Birdman Coast to Coast
Hipsters Rule
(Cut to X talking to FEAR Boss who's on the monitor in the control room.)
FEAR Boss: What was that happened last week huh?
X: I'm sorry, it just shot out and...
FEAR Boss: No butts, this week...you will kill Birdman this week, even if it means to have dogs humping for like 5 minutes I...
(Cut to two live action dogs humping for a 1 minute. Cut to X in the control room.)
X: I will sabotage Birdman's show by running the third pilot, then while it airs I'll kill Birdman and personally hand you his crest.
Cyclo: I'm on the monitor you know.
X: What?
Cyclo: Wanna make out?
(X gets a tape.)
X: Anyway, the pilot is entitled "Hipsters Rule" made in 2000, Birdman thought this crud would never see the light of day...well he was wrong! Dead wrong!
(Cut to the dogs humping again for a brief pause. Cut back to X.)
X: Time to air the pilot.
(X puts the tape in the monitor as Lokar pops up humping the live action dog in the live action background for a split second. Cut to Lokar sitting on a comfy chair.)
Lokar: Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Lokar show, tonight I'll have sex with my compu...
(Cut to Lokar humping his computer for a split second. Cut back to the comfy chair.)
Lokar: Actually it's the third pilot Birdman made in 2000, where he acts like a hipster with Eminem, Dr. Dre and Busta Rhymes enjoy the show lover, kiss, kiss hug, hug...hump, hump, lick, lick, suck, suck.
(The credits for Birdman Coast to Coast run early. Cut to Lokar humping Jan.)
Jan: Oh my God!
Lokar: Roll film!
(Opening credits. Cut to X watching it from the monitor.)
Birdman:(crashing in) Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast.
Bob: Phil, you missed your cue!
(Opening credits, again.)
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, Eminem and Dr. Dre and Busta Rhymes.
(Birdman crashes in as it suddenly fast forwards it self cut to "PAUSE TRANMISSION".)
Birdman: My gues...
(Cut to Birdman wearing a blue cap backwards and basic urban-rap clothing as Eminem is on the monitor.)
Eminem: ...and I think it's mean that, animals...are treated that way. If, if I was a...an animal. Or a soccer mom, or both.
Birdman: Right.
Bob: Cut.
Birdman: What?
Bob: You're fine Harvey, you're Harvey, it's just that...I ain't feeling it.
Birdman: Why does the Cartoon Network want me to film a third pilot anyway if the pilots I made in 1994 and 1995 weren't good enough, why would it be good now?
Bob: I don't know ask Eminem.
Eminem: I think...
Birdman: Peanut, Phil, Avenger...you're all fired.
Phil: What?
Peanut: I need to support my family.
Birdman: You don't have a family.
Peanut: Yes I do.
Birdman: No you don't.
(Peanut walks out.)
Birdman: Okay Phil you're a hucklebones Winnebago something, I mean next.
Phil: Worst experience of my life.
(Phil walks out.)
Birdman: Okay, whatever...Avenger, off.
Avenger: Caw.
Eminem: My smash hit of 1999 I think was...
Avenger: Caw.
Birdman: Yeah, it was caw wasn't it?
Eminem: Caw.
Birdman: Yeah, caw.
Eminem: This show is stupid.
Birdman: Glad, you like it.
(Avenger flies off.)
Bob: Cut.
Birdman: What?
Bob: You fired the gang, why?
Birdman: Where have you been?
Bob: Uh, that's not important and...
Birdman: Because I only fired them because Eminem suggested that I did.
Eminem: Nah, I didn't.
Birdman: Yes you did.
Bob: You can't do the show your self Birdman.
Birdman: Why?
(Pause.)
Bob: Are you high?
Birdman: No, it's just that...
Bob: Because if you are I'll have to fire you.
(Pause.)
Birdman: I'm not high.
Eminem: Um, how much money is in...doing a talk show?
Birdman: A lot of money Slim.
Eminem: Uh...
Birdman: I can call you Slim right?
Eminem: Why not?
Birdman: Um, you were saying Bob?
Bob: You need to hire three replacements for Phil, Peanut and Avenger otherwise the hopes of having your own show, is kapoot Harvey!
Birdman: My name's Harvey!
Bob: I know it is.
Eminem: My name is, is uh...uh.
Birdman: I've got some great ideas for replacements.
Bob: What?
Birdman: The Galaxy Trio.
(Pause.)
Birdman: They're all dead, Birdman!
Bob: What?
Birdman: Whoops, did I say that out loud, I must be going crazy.
Bob: Yeah, well...yeah, The Galaxy Trio would never agree because there are having their own show where they hump dogs, you got that, a band of washed-up superheros humping dogs and we're all sitting here doing some tal...
(Cut to the Galaxy Trio all humping the one live action dog. Cut back to the set.)
Bob: ...k show we were are talking to some, some...yesterday's news.
Birdman: Um, what?
Eminem: Yeah, what?
Bob: He will be yesterday's news in 2007 Birdman.
Birdman: Really. I thought you told me before the show I was yesterday's news now.
Bob: Well that's why we got to jazz it up a bit, you're wearing the outfit clothing picked out for you, but you're not promoting all the network's sponsors.
Birdman: Really? I thought, that would be selling out...
Bob: Birdman, if you want this show to work you'll have to get new people for the show and also sell out! Everyone's doing it Harvey.
Birdman: Really?
Bob: Yes, you've done two pilots already and the show couldn't get off the ground, we gotta lift the "Coast to Coast" theme to something, hip, cool that all the teens are into.
Birdman: Teens are into humping dogs.
Bob: Not a chance...
Birdman: O...kay, teens are also into Zorak, Moltar and Tansut.
(Moltar, Zorak and Tansut walk in and take Avenger, Peanut and Phil's positions.)
Moltar: Hey.
Zorak: Hey.
Tansut: How do you do?
Bob: What, uh...how do you get here?
Moltar: Eminem gave us the signal that something was going on.
Eminem: No.
Birdman: Eminem, try out...Boost Mobile. Was that out in 2000?
Bob: What, it is 2000, point is what's going on, please...enlighten me.
Zorak: Right, we found out Birdman fired his crew for like, no reason and we found out he had to sell out and be all hip and urban so he can reach the teenage demographic, so...so I was thinking we come here and work things out.
Birdman: Eminem.
Eminem: Yeah.
Birdman: You tricked me.
Eminem: No, no I didn't.
Birdman: Maybe it's time you have a taste of my destructo-ray!
Tansut: Space Ghost's the one with the...the...destructo-ray.
Birdman: Shut up.
Tansut: I'm sorry, but...you can blast 'im but...
Birdman: But what Tansut, I have a ray, and it's a ray of justice, and that ray of justice is about to blow your brains out if you don't show the Hell up and further more...
(Birdman tries blasting Eminem but only spray comes out.)
Birdman: What the Hell is this?
(Birdman reaches out the Axe Body Spray.)
Birdman: Axe Body Spray, oh right...sponsor, get it while it's hot peeps. I can't believe this, peeps, okay and...
(Birdman aims to shoot Tansut but only Navy Accelerator pamphlets shoot out.)
Birdman: Damn you I'm not selling out Bob, it's the year 2000, people are not corporate puppets that are forced to sell stuff on a third pilot of something. For God's sake and further more...
(Cut to X watching it in on the monitor.)
X: God, and this show is now a pretty good-rating show...
(FEAR Boss disrupts the transmission.)
FEAR Boss: Waste him, waste him now X!
X: Just a minute, I want...I want to find out whether or not Birdman is high in this pilot.
(Cut to the set. Birdman is talking to Busta Rhymes on the monitor.)
Birdman: You know talking to a rap star like you, reminds of that...dreadful third pilot I made.
Busta: Really?
Birdman: Yeah, it kinda does Busta.
Birdgirl: You made a third pilot?
Peter: Oh, so that's how Harvey is so testy about how this show should go, his mad because it took three pilots.
Birdman: Luckily the third pilot is stored away, where it's ugly and terrible sight will never see the light of day...
(Cut back to the control room.)
FEAR Boss: Really, all that happened so far?
X: Yeah.
FEAR Boss: X, you're a menace and you're also worthless but I want to watch that third pilot, send me a tape.
X: It isn't finished yet.
FEAR Boss: Send me a tap...
(X pulls the lever on him as he disappears.)
X: What's up his ass, a Miami Vice ray?
Lokar:(on monitor) We'll be right back with the continuation of Birdman Coast to Coast, pilot three made in 2000.
(Cut to commercial. Cut back to Lokar.)
Lokar: Hello guys and dolls, Birdman Coast to Coast is back...also, yes Birdman was a little tipsy while filming this but he wasn't high. Go back to the third pilot, lover.
(Cut back to the set (on the third pilot) as Birdman is sitting there with a Boost Mobile in his hands.)
Eminem: So, Harvey.
Birdman: That's Birdman to you...
Eminem: Oh, oh...okay.
Birdman: I'm so drunk I can barf.
Eminem: Okay, just don't barf all over them, okay?
Birdman: That Lokar lied to me; he said this will get me a job. I'm still here filming a lousy pilot that won't get off the ground.
(Pause.)
Zorak: Boo! Boo! You suck!
Birdman: That was the joke I told in the second pilot.
Zorak: It wasn't funny in 1995; it ain't funny now, in 2000.
Bob: Okay and we're back from commercial and...action!
Birdman: Is that like bang, bang shoot 'em up action or my wife's cheating on me with the carpenter action, or both...or maybe it's time to talk to my guest Eminem.
Bob: The last one.
Birdman: The carpenter?
Eminem: Why are you wearing that cowl?
Birdman: What?
Eminem: What are you hiding exactly, Birdman?
Birdman: My Boost Mobile, it has downloadable features with low costs and fees. Where, you...at dog?
Eminem: I said...what?
Birdman: My Boost Mobile.
Eminem: Oh, you mean like that, that uh...
Birdman: It's a mobile that'll make you cool with your friends! Where YOU at dog?
(Tansut giggles.)
Birdman: What's so funny Tansut?
Tansut: You said dog?
Birdman: And what's so funny about that?
Moltar: Nothing.
Zorak: Yeah, it's cute.
Birdman: Have I even hired you guys yet?
Zorak: Poof, you've hired us,
Birdman: I bet Eminem never sent out a signal, I bet you found out from Space Ghost that I'm doing a third pilot and you wanted to be here to make fun of me!
Zorak: How did you know?
Moltar: Yes, how did you know?
Tansut: I came here for the food.
Zorak: Yeah, Tansut came here for the food.
Moltar: Me and Zorak come here to annoy you.
Zorak: And tease you.
Moltar: Because you're pathetic.
Zorak: Pathetic like Space Ghost.
Moltar: Ya creampuff!
(Moltar laughs while Tansut giggles.)
Birdman: That's just great, coming from people who's show is cancelled.
Zorak: It's on hiatus.
Birdman: And Tansut, you haven't been on the show for quite some time.
Tansut: What? That...that's not completely true, I'm doing some things.
Birdman: What things have you been doing?
Tansut: I have...I have been doing some yoga.
Birdman: Yoga, that's it?
Tansut: That takes up 17 hours of the day.
Birdman: And the other 7 hours?
Tansut: Sleep.
Birdman: While you do yoga and sleep, me Zorak, Moltar, Eminem and Bob are doing something important.
Zorak: Yeah.
Moltar: We're all disappointed in you Tansut.
Zorak: Ya creampuff!
Moltar: Yeah, ya creampuff!
Tansut: I thought we were friends.
Zorak: Not a chance.
Birdman: I'll be your friend.
Tansut: Really.
Birdman: When Hell freezes over.
(Cut to Hell as Satan is sitting on his throne.)
Satan: Is it just me or is it getting chilly?
(Hell freezes over. Cut back to the set. Bob is whispering in Birdman's ear and backs away.)
Birdman: Apparently, Hell has just frozen over well, what do you want to do Tansut?
Tansut: Disney World! Disney World!
Birdman: Okay, we're going to Disney World...when Heaven engulfs in flames!
(Cut to Heaven as God and Jesus are sitting next to each other reading a book.)
God: The work of Mozart is great.
Jesus: Indeed.
God: Is it me or is Heaven going to engulf in flames...
(Heaven engulfs in flames. Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: Damn, apparently Heaven engulfed in flames...I'll take you to Disney World, this weekend.
Zorak: Wuss!
Birdman: What?
Moltar: Creampuff!
Eminem: Gangsta!
(Pause. The music from "Sealab 2021" episode "Vacation starts playing as Birdman pulls out a Boost Mobile.)
Birdman: Get a new Boost Mobile, it's great, it's hip. And it'll make you a hipster! That's right, hipster. Because Hipsters Rule.
(Birdman pulls out an "Axe Body Spray".)
Birdman: Also get an Axe Body Spray, it's also cool. It'll make you a double hipster. If Hipsters Rule if you have a Boost Mobile, an Axe Body Spray will make you a double Hipster and double Hipsters Rule.
(Pause as music stops.)
Birdman: I'm a hipster.
Eminem: What?
Birdman: Yeah, I'm a hipster.
Tansut: Oh boy, Disney World!
Zorak: You are not a hipster.
Birdman: Want me to prove it?
Zorak: Yeah, I would actually.
Birdman: Cause I won't.
Moltar: You're a creampuff Birdman!
Space Ghost:(V.O): Yeah, creampuff!
Eminem: Who was that?
Birdman: Probably me.
(Pause. Eminem stands up.)
Eminem: I think I'll go off now.
Birdman: No you can't.
Eminem: This show ain't really working out for me.
Bob: Don't worry M, you're a natural.
Eminem: Nah, I'll be leaving now, leave my cheque on Dr. Dre's door.
(Eminem walks off.)
Bob: Okay, who's Dr. Dre?
Zorak: You don't know who Dr. Dre is?
Bob: No.
Zorak: Renowned rapper.
Bob: You need guys like that Harv, Moltar...get us on feed with Dr. Dre.
Birdman: Who said what about Dr. Phil?
(Dr. Dre appears on the monitor.)
Birdman: Because I'm a teenager facing abandonment.
Dr. Dre: Hello Birdman.
Birdman: You're black.
Dr. Dre: Right.
Birdman: Where's...where's your medical degree, Phil?
Dr. Dre: I don't, I don't have a use for a medical degree.
Birdman: Then...you're not a doctor?
Dr. Dre: No.
Birdman: Oh, that kicks the Elvis Presley. Well, what do you have?
Dr. Dre: This cap and a microphone I have stashed in my car.
Birdman: Get out and showcase your microphone.
Dr. Dre: My car, is really...it's parked very far away.
Birdman: Really, where?
Dr. Dre: Atlanta.
Birdman: Atlanta, really?
Dr. Dre: Oh, man.
(Pause.)
Birdman: Have you heard of Mentos?
(Pause.)
Birdman: It's good, good, good.
Dr. Dre: Nah, I'm fine man.
Birdman: Really?
Dr. Dre: Yeah.
Birdman: Okay.
Moltar: Boo!
Zorak: Yeah, boo!
Birdman: Don't boo the guest.
Zorak: We were booing you!
(Pause.)
Birdman: Oh really?
Zorak: Yes, we are now.
Birdman: Really?
Moltar: Yeah, you suck.
Birdman: Right and why would that be?
Tansut: He doesn't suck his taking me to Disney World!
Birdman: Tansut, that was actually a lie, I ain't taking you.
Tansut: Oh, then you do suck then.
Birdman: Okay, what is up with everyone tonight? Zorak, Moltar, Tansut...stop insulting me or I'll fire you; you are disloyal to your employer.
Bob: Don't you dare fire them! You fired Phil, Peanut and Avenger and look what happened?
Birdman: Eminem suggested that I fire them.
Bob: No he didn't.
Birdman: He was thinking it.
(Pause.)
Bob: No...he did not Harvey!
Birdman: Well, he was sending telepathic messages to my mind.
Bob: I know he wasn't, you're lying!
Birdman: Would I ever lie to you guys?
Dr: Dre: No he wouldn't.
Birdman: Damn straight Dr. Phil!
Bob: That's Dr. Dre.
Birdman: Well, at least he's a doctor.
Bob: He's a rapper.
Birdman: Really?
Bob: Yes.
Dr. Dre: Where you at dog?
Birdman: Boost Mobile.
Bob: Yeah, he's a rapper.
Birdman: Damn it, you know I was going to um, get my back checked.
Bob: Really?
Birdman: If he was a doctor.
Bob: But his not.
Birdman: No, he's a rapper.
(Brief pause. Cut to Jan, Jace and Lokar in bed in a threesome for a split second. Cut back to the show.)
Tansut: I banged a dog up the ass.
(Zorak laughs as Moltar stares at him.)
Zorak: HE SAID HE BANGED A DOG UP THE ASS!
Moltar: That's not funny; we could get cancelled before it even begins.
Zorak: Well, I banged Linda up the ass.
(Pause.)
Zorak: Actually, it was her sister.
Moltar: Zoltranerella?
Zorak: Yeah, whatever. I forgot.
Tansut: I also banged Space Ghost up the ass.
(Zorak laughs hysterically.)
Birdman: That's depraved.
Tansut: Where's my money?
Zorak: Say...say...say you banged Birdman up the ass, and I'll give you twenty more dollars.
Tansut: Okay, I banged Bir...
(Cut to "PAUSE TRANSMISSION". Cut to commercial. Cut to Birdman sitting in the desk with the monitor reading "Please Stand By".)
Birdman: Well, that's the end of the show, goodnight.
(End credits. Cut to X in the monitor watching the credits. Credits are written in "Japanese".)
X: Whoa, that was weird...
(X grabs the tape out.)
X: And to think, while Birdman thinks his show with Busta Rhymes has been airing, it's been this originally unaired pilot.
(Cut to the set where Birdman is interviewing Busta Rhymes.)
Birdman: And then for some reason...the credits were in Japanese.
Busta Rhymes: Really?
Birdman: And then...it ended. Man, some pilot.
Peanut: Maybe we should air it some time...
(End credits run backwards. Cut back to the set.)
Peanut: ...I mean, you know...something to laugh at.
Birdman: Peanut, I swear on my grave that that unaired crud will never see the light of day. Ever...ever...ever.
Peter: Where's X been all night?
Birdman: Yeah, I know...I thought he'd try to kill me or something.
(Cut back to the control room as FEAR Boss in on there.)
FEAR Boss: Is Birdman dead yet?
X: Um, no master.
FEAR Boss: And why not?
X: I was being distracted by the crappy 2000 pilot.
FEAR Boss: You will kill Birdman by the end of the night, you hear me, you will kill him!
(Jace pops up behind him in the "FEAR outfit")
Jace: I'll kill him.
FEAR Boss: Meet Jace, the new FEAR member.
X: Nice to meet you.
FEAR Boss: He will personally kill Birdman if you don't get the job done by tonight.
Announcer: Will X kill Birdman, or will it be Jace's job? Tune in after this commercial break.
(Cut to a distorted stand by screen reading "Waiting" for one minute. Cut back to the show.)
Announcer: We return to Space Ghost Coast to Coast where Space Ghost was talking to special guest Benji.
Space Ghost: And you're a dog.
Moltar: Space Ghost!
Space Ghost: What?
Moltar: You're talking to a blank screen.
Space Ghost: So it's not Benji.
Moltar: Nope.
Space Ghost: Damn...
(Cut to the Birdman crew dancing in a night club then cut to Space Ghost humping Lassie. Then back to the control room.)
Announcer: X was told he must kill Birdman by the end of the night or Jace will kill him, let's see what's happening right now.
X: I must kill Birdman, yes that's right, kill Birdman! Yes, I'll kill him, I'll kill him!
(X runs off. Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: So I was saying to myself that I should...
(X runs in with his machine.)
X: Birdman, prepare to die!
Birdman: That's where he is.
Phil: Ha, ha, bestiality.
(Cut to Phil humping Doggy Daddy.)
Phil: That's right! Dog, I'm still the alpha male! I am the alpha male! Ha, ha...hot animal sex.
(Cut back to the set.)
Peanut: Did you ever get over your animal problems Phil?
Phil: What problems?
(The camera views out revealing Phil humping Peter. Cut back to the set.)
X: Birdman, you will die!
(X shoots Birdman with his machine laser as he explodes.)
X: I did it! I did it! I killed Birdman!
(X runs off.)
Peanut: (crying) Wings up Harvey, wings up.
Phil: Damn.
(Birdman walks in.)
Birdman: Hey guys, what's going on with the...corpse of me...on the floor?
Peanut: I was about to ask you the same thing.
Birdman: Well actually I was away on vacation and so I used that Birdman clone from the seventh episode.
Peanut: Oh, that explains everything...I suppose.
(An alarm goes off.)
Announcer: PLEASE STAND BY FOR DOGGIE-HUMPING HOUR!
(Cut to two live action dogs humping for 30 seconds. Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: Ich bin nein end.
(Peanut kicks Birdman in the crotch. End credits.)