Birdgirl takes off her shoe.)
Phil: What's that smell?
Birdgirl: Smell that infection.
Phil: You can go to the doctor to fix that.
Birdgirl: There's no breaking your spirits, is there?
Phil: You want a drink of spirits now?
(X is heard coming back, pushing something and grunting as he comes into view he is pushing the machine to get Birdman's power.)
Peanut: Neat machine.
(Dramatic music arises again.)
X: Birdman! Prepare to be destroyed!
Birdman: Oh great...um guys...
(Birdman looks over to U2.)
Birdman: We might call it a night this is going to go for a while.
Bono: Thank you Birdman for having us on your show.
Larry Mullen Jnr: Yep.
The Edge: Appreciate it.
Adam Clayton: A lot.
Birdman: Send them off the monitor Avenger.
(Avenger pushes off the lever as the FEAR Boss replaces U2 on the monitor.)
Birdman: Who's this person?
FEAR Boss: I want to see you when you destroy Birdman, X...uh...what's your name again?
X: X, the Eliminator.
FEAR Boss: X, the Eliminator, yes...destroy Birdman.
Peter Potamus: Did anyone get that thing I sent them?
Phil: Why don't you want to go out on a date with me?
Birdgirl: Well actually...
Peanut: What? Don't destroy Birdman!
X: Just let me turn on the machine.
(X pulls the lever on the machine as it loads up.)
X: Oh, c'mon...c'mon...c'mon!
FEAR Boss: Waste him X, waste him like you've wasted all this time!
(Pause.)
X: There's nothing about that metaphor I like.
FEAR Boss: Hurry up X, I'm late for my 12'o'clock.
X: Just wait a second, still loadin'...still loadin'...c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Peanut: The new band hasn't been here for 5 minutes and they have already caused an amount of chaos.
X: Okay, prepare for my deadly...
(X pulls up to "Vice Ray" with the lever.)
X: Vice Ray.
(The lever pulls itself down to "Miami Vice Ray".)
X: Make that Miami Vice Ray.
(The ray shoots out and hits FEAR Boss.)
FEAR Boss: X, you're a menace!
X: Oh, geez I'm sorry...I'm sorry.
(X pulls other levers and the rays take FEAR Boss off the monitor as it's replaced by a "Please Stand By" signal.)
Birdman: Well, not only did you take the leader of the group FEAR's powers, you got him off the monitor.
X: No, I'm pretty sure I killed him as well.
Birdman: Okay...so ah...
X: How many minutes has it been Birdman?
Birdman: Well, it's one minute before the show ends.
X: That gives me enough time to waste you to nothingness!
(X pulls the lever as the machine loads itself up again.)
X: C'mon, c'mon! C'mon!
Birdman: Well, look at the time...
(The power in the studios goes out.)
X: Damn it.
Birdman: Good night everyone. And until next time, drive safely and don't use drugs. Goodnight from us at Birdman Coast to Coast.
X: I'm not done with this Birdman! I'm not...I'm not at al...
(End credits.)