Confused Feelings

In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come -- not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul: - William Styron quotes

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

A small hand touched his shoulder.

"Spencer."

He looked in the direction of the voice. "Rosa. It really is a bad idea for you to be here. Where is your dad?"

"I don't know. Why are you sitting out here in the dark?"

"I don't know where the house is."

He heard her sigh. "Get up and come with me."

Slowly he stood and felt the small hand in his. "You left with your dad this morning. Where is he now?"

"I don't know. He left me to go hunting and didn't come back – careful – there's a step here – and yes he didn't come back so I walked home. I got us rabbits though."

She led him into the house and directed him to the couch. "I'll get you a drink."

He sat and shivered and wondered why he was doing this to himself again. Every time. He just didn't learn. Rosa put a tumbler into his hand. "Thank you."

He felt her sit down next to him and he could smell the smoke from a cheroot. "You want a smoke? You look like you could do with one."

"No thank you." He sipped at some of the drink.

"What did you do to your arms?"

"My arms?" A bigger drink.

"Yes you have blood soaked through your shirt." And he could feel her hands on his arm.

"Don't touch me Rosa. That's not a good idea."

"I just wanted a hug from my mum. Daddy won't hug me."

A bigger swig from the tumbler. "I'm not your mother Rosa."

"No. Daddy ate my mum. What a total bastard. I bet I am the only kid on the street whose dad ate its mum."

This made Reid smile. "Yes I think you are probably right there."

"You don't look well you know." A small hand was on his forehead. "You should go to bed. I'll get your stuff ready.

-o-o-o-

Floyd stood outside the Hotchner home and smoked.

Something was very wrong. He needed to go home. He had to collect Rosa and take her home and see how Reid managed his first day home on his own, but he was unable to pull himself away from this spot on the sidewalk under the street lamp.

A couple of times he had started to walk up to the door but then he turned around and took up position under the lamp again. He watched the lounge light being turned off and then the hall light. Floyd moved nearer to the house and crouched down on the lawn. He put his fingers onto the grass and closed his eyes.

"I need to finish what I started. But I need to go home. This isn't my home. I have to go and find my daughter. She can look after her self. Spence – I have to think of Spence. I need to finish what I started though." He muttered to him self for a good hour. "I have to go in there. I need to see him. I have to resist this and just go home. Spence will need me. I will need Spence when I see him. I need to protect him. I have to go. I need to stay."

"Excuse me sir." Floyd stayed low but turned and looked up at the policeman standing behind him.

"Can't you walk around me?"

"I need you to stand up sir and explain what you are doing. The neighbours have called you in as a prowler."

"I – I will go."

"I still need you to explain what you are doing."

"This is my friend's house. I was just waiting for him." He stood. "I think he is in. I'll go knock. You will see I know him. He will invite me in." There was a strange buzzing in his head. He felt light headed and his heart was thumping too hard. Slowly he walked to the door and hammered hard. "He will let me in."

He hammered again. "Let me in Aaron. Let me in."

"Sir you have a nose bleed." The police officer was standing with him on the porch as Floyd hammered again with one hand and wiped the blood off with the other. The door suddenly opened mid hammer. Hotch was in his green robe and bunny slippers.

"Floyd."

"Aaron I need to come in. I need to see you."

"You know this man?" the officer asked.

Hotch nodded. "Yes it's fine officer I know him." He looked at Floyd. "Get in."

Aaron stood back and let Floyd in closing the door behind them.

"You can't do this. You need to go home Floyd."

Flanders started pacing up and down Hotch's hallway. "I know I know, but I needed to do something. It's – you know building up inside of me and there's nothing I can do now to stop it."

"Go and sit down and we can talk this over."

"No – no I don't want to sit. I think better standing. I need to explain something to you first because things get very complicated and I don't always follow what I am saying. I will try to explain this to you. I tried explaining it to Spence once but he doesn't understand. His – whatever it is he has – stops him from following what it is I am talking about."

"Right now I am wondering if I have what ever it is Reid has too. What are you talking about Floyd?"

"It's like this. It's the way my body chemistry works. You know we all have needs Aaron. Some of us have slightly different needs to others."

"I really do wish you would sit down."

"Aaron. I am sorry, but if I don't do this then I am going to make myself very ill. I have to do this. I need you to say you will forgive me."

Hotch was beginning to get worried now. "Do what?"

Floyd was walking in small circles now in Hotch's lounge. "I am trying to resist this. Do you realise – no of course you have no bleeding idea.."

Aaron moved over to Flanders and put a hand on his shoulder. "Try to explain."

Flanders stopped dead in his tracks and spun on Hotch. Both hands wrapped around his throat – his thumbs pressing in tightly. He stood and watched the shock register on Aaron's face and saw the way he just stood and let it happen. "Defend yourself damn you! Don't just stand there." He took his hands away again and they just stood staring at each other.

"I'm not Reid. Get out of my house Floyd. You can't treat me like a dog. Go now."

"Yes I should go." And a hand moved to Aaron's throat, only this time it was just fingertips. "Soon." Hands moved down Aaron's arms to his hands. Floyd's finger played over the back of Hotch's hands and then moved back up again. One hand held him tightly the other twisted. Aaron was forced to turn his back to Floyd to prevent his arm from being broken.

"What the hell?"

"Shut up you whore. You know you want me. You are fucking gagging for it! I can smell it on you." Floyd pushed Aaron forward towards the wall one arm twisted up behind his back and the other hand now gripping Hotch's hair. He smacked his face against the wall. Hotch was still trying to get away so he pulled his head back hard and slammed it forwards again.

Hotch felt his nose give way as Floyd smashed his face against his white wall and his head was pulled back again. This time a voice was whispering in his ear. "You will love it. I promise you will. I'm going to be gentle with you. I can have my bit of rough when I get home." If he said more Hotch didn't know as his head impacted again with the wall and the dark stars exploded in his vision just as he lost consciousness.

It was about an hour later when Floyd left again.

Aaron woke up about half an hour after that. The promise of being gentle hadn't been kept for very long.

-o-o-o-

Reid went to bed in wet clothes. He had no idea where Rosa was and right now he didn't care. He felt drunk and a bit drugged. He wondered if she had put something in his drink or if he had just drunk too much. Spencer fell asleep almost straight away and had odd dreams about fishing in a small rowing boat. He was awoken by weight on the bed next to him. A hand draped over his chest and fingers played over his skin.

"Hey Babes."

"Floyd. I was sleeping."

"I woke you up? I'm would say I was sorry, but I am still having problems understanding the meaning of that word."

"I know. Just let me sleep OK?"

"I want you to take your clothes off."

"Now?"

"Yes – now. I want to see your arms. Properly see them and I need you to tell me why you do that to yourself."

Spencer rolled over onto his back and started to unbutton his shirt. "Fine, but you won't like it."

"Since when do you give a damn how I feel?"

"Whatever you say dearest." Spencer snapped back.

"Don't start with the lip Spence. I really am not in the mood. Just show me your arms and why are your clothes damp? Actually why are you in bed with your clothes on? Have you had a shower?"

Reid ignored the barrage of words and just pulled the nasty damp shirt off and held his arms out for Floyd to see. "You want to know why I do this?"

Floyd ran fingers over the bruises and small cuts and scabs. "Yes. I don't understand this."

"You control everything I do. Right now Floyd I can't even choose what clothes to put on in the morning. I have nothing and you don't seem to appreciate that."

"You have everything! What are you talking about?"

"I need to take control sometimes. I have no control. What colour is my tooth brush?"

Floyd stopped touching Reid's arms and moved over to straddle him. "Your tooth brush?"

"Yes – my tooth brush. A simple thing like that. I have no idea what colour it is. I know it's shape and I know how it feels in my mouth, but I don't know what colour."

"Are you sure you are talking about a tooth brush? Am I meant to be looking for hidden meanings?"

"My tooth brush."

"Blue. Light blue along the top and white along the handle. The bristles are blue and white. My brush is green and Rosa has a pink one."

"Good. That's good to know. Now tell me this. How the hell am I meant to know which is mine when I cant look and see the colours?"

"Well Babes, does it really matter? I don't use mine anyway and I am sure Rosa doesn't mind sharing."

"You are disgusting – you know that don't you – when did you last shower?"

"This." Touching Reid's arm. "Is because of a tooth brush? - shower? About three months I suppose. Properly. I have got wet but not washed. Why?"

Reid reached up and touched Floyd's face. "You know full well it's not about a tooth brush, it's about me not being able to see."

"It's getting better." Floyd lay down on top of Spencer and kissed at his shoulders. "I need you."

"Not now – please – just let me sleep."

"No babes – I just want you to hold me. For once. Hold me." He rolled off Spencer and lay with his back to him. He was right Reid hardly ever actually took hold of Floyd and just held him. He wrapped his arms tightly around him and entwined his legs with Floyd and kissed the back of his dirty neck.

Floyd was a wake all night as usual just feeling Reid holding him. This was different. Floyd liked this.

-o-o-o-

"I made you guys coffee." A voice bellowed from the other side of the door. "And you gonna show me how you skin rabbits today or what? And some kid came round with a bleeding cake – so I told her to sod off and that dog was barking most of the night – dad – did you hear that bloody dog – did you? Well I sorted that, cos I didn't want Spence to wake up and now there's a copper at the door – dad are you listening to me?"

On the last word Floyd swung the door open. "The dog? What did you do to the dog?"

"I took a knife to it. It's ok, it's still fresh. They can cook it up. It wasn't very old."

Her head cracked to the side and her nose spurted blood from the slap she got around her face. "We are meant to be 'blending' in Rosa. Not killing the neighbours dog. Take the coffee in for Spence. Touch him and I will make you bleed somewhere else."

A hammering on the door.

"Shit!" Floyd walked to the door and put the chain on before opening the door a crack. "Can I help you."

A policeman stood on his porch. He really didn't want that person standing there. It felt intrusive. He suddenly slammed the door again and pulled off the chain – then swung the door open again and stepped outside with the policeman. Floyd was wearing a filthy white shirt. It had blood splatter across the front from his encounter with Hotchner and there was dried blood soaked into his shirt cuffs.

"I don't like strangers on my porch." He announced and walked off across his lawn towards the SUV parked at a strange angle on the drive.

"I wanted to talk to you about your daughter. Rosa? Is that your daughter?"

"Yes she is my daughter. Is there a problem officer?" He could see the police officer's eyes wandering over his clothing.

"We have received a complaint about a dog."

"We don't own a dog. Not a real dog. So if that is all." Floyd started to walk away again.

"She was seen walking away from the scene."

"Scene? What scene. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Do you think I could talk to the child's mother?"

"She's dead – what scene?" Standing at the foot of his porch steps.

"I'm very sorry to hear that sir, but I still need to talk to Rosa about the dog across the way there." The police officer was walking towards Floyd's porch again.

Floyd was getting really pissed off now. He had a busy day ahead of him and this was just not what he needed right now. "I don't know what you are talking about." Talking through gritted teeth.

"Your daughter killed your neighbour's dog sir."

"ROSA! Get your arse out here!"

Less than a minute later and the policeman was looking down a the sweetest ten year old girl he had ever seen. Deep dark eyes and a beautiful big smile. One of her cheeks was a bit rosy but apart from that she looked the very picture of innocence standing there in her blue jeans and HighSchool Musical Tshirt. Her hair was in bunches.

"Daddy? What's wrong."

Officer Woodley could smell fresh baking and candy floss.

"This man says you hurt a dog sweetheart."

"Oh! Daddy I love animals. You know I would never hurt an animal." Big saucer sized tears popped out of her eyes and raced down her cheeks.

"I know you wouldn't darling. I just needed this kind policeman here to understand it too."

Officer Woodley understood totally. There was no way that this child could hurt an animal. Indeed she was probably a vegetarian. So he smiled at the father and daughter and said he was sorry there had been a mistake and he walked back to his car whistling a tune he made up as he went along.

They walked back into the house together and slammed the door behind them.

"Too close Rosa. Too close to home. Don't do that again." He walked over to the table and picked up his car keys. "I will be gone a few hours. I need herbs and shit. Don't wander off – and keep your little hands to yourself."

-o-o-o-

Spencer managed to find something to wear. Clean boxers and a pair of trousers. He put on a shirt of unknown colour and socks which he made sure were different by the texture of them and now he sat on he bed.

"Spence." The little voice. "I am going outback to play for a while. I want to practice with those rabbits."

"Sure. I will be here if you need me. Don't wander off."

And so he sat.

And he sat.

And he recited poems in his head and he sat some more.

Someone was home. He heard the front door slam. So now he sat with a smile on his face. What he really wanted was a coffee but Rosa hadn't come back in from the back yard yet and he wanted to just leave her to play and do things kids do, and not burden the child like he had been.

The rush of air against his skin as the bedroom door was opened and he saw the shadowy form walking towards him.

"Where is she?" A question he half of expected but not in the voice he had. This wasn't Floyd.

Spencer swallowed and stood up. "Who?"

Something hit him hard in his stomach. Spencer let out a howl of pain and doubled over.

"You know what happens when you lie to me Spencer – so just tell me where Rosa and Floyd are and we will leave you alone."

Spencer sat back onto the bed. "I don't know."

Whatever it was which had hit him in the stomach was now cracking against his skull. He let out a moan of pain and surprise and fell side ways onto the bed. He could hear talking and then he heard a child scream. Spencer kicked and hit out at the people in the room with him. but he failed to make contact with anything.

Something grabbed him by the ankles and started to drag him off the bed. He pulled at the bedding trying to stop them as he heard Rosa crying out "Spencer help me!" and her howls of pain.

Reid was dragged to the bathroom and pushed into the shower.

It seemed that they took it in turns.

A fist to his face.

A bat across his knees.

They spun him around and ground his face into the tiles. They hit him across the back with the bat and they screamed at him what they were going to do with the little whore he took from them and what they were going to do to Floyd.

And they kept asking. "Where is he? Where is Floyd?"

Again he was turned to face them and someone grabbed his hand. He had a strong suspicion it was Iolanda. He felt something being placed in his hand at the same time something cold and hard was pressed against his bleeding lips.

"Open your mouth before I shoot your damned brains out over the white tiles."

Spencer stood with the thing in his hand and his jaw clamped shut.

"Ok open your mouth before we hurt your precious Rosa."

Still his jaw stayed shut – it was when he heard Floyd's daughter scream again that he slowly opened his mouth. The hand gun was pushed into Reid's mouth so hard that his head cracked back against the tiles and made his head spin. He squeezed his eyes shut ready for Iolanda to pull the trigger.

When it didn't happen he opened his eyes and saw in front of him the blurred image of the man who had stoned Aaron and beaten him half to death. The gun was pressed deep into the back of Reid's throat.

"Spencer – you continue to piss me off. You are the most stubborn creature I have ever known – after Floyd. It's not brave or clever you know. It's your lack of understanding of this situation. I have had enough of you Spencer. You are not one of us. You never will be and so there is little point in asking you to come back with us and join in the party and so it stops here. Right now. In the shower – but you have a choice. I am good to you Spencer. I give you options. Option one, I can pull the trigger and thus I have taken control of this situation, or option two, you can take that blade I have put in your hand and you can stand there and take control of your own fate and slit your wrists."

Reid just stared at the man who had now cocked the gun ready.

"Do you want me to decide for you and take away the last of your choices? Or do you want to do this yourself."

Spencer wanted to nod but blinked at Iolanda.

He felt the gun being pulled from his mouth and stood staring at him.

"Your wrists Spencer. Now."

Reid was looking down at the small blade he had in his hand. It was still foggy and out of focus but he could see it.

"No – I won't do it. That is my choice."

Iolanda called out for someone called Jules – who arrived with a squirming Rosa in his hands. Iolanda picked her up and sat her in the washbasin. He then pushed her head back and slid the gun slowly into the child's mouth.

"Now you have a different choice to make. Your or her Spencer."

"I won't give into you Iolanda. You can't make me do this." Again he heard the gun being readied and he could see the enormous terrified eyes of a ten year old child.

It was quick. Much quicker than he thought it would be. He tried not to cut too deeply, but it sliced nicely and actually it felt quite good. He sliced his arm from elbow to wrist and watched the blood ooze and then pour. Spencer sunk to his knees in the shower and looked at his blood dripping down his arm and along the palm of his hand and then with soft splats off the ends on his fingers. The world went grey. Then it blacked out completely as he tipped forwards still kneeling and rested his head on the wall.