As everything begins to sink in, I find myself more and more horrified
Disclaimer: Okay, people as you should know by now, I am not Stephenie Meyer so I don't own any of the characters or settings I just gave Bellaamnesia.
I'm back people! Sorry if I was gone a little while. Things have been crazy. But I've been working on writing this out and now I have finally typed it up.
So I didn't get as much response last time, but I am happy that so many of you liked it!
Now to thanks those brilliant people:
BlankExpressions- okay! Thanks! I will try!
xJAYx- yeah, it was really hard to write. It was so painful. Yay! Can't wait! I am soo getting it the night it comes out!
Erica- awww! That's great! Well keep reading and reviewing!
Chichistar- yep, they really have a tough situation, huh? I will. But I can not guarantee any speed.
Stare at string-well it's like muscle memory. Where they can remember how to walk and talk and move and laugh and all sorts but they forget everything that their life was about. It's kind of like a computer whose hard drive was erased. It's happened in real life. So I wrote it like that. Some types of amnesia are worse though where you literally forget everything.
Amobutterfly25- yeah, it makes me sad too. Mainly I think she will just have to discover it, cuz she remembers nothing.
The Queen Vampiress- aww! I didn't mean to make you cry! Sorry! Yeah, imagine how he feels. He feels real bad. I shall try to get more updates but I can only do it when I have ideas and right now I am winging it.
Twilightcrazy2309- well I am so happy you liked it! And it is meant to be that way!
Panda- yeah, Edward is really broken up about it. He can't stand it. Awww! Really? You think so? That is so sweet! Well here is the chappy!
Now you can read the chapter but just tell me what you think!
As everything begins to sink in, I find myself more and more horrified.
I have forgotten so much.
So much that should be so dear and cherished is missing.
I can not get used to the emptiness in my head. I feel like something should be there. It's like a house stripped bare of all its furnishings.
Like its been robbed. And I certainly feel that way.
How else could you describe what it felt like to lose every single memory? Yes, I remember some things, like how to walk and read and speak; all the normal things. Like muscle memory, there are some things your body just can't forget.
But everything else… it's gone. Faces, names, experiences, likes, and dislikes have all been wiped from the memory banks.
I have to try to learn it all all over again. Have to try to remember who I was. But it is so hard. I feel things, like instincts about people…but nothing more.
Like I feel like I can trust Edward to the very core of being...but how can I be sure?
Will I ever truly know? Has he ever hurt me?
I know that he loves me, that much I can not deny but everything else about him is uncertain. He seems so unreal, unearthly that I can not trust my senses around him. He's too perfect.
I hope to crack the mystery this angel has become to me.
Everything I am learning about everything, about myself, is making me dizzy. I fear I won't be able to remember any of it.
And everything I am guessing or assuming is utterly wrong. Like there are too many unknown variables in an unsolvable math problem.
It is maddening.
I am not sure what to do.
And it keeps getting worse…
"What do you mean she has amnesia?" The man Edward had told me was my father, Charlie, asked devastated of my doctor out in the hall.
I sighed heavily, earning myself more pain from my broken ribs. Then I turned my gaze to Edward who sat in a chair beside me.
"He's not taking this well, is he?" I asked as I quickly shifted my gaze away from Edward's anguished eyes to look at the ceiling instead.
"No, not at all. But he has good reason." Edward replied simply.
Though the question was about Charlie, I could tell from the sound of his voice Edward was answering for a different 'he'.
"Will 'he' be okay?" I continued. By this point we both knew we weren't talking about Charlie, but, nonetheless, we kept up the pretense.
"I don't know." Edward answered, the pain clear in his voice, "Maybe, with time."
"I hope so." I hoped aloud. My voice was clearer but still shaky and rough.
"Me too." He replied with deep sadness etched on his face.
And the look on his face hurt. It hurt worse than my broken and fractured bones. Pained me more than anything physical I was feeling now. It broke my heart and hurt my soul to see this broken angel. I hated this so much. This car accident that neither of us had any control over had tore us apart. It left a gaping hole where my memory used to be. I wished so badly that I could remember him, remember every instant that involved this angel. And from the look of longing in his eyes, I could tell that he wished the same thing.
After one minute of us looking into each others' forlorn eyes, I attempted to clear my throat to move onto less painful subjects. I tore my eyes away from Edward to look out into the hallway and saw my disappointed father still conversing with my doctor, "Do I have any more family?"
He followed my gaze, "Your mother is in Florida with her new husband."
"So, she and Charlie divorced?" I inquired, a little sad at the idea.
"Yes. They got married straight out of high school. You were less than a year old when your mother left with you to go to Phoenix."
"I see." And I did, though the image his words painted was not a happy one. Guess I never had that white-picket fence family. I thought to myself. "That means no siblings, right?"
"Right." Edward agreed grimly.
I glanced around the room thoroughly for the first time, and I was a little surprised. Flowers and cards adorned nearly every surface.
From those I could at least tell that I wasn't a loner but I was still a little confused, "Do I have visitation limits?"
His golden eyes lit up in surprise, "What makes you say that?"
"Well," I began calmly, "I was in a car accident, and the only ones here to see me are you and my dad. I can tell from the 'decorations' that I wasn't friendless." I tried to gesture out the door at dad, and at him and the decorations to emphasize my words, but my arms still ached too much for that level of activity.
"Oh." He said as though we were approaching a subject he did not want to discuss, "No, you don't have visitation restrictions."
"Where is everyone then? Why wouldn't my mom be here?" I tried to sound firm and strong but my voice still sounded far too weak to be tough.
Edward seemed to be thinking quite deeply on how to answer before he spoke, "Renee was here for the first four days before she had to go back. She promised she'd be back as soon as she could. But we weren't sure when you'd wake up."
At the end of this he looked up trying to gage my reaction.
"Wake up? First four days?" I repeated surprised, my voice shaking in horror at the implication of his words.
"You were out for awhile." He reluctantly went on, trying to be as gentle as possible.
"How long?" Was all I managed to get out as I steeled myself against the coming revelation.
"Nine days." He whispered so softly, I could hardly hear it.
"Nine days?" I echoed in shock. I wasn't entirely sure if I was relieved or horrified. On one hand, I had feared longer, but on the other, nine days was a long time to be unconscious.
"That's awhile." I finally got out, quietly.
"You have no idea." He replied in a bare whisper as though the memory of those nine days was some kind of torture.
"Were you here the entire time?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
"Yes." He said simply, stroking my hand again.
"They let you stay?" I questioned, trying to get my breathing under control as I looked at him in disbelief.
"Of course." He replied, as if it were not something that I had to ask.
"But I thought they had visiting hours or something." I argued weakly while trying to control my elation at his cool touch.
"My father works here so he can pull some strings and call in favors. He managed to get it so that I could stay." He explained with a hint of sadness in his voice as though he thought that that was something I should remember.
I was still in awe, this is further proof he loved me. Why else would he make his father arrange it for him?
"But you still didn't have to stay." I insisted, feeling guilty that I had taken up all of his time.
"Yes, I did." He remained firm, unwavering, his gaze smoldering.
"But why?" I begged, my throat burning with the force of my words.
"Because it was my fault." He uttered below a whisper as he looked down, unable to even look at me, it pained him so much.
"What?" I asked in complete dismay and surprise. I was not expecting that at all. What was he saying? Why did this hurt him so much? Was there more than just concern lurking behind his presence here? Was he here out of guilt or love? I didn't understand it. Everything about him as so mysterious, I can never get him. Would I ever figure him out?
Keeping his voice barely audible, he kept his gaze on my hand, as he continued with his painful train of thought in his velvet voice, "You wouldn't be in here if I had gone to school that day. Everything would still be the same. You wouldn't have amnesia, or any broken bones or anything. It's all my fault."
Looking at him so broken, cut me deep. He didn't seem the type to cry, but if he was, there would be tears rolling down his cheeks. Trying to maintain my calm and not break down, I responded, "That's ridiculous. Didn't you say I was hit by an out-of-control car?"
He nodded, not looking at my face.
"How could you have stopped that? It was a freak accident."
I said it to placate him but he flinched at my last words as though I had burnt him.
"It was not your fault." I tried to assure him, "No one could have seen that happening."
Again a strange look filled his eyes as though my words had a meaning I was unaware of. He cleared his throat and tried to argue, "But I could have stopped you from falling."
"Edward, you don't strike me as the type of guy who would miss school for nothing, so I guess that if you weren't there, you had good reason to. So stop beating yourself up!"
He looked into my eyes for the first time in this conversation, and his lips curved into a small smile.
"What did I say?" I couldn't help but smile too, he had the type of smile you could not resist.
"Nothing, it just sounded like something you would always tell me when you got hurt." He mumbled, looking away from my face again as the sweet nostalgia wore off.
"Really?" I couldn't help but ask. Any trace of the old me was too good to resist.
"Yeah." He smiled again.
Just then there was noise in the hallway as my father and my doctor came in.
"How you feeling, Bells?" My dad asked, concerned, as he threw Edward a dark look.
"Fine." I lied. Everything ached, but I longed for information so bad, I put up with it anyway.
The doctor checked my machinery and hoses and bandages to make sure everything as in order. When she checked the air supply read-out, she made a little frown before glancing at Edward and nodding to herself. Something told me she noticed my lack of breathing at few points in the last ten minutes but she understood.
"You ready for some more meds?" she asked kindly.
I got a strange sense of deja-vu but without my memory I couldn't figure out whether it happened before or not.
"No. I want to talk some more." I insisted.
"Alright but all this stress really isn't good for you." She replied as she headed for the doorway. When she got there, she turned to Charlie and instructed, "Tell the nurse at the desk when she's ready to see me."
Then she faced the door again and left swiftly.
Charlie came closer to me on my side near the door, which was unoccupied by Edward and put his hand on my arm. His wasn't as soft and smooth as Edwards, but still, it was comforting.
Seeing them both, I noticed that they both had dark circles under their eyes as though they both lost too much sleep. Edwards were more pronounced, but I suppose sleeping in a hospital chair is no picnic.
"Bella, sweetie," Charlie began, looking only at me, as though Edward was not there, "could I talk to you?"
I darted my wary eyes to Edward who was grinning at some joke I hadn't heard, and he nodded his approval.
"Sure, Dad. What's up?" I tried to ask casually, though I was wary of what he might want to talk about.
His eyes also descended on Edward, before he looked back at me and clarified, "Alone?"
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I'm guessing he doesn't approve of me dating. "Only if he wants to leave. I don't mind him staying."
"Bella..." Charlie groaned disapprovingly.
"Charlie." I responded.
"It's okay, I can go." Edward interjected, hoping to stop a feud, "Let me know when you two are done."
Though I couldn't explain it, it made me sad to see him go. Charlie moved over to sit in the chair Edward had vacated, while Edward threw me a "don't sweat it" look as he shrugged and turned away.
I then turned my gaze Charlie, best get this over with so Edward can come back, I thought as I braced myself for whatever Charlie had to say.
Gee, let's think about what Charlie will say to his amnesiac daughter…
And what did you guys think about Edward and Bella in this chapter?
I really enjoy the feedback!
And remember to check out my Myspace link on my main page, it's got some neat twilight photoshopped work I did, plus I take requests!
So review!