Disclaimer: PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. If the missions are based off stories on we will give proper credit to the writers, although that may be a mixed blessing.
Summary: Mary-Sues and bad writers have taken over all that is good and holy in fanfiction. Yet some still fight for Plot and Loyalty To Canon. They are the PPC. Fanwriters Beware.

The First Mission.

The Missing Queens.

In RC 2415 at the PPC Headquarters, a pair of identical twins was sitting quietly, waiting for their first mission.

Both had auburn hair and green eyes, with a healthy dose of freckles. On the taller side, both were dressed in the standard black of PPC agents, and both currently had their noses buried in books. A quiet sniffle from the first dragged the second's attention away from Elizabeth I: Rose of the House of Tudor. Seeing her sister's expression and position in the hardback copy of Prince Caspian, Sally rolled her eyes and wondered how her sister got so emotional over these things. "You've read those books how many times and you still get worked up over them?"

Natasja looked up. "I've lost count. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with being emotional over a good –".

She was cut off and nearly fell out of her chair when the console started screeching. Sally was off the fold-out couch and over to the console in a heartbeat. She looked eagerly at the screen, and then winced. "Chronicles of Narnia fic. Self-Insert, by the look of things."

Natasja's eyes narrowed as she picked herself up. A precocious reader, she had read The Horse and His Boy (admittedly with some help) in Kindergarten, and had promptly become addicted to the series. Unless they were very well written, with a plausible excuse, Self-Inserts in any fandom got on her nerves. Violations of Chronicles of Narnia Canon were met with a slow and painful Death.

Natasja walked over to set the Portal as Sally chose the weapons. "Dryads all right with you, Sal?"

Sally nodded. "Axes are out, I suppose. Bow and Arrows?"

Natasja sent her a Look at the idea of tree spirits carrying axes, and then nodded at the idea of bows and arrows. "Lets go."

And it came to be that during the time of the Horse and His Boy, two daughters of Eve came to Narnia. One of power and one of grace: two of beauty. They were found wandering the Shuddering Wood and brought to the castle of the four rulers

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Queen Susan was there at the castle when they arrived while Peter was fighting the giants and King Edmund and Queen Lucy were in Archenland. The two girls were brought before the beautiful Queen.

Amy and Marybeth, of Mary, stood before the four thrones. Three empty, one holding the gentle Queen.

Un-noticed by the Narnian court and the two interlopers, the air behind the four thrones shimmered and two dryads stumbled out. One was a birch, slender and silvery, in the form of a young girl. The other was a stately beech, a Lady of the Woods. Both looked very unhappy about something.

The beech sighed. "Not to be prejudiced, but are nearly all of the pretentious fan-brat Mary-Sue/Self-Inserts from America, or is it just my imagination? Why can't we ever see one from Taiwan or something?"

The birch took a closer look at the words. "These two are from Canada. That's sort of breaking the mold. Wait, 'Marybeth, of Mary'? Shouldn't that be 'or Mary', or at least 'of Maryland' or something?"

Natasja, currently disguised as the Beech Dryad, let out a derisive noise, but turned back to the fic as Queen Susan asked if they had come by way of the Wardrobe.

No Queen Susan, we come by a puddle. As random and unexplainable as your way here." Amy answered.

Could Dryads snarl? The Beech was certainly doing a good impression. "Did this idiot even pick up The Magician's Nephew? The Wardrobe has very clear connections to Narnia, and every one of the books shows that the Crossing, for lack of a better term, occurs with some connection! Children are only called during times of disturbance, as clearly stated in The Last Battle! It is not as random as falling into a puddle!"

Natasja paused to take a deep breath as Queen Susan told the newcomers that her siblings were away fighting in battle, but they were welcome to stay and led them to their rooms. Sally patted her arm in consolation; this was going to be a very long mission. "It gets worse, I'm afraid. You'd think Susan would be a little more concerned about her sister and brothers, as opposed to a pair of random girls who just show up out of nowhere. Do we even need that Analysis Device you brought?"

Natasja gave her a quizzical look. "I hope not, because I thought you had it. At least we get a hint of what part of The Horse and His Boy we are in. King Peter is away fighting the Giants and Edmund and Lucy are in Archenland. That puts us around the time of the Calormen invasion of Archenland. Did you want to write the charge list, or will I?"

Queen Susan led the 'Sues into a comfortably furnished room, the Agents sneaking in behind them. Sally wordlessly handed her sister a notepad as Susan left and the two Sues sat down, promptly starting to complain about their lives back on earth.

"I'd love to stay in Narnia, its so much better than back there."

"yeah, but what about Mike. God knows I can't leave him alone I wouldn't wish my parents on anyone.

Natasja closed her eyes, restraining herself from smashing a nearby and quite pretty sculpture. Instead, she started writing charges, of which there were many. "Stupid and non-Canon method of entering Narnia, improper use of punctuation, incorrect naming of Canon locations, to whit: Cair Paravel. Random mention of tragic pasts, being a Mary-Sue, can't forget that…"

Sally smirked; Natasja was back with a vengeance. She returned to the Words. "Oh, by the Lion's Mane! Are they serious?"

At her sister's words, Natasja looked up and accidentally snapped the quill in her hand. Sally moved out of the line of fire.

I know, but I'm sure aslan will send you back if you ask him, then return you both once you're out of that hell hole."

Sally carefully eased the parchment out of her twin's frozen hands, producing her own quill. "Making Aslan into some kind of messenger. I know he is supposed to represent Jesus, and Jesus brought a message of peace etc., but come on!"

Susan came back into the room and the 'Sues insisted that she let them give her a make-over, promptly forgetting their angsty conversation of less than a minute ago. Sally chanced a look at her sister, who looked ready to kill someone. "Susan is beautiful enough to have kings and princes asking for her hand, a spurned suitor is currently fighting a war over her and these idiots think that their version of a make-over is going to do anything for her?"

Natasja grabbed the Charge List back and quickly scanned it. "I think we have enough charges for a kill, don't you? Even if we don't, I'm charging them anyway and getting out of this thing five minutes early."

Sally raised an eyebrow skeptically. "You think it'll take that long to rack up enough charges? I think we can kill them now and get away with it, and I won't tell the Flowers if you don't. Ooh, here's a good part!"

Susan had left the room to fetch her accessories for the make-over, hoping that Amy and Marybeth wouldn't find something better to do before she got back. The two teens leaned back on there throne-like couches. "I just hope we can get Susan's make-over done before Aslan calls us home. Do you think itll be soon?"

Both of the Mary-Sues jumped as two dryads seemed to appear out of thin air. The birch dryad gave them a very menacing smile. "Sooner than you think, I am very glad to say. You do realize that Aslan calling someone home implies that they are about to die, yes?"

Amy-Sue looked indignant. "We can't die! We haven't met Edmund and Peter yet! If we die then they'll pine away for us! Besides, no one ever dies in Narnia!"

The beech dryad rolled her eyes. "Correction: No one ever dies in the True Narnia that we see in the final chapters of The Last Battle. Both Aslan and the White Witch die in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, even if Aslan does come back to life. People did die in the various battles throughout the books. Beside the point, though." She cleared her throat, "We are agents Sally and Natasja of the PPC. We are here to kill you for crimes against the Chronicles of Narnia Canon."

Marybeth-Sue had a slightly stronger grip on reality, and seemed to notice that she and her counterpart were in very real danger. "But you still can't kill us! You don't have any proof that we've done anything!"

The birch dryad looked annoyed. "We're just getting to that. Ahem. Amy and Marybeth, you are charged with the following crimes against Canon: Stupid and non-Canon method of entering Narnia, improper use of punctuation, incorrect naming of Canon locations, to whit: Cair Paravel. Random mention of tragic pasts, making Aslan into some kind of messenger; He's part of the closest thing Narnians have to a religion, as you obviously haven't noticed. Also of there/their errors, bad spelling, bad writing, bad grammar, being a Mary-Sue and annoying PPC Agents."

The birch dryad paused for breath, letting the beech dryad finish. "The punishment for these crimes, I am very glad to say, is death. You have no rights and no chance of appeal. Good-bye."

The Mary-Sues, who had been simply gaping at the two Agents, regained their senses and bolted for the door. Neither of them made it before being hit by arrows and exploding in a shower of Mary-Sue-glitter. Exchanging a decidedly smug look, the twin Agents opened a portal back to Headquarters.

Stepping back into their response center, Natasja shimmered from a stately dryad back into her normal auburn-haired self, closely followed by Sally, who walked straight back to the couch and her book. "Who gets to do the paperwork? My writing isn't that legible, and you can type faster than I can."

Natasja raised an eyebrow. "This is why you have a dictation feature on your laptop. We'll take report writing in turns, so you get stuck with the next one."

The older (by two minutes) Agent retrieved her own laptop, and the room descended into a comfortable quiet, broken only by the turning of pages and the tap of computer keys.

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This Mission is based off the story 'The Missing Queens' in the C.S. Lewis catagory. The author changes her name on average of about once a week, but she was Amy and Marybeth when the Mission was written.

Anyway, the first mission is completed, and we are off to recover from the trauma. If anyone is interested in joining the team, please e-mail or PM us at the address on our profile.