Chapter 9 „The sky will hold you"

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Say something true

And see like the desert lives

Manage a little bit clearness

And see like the haze raise

A desert of concrete and asphalt

But it lives and opens a gap

Which shows you something new, shows that old gives away

Even if your pain reach up to the sky

"And when a song" – Söhne Mannheims*#

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Two days later Martin bent his head, staring at the gaping hole in the ground. After the discovery of Cait's body there was the question where she should find her eternal rest. For the siblings it was clear that she should rest in the place she loved. They decided to bury her body in Kentucky. Cait should smell the famous Kentucky blue grass in spring and see the foals.

There are more people than Martin had imagined that came to pay their respects. Victor, his wife and her biological daughter with her husband and child, his uncle Roger with his two daughter's.

Also Marcus and Linda are there, where the three siblings live during their stay, and a lot of people he doesn't know. Elaine stands beside Quentin, her two daughters and her little son. Fiona is at Martin's side her arm linked with his.

The day is bright and pretty. The warm sun spilling yellow light everywhere and the air is crisp and clean from the rain day before. The black clothing of the mourners is out of place against the emerald grass and sapphire sky.

Cait can't not be seeing this lovely day. We can't be in this cemetery, saying good-by to her like this. Martin mourns inwardly hoping somewhere his precious sister is looking on at this beautiful day.

Martin squeezes his eyes shut. Nothing about the day felt real. He couldn't believe he would feel ever so much pain, like Cait's death years ago and today, all he feels is a dull, hollow ache.

"Some of us think we'll see Caitrona in heaven," the minister says. "Others will see her every day for the rest of their lives, in their memories."

Martin glances around at the mourners. He has no desire to look at the gleaming brass handles and dark wood of his sister's casket.

Cait would have hated this, Martin thinks suddenly as the minister closes his Bible. She was always so happy. Martin squeezes his eyes shut as the casket is lowered into the ground. He is dimly aware of his uncle's arm around his shoulders. Roger grips his shoulder.

"It's time for us to throw a handful of dirt on the casket," he says.

Martin can't stand to hear him use the word casket, but then the mourners part for him and he throws the first handful of dirt onto the grave. Then he has a look at the marble gravestone.

Caitriona Elizabeth Hotaru Chatterley

29. October 1972 – 22. February 1981

Beloved sister

Ikusen-nen kurikashita koi wa shinpi no tatakai ne anata kara no ai no. Abite watashi wa kawatte yuku azayaka ni himeyaka ni. Oozora hirogeta mugen no tsubasa, hikari matotte ima habatakou, ashita e… (Translation: Don't cry about the rose when she is in danger by ice and snow, she will die and in spring be in bloom again. Also this body is not anything more than an illusion which pass in stream of time, in presence of truth nothing continue to exist. Only love, in eternity.)

When Martin read this he remembers his father, when he sat on his shoulders and the way he smiled. His eyes had always an inner brilliance like a clear blue summer sky. The passing of 25 years couldn't wipe out the memories of his parents and his sister, always they are in his blood, deeply in his heart. Since the subliminal wound came to light, nothing Martin did would quiet the memories down and often during the night he is awake, the thoughts torment him.

After the mourners had withdrew Martin stands alone in front of the grave and he let his gaze wander. Slowly the memories find their way to his heart. Abruptly like a monsoon rush over the country, pictures flash up in his head. Cait on a swing with her long black hair playing gently around her face, Cait when she bent her head over the pond and her ebony hair covered her face like a curtain, her beautiful laughter when she observed a small duck trying to dive. The memories are like a waterfall, whose strength apparently never runs dry, like a jungle so confusing and beautiful at the same time.

Martin looks up to the sky and he remembers the words of Cait in the garden: When I'm dead, look up to the sky because your pain reached so far, say to him what you want to say to me and I will answer you. It doesn't matter how you will be, as long as I love you and I will always love you, I will have faith in you and the sky will hold you.

Then the warm wind caressed him feeling warm and wonderful on his face and for one moment Martin has the strange feeling that it is Cait who gently strokes his face.

"Your scent, Cait, I still can smell it. It was like a piece of heaven to have you here. Every room you filled with sun and every annoyance you changed into the opposite. Generous was your gentle goodness, your tremendous pride. I never forget your upright walk, your cheerful dignity, and your imperturbable skills. I have you saved in my heart and I will always carry you in my soul until I die." Martin says.

Afterwards Martin walks slowly on the small path among the graves under high trees and stops when he reaches a ripple fountain. There isn't any longer the sound of voices which carries in the cemetery, he is completely alone. Almost. Unnoticed a woman steps to his side. Uncertainly she grips his hand and squeezes it. Martin turns abruptly and gasps for breath. He has not seen this gentle face above years ago, the shining and warm golden eyes, the sensual lips and her dark hair. Martin wants to embrace her so badly, but too much had happened. In his heart and head is an absolute confusion, but his face his motionless. So it's the woman's turn to embrace him and Martin's head falls on her shoulder. He smells the familiar scent like peppermint and it seems that no time has passed since they met the last time. Still he loves her and the time couldn't reduce it, his feelings never changed. But was there a chance after all what had happened?

"I'm so sorry, Martin. You may say it is better that I should stay away, but I can't do this any longer. I'm sorry you had to carry so much pain and now you had to relive your worst memories and face that man again. I want to be there for you, but I understand if you don't want. I can stay only a few days then I must go back to South Dakota. But I would like to see you there. I don't want to run away any longer. Even when you both were married, I couldn't forget you. I love you, I have always loved you.. That's the truth, I swear."

Martin is quiet when the woman tells him these things. Silently they are side by side. They see how a bird land on the fountain. He dips his beak into the water and when he flaps his wings to fly into the sky, the small water drops at his beak glitter like diamonds. Slowly the woman takes Martin's hand and her grip is warm and tight. He had to say goodbye to one beloved person, but maybe he got back another and maybe they could try to find a way.

* Dies ist meine englische Übersetzung des Lied „Und wenn ein Lied"

Deutsche Originalversion: Söhne Mannheims "Und wenn ein Lied":

„Sag ein kleines Stückchen Wahrheit

und sieh wie die Wüste lebt.

Schaffe ein kleines bisschen Wahrheit

und schau wie sich der Schleier hebt.

Eine Wüste aus Beton und Asphalt.

Doch sie lebt und öffnet einen Spalt,

der dir neues zeigt, zeigt das Altes weicht,

auch wenn dein Schmerz bis an den Himmel reicht."