Birdman Coast to Coast
Sex Ed
(Cut to Birdman, Phil and Peanut in the mess hall.)
Birdman: Listen, Bob said we have to do an educational episode on sex this week.
Peanut: Why?
Birdman: I don't know, because the FCC wants us to show viewers that things like oral sex, anal sex, premarital sex, masturbation, erections, bestiality, incest, group sex, ejaculation, rape and necrophilia are serious subjects and not things you can joke about on a show on 3am rated TV-MA on a block called "[adult swim".
Phil: (laughing) Pff...you said "serious".
Peanut: Oh, okay.
Birdman: Yes we brought out Paris Hilton, Brenda Hampton and Jenny Jones.
Phil: I know who Jenny Jones and I definitely know who Paris Hilton is, but who's Brenda Hampton?
Birdman: I don't know, some creator of some show that deals with Christian issues a lot.
(Opening credits.)
Phil: (V.O over opening credits) Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, Paris Hilton, Brenda Hampton and Jenny Jones on tonight's show and now here's...
(Cut to the set as Birdman smashes through the set as a man on a ladder paving the hole that Birdman constantly smashes through every week falls down on the ground and then Birdman lands on him and stands on him.)
Birdman: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, I'm here to talk about sex...baby. With Paris Hilton, Brenda Hampton and Jenny Jones. Why sex? Because you and me baby ain't nothing but mammal so let's do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.
(Peanut, X, Birdgirl and Peter play a bit of the instrumental part of the song "You and Me Baby Ain't Nothing But Mammal So Let's Do it Like They Do it on the Discovery Channel" until Birdman walks over to the desk and sits on the chair.)
Birdman: Please welcome my first guest, she was in the slammer and sucked some guy's cock in a tape, please welcome Paris Hilton.
(Paris appears on the monitor.)
Birdman: Paris, now that's a pretty name...
Paris: Why thank you, that's hot.
Birdman: ...for an ugly woman.
Paris: What?
Birdman: I mean, I knew your "looks", is that the word, are overrated but damn (BLEEP) son your ugly.
Paris: Why are you being mean to me?
Birdman: Because it's about time someone tried...to be mean...instead of saying how pretty you are.
Paris: I...
Birdman: What happened to that Chihuahua of yours anyway?
Peanut: Birdman, aren't you meant to be talking about sex with her?
Birdman: Oh yeah...you sucked some guy's cock in a tape that was all greeny weren't you?
Paris: I beg your pardon.
Birdman: I mean, your ugly man, the guy was more attractive then you. And I'm not gay...
(Zorbird flies from the air and lands on the desk as Birdman looks at him.)
Birdman: ...much.
Repairman: (still on the ground) Ow, can someone please help me up?
Birdman: Who are you?
Repairman: (stands up) The repairman that has to fix the hole you always make a hole through week after week after week, just so next week you smash through it again for some (BLEEP)ing introduction.
Birdman: Um...are you okay?
Repairman: Oh yeah, ladder smacked me in the face and in the groin and you stood on the side of my stomach but other then that yeah I'm fine.
Birdman: Oh...good.
Repairman: (looking over at the monitor) Is that Paris Hilton?
Birdman: Yes that's "Look at Me I'm so Hot".
Paris: I don't insult you don't you...
Repairman: Hey, she is hot.
(Cut to Phil sitting naked on the desk holding Zorbird.)
Phil: Yeah she is hot isn't she?
Birdman: Were you molesting him when I wasn't looking.
Phil: No, I was looking to have my way with Paris and I molested him to pass time.
Zorbird: He touched my no-no's.
Birdman: Oh Phil, you're a paedophile too now?
Phil: I'm a lot of things and mysterious. Because of the eye-patch. Eye-patch also makes me look cool.
Birdman: Why do you have that eye-patch?
Phil: Funny story, you know how they say don't look directly at your penis while masturbating.
Birdman: No.
Phil: (overlapping) Don't.
Birdman: Yeah, okay...Phil. Great advice. That's topical sex...don't look directly at your penis when you're jerkin' it. Otherwise, your splooge will hit your eye and blind you.
Repairman: Listen, I won't press charges on you causing my injury by smashing in through the roof...if I get to screw Paris Hilton.
Phil: Me too.
Zorbird: Me too.
Paris: Me too.
(Birdman looks around. He then taps his cue cards.)
Birdman: Repairman, you're like what 56.
Repairman: 69 and that's exactly what I'll do to Paris Hilton if you allow me to.
Phil: Me too.
Zorbird: Me too.
Paris: Me too.
Birdman: And Zorbird, you're only 13...or 12...or something young.
Zorbird: No, no...I'm ready!
Birdman: You are not.
Zorbird: No...no...Mom said he lost his virginity when he was 9.
Birdman: That's human years, in mantis years that's like...9.
(Beat.)
Birdman: You're still not (BLEEP)ing Paris Hilton, understand. In fact, one will (BLEEP) her. I have strict rules about people in the set (BLEEP)ing guests. Understood.
Paris: No, no...I want too.
Birdman: Okay, go ahead Phil, set repairman and Zorbird. You can stick all three of your dicks inside that overrated slut.
Paris: WHAT?!
Birdman: Oh now Ms Slut rejects...(BLEEP) her anyway.
(The Repairman strips himself and takes off his clothes as he jumps on the monitor.)
Birdman: Whoa, whoa, whoa...no screwing the monitor. Here's the address of the studio she's from live via satellite
(Birdman hands the repairman a post-it as Phil follows the repairman away from the studio. Zorbird then joins them, now naked (blurred though, also Phil and repairman's nudity is blurred).)
Birdman: Well that's all the time we have with Paris Hilton now we have...
(Cut to Phil, the Repairman and Zorbird inside the monitor with Paris as they jump on her. The monitor then goes static. Birdman looks on and blinks twice.)
Birdman: Well that's all the time we have with Paris Hilton, now please welcome creator of the cancelled 7th Heaven, Brenda Hampton.
(Brenda Hampton appears on the monitor.)
Brenda: Hello Suninites.
Birdman: Excuse me there...Suninites?
Brenda: Yeah, I thought you were taping on the sun.
Birdman: Wait...hold on...hold on...hold on. Oh yeah, we do...oh (BLEEP), I forgot my sunscreen, to the sunscreen parlour!
(Beat.)
Birdman: Avenger.
(Avenger flies in and craps on Birdman's face as Birdman starts wiping it all over his skin.)
Birdman: Whoa, this is good sunscreen Avenger's producing.
(Cut to Brenda's shocked face.)
Brenda: Did you just put bird (BLEEP) all over your skin?
(Cut back to Birdman, covered in Avenger's white poop.)
Birdman: If by bird (BLEEP), you mean "damn that's some good (BLEEP) that bird is producing through his ass...which...which is sunscreen".
(Beat.)
Birdgirl: Ms Brenda Hampton...
Birdman: AVENGER! More sunscreen!
(Avenger craps all over Birdman's face again as he wipes it on himself.)
Birdman: I got hooked on this stuff in the service.
Birdgirl: Here's something that involves sex, I'm the token girl in this show and all the guys around me have boners.
(Cut to X and Peter looking at Birdgirl with boners.)
Birdgirl: And my dad who thinks I'm someone completely different wants to (BLEEP) me to the sun shines once again.
Brenda: Guys are interesting specimens aren't they?
Birdman: Oh we not that different...now Avenger, more ass sunscreen!
(Avenger moans.)
Peanut: I don't have a boner over you Birdgirl.
(Peanut stands up and it is revealed, he too has an erection.)
Peanut: Now move it I need to go to the bathroom to uh...make something cry...yes that's it.
(Peanut walks off.)
Peanut: (V.O) Through my penis.
(X and Peter quickly follow him.)
Birdgirl: Even Avenger has a boner over me.
(Cut to Avenger as his naked boner is blurred because he wears no clothes.)
Birdman: Listen Birdgirl, if it makes you feel any better.
(Birdman stands up and walks over to Birdgirl too console her.)
Birdgirl: Don't touch me you got bird defecation all over you...and you also got an erection.
(Cut out to reveal he has an erection.)
Birdman: Boner, it's a boner.
Birdgirl: Whatever, the point is I can't be taken seriously when all the guys around me have extension programs in their pants.
Birdman: I wear spandex.
Birdgirl: WHATEVER!
Birdman: I like spandex, so shoot me why not?
(Cut to Birdgirl with a gun.)
Birdgirl: Okay I'm ready, are you ready?
Birdman: That was just um, a figure of speech.
Brenda: Whoa, whoa...put the gun down.
(Birdgirl places the gun down near the keyboard.)
Brenda: Now you don't like how you're not treated seriously.
Birdman: This sucks.
(Birdman faces towards the desk and starts walking towards it as Avenger is lying on the top, sweating.)
Birdman: More ass sunscreen!
(Avenger just pants.)
Birdman: Oh...you need some pickles to get you going?
(Birdman grabs out a jar of pickles and puts it all in Avenger's mouth as he quickly gets back up and craps all over Birdman and then he gets back to the position he was before.)
Birdman: You know we can be millionaires with that rare sunscreen of ours. We need to sell it all over the streets, I tells ya! It'll give me more money then that...lawyer job I had.
(Avenger quickly gets up shocked.)
Birdman: Yep, that's right...way more money.
(Birdman grabs Avenger and puts him on his shoulders and proceeds to walk off set until a sick Phil, Zorbird smoking a cornpipe with a robe and a naked Repairman walk in.)
Birdman: What the Hell is going on? What are you three doing so soon after...46 minutes, whoa that only seemed like three or two or something?
Birdgirl: You spent most of that time putting bird crap all over yourself. In fact, guest Brenda Hampton left while you were feeding Avenger pickles just so you can get that (BLEEP) all over yourself
Birdman: It's not bird crap or bird (BLEEP), it's ultra rare bird's ass sunscreen okay, that's what I'm calling it now, because it's marketable. Me and Avenger are going to start a business.
(Avenger groans.)
Birdman: Now what are you three doing back?
Phil: I've got crabs.
Zorbird: I'm a man.
Repairman: I'm a choo-choo.
Birdman: Huh...I wonder if Peanut, X and Peter are finished masturbating in the stalls yet?
(Cut to a bathroom stall full of Vietnamese people as Peanut and X are sitting next to a Vietnamese man (wearing a eye patch) as Peter walks in to watch, as the Vietnamese man puts a gun on the table as suspenseful music builds up.)
Vietnamese Man: Giddy maw! Giddy maw!
Peanut: Don't blame us for looking directly at our penises when we were jerkin' it.
(Cut to commercial. Cut to the desk with a sign in the background that says "Ultra Rare Bird's Ass Sunscreen", as Avenger sits on the desk.)
Birdman: Listen Avenger, Phil's in the hospital.
(Phil's lying on the ground.)
Phil: I'm right here Birdman.
Birdman: The point is he has crabs!
Birdgirl: I didn't even know who you could get really sick from crabs.
Birdman: Well you can, PHIL'S THE EVIDENCE!
Birdgirl: Do you even know what crabs are?
Birdman: Yes...um...crabs.
Birdgirl: Pubic lice, he obviously got it from Paris Hilton.
Birdman: That disease ridden slut. Where was I, oh yeah...the point is we need to sell as many of these to pay for that surgery so Phil can get rid of his crabs.
Birdgirl: It's pubic lice; they have a special kind of shampoo for it.
Phil: Ha, ha! Poo
Birdman: So we need to sell...all our sunscreen to our next guest which is...
Birdgirl: Jenny Jones.
Birdman: Who or what is Jenny Jones?
Birdgirl: She's your next guest.
Birdman: Great Avenger, send her in!
(Avenger looks at him.)
Birdman: Birdgirl, send him in!
Phil: (V.O) Her.
Birdman: Birdgirl, send him in!
Birdgirl: (with Phil's voice) Her...
(Beat.)
Birdgirl: (normal) I've been working my dad, uh, Phil impression.
(Birdgirl looks on and quickly runs off, Jenny Jones appears on the screen.)
Birdman: We're now here to talk to Jenny Jones about sexual intercourse.
Jenny Jones: (laughs) What?
Birdman: The sex...what about moustache rides what's up with them?
Jenny Jones: (laughs) Excuse me.
Birdman: Jenny, have you ever given away moustache rides.
Jenny Jones: I do not fully understand what's going on here. Can someone please...?
Birdman: Crabs.
Jenny Jones: Um...excuse me, what?
Birdman: Phil has grabs.
Phil: (this time it's really Phil) Crabs.
Birdman: Grabs, so um...I need to sell this sunscreen so we can pay for surgery to exterminate those little (BLEEP)ers.
Jenny Jones: And...?
Birdman: You want some?
Jenny Jones: Sure, you can never be to sun-protective.
Birdman: Yep, you just can't, can't you?
Jenny Jones: Nope.
Birdman: Yep, that's the truth.
Jenny Jones: Where does it come from?
Birdman: Avenger's ass.
Jenny Jones: His ass.
Phil: Birdman, I'll be in the hospital.
(Phil quickly runs off. Repairman falls in as a doctor pops out.)
Doctor: The repairman is now a vegetable we have him on life support.
Birdman: A vegetable, what caused him to be a vegetable?
Doctor: Um...um...uh...
(Cut to a sheet the Doctor is holding that says "Every Hole is a Goal".)
Doctor: Every hole is a goal.
Jenny Jones: What?
Doctor: Whoops, I mean...
(Doctor switches to the other side.)
Doctor: Oh here it is: Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really rough sex.
Repairman: I'm a choo-choo.
Birdman: Okay, where's the chord?
Doctor: All the way back in the hospital.
(Cut to the hospital as Phil runs in, trips over the cord as the cord gets pulled this way and lands on the really old, fat woman from "The Devlin Made Me Do It" of HB:AAL.)
Phil: Ha, ha. Monogamy.
(Cut back to the set.)
Doctor: As his boss, you have the choice whether or not to pull the cord.
Birdman: Doesn't he have family?
Doctor: No.
Birdman: Girlfriends, boyfriends, Lokar?
Doctor: No...they all died in the plane crash on the 9th day of the 11th month.
Birdman: Even Lokar?
(Cut to a shot of a dead Lokar.)
Doctor: (V.O) Especially Lokar.
(Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: So now I have to pay for Phil's surgery AND decide whether or not a man lives or dies.
Doctor: Yeah.
Birdman: Well.
(A group of people holding signs like "Don't Kill Off Another Character", "Let This Vegetable Expire With Dignity", "Ownage".)
Protesters: BIRDMAN, DON'T PULL THE CHORD, BIRDMAN DON'T PULL THE CHORD.
(Another group of people run in holding signs like "His Already Dead, in the Inside, where the Food Goes", "Nobody likes Vegetables" and "We've Run Out of Sign Gags".)
More Protesters: PULL THE PLUG, PULL THE PLUG, PULL THE PLUG!
Birdman: How the Hell did all these people hear about this.
(Cut to a shocked Doctor.)
Doctor: You...you can't pin this on me, I'm innocent!
(The Doctor runs off. Cut to the control room as Birdgirl is handling it as Zorbird walks up to her.)
Zorbird: Birdgirl, I've been seeing how you've been handling the controls, how about you handle my controls, don't worry, it won't go off in your face.
(Beat.)
Zorbird: It won't go off in your face.
(Beat.)
Zorbird: It won't go off in your face.
(Beat.)
Zorbird: Don't you get it?
Birdgirl: I get it, I just don't think it's funny or witty, and it also doesn't turn me on.
Zorbird: So you would say, you're offended?
Birdgirl: No, it's just not funny or witty nor does it make me horny.
Zorbird: Listen, Birdgirl ever since I lost my virginity to Paris Hilton, I feel like I could screw every woman I want, and I want to screw you, in to the wall...after I (BLEEP) you.
Birdgirl: What makes you think that?
Zorbird: My brain, so don't make a liar out of it.
(Cut back to the set as the protesters are fighting and killing each other while destroying the set.)
Birdman: So Jenny, you still want some sunscreen.
Jenny Jones: Well not after you told me where it comes from.
Birdman: Oh fine, be that way...you discriminate me then!
Jenny Jones: Aren't you going to do something about those protesters.
Birdman: They'll all kill each other soon enough.
Jenny Jones: Oh okay...then.
Birdman: So...you sure you don't want this kickass sunscreen.
Jenny Jones: Absolutely not.
(Silence.)
Birdman: That's just racist.
(Cut to Birdgirl in the same room as Zorbird still.)
Zorbird: Behold...my nudity!
(Zorbird takes off his clothes as he is now nude (though blurred).)
Zorbird: Do you like what you see?
Birdgirl: Child porn much?
Zorbird: Child porn? I'm a man.
Birdgirl: OH! So, man porn then.
(Cut back to the set.)
Jenny Jones: Are all the protesters dead yet?
Birdman: Well, not all of them, there are three males left though.
(Cut to the end of the set as three other male protesters remain as the rest are dead.)
Male Protester #1: Do...do you feel flaccid?
Male Protester #2: Yeah...I feel flaccid.
Male Protester #1: Yeah me too, I also feel flaccid. Jim, flaccid?
Jim (Protester #3): Yep, I so totally feel flaccid.
Male Protester #1: Most definitely, flaccid.
Male Protester #2: Flaccid!
Jim (Protester #3): Exactly, I thought I was the only one that was flaccid.
Male Protester #2: It's embarrassing to admit, but...yes...I am flaccid.
Male Protester #1: I know you're flaccid, I asked you if you were flaccid and you said "Yeah, I feel flaccid", so yes, I know you are in fact, flaccid.
Male Protester #2: Oh, I forgot. That I just said I was flaccid, sorry everyone for repeating myself.
Jim (Protester #3): Repeating yourself about what, being flaccid?
Male Protester #2: Yeah, being flaccid.
Male Protester #1: Okay, we're all flaccid.
Male Protester #2: Yes, we're all flaccid.
Jim (Protester #3): Yep...flaccid as the day God made me.
Male Protester #1: You've been flaccid all your life, I mean...
Jim (Protester #3): Haven't you guys been flaccid all your lives too, or, at one stage you weren't flaccid and then in one point you became flaccid.
Male Protester #1: Well I became flaccid when I was 20, feeling flaccid ever since so...I don't know how long Ross has been flaccid.
Ross (Protester #2): Yeah, around 20 was the age I started feeling flaccid, Jacob.
Jacob (Protester #1): Okay, so we can all agree...we're flaccid.
Ross (Protester #2): Yep flaccid.
Jim (Protester #3): Like I said before, flaccid as the day God made me. In which God made me flaccid.
Jacob (Protester #1): You know what sucks about being flaccid...is the fact you're flaccid.
Jim (Protester #3): I know being flaccid sucks.
Ross: (Protester #2): It mostly definitely sucks...being flaccid.
Jacob (Protester #1): Boy, being flaccid sucks.
Ross (Protester #2): Man you can say that again...about...about being flaccid.
Jacob (Protester #1): Boy, being flaccid sucks.
Ross (Protester #2) I didn't mean, to say that literally, I meant you know, I agree with you about how being flaccid sucks.
Jacob (Protester #1): Oh sorry, about you know...being flaccid sucks.
Ross (Protester #2): Yes, I know...being flaccid sucks.
Jacob (Protester #1): It sure does suck being flaccid.
Jim (Protester #3): You know that artist that's called "Mr. Flaccid" has a song out, it's about being flaccid it goes like "Flaccid, flaccid, flaccid, flaccid-flaccid-flaccid, I feel absolutely flaccid, oh yeah flaccid, always flaccid, flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid, I feel flaccid, really, really flaccid. Flaccid as my flaccid, flaccid my flaccid, flaccid, flaccid, flaccid, oh my flaccid, I feel flaccid, oh God flaccid my name's Mr. Flaccid, therefore I admit I am flaccid"...
Birdman: SHUT UP! Okay, we know you're flaccid. Could you all please just stop saying the word flaccid, please, okay, yes we all know the artist "Mr. Flaccid", and flaccid this, flaccid that. Yes, WE (BLEEP)ING know you are all flaccid, okay, yes flaccid.
Jacob (Protester #1): Why don't you come over here and make us stop saying we're flaccid.
Birdman: NO! WHY DON'T YOU DO WHAT I SAY INSTEAD OF SAYING THE WORD FLACCID, IT'S VERY, VERY ANNOYING WHEN YOU FLACCID AND HOW YOU ALL JUST KEEP REPEATING THE WORD FLACCID AND HOW YOU ALL REPEAT ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU ARE FLACCID! WE ALL GET, YOU'RE FLACCID, OKAY, WE GET IT! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! OKAY, SO PLEASE JUST STOP (BLEEP)ING SAY FLACCID!
(Beat.)
Jim (Protester #3): Hey Birdman...are you flaccid?
Birdman: UGH! No, I'm not flaccid, and now will you stop saying flaccid!
Jenny Jones: What are you talking about, flaccid?
Birdman: Stop saying flaccid!
Jim (Protester #3): Fl...
Birdman: If the next word that comes out of your mouth is flaccid, I'll blast all three of your flaccidly asses out of here!
(Beat.)
Jim (Protester #3): So Birdman...you're not...in question, for an accurate fact are not...in fact, turned out not to be, like...flaccid.
(Birdman grabs hold of his arm and blasts all three of them.)
Birdman: Okay, (lowering his arm) that'll end all this nonsense about the word flaccid and it killed the rest of them.
(Phil walks in, happy with his normal clothes on, zipping up his fly as Birdman looks astonished at how healthy Phil looks.)
Birdman: Phil! You're healthy...how?
Phil: I'll explain after this scene transition.
(Cut to Zorbird naked with demented eyes with foam all around his mouth.)
Zorbird: Zorbird needs sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex with Birdgirl!
(Zorbird goes on the ground and points at Birdgirl as he then jumps out and rips off all her clothes as she is now naked (blurred).)
Birdgirl: Oh my God! Settle down Zorbird!
(Zorbird jumps on her, as the camera turns away revealing a shadow as Zorbird moans with pleasure as Birdgirl continues screaming. Cut back to the set as Phil is on screen.)
Birdman: Well that was a scene.
Phil: Okay...it was sex.
Birdman: Sex?
Phil: I had crabs right.
Birdman: Yeah.
Phil: I then had sex with this 70-year old woman and then afterwards I feel as healthy as ever!
(Cut to Birdman as he looks his about to puke, but pulls back.)
Birdman: What about the woman...that...that was...70 years old.
Phil: Does it look like I care?
(Beat.)
Phil: Because if it doesn't, it means that's something wrong with my facial muscles. What did happen to that woman I wonder?
(Cut back to the hospital as the woman is lying on the bed as the doctor is talking to Ernie Devlin.)
Doctor: She has pubic lice. She wouldn't be able to live after her blood is sucked out from her vagina. Do you want the plug pulled or not?
Ernie: But, (Ernie grabs a cord) you pulled the cord 15 minutes ago.
(The Doctor puts the cord quickly back in there.)
Doctor: Now do you want the plug pulled?
(Cut back to the set.)
Birdman: Well now I don't need to pay for your surgery. But what happened to that repairman?
Phil: His dead.
Birdman: What?
Phil: Yeah when I was running to the hospital, I kinda...tripped over the cord thus pulling it out.
Off-screen Man: That's not the only thing you pulled out.
(Beat.)
Jenny Jones: (giggles) Oh, I get it.
Birdman: Yeah, see ya Jenny.
Jenny Jones: But I want to do my plug...
Birdman: I'll do your plug for you.
(Birdman turns the monitor off by flipping the switch.)
Birdman: Now what I am going to do with my sunscreen business?
Phil: I have 50 bucks (Phil pulls out said amount of money).
Birdman: Sold.
(Birdman takes the 50 dollars off Phil and stands up as Birdgirl runs in the screen, naked (blurred) as Zorbird chases after her while naked (blurred) as Birdman quickly grabs Zorbird.)
Birdman: Whoa why are you chasing a naked Birdgirl while naked?
Zorbird: Zorbird, Zorbird want sex, Zorbird want sex. Birdgirl is sexy...perfect for sex!
Birdgirl: (hiding behind keyboard) He was raping me!
Birdman: (eyes widen) Okay. This is not how an episode focused on educating people on sex was meant to go out but...okay.
Phil: What do you mean, this educates plenty about sex!
Birdman: How Phil? How does this (BLEEP)ing educate people on sex, how!!
Phil: Don't you see Birdman? This lesson about sex is, (emotional music starts playing) if you get crabs you need to have sex to get it out of you, and that eleven-year olds that screw Paris Hilton (picture of Paris Hilton and then Zorbird) will end up addicted to sex and rape the token female member of a talk show band (cut to Birdgirl) and masturbation causes blindness (cut back to Phil)...if you look down at your penis when you're about to ejaculate and could also get you trouble with Vietnamese assassins (cut to Peanut, X and Peter in the toilet stalls) and least but not last... (cut to the Repairman's dead body) Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really rough sex causes people to become vegetables. (cut back to Phil) And that very hole is a goal and saying the word flaccid repeatedly is funny...for awhile, until it gets annoying.
(Emotional music stops. Silence.)
Birdman: Ugh (BLEEP) it close enough, who wants group sex?
Everyone Except Birdman: Me! Me! Me! Me!
(The Vietnamese assassins, Peanut, X, and Peter (all naked and blurred) run out as the people who still wear clothes rip threw clothes off as everyone jumps on each other and all have sex with one and other including naked and blurred women who run in to join in and an assassin says "Damnit, I feel flaccid".)