Birdman Coast to Coast
Aired
(Cut to a big fancy law firm where Moltar is sitting talking to Lokar.)
Moltar: Okay, so you want to sue Birdman on the charge of...
Lokar: Unfairly dismissing me.
Moltar: Oh yeah, you got fired last season after a couple of episodes. That "Normal Music" was hilarious, well not really but the part you got fired was...
Lokar: JUST GET TO THE BLOODY POINT!
Moltar: Okay I'm sorry; this is my first day of being a lawyer so I don't know the kinks yet so um...
Lokar: Will you represent me or not?
Moltar: Um...uh...sure.
Lokar: Yes...everything's coming together.
Moltar: What's coming together?
Lokar: WHAT DO YOU BLODDY WELL THINK!
(Opening credits.)
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, the first ever live broadcast of a talk show in outer space with an array of stars and a hostess with the mostess or the host with the most, anyway here's...
(Cut to desk as Birdman smashes in.)
Birdman: Hello and welcome to Birdman Coast to Coast and it's a live show tonight, how can I prove it?
(Birdman flips the dirty bird.)
Birdman: (walking and sitting in his desk) Welcome my first guest tonight in this live broadcast, is wrestler turned actor turned rapper turned...John Cena!
John: (appearing in screen) Hello Birdman.
Birdman: Welcome John, are you feeling comfortable sitting on the almighty comfortable stool!
John: No.
Birdman: Oh.
John: Yeah.
Birdman: Okay.
John: Sure.
Birdman: Sure, okay...John Cena everyone, wasn't that a treat!
John: Are you...
(John disappears.)
Birdman: Our next guests are two members of the band Metallica, Kirk Hamitt and James Hedfeld
(Kirk and James appear sitting on two chairs together.)
Birdman: Welcome to the show.
Kirk: Thank you...
James: (overlapping) Yes, thank you...Space Ghost.
Birdman: (beat) Space Ghost?
(Birdman blasts them off the screen as it cuts to Burt Ward.)
Birdman: Burt Ward, everyone!
Peanut: Did you just kill Kirk Hamitt and James Hedfeld?
Birdman: No Peanut, they're just severely injured. You got that?
Peanut: Um, I suppose?
Burt: I got it.
Birdman: Good Burt's on my side...aren't you Burt?
Burt: Yes I am.
Birdman: Everyone I just made up a song in dedication to Burt Ward in supporting him...AHEM (singing) My little pony, my little pony.
Burt: That's kind of a girly product.
Birdman: You're a girly product!
(Birdman blasts him off screen replacing him with Adam West holding his book from the SGC2C episode "Batmantis".)
Birdman: That book is as old as you.
(Birdman blasts him off and replaces him with Matt Groening.)
Birdman: Weren't you on this show before?
Matt Groening: Yes I was.
Peanut: Did you just severely injure Adam West and Burt Ward?
Birdman: No Peanut, I had a tea party with him...wait hold on.
Matt Groening: My comic strip Life in Hell...
Birdman: Enjoy your life in Hell.
(Birdman blasts him off screen and is replaced with Seth MacFarlane.)
Birdman: Do you want a tea party, Mr. Seth MacFarlane creator of Family Guy, American Dad, The Winner (cut to Seth looking on and back to Birdman) guest voice on Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Pitts, was on The War at Home had a bit on one of the Star Trek series and so on and so forth.
Seth: Um...okay...what was the question?
(Birdman blasts him off and he is replaced with Steven Wright.)
Peanut: How many guests did you book tonight?
Birdman: Um, so far we've had 7 out of 30 guests booked tonight.
Steven Wright: On my way to Atlanta I passed by a pass called, called 70/30 productions.
(Beat.)
Birdman: Who's this joker?
Steven Wright: I'm Steve...
Birdman: I didn't ask for your life story.
(Birdman blasts him off replacing him with Mike Myers and Dana Carvey.)
Birdman: TEA PARTY!
(Mike and Dana look at each other and then laugh as Birdman blasts them off replacing them with Jason Bateman.)
Birdman: Hey it's that Bateman that was on Family Ties, do you want a tea party with me?
Jason: I was on "Valerie".
Birdman: Oh...I must have you mistaken for someone else.
(Birdman blasts him off replacing him with Gary Coleman.)
Birdman: It's Gary Coleman everyone, say Gary, whatacha talking about Willis?
Gary: (BLEEP) you.
(Gary walks off.)
Birdman: Um...what did I say that was wrong?
Peanut: Did his swearing get bleeped on a live broadcast?
Birdman: No, it might seem that way, but he really did say (BLEEP).
(Birdman looks over and Seth Green is on the monitor.)
Birdman: Creator of Robot Chicken everyone!
Seth Green: Hi.
Birdman: Creator of Robot Chicken, do you want a tea party with me?
Seth Green: Sweet, cool...I'm down with that.
Birdman: Oh Creator of Robot Chicken, you make me happy.
Seth Green: Sweet.
Birdman: Creator of Robot Chicken, did you bring a teapot?
Seth: No.
Birdman: You sadden me Creator of Robot Chicken.
(Birdman blasts him off. He is replaced with Robin Williams.)
Birdman: OH HOLY (BLEEP) (BLEEP) CRAP DAMN WHORE SLUT BITCH FAG FAGGOT (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP).
Peanut: Birdman!
Birdman: HOLY MOTHER OF (BLEEP) it's him!
Peanut: Birdman.
Birdman: What?
Peanut: It's live.
Birdman: I know that Peanut, but (BLEEP)ing Robin Williams I thought we were getting that (BLEEP) Robbie Williams.
Peanut: Birdman.
Birdman: What?
Peanut: Live.
Robin: Hello Birdman, I'm really happy to be on this little show of yours.
Birdman: And so you should...say Robin, are you up for a tea party?
Robin: Yes I brought a teapot and everyone just in case, I...I would be asked that.
Birdman: OH MOTHER OF (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP)! He even brought a teapot...and everything,
Robin: Should we just set up now or?
Birdman: Yes let's.
Robin: Oh crap, I left it in my car sorry.
Birdman: Oh okay go to your car then.
Robin: You see that's the thing, my car's all the way back in LA I left it with um, a friend.
Birdman: Oh...I see, you give me a glimmer of hope and you crush it down again...goodbye Robin!
(Birdman blasts him off the screen as he is replaced with Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla.)
Birdman: Who the Hell are you two!
(Jimmy opens his mouth as Birdman blasts them off the screen as they are replaced with Wayne Brady.)
Birdman: Oh a black guy, fun!
Wayne: Hey Birdman, I had a talk show...
Birdman: Could you give me some advice!
Wayne: It's cancelled now so...
Birdman: Oh.
(Birdman blasts him off the screen and he is replaced with Paul Westerberg.)
Birdman: I...
(Paul tears off his microphone and puts it to his mouth.)
Paul: (yelling to microphone) (BLEEP) YOU!
(Paul walks off.)
Birdman: He didn't have to be so rude, sheesh.
(John Flansburgh is on the television.)
John: Hello.
Birdman: It's John Flansburgh of "They Might Be Giants"...so are they are not?
John: (staring) What?
Birdman: This is a talk show, not a stare show.
John: Beg...beg your pardon.
Birdman: T-a-lk show not be-g show.
John: Oh okay.
Birdman: Oh...
(Beat.)
Birdman: I know it's a talk show but that doesn't mean it has to be always boring!
(Birdman blasts him off the screen. He is replaced with Matt Maierello and Dave Willis.)
Birdman: Ladies and gentlemen, the creators of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Matt: Hey Sunlight Studios.
Dave: Sup' Brak.
Brak: (off screen) I'm down with that.
(Birdman looks off-stage.)
Birdman: What was that?
Brak: (off screen) Uh...um...uh...
Birdman: What?
Matt: Um.
Birdman: (looking at Dave) Or what?
Dave: We just came here to promote...
Birdman: You promote nothing!
(Beat.)
Brak: (off screen) I'm actually Space Ghost.
Birdman: Space Ghost?
Brak: (off screen) Yeah, that's it! Space Ghost!
(Birdman blasts Brak off-screen.)
Matt: Whoa Space Ghost, man...
Dave: Yeah Space Ghost, man...
Birdman: My name's Birdman, not Space Ghost man.
(Birdman is about to blast the screen when they are replaced with Moltar.)
Birdman: Moltar, I don't remember booking you.
Moltar: That's cause you didn't. Now Space Ghost man.
Birdman: It's Birdman.
Moltar: Yeah, whatever...Lokar's suing.
Birdman: Suing for what, I gave him everything he needed!
Moltar: Everything except love and...money.
Birdman: Oh...
Moltar: And unfairly dismissing him.
Birdman: Listen you're ruining my show so uh...
Moltar: So what?
(Long beat.)
Birdman: Good point there...since when were you a lawyer anyway?
Moltar: Since 10am but I think I know all to work things lawyer-style.
Birdman: Well last time I checked, I'm a lawyer too so...
(Birdman stands up hitting a light bulb like in HB: AAL's "Deadomutt Part II".)
Birdman: I'll take the case!
(Phil walks over to the desk.)
Phil: Hey Birdman.
Birdman: Oh...hi Phil.
Phil: So um, my pants very like they're going to break apart.
Birdman: What?
Phil: So yeah...about that.
(Cut back to Moltar on the monitor, Lokar then joins him.)
Lokar: That man unfairly fired me.
Birdman: Lokar...
Phil: My pants are going to break...
Birdman: Phil.
Lokar: Phil.
Birdman: Birdman.
Phil: Lokar!
(Phil's pants break apart as everyone stares for a long time.)
Birdman: I haven't noticed before but Phil's pretty well-hung.
Moltar: Oh...my...God! Wardrobe malfunction!
Lokar: Oh I like what I'm seeing.
Birdman: I thought you were straight now?
Lokar: Nope, now I'm bi.
(Cut to a wide shot of the Birdman Coast to Coast as Birdman faces the camera as Phil is holding Avenger to cover up his partial nudity.)
Birdman: We'll be back with more Birdman Coast to Coast Live, after these ad breaks!
(Cut to Matt and Dave lying on grass in a live action background staring up at the sun.)
Matt: How did we get from Birdman Coast to Coast to here?
Dave: Don't ask I think I'm a in state of being in a coma while awake.
(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the set as Phil is now holding Birdgirl to cover his shame, down the bottom a watermark reading "Live" suddenly appears.)
Birdman: So I have to that watermark to remind people this is live.
Bob: (over plug in Birdman's ear) Yes.
Birdman: Oh okay, welcome back viewers to Birdman Coast to Coast Live!
Lokar: Birdman!
Birdman: What?
Lokar: We're still suing.
Birdman: We know...
Phil: Birdman!
Birdman: What!
Phil: (now holding X) I had a wardrobe malfunction.
Birdman: We all know damn it!
Phil: Okay, just reminding you.
Birdman: And thanks to you the FCC wants us cancelled...for the umpteenth time!
Phil: It's not my fault they're dicks.
Birdman: WHAT!
Phil: I said it's not my fault they're pricks.
Birdman: Don't say that!
Phil: No see, I said it's not my fault they're pricks and dicks.
Moltar: Okay bird (BLEEP), see you in court.
Lokar: Yeah, bird (BLEEP) and bring your Momma so me and Moltar can (BLEEP) her.
Moltar: No Lokar, that's not really something people want to do, they joke about it though.
Lokar: No I'm serious; I want to (BLEEP) his Momma.
(Cut to Avenger watching this in the control room and then switching it to "The Mighty Boosh" episode "Old Gregg the Funky Merman" to the watch the full "Love Games" song starting from Howard saying: "Maybe...I could love you". Cut back to the desk.)
Birdman: Our next guests are Greta van Sustern, Courtney B. Vance and Stephanie March.
(Cut to all three on the monitor.)
Birdman: You were all on this show before weren't you?
Courtney B. Vance: Guilty as charged.
Birdman: Sorry, no return guests!
(Birdman blasts them as they are replaced with U2.)
Birdman: U2, we've met before haven't we?
Bono: On this show, I'm sure.
Birdman: Another set of return guests, sheesh.
(Birdman blasts them off as they are replaced with Will Ferrell.)
Birdman: Will Ferrell! Now I know you were on this show before!
(Cut to Avenger watching all of the "The Yeti Song" from "The Mighty Boosh" episode one from season two. Cut back to the desk)
Birdman: Phil, what are you doing?
(Cut to Phil with a censored sticker over his penis.)
Phil: It's to cover my naughtiness.
Birdman: Yeah, okay...
(Cut to Christine Lee from the last episode on the screen.)
Christine: Hello...
Birdman: UGH, RETURN GUEST!
(Birdman blasts her off and is replaced with Ed.)
Birdman: UGH, ANOTHER RETURN GUEST!
(Birdman blasts him off as he is replaced with Sean Medlock.)
Birdman: ANOTHER RETURN GUEST!
(Birdman blasts him off as he is replaced with Ryan Rosenberg.)
Birdman: Get off my monitor!
(Birdman blasts her off as it goes into static.)
Birdman: Well, that was my roster of guests I had tonight.
Peanut: What have you against return guests?
Birdman: I don't know, it just seems gimmicky to say "here's U2, they're been on the show before but we love 'em".
Peanut: Oh okay.
(Cut back to Avenger as he stares at the screen as he starts drooling and starts floating off. Cut backstage as officers from the "FCC" run in.)
FCC Officer #1: I'm getting pretty (BLEEP)ing sick of raiding these studios.
FCC Officer #2: I (BLEEP)ing know, I (BLEEP)ing know. So, what do you plan to do tonight?
FCC Officer #1: I don't know, it's pretty (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)sville tonight.
FCC Officer #2: Yeah, (BLEEP) Christ.
FCC Officer #1: Did you just say (BLEEP) Christ?
FCC Officer #2: No I said Jesus Christ, I have no idea why (BLEEP) was just censored.
FCC Officer #1: Yeah, okay bitch.
(Cut back to the studio.)
Birdman: I love eating Cleveland steamers...
(Moltar disrupts the static and appears on the monitor.)
Moltar: That's it, we're suing right now!
Birdman: Okay, do it.
Moltar: You do it, I got over 30 guests on the line complaining about their treatment on the show.
Birdman: That means horse (BLEEP)!
Peanut: Birdman, live.
Birdman: I could've sworn it was censored though.
Peanut: Well, it wasn't...
Birdman: No? Cause...I heard a bleep.
Moltar: Yeah, I heard a bleep too.
Peanut: Yeah whatever, (to self) Just that your both (BLEEP)ing deaf.
(Phil walks in still with the censored sticker.)
Phil: I don't even know why we decided to do the show live.
Birdman: Because I had an appointment next taping.
Phil: Oh.
Birdman: Okay.
Off-screen Woman: Oh Moltar, splooged yet.
Moltar: You'll know when it hits your mouth now keep sucking, Linda!
(Cut to a one minute shot of just Moltar face up.)
Moltar: Okay you're done.
Linda: (V.O) Oh, it tastes so good.
Moltar: My semen tastes like sauce.
Linda: (V.O) No just regular semen, all sticky and that's the way I like it.
Moltar: No it tastes like sauce I've had it before!
(Beat. Lokar walks in the monitor.)
Moltar: Let's change the sub...
Lokar: We're set to go to court tomorrow right?
Moltar: Yeah.
Jan: (V.O) Have you splooged yet Lokar?
Lokar: Oh honey, you'll know when it hits your mouth. Just keep sucking.
(Cut to a one-minute face shot of Lokar with his eyes closed then he opens it.)
Lokar: Okay, you're done.
Jan: (V.O) Oh it tastes so good.
Lokar: My semen, it tastes like honey.
Jan: (V.O) No just regular semen, all sticky and that's the way I like it.
Lokar: No it's honey, I've had it before.
(Beat. Avenger floats in and starts singing in caws to the tune of "The Yeti Song" off "The Mighty Boosh" as everyone else becomes hypnotised and starts dancing and also start singing the song they spin around and all now in hippie clothes, Lokar, Moltar Jan and Linda are now in the studio also singing and dancing in the hippie clothes as the two FCC officers run in.)
FCC Officer #1: Get the (BLEEP) down on the floor!
FCC Officer #2: Well, it looks like someone put them all in trance, be careful partner or they'll put as in a trance it's what they do before they rape you.
FCC Officer #1: Okay, I'll just block it out, but...what about you partner?
FCC Officer #2: Don't worry, my mind's like a (BLEEP)ing fortress!
(FCC Officer #2 walks off, the FCC Officer #2 is now in the hippie clothes and dances and sings along with the rest, as FCC Officer #1 then spins off and joins them, they all then suddenly take their clothes off and get into a orgy along with Birdgirl, Peter and X joining them. The "Live" watermark disappears. End credits.)