Birdman Coast to Coast
Sales from the Crypt Keeper
(Cut to Phil in the control room with the Crypt Keeper on the monitor.)
Phil: So you say I can get free long distance terms with Cryptikia Mobile if I get the deal now?
Crypt Keeper: Yes, my child.
Phil: So I can call Canada one day and say their chocolate mousse tastes like penguin pudding. Ha, ha...flapping heads.
Crypt Keeper: Whatever floats your boat.
(Avenger flies in.)
Phil: Oh Avenger, I want to talk to the Crypt Keeper some more.
Avenger: Caw!
Phil: C'mon.
Avenger: Caw.
Phil: I hate Joel Schumacher and Ralph Basaki.
Avenger: Caw.
Phil: I know that they're the guests tonight but...
Avenger: CAW!
Phil: Caw you.
(Phil walks off. Cut to the set.)
Birdman: Okay, Peanut...
Peanut: What?
Birdman: Have you seen The Phantom of the Opera?
Peanut: Why?
Birdman: Oh just because...we got the director here tonight.
Peanut: How come?
Birdman: Because some guy suggested it and...we put it in account.
Peanut: What guy?
Birdman: Some critic?
Peter: Jay Sherman?
Birdgirl: Of course not!
Birdman: Well c'mon everyone; let's get the show on the road...
(Phil is standing near the desk.)
Birdman: Phil, what are you doing?
Phil: I think I am...uh?
Birdman: Just go to the announcer booth okay?
(Opening credits.)
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, movie director Joel Schumacher and animator Ralph Basaki!
(Birdman drives in front of his desk with a go-cart.)
Birdman: I'm Birdman!
Peanut: Get off your go-cart!
(Birdman hops off to his desk.)
Birdman: Our first guest is movie director Joel Schumacher.
(Joel appears on the monitor.)
Birdman: Hi Joel.
Joel: Hello.
Birdman: Can I call you Joe?
Joel: Sure.
Birdman: Okay. You directed some films...didn't you?
Joel: I directed Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, The Phantom of the Opera...
Birdman: Batman...huh?
Joel: Yeah, what?
Birdman: Batman is dumb.
Joel: Really?
Birdman: He has no powers, where I do have powers.
Joel: Okay...
Birdman: See where I'm going with this?
Joel: I think so.
Birdman: Okay then.
Joel: Yeah.
Birdman: Well...I have solar powers.
Joel: Captain Planet had solar powers.
Birdman: You're lying aren't you?
Joel: Maybe.
Birdman: So back to Batman.
Joel: Batman had more enemies then you, you...Space Ghost.
(Pause.)
Birdman: I'm Birdman, not Space Ghost.
Joel: I was told, I was told...
Birdman: You were told what?
Joel: That you're actually Space Ghost.
Birdman: That's not true.
Peanut: Well you have been acting strangely Harv.
Birdman: Harv, as in Harvey...who's Harvey? Harvey Firestein?
Peanut: Uh, no...you.
Birdman: Oh of course, my name's Harvey.
Joel: Space Ghost.
Birdman: Birdman.
Joel: Birdman.
Birdman: Harvey.
Joel: Um, Harvey...
Birdman: That's my name don't wear it out.
(Birdman taps his cue cards.)
Birdman: Hey.
Joel: Are you on a ice cream diet?
Birdman: What?
Phil:(V.O) BUY CRPTIKA MOBILE!
Birdman: Are you saying I'm fat.
Phil:(V.O): HAVE YOU BOUGHT CRPTIKA MOBILE YET!
Birdman: What are you talking about Phil?
(Phil walks on the set with a Cryptika Mobile.)
Phil: It's a new awesome mobile.
Birdman: Really?
Phil: Yep.
Birdman: Where did you get it from?
Phil: Crypt Keeper.
Birdman: Who's this Crypt Keeper?
Phil: He gave me this mobile.
Joel: Are you or are you not on an ice cream diet?
Birdman: Is this mobile good or something?
Phil: Yeah, it's good.
Joel: Are you on an ice cream diet?
Birdman: Yes...I am Joel.
(Cut to X in an isolated cave filled with equipment and security cameras showing Birdman doing his interview on all the TVs in different angles.)
X: Birdman doesn't seem like himself in this series compared to his career as a lawyer...something's wrong! And I'm going to find out or I'm not Lokar!
(X pulls off his mask revealing his Lokar.)
Lokar: It's quite chilly in here.
(Cut back to the set as Apace Chief walks in.)
Birdman: Apache Chief! Welcome to the show.
Apache Chief: Thank you my friend.
(Phil is walking around in a unicycle holding signs saying "Buy Crytikika Mobile".)
Joel: Okay, about my movie Birdman.
Birdman: Phil, I want to get that mobile!
Peanut: So do I!
Birdgirl: Yeah, that mobile doesn't sound so bad.
Peter: Yeah, I want that!
(Pause.)
Birdman: Where's X?
Phil: I don't know.
Apache Chief: I think he would want one to...(dramatic music comes on) to kill Birdman...
Peanut: That's X alright.
Apache Chief: Imbecile! I am ...I mean yes it does sound like X.
Phil: TO THE SHOP!
(Cut to the shop with Birdman, Phil and Peanut waiting outside with the rest. Cut back to the studio as everyone has a mobile when X (or Lokar) walks in.)
Lokar: (as X) Say, how come everyone has those mobiles?
Apache Chief: (thinking with X's voice) Who is this joker, dressing up as me? (aloud and as Apache Chief) Because they're good.
Lokar: Really? How come I Lo...X didn't get one.
Apache Chief: (thinking with X's voice) Uh ha! It's Lokar! How dare he dress up as me...and why?
(The REAL Apache Chief walks in.)
Real Apache Chief: Hello my friends.
Birdman: How come there's two Apache Chiefs?
Phil: Wait...what?
Peter: (holding mobile) Who got that thing I sent them?
(The Crypt Keeper replaces Joel on the monitor.)
Crypt Keeper: You've just gotten your friends to join up? Excellent, time for the "extra" thing I told you about Phil.
Phil: You didn't tell me there was any "extra" thing!
Crypt Keeper: It was in the contracts you all signed!
Birdman: What is going to happen Crypt Keeper!
Crypt Keeper: Using the Crypitkita Mobile only costs 4 dollars a month...right?
Everyone: Yeah.
Crypt Keeper: I'm making it...FORTY MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH!
Phil: You harlot!
Crypt Keeper: I was just going to disappear...but I'm actually a dude, not a woman...and...away (disappears in a puff of smoke.)
Birdman: We were all played for chums.
X: (as Apache Chief) Arrest that fake Apache Chief!
Apache Chief: What?
(Cyclo comes rushing in.)
Cyclo: I came as soon as I could.
(Cyclo arrests Apache Chief.)
Apache Chief: But I'm the real Apache Chief! I'm the real one, the other one is the fake!
X: (as Apache Chief) Leave that to the courts.
(Joel appears back on the screen.)
Joel: Did I miss anything?
(Pause.)
Phil: Is there an animal pornography magazine anyway?
(Fades out on white screen. Cut to commercial. Fades in with white screen. Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: I can't believe it, forty million dollars a month?
Peter: It's just becoming a pyramid scheme.
Birdgirl: My dad is obsessed with having sex with animals?
Birdman: I have two mothers and two fathers, you're talking about weird?
Peanut: I can't believe it...I thought this mobile was meant to be great?
X: (as Apache Chief) I'm mad as well.
Lokar: (as X) As I.
(Ralph Bashaki appears on the screen.)
Ralph: Hello Birdman.
Birdman: Here's the animation director who directed such porn animation like, Fritz the Cat?
Avenger: Caw caw caw caw?
Birdman: Yeah I'm sure it's a porno.
Ralph: How are you going today Birdman?
Birdman: It's night Ralph.
Ralph: Okay.
Birdman: It's night.
Ralph: Really?
Birdman: Yeah...night.
Ralph: Night...
Birdman: Yeah, night.
Peanut: Ralph, we were cheated.
Birdman: Some gypsy Crypt Keeper gave us mobiles and then jacked up the price to an all time high.
X: (as Apache Chief) I need to go to the bathroom.
Birdman: And I need a smoke.
(Birdman grabs a cigarette and lights it and puts it in his mouth and puffs it and takes it out.)
Birdman: (with Scott Farrell voice) So Ralph, tell me about directing pornos?
Ralph: They're animated.
Birdman: (with Scott Farrell voice) Yeah I know...but they count, right...right?
Peanut: I thought you quit smoking?
(Birdman coughs and coughs and coughs.)
Birdman: (normal voice) Yeah well I'm Sp...Birdman.
Peanut: That's better.
Ralph: You know what a camel toe is?
Birdman: I'll stick my penis into a camel toe, especially a really hot one.
Phil: Haha! Sexual inneudo.
Ralph: What about my wife's camel toe?
Birdman: You don't have a wife?
Ralph: Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
Birdman: Really...a camel toe?
Birdgirl: STOP TALKING ABOUT CAMEL TOES! There's a girl present.
Peter: She's just mad because hers is bleeding.
Birdgirl: I thought that secret was safe with you!
Ralph: Do you have a dildo Birdgirl?
Birdgirl: No of course...not.
Birdman: That's not what I saw when I walked in your dressing room...
Birdgirl: Okay, that's the last time I tell anyone my secrets!
Birdman: But you didn't tell me...you walked in.
Birdgirl: Yeah...well, I told you to keep it a secret.
Phil: Birdgirl with her pants down...
Birdgirl: Dad, I can't believe you don't recognize me.
Phil: That's right, I'm your daddy.
X: (as Apache Chief) Look at what this animated porno-mad director has done to us!
Birdgirl: Yeah.
Ralph: Birdgirl, do you like guys licking your camel toe?
Birdman: I raped a cheerleader once.
Ralph: My God...Birdman...no.
Birdman: What?
Ralph: You destroyed her poor life?
Birdman: I didn't know what I was doing, it just happened in the "Ask the Big Banana" segment.
Ralph: BANNANA!
Birdman: You like turning things into sex jokes don't you?
Ralph: That's what she said.
Birdman: No she didn't.
Ralph: Okay, she didn't whatever.
Birdman: Who's she...exactly.
Ralph: Your wife?
Birdman: Gigi said that?
Phil: Gigi is my wife too you know!
Peanut: And my wife.
Peter: And my wife...I think.
Ralph: Gigi is a horse name.
Birdman: Yeah...maybe, in that damn movie.
Ralph: What movie?
Birdman: I think it's called "Gigi".
Ralph: Fritz the Cat?
Birdman: "Gigi" the movie, not that animated porn you directed.
Ralph: You ever masturbated in your life?
Birdman: Excuse me.
Ralph: Just asking because you know...
Birdman: Know what?
Ralph: I thought you knew?
Birdman: Well I thought I did.
Ralph: I'm sorry I asked that, that sort of stuff is kinda personal.
Birdman: What's up with your liking for...animated porn?
Ralph: I just direct it...uh, it's money.
Birdman: But why does it have animated?
Ralph: Animation is a love of mine.
Birdman: Really?
Ralph: And also sex.
(Pause.)
Birdman: Why you so obsessed with sex?
Ralph: Um...that questions relates back to when I was a child and...
Crypt Keeper: (appears on monitor) Tick, tock...tick, tock...tick, tock!
Birdman: Tick, tock what?
Crypt Keeper: It's now three minutes after midnight and it's the first of July...pay up, it's been the first month all ready!
(Birdman blasts Crypt Keeper off the monitor.)
Peanut: Now his asking us to pay him now just because it's now the first day of the month...that's it!
(Peanut grabs a bazooka and fires it at X (as Apache Chief) and the putty melts revealing it's X.)
Birdman: You're X the Eliminator!
X: Yes, and your phoney baloney X is none other then Lokar!
(X pulls off Lokar's mask as Lokar just stands there.)
Lokar: Oh...darn. I dressed up as a X so I could kill Birdman.
X: I dressed up as Apache Chief so I could kill Birdman as well.
Lokar: I'm now apart of the group "FEAR".
X: What...you are?
Lokar: I resigned as King of the Locusts though, Zorak took my place.
(Cut to Zorak on the throne.)
Zorak: I'm not a locust! I'm a mantis!
(Cut back to the set.)
Lokar: But he had to resign as secretary of state though to get the job.
Peanut: Really?
(Jace runs in with the FEAR uniform.)
Jace: Birdman, I'm gonna kill you!
Birdman: Is that you Jace?
(Ralph is replaced by the Crypt Keeper yet again.)
Crypt Keeper: Pay me Birdman, or I'll kill you!
(Dramatic sting.)
Birdman: How come everyone wants to kill Birdman, I mean me tonight?
(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the set as the Crypt Keeper on the monitor and also Jace, X and Lokar standing around Birdman with knives.)
Birdman: Okay, can...someone escort me out?
Phil: I would Harvey, but I'm getting my lawyer to come here to say if what the Crypt Keeper's done is legal.
Birdman: But I'm a lawyer.
Phil: And a ba...good one at that, but I need to get another one so your skills don't get overworked and rusty.
Birdman: Oh, okay...sounds reasonable.
Jace: Kill him now!
Lokar: FOR THE GROUP OF FEAR!
Crypt Keeper: For my right to rob him of money!
X: FOR THE CREST ON BIRDMAN'S HELMET!
(Pause.)
Lokar: But that's why me and Jace are going to kill him?
Jace: You mean me?
Lokar: Wha? We're a team.
Jace: Not since you stole Jan away from me.
Lokar: YOU'RE STILL ON THAT!
Jace: YOU'LL JUST TURN GAY AGAIN!
Phil: Just waiting for my law...
(Phil gets tackled by Falcon 7 (Phil Ken Sebben's original) as dramatic music builds up.)
Falcon 7 (Original Phil): (voiced by "Someone") How dare you take credit for what I taught Birdman in his superhero days! I'm the one who's over 100!
Peanut: Really?
Falcon 7: (coughs, then voiced by "Someone") Botox apparently makes men look younger then far. Also had laryngitis since 1999...just cured just by a cough...wow.
Phil: I haven't been entirely truthful, while the "Original Phil" was out now kanoodling with the deceased Original Galaxy Trio Galaxy Girl, and teaching Birdman, I was out being a teenager, then when I was 26, found the Sebben & Sebben Law Firm. I've been playing identity theft with my original "Falcon 7" for a long time now, it started when Falcon 7 wanted a clone of himself when he found out he became sterile...
(Falcon 7 tackles Phil again and they stop throwing punches as dramatic music plays while the Jace and Lokar also start throwing punches when the Crypt Keeper looks at Birdman.)
Crypt Keeper: While everyone's out on the open...I'm not what people think too...I'm...
(Crypt Keeper pulls off mask revealing it's Joel Schumacher and Ralph Bashaki conjoined.)
Joel & Ralph: (simultaneously) HELLO AGAIN BIRDMAN!
(X is ganging up on Birdman.)
X: I'M GOING TO GET YOU BIRDMAN!
Birdman: I'VE ALSO GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE!
(A giant eye spider "seen in the first episode of HB:AAL" explodes out of Joel and Ralph killing them and walks onto the set as the roof opens revealing Fran Drescher controlling the controls.)
Fran: Birdman, I'm going to kill you!
Birdman: That's the thing I'm not Birdman!
X: Who are you?
Birdman: It's a secret.
X: Really?
Birdman: Okay...I'm...
(Birdman pulls off mask revealing it's Space Ghost.)
Space Ghost: Okay...it's been me, all these episodes. Birdman doesn't even know he has a talk show, not even the fact he has a show where he's a lawyer.
X: That doesn't make sense, if you're Space Ghost, then who's the guy who is FAKING being you?
Space Ghost: It was my dad...
(The eye spider shoots lasers as Fran explodes revealing it's the Crypt Keeper under the skin.)
Crypt Keeper: Yeah, I was undercover as Fran Drescher...
(Space Ghost sneezes.)
Crypt Keeper: What's your point?
Falcon 7: I know why you're losing Phil, pneumonia's too strong?
Phil: Ha, ha. TV reference.
(The REAL Birdboy tackles Peanut and they start fighting.)
Peanut: BIRDBOY! THE REAL BIRDBOY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!
Birdboy: That's what they thought!
(Birdgirl looks over her shoulder and sees the Real Birdgirl.)
Birdgirl: No, it can't be true! I thought you were dead too?
Real Birdgirl: I faked my own death so I can get out of that hell-hole you call a home, my twin sister!
Peter: Glad my double ain't here.
(Peter's father walks up to Peter and smacks him over the head.)
Peter's Father: PLAYING IDENIDITY THEFT WITH YOUR BROTHER AGAIN!
Peter: I didn't mean it, it just happened!
X: Luckily, my exact double is dead.
Real X: (V.O) Or am I?
X: Oh crap.
(Cut to an outer view of the set as everyone is fighting. Cut to Chad Ghostal walks in with Leonard Ghostal.)
Chad: Tad, dad can't go around pretending to be you anymore, he just found out he had Up Syndrome and Talk-a-lot-proyosis.
Leonard: What?
Chad: Thankfully the Talk-a-lot-proyosis hasn't kicked in yet.
Space Ghost: Yeah okay, everyone knows now anyway.
Falcon 7: Why did you want my life?
Phil: You know I always wanted to be you, you were so cool and stuff but now I've realised I have my own dreams, of being a law firm boss and talk show announcer!
Real Birdgirl: You can't just go around pretending to be me just because I'm your twin!
Birdgirl: I don't know why I did it, I just always wanted to work with Birdman!
Peter: I did it Dad because I felt like it!
Peter's Dad: NO EXCUSE!
(Cut to the Whitehouse. Inside, Zorak is wearing a suit and is on his desk and Moltar walks in although instead of the usual "red-and-green" he is now gold.)
Zorak: Hey Moltar, how's it going?
Moltar: Well I spent all my money on metal suit coating.
Zorak: Looks cool.
Moltar: I'm now broke but it was totally worth it.
Zorak: Well, life as a secretary of state is a lot better then working for Space Ghost.
Moltar: I wonder if those fools on the Birdman Coast to Coast show have realised it's not actually Birdman but Space Ghost yet, and it's not Space Ghost but Leonard Ghostal?
Zorak: I don't know, so you're not the richest man anymore...you're broke?
Moltar: Yeah, that's what I came here to talk about
(Cut to everyone on the set beating each other up and things exploding. Cut back to the Whitehouse.)
Moltar: Birdman Coast to Coast needs to get off the air.
Zorak: Yeah why?
Moltar: Because...it's incredibly violent.
Zorak: So, it's also incredibly sexually-oriented but the FCC left them off on that just because of some "beautiful moment" between Lokar and Jan.
Moltar: I thought Lokar was gay?
Zorak: Well he was, now he ain't.
Moltar: Get that stupid Birdman off the air.
Zorak: Yes sir!
Moltar: Cool, that's all?
Zorak: Yeah...
Moltar: Cool.
(Cut to the set of the show as FCC SWAT Members crash in and put "Cancelled" stickers all over the set.)
Space Ghost: What's this all about?
FCC Swat Member #1: The government and the Master Emperor have declared the show has gone too far and so...we're cancelling you! You'll never be shown on television again.
Space Ghost: What? This is B.S. man! Total B.S.!
FCC Swat Member #2: Not according to the government...you'll be replaced with repeats of "Doctor in the House".
(Cut to the REAL Birdman flicking and then sees the Birdman Coast to Coast set with everyone stopped fighting as the FCC is packing everything up.)
Space Ghost: (on TV) That was once a great show I had.
Birdman: That's not right, I thought Space Ghost Coast to Coast got cancelled in 2004?
Phil: (on TV) Well Space Ghost...
Birdman: Phil, what's he doing there? And Birdgirl, and Peter, and Avenger...and that guy...the guy...who...is...the killer, guy...X? Is that his name, X?
Peanut: (on TV) Yeah, his right Space Ghost...it's Birdman's show, even though he probably doesn't know it because you stole it away from him.
Birdman: I HAD A TALK SHOW AND NO BODY TOLD ME THIS!
(Birdman runs off. Cut back to the set.)
Crypt Keeper: (walking up to Phil) So...where's my money?
Phil: What money?
Crypt Keeper: The money I was going to kill Birdman but found out is was Space Ghost for?
Phil: Oh, I was so sidetracked I didn't remember.
Crypt Keeper: Where's the money?
(Crypt Keeper explodes as Avenger flies out.)
Avenger: Caw caw caw caw, caw, caw!
Phil: Yeah, thanks for making him blow up; he was getting kind of annoying. And know we can have the mobiles without having to pay the damn guy.
Avenger: Caw.
Peanut: Thanks!
Space Ghost: Well, we got the mobile thing sorted out but what about the whole "being cancelled" thing?
Peter: I do not know!
(Cut to Peter's Dad holding on to Peter's leg.)
Peter: And my dad's just tired out after beating me.
Phil: That's right our doubles! Mine's dead.
Peanut: So is mine.
Birdgirl: My twin sister is just unconscious.
Chad: Whoa.
Leonard: Uh...we were yeah for how long?
Chad: 5 minutes.
Leonard: 5 minutes...and this is what we see! Violence, sex, coarse language and basically non-continuity, I know people who would be happy this show is now cancelled.
Space Ghost: Name one person!
(The REAL Birdman storms in.)
Birdman: I had a talk show, and Space Ghost basically hijacked it. I filmed three pilots, three pilots and you reckon smoking made YOU sound different! And this is what I get! A talk show with MY name on it and cancelled before I, the rightful host can at least be on MY OWN show for a brief cameo?
Phil: Well those dreams of having a cameo have been shattered, in case you haven't noticed...it's cancelled.
Birdman: Oh, I don't care...it's cancelled. Besides, I probably would've hated it.
Space Ghost: Hosting this type of talk show is a great experience.
Birdman: Oh.
Peanut: I got to host a couple of times. I think even Avenger hosted it at least ONCE.
X: How did you get here anyway?
Birdman: Space Taxi.
X: There's a Space Taxi now?
Birdman: Well how do you guys get here then?
X: Space Taxi.
Birdman: Okay.
Peanut: I got an idea to get the show back?
(A laser gets shot at Peanut but he ducks.)
Peanut: Cut it out eye spider.
(The eye spider walks over to Peanut and spontaneously combusts.)
Peanut: If we got our mobiles, hooked it up and turned back the clock and went back to when the show was pitched and then change history and tell Birdman.
Space Ghost: That'll mean that the space-time continuum would be ruined, meaning none of the episodes leading up to tonight's one never happened. It even means tonight's episode never happened.
Peanut: Exactly, it's the thing to solve our problems.
(Pause.)
Phil: Well, I want to do it, anyone else?
Birdman: Yeah, I'll do it.
Peanut: Me too.
Avenger: Caw.
Chad: Where are Jace and Lokar?
(Cut to Jace and Lokar sleeping at the bandstand.)
Chad: Why did you dress up as Birdman Space Ghost, what would you have to gain?
Space Ghost: My own talk show.
Peanut: Let's grab all our Cryptikia Mobiles.
(Everyone holds them up and hooks it up and presses a button as they disappear then appear again as everyone is back to normal and Birdman is sitting in the desk in his Birdman suit.)
Birdman: That was guest Fran Drescher talking about her show Living with Fran, and other things.
Phil: Hey Birdman.
Birdman: Yeah Phil.
Phil: You're fir...
(Phil runs over to see Zorbird as he looking at Phil.)
Phil: What are you doing back here Zorbird?
Zorbird: I'm here to tell my dad that...the whole world is mad that Birdman went back in time and changed history, now everything's changed. Gigi isn't married to any of you anymore; she's now married to Vince and Terry.
Phil: WHAT! That's it, we're going back!
(Phil grabs his phone as it explodes along with everyone else's phones as the Crypt Keeper's spirit rises from all of them.)
Crypt Keeper's Spirit: THEY WERE POORLY MADE IN KOREA!
Birdman: Well, I'm just glad I have my talk show...feels weird though.
Peanut: Even weirder, now that the whole timeline has changed no one else about us knows what happened. Wasn't it handy though that the Cryitikia Mobiles can send back in time if you hook up lots of them?
Peter: Yeah, it is.
Phil: But now none of us are married to Gigi!
Birdman: We'll work out all that stuff sooner or later, I'm just happy the past has changed for the better. Goodnight everyone.
(End credits.)