Birdman Coast to Coast
Viewer Mail
(Cut to the Mess Hall.)
Birdman: Mail's a-pilin'.
Phil: What mail?
(Pause as Birdman takes two sips of his coffee.)
Birdman: Over there.
(Birdman points off screen as the camera pans on all the huge stacks of mail.)
Peanut: Who'd write to us?
Birdman: Fans.
Peanut: Fans?
Birdman: And the FCC...mostly the FCC.
Peanut: Really?
Birdman: And we're going to answer it all tonight if it's the last thing I do.
(Opening credits.)
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, Christine Lee & Ed (someone) and Ryan Rosenberg and Sean Medlock.
(Cut to the set as Birdman flies in from the left and sits on the desk.)
Birdman: Hey fans, we have Christine Lee and Ed (someone) winners of the 2005 and 2006 Adult Swim's Have It Your Way Contest, proudly sponsored by Burger King. And the winners of the Haikuin' for Space Ghost contest, Ryan Rosenberg and Sean Medlock...all the way back in 1997 or 1996 or...something.
Offscreen Person: Nobody likes a Jew-hu.
Birdman: Okay Mel Gibson, we get it.
Phil: Uh, Birdman that's my cousin Neil, his anti-Semitic.
Birdman: His made out of ant semen?
(Five minute pause. Birdman looks over and sees Christine Lee on his television.)
Birdman: Hello Christine.
Neal: (walking in) Nobody likes a Jew-hu!
Birdman: SHUT UP!
Neal: Jews are made out of...
Birdman: SHUT UP!
Christine: Hello people at the Sunlight Studios.
Birdman: Hello there Christine, you won the 2005 Have It Your Way Contest didn't you!
Christine: Yes I did.
Birdman: On the adult swim, right?
Christine: Yes.
Birdman: And this is the 550th episode we've made, right?
Christine: Yes.
Birdman: Okay then.
Neal: What do you call a Jew after he rolls around in the mud?
Birdman: Oh for (BLEEP) sake, I don't know...what.
Neal: A dirty Jew.
Birdman: Phil, can you escort your cousin out of here or something. His going to make Standards and Practises mad.
Phil: Ugh yeah sure okay, I'll get rid of him. If I'm allowed to make out with Avenger.
Birdman: Avenger...muh-my Avenger?
Phil: Yes.
Birdman: Why Avenger?
Phil: Because I haven't got over my animal sex problem yet.
Christine: Wait, what?
Neal: I can have some juice.
Birdman: Oh yeah sure, juice at the top cabinet.
Neal: I didn't say juice boy I said "can I have some Jews" so I can kill them, (BLEEP)ing money-making Jewballs.
Birdman: Um...uh, there are no Jews at this set.
Christine: Where did that Peanut go?
(Cut to an empty keyboard pod as Birdgirl, X and Peter look down there. The camera zooms down below to an underground cave as Peanut is staring at an orb of fire.)
Peanut (thinking to himself): If that Neal finds out my deadly secret I'm done for. While I'm waiting for him to leave, I shall write a diary of my thoughts and the actions to pass time.
(Cut back to the set as Phil is completely naked, (specific areas blurred out though) setting on Birdman's desk.)
Phil: No sex from Avenger, no service.
Birdman: Um, have sex with Christine, she likes it.
Christine: I beg your pardon.
Phil: No, I'm only interested in your eagle.
Birdman: (cut to a close-up of Birdman) Um Phil shouldn't you be...are you masturbating?
(Cut to a shot of Phil from the waist up.)
Phil: Um...yes?
Birdman: Nah, Phil!
Phil: Sorry, I saw Avengers Gone Wild the other day.
Birdman: What? Listen...if I give you Avenger to...do anything you want with him, will you promised to escort your cousin Neal out.
(Cut to Neal hiding behind a wall off set as he comes back up with a fake Hitler moustache wearing the Nazi uniform.)
Neal: HEIL HILTER!
(Cut back to the desk.)
Phil: (Up close shot of Phil as he is lying back) Okay.
Birdman: (V.O) Did you do what I just thought you did on my face, because if you did, I need to take a shower. And I'll um, go to commercial, I'll go take a shower and I might actually get around to answering those viewer mail after the break.
Phil: Yeah sure okay...does anyone have a towel?
(Cut to commercial. Cut to an up-close shot of Birdman's face.)
Birdman: I come back from my shower and...Christine's gone!
(Cut to a huge Nazi flag backdrop behind Birdman's desk.)
Neal: (peering out of the flag) HEIL HITLER!
Birdman: SHUT UP!
Ed: Hello, I'm Ed and I won this 2006 Have It Your Way Contest on the adult swim
Birdman: Oh okay, first letter.
Ed: Um, are you interrupting me?
(Birdman grabs out a letter.)
Birdman: "Dear Mr. Birdman, why are you acting out of character so much along with everyone else?"...to answer your question...shut the (BLEEP) up.
Ed: I um, don't really appreciate being put in the background like you do to the rest of your guests Birdman.
Birdman: Next letter is from Crystal, "Dear Mr. Birdman, your show is (BLEEP)ed up and it doesn't make any sense at all. Please explain what it has lasted so long?" Okay Crystal, because it appeals to the college boys who like seeing men ejaculating on other men's faces, men having sex with animals, gratuitous male nudity and bleeped out swearing that'll make a sailor blush.
Ed: Birdman?
Birdman: Next letter is from some guy from the adult swim message boards, AHEM, "Dear Birdman, anime is teh s uck"...point noted.
(Cut back to Peanut underground writing notes down.)
Peanut: (thinking to himself) "I want pizza, I want it now, I want it now, I want that pizza bursting in my door right now"...man, that's great. Now I all need to do is mail this to some singer.
(Cut to Avenger lying on a bed, presenting as Phil is looking at him, naked, (still blurred)
Phil: Oh Avenger, finally I can have you to myself. All I need to do now is ask Birdgirl for a three-way with me and you and I'll bet set.
(Phil grabs out a boombox and starts playing the song "At Last" and Phil starts approaching Avenger as Avenger starts sweating. Cut back to the set as Neal is pacing back and forth screaming "HEIL HITLER".)
Ed: And that is why, I, I just don't like that opinion.
Birdman: About anime sucking.
Ed: Yes.
Birdman: Okay...
Ed: Why are you doing this viewer mail thing anyway, isn't that why you have that segment with Reducto.
Birdman: That segment did not test well and was cut out. People were falling asleep...I was falling asleep. That and that Ask the Big Banana. I've got an (BLEEP)load of unaired footage from those two segments. Want them.
Ed: No.
Birdman: One of the footage has Simon Cowell criticizing Chuck Norris' singing on American Idol.
Ed: Nah.
Birdman: No...Chuck Norris storms in and karate-icizes him.
Ed: Not in to that.
Birdman: Then what are you into then?
Ed: Anime.
(Slight beat.)
Birdman: Loser.
(Neal stops screaming "Heil Hitler".)
Neal: (stops pacing) Is it, or is it that I smell evil.
Birdman: Probably the chickens in the Mess Hall.
Neal: No I smell a Jewish person...(SNIFF! SNIFF!) Two Jewish people.
(Cut underground as Peter is with Peanut.)
Peter & Peanut: (singing in their minds) Skyrockets in flight...BOOM! Afternoon delight!
(Cut back to the desk.)
Neal: Nobody likes a Jew-hu!
Birdman: Neal you're getting on my last nerve. Where is Phil and why isn't he done with Avenger yet.
(Cut to a black-and-white shot of Phil (still naked and blurred) holding Avenger up against a table feeling Avenger's butt and kissing a nervous Avenger's neck. Cut back to the desk.)
Birdman: I just hope Avenger's okay.
Ed: That's it, I'm out of here.
(Ed walks off as the monitor goes into static.)
Birdman: I almost forgot that on a talk show you gotta talk to guests. X?
X: Uh, yes Birdman?
Birdman: Go to the control room and send in our next guest.
X: Okay Birdman, I will not fail you!
(X walks off. Birdman looks over at the monitor as Sean Medlock is on the monitor.)
Birdman: Mphm, what's your name?
Sean: My name is Sean Medlock and I won the 1997 Haikuin' for Space Ghost contest.
Birdman: Yeah, sure...okay.
Sean: I'm a big fan of your work.
Birdman: Oh uh thanks.
(Birdman looks at his watch and then grabs out another letter.)
Birdman: "Dear Birdman, I am a big fan of your show I love it, my favourite episode is the one you sucked off Zorak" AHEM! That's a pilot I rather forgot about.
(Cut to a split second of Phil back-dooring Avenger in the other room. Cut back to the desk.)
Birdman: Okay Sean.
Sean: Yeah.
Birdman: Um...superheroes wearing underwear outside the pants, crazy huh? I mean, when you become third-rate I'm sure your local McDonalds has an underwear goes inside the pants policy. I mean, am I right?
Sean: I suppose.
Birdman: This is the most boring episode ever...I mean guest-wise of course.
(An army tank drives itself into the set as it nears the desk and Neal hops out.)
Neal: HEIL HITLER!
Birdman: Oh shut up.
Neal: Nobody likes a Jew-hu!
Birdman: Hey what did you do to Birdgirl?
(Cut to Birdgirl's rotting corpse.)
Neal: Yeah, I kinda ran her over while getting here with my army tank.
(Silence.)
Neal: Nobody likes a Jew-hu!
Birdman: SHUT UP!
(Cut to Phil making out with Avenger as Phil starts back-dooring him again.)
Phil: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
(Cut to Avenger's shocked expression.)
Phil: Open wide baby, because here it comes.
(Cut back to set as Neal is pacing back and forth again.)
Neal: I smell two Jews...telepathically playing guitars to each other underground.
(Cut to Peanut and Peter playing the opening strings to "a rock song". Cut to Phil and Avenger lying in a messy bed.)
Phil: Was as good for you as it was for me?
(Cut to Avenger's shocked face.)
Avenger: Caw?...CAW!
Phil: (turns to face him) Just as long as you see it my way?
Avenger: Caw, caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw-caw...caw-caw.
Phil: I...I...I love you too Avenger.
(Cut to Phil (now clothed) and Avenger singing "I Got You Babe" at a karaoke joint as they run in a midst of flowers, spin around holding each other, Phil and Avenger at the movie theatre with Phil putting his arm around him and Phil and Avenger river-dancing, then ice-skating in the snow. Cut back to the set as they walk in holding hands.)
Birdman: (about to read a letter) De...well look who finally decided to show up, how was the two-week sex?
Phil: Pleasurable and along the way me and Avenger fell in love even after he was a bit reluctant.
Birdman: Well isn't that nice well, your Nazi cousin is still here.
Phil: Oh yeah, I'll go and get rid of him.
Birdman: You better.
Avenger: Caw-caw?
Phil: Yes I know I said...
Avenger: Caw-caw-caw!
Phil: I'll do it later.
Avenger: CAW?
Phil: Because he wants me to do it now.
Avenger: Caw!!!!
(Avenger flies up and starts pecking Phil and flies off.)
Phil: NO! NO! MY ONE TRUE LOVE!
Birdman: I thought you said Birdgirl was your one true love.
Phil: Oh yeah.
(Phil walks off.)
Birdman: But don't have sex with her, she's been dead for two weeks or...it doesn't matter.
(Birdman looks at his hand and then looks at the monitor as Ryan Rosenberg is on it.)
Birdman: Who are you and what happened to Sean?
Ryan: I'm Ryan Rosenberg.
Birdman: And you're a woman.
Ryan: Yeah.
Birdman: And Ryan is a man's name.
(Beat.)
Ryan: Yeah but...
Birdman: (singing) If I could escape, escape, I know I've been a real bad girl born and raised in a real bad world.
Ryan: That's not how it goes.
Birdman: Your face isn't how it goes.
(Beat.)
Ryan: What?
Birdman: FACE!
Ryan: Beg your...
Birdman: Ease the squeeze.
(The tank squashes the desk as Neal hops out.)
Neal: HEIL HITLER!
Birdman: Oh hush.
(Cut to Peanut hanging upside down underground.)
Peanut: (thinking to self) Day 15, I killed and fried Peter as my only source of food hiding for Phil's crazy Nazi cousin...if he founds out I'm a Jew I'm killed.
(Cut to Peter lying on the ground with only his torso.)
Peter: ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THE REST OF ME OR WHAT! I'M IN GRAVE PAIN HERE!
Peanut: (whispering) Hush little hippo (thinking to self) I feel like going to the bathroom...thank god I've got in-door plumbing.
(Cut to Space Ghost covered in crap stains below him.)
Space Ghost: (to self) Not again.
(Cut back to Birdman at the desk.)
Birdman: (singing) Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we all know Major Tom's a junkie.
Ryan: Why are you...
Birdman: (singing) There were times, lost a dream or two, found a friend and at the end was you, there's a path you take and a path not take, choice up to you my friend, life's along you might await to a brand new life, brand new life, brand new life around the bend.
Ryan: (beat) That's not how it goes.
Birdman: And how many times do I have to say it is!
Ryan: Why are you singing?
Birdman: To...to cover up the fact I've run out of things to say to my guests.
Ryan: Well, welcome Ryan might be a start.
Birdman: Oh okay, welcome Ryan.
Ryan: Welcome to the show.
Birdman: Welcome to the show.
Ryan: Okay, you're doing well so far.
Birdman: Okay, you're doing well so far.
Ryan: Stop copying me.
Birdman: Stop copying me.
Ryan: Seriously.
Birdman: Seriously.
Ryan: No I mean it.
Birdman: No I mean it.
Ryan: You're getting on my nerves.
Birdman: You're getting on my nerves.
Ryan: That's it, I'm leaving.
(Ryan walks off as the monitor goes static.)
Birdman: That's it, I'm leaving.
(Birdman gets up and starts walking until he bumps into Neal.)
Neal: Nobody likes a Jew-hu!
Birdman: Oh Jesus, hey Neal isn't the perfect race the Aryan race?
Neal: Duh.
Birdman: Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic.
Neal: Yeah.
Birdman: While you...have black hair, hazel eyes and is scrawny.
Neal: What are you saying?
Birdman: To make the perfect race, you kinda also have to get rid of yourself.
Neal: Oh my god, you're right!
(Neal grabs a pistol and aims it at his head and then pulls the trigger, blowing his brains out as lies on the ground.)
Birdman: Janitor, clean up in the set.
(A janitor with a Nazi symbol on his shoulder walks in.)
Janitor: (sings to tune of "I'm Blue") I hate Jews, dada dee dada, I hate Jews more then cleaning up spew.
(Birdman groans and grabs the pistol from Neal's hand shoots the Janitor straight in the head as his brains go lying on the floor.)
Birdman: Understudy!
(A man wearing a blue shirt and white pants walks in.)
Understudy Janitor: I'm a Mel Gibson fan!
Birdman: Oh (BLEEP), that's just killing the joke!
(Birdman grabs out a pistol again and shoots the Understudy Janitor.)
Birdman: (angry) ANYMORE ANTI-SEMITICS!
(X the Eliminator creeps in as Birdman shoots him.)
Birdman: Anyone else?
(Beat.)
Birdman: Where's that Peanut, I think he has Jew thing or something.
(Birdman walks up to the keyboard pod.)
Birdman: He just disappeared.
(Birdman looks down as machinery is heard as Birdman is being pulled down, screaming. Cut to Phil (naked and blurred) back-dooring Birdgirl's corpse.)
Phil: Yeah, take that you slut. Yeah, you dirty bitch...
(Phil then stops.)
Phil: Uh, she isn't any better then Avenger... I mean at least he was alive.
(Phil (still naked and blurred) walks off and up to Avenger in the control room.)
Phil: Avenger...are you still mad I didn't do what you wanted me to do but Birdman wanted me to get rid of my cousin?
(Cut to Avenger as he says nothing.)
Phil: C'mon baby, if you forgive me say something.
(Cut back to Avenger as he still says nothing.)
Phil: Oh...I see.
(Phil starts crying and runs off and runs to the set and slips on Neal's, Janitor's, Understudy Janitor's and X's corpses.)
Phil: My cousin's dead too? Oh this hasn't been my day.
(Cut to the keyboard pod as Birdman comes up wearing one of those Hawaiian neck things and holding a scotch on the rocks as disco lights are coming out.)
Birdman: C'mon everyone, Peanut's holding a party underground!
Phil: Why is he underground for?
Birdman: I don't know.
(Birdman goes back down. Cut back to underground as Phil (still naked and blurred) is dancing along with Birdman and Peanut as the episode's guests are on separate screens on robots dancing along as Space Ghost hangs in the corner with more crap stains than last time.)
Space Ghost: I just don't know why adult swim treats me like crap.
(Cut to the FCC spaceship from "Law Suite", subtitle: "FCC Headquarters". Cut inside as Master Emperor is inside with a guard.)
Master Emperor: Denote it.
(The guard presses the denote button as it launches missiles that heads to Sunlight Studios making it explode.)
Master Emperor: Excell...
(FCC Headquarters explodes. Cut to a spaceship with the Nazi symbol on it above where the FCC ship was, subtitle then appears reading: "Nazi Headquarters".)
Nazi Leader: Schneh-schneh topcoplakof!
Nazi #2: Jews are the cause of every war...
Nazi #3: HEIL HITLER!
(Nazi Headquarters explodes, and on above it is a ship with the "Star of David" on it, subtitle now reads: "Jew Headquarters".)
Jew Leader: So, we have finally defeated the Nazis, now...the world.
(Moses in pig-form walks in.)
Moses: Oh no you don't.
Jew Leader: Greg, stop eating that pig, Moses is here!
Moses: I shall destroy the world with global warming. Global is my middle name, warming is last...you know with my separating oceans trick.
Jew Leader: Yeah, okay, you can destroy the world with global warming.
(Moses pulls out two machines and starts shooting in the air.)
Moses: (BLEEP) yeah!
(End credits.)