Hello all you fellow OC lovers!! I had a dream about this chapter so here it is. Thanks again for the reviews!

Chapter V: Ghost of You

Ryan restlessly rolled over again in his bed. It was 3:52 A.M., and the only thing on his mind was her. The look on her face when she realized that Volchek had not been lying. How could he have been so stupid as to think that she wouldn't find out about his little pre-breakup strip poker game with Sadie? Looking back, he wished that he had never done it. Especially when it turns out that Marissa was the one that actually convinced Sadie to stay in the first place. He knew he had to talk to her, to explain everything that had happened. Hopefully, she wouldn't hold it against him. And hopefully, he hadn't lost his shot to be with her again.

Knowing that there was no chance that he was going to get any sleep, Ryan pulled his body out of bed and made his way to his desk. He pulled out a piece of paper from his drawer as he began to search for a way to explain to the girl of his dreams how sorry he was.

Dear Marissa,

I know that I'm probably the last person that want to hear from right now, but……

He stopped writing and crumbled the paper up into a ball, throwing it absent-mindedly onto the floor. This was going to be a long night.

Three hours later.

Ryan sat triumphantly sipping his fourth cup of black coffee, re-reading his final draft for the eighth time in a row. He had known that this task was not going to be an easy one, since he wasn't exactly known for his gift with words. But, something inside him told him that if he didn't do this and just left things between him and Marissa open-ended, he might lose any chance he had left.

Glancing over at the clock quickly, Ryan realized that there was really no sense in trying to go to bed now. His eyes were fighting to stay awake, knowing that Seth would probably barge in any minute to talk about some fight he was having with Summer. At least Summer wasn't all the way across the world doing God knows what some sexy Greek sailor guy. He shuddered at the thought that Marissa could be using her pain from their conversation to fuel her well-known penchant for excess. He just hoped that she wasn't drinking. Moving to pick up the crumpled sheets of paper scattered across the floor, Ryan couldn't help but wander what she was doing right now. Had she made it safely to her destination? Was she thinking about him? Would she ever talk to him again? He kept hearing her voice, the last words she had said to him…

'You know what, goodbye Ryan. You aren't the person that I thought you were….have a nice life'

Was this really it? No, he shook his head. This couldn't be how it ends for them. He picked up the letter again, reading it one more time before he sent it off to her.

Dear Marissa,

I'm not sure whether it is the seven cups of coffee I've had tonight or the way things ended between us at the airport, but I can't get my head clear enough to get any sleep. I need you to know what really happened with me and Sadie, even if it means that you may never speak to me again.

It was right after Johnny had died. I could see you pulling away from me, and I didn't want to get hurt again the way I had with the whole Oliver thing. I know that this was completely different, but it felt like I was losing you, and I needed to protect myself from that. So, when Sadie asked me to go with her to find Johnny's dad, I said yes. I needed to escape from my own problems, even if it was only for a little while.

I need you to know that I never did anything with her before we were broken up. But, that night, I just needed not to feel anything. So, after our conversation, things happened, and I slept with her. To this day, I regret jumping so quickly from one girl to another, but you have to know that with her it was never like it was with you.

When she told me she was leaving, I just couldn't bear the thought of losing another person. Then, when she came back and said she had decided to stay, I thought that I had finally been enough for someone to stay. But, it turns out it hadn't been me, but you. Knowing that you did that for me even when we weren't together just shows me that I was wrong for ever leaving you. I should have seen it back when you let me leave for Theresa. I don't know that you will ever know how much that meant to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry. Sorry for always assuming the worst when it comes to you. Sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. Sorry for not trusting and believing in you. It's so hard to do, especially when there are so many things about you that remind me of my mom. The way you always act on impulse, the way your big heart always lets people manipulate you, the way you always need rescuing. But, there are so many good about you that remind me of her too. How you always manage to overcome bad situations, your willingness to help out a friend in need. I know that I shouldn't hold the stuff she did against you, but it's hard not to sometimes.

So, I guess that's pretty much it. I hope that you have an amazing trip, and that you find everything that you were looking for. If you ever need to talk, I know I'm not the most talkative person in the world, but I'll always be here for you.

I love you.

Ryan

As he finished re-reading it, he heard a knock on the door. Assuming it was Seth, he quickly moved to hide the letter and appear as though he was still asleep. The knock persisted, getting louder the second time.

"GO AWAY SETH!" he said, not wanting to be disturbed.

There was a moment of silence before a voice that he was not expecting spoke up.

"Um…Ryan, can I come in?" the voice said somewhat timidly. Even though he had been with them for several years now, she was still unsure as to how to approach him this early in the morning.

"Kirsten?" Ryan questioned as he moved to open the door for her. He looked outside, seeing her fragile frame holding the last thing that he needed, two steaming cups of coffee. There was a worried expression etched across her delicate features. He opened the door to let her in. She carefully came in and handed him the cup, blowing on it lightly to cool it down.

"Thought you might could use this….," she said as she carefully took a sip from her cup.

"Thanks…yeah, I've already had a few already."

"Oh, sorry….I saw your light on when I was up earlier, and I figured you must be having as hard of time sleeping as I am."

He hadn't ever thought that maybe he wasn't the only one in the house who was feeling troubled. He looked over at her, wondering what could make her feel so worried. Then he realized. Them. He and Seth. They were leaving her to go off to college, and she was going to be all alone. He had been so wrapped up in himself that he had neglected to think about how everyone else had been dealing with this change.

There was a pause before Kirsten forced herself to continue.

"Are you okay?" she asked, hoping that he would offer a little more to her than his usual one-word answer.

He looked at her knowing that she knew everything was not okay. He couldn't help but be reminded of when his mother would ask that same question the day after she had passed out and let her boyfriend of the moment take out his aggressions on him. He always said yes even when it wasn't true. But, he couldn't do that. Kirsten may have had a drinking problem, but she was nothing like his mother.

He sat wordlessly on his bed, contemplating whether to open up to her. She cautiously set her cup on the nightstand and sat down next to him. She lightly put her arm around him, and it felt so good to feel that motherly love from her right then. It meant more than any words could.

"I think I might have lost her for good this time," he softly muttered. His head hung dejectedly as he thought again about everything that had transpired just a few short hours ago.

Kirsten saw the angst in his eyes as he spoke aloud this realization and knew that whatever she chose to say, she would have to tread very carefully. She pulled his body closer to her, and he gently laid his head down on her shoulder. Rhythmically, she began to ruffle his hair, hoping to calm him. They sat like this for several minutes, her trying to formulate the best route to help him understand, him silently begging for a mother to give him some insight into the always-misunderstood female mind.

"I know that what I'm about to say may sound a little corny to you, but I swear it's true. When Sandy and I had just graduated from Berkeley, things were so stressful for us. We couldn't live in the sheltered world of college anymore, and we had to figure out what we were going to do next. Those days, it seemed like there was never enough money or happiness. Just stress and worry. One day, it just became too much for me to handle….and, so, I broke up with him."

Ryan looked up at her in surprise. No one had told him about this before.

She continued, seeing the confusion on his face, "I know no one probably ever told you that….believe me, we don't talk about it hardly to this day. Seth doesn't even know."

Ryan couldn't believe it. Here he had always felt like somewhat of an outsider, no matter how much they had tried to include him in their family. But, now, here she was, divulging something to him that she had never even told her own son. He couldn't help but feel somewhat privileged and special that she was sharing this with him.

"So, anyway," she continued, the pain of the memory displaying on her face, "we went our separate ways….I came home to Newport and started working for the Newport Group, much to my father's pleasure. And Sandy, well, I don't really know what he did while we were apart, but he couldn't have possibly been as miserable as I was. I'm not going to lie to you…it was hard, not seeing him, wondering what he was doing, who he was with, if he thought about me. But, I had to figure things out for myself."

She stood up, retrieving her coffee and enjoying a long sip. Ryan did the same as he waited to hear more of her story. How did they end up back together? And, could he hope for the same thing for himself and Marissa?

"So, I bet your wondering how we ended up back together. Well, one day I was at work, just feeling awful about life and wishing for a miracle that would bring me back to him. As I was leaving to grab some lunch, I saw a delivery man walking into the office with a huge sapling tree with a bow wrapped around it. I stopped because immediately I recognized it as the same type of tree that Sandy and I had planted on our first date."

Ryan smirked to himself, mentally picturing Sandy and Kirsten as teenagers. Kirsten could sense the amusement her second son was getting from that image.

"Please…save the tree-hugging hippie jokes for Seth…I need at least ONE nice son not to make cracks on my adolescent adventures!" She smiled broadly at him and continued her story.

"Well, it turns out that Sandy had been thinking about me just as much as I had been about him. When I read the card, I burst into tears just at the thought that he was still wanting me after all I had put him through."

Kirsten sighed, realizing that she was getting to the heart of her story.

"I guess the point I'm trying to make to you is this. You love Marissa, and she loves you. I know that, everyone knows that. No matter what, you two have always found your way back to each other. And, for two young kids, you have had your fair share of obstacles. Just don't give up…if it's really meant to be, then she'll wait for you, no matter how hard you try to push her away. There is this old saying, if you love something enough, set it free. And, if it comes back to you, then you'll know that it truly was meant to be."

This sentiment echoed in Ryan's head continuously after she had said it. As scared as he at the thought of actually letting her go, he knew it was what needed to be done. After Kirsten left the room to get ready for work, Ryan grabbed for the letter. He touched over the words he had worked so hard to pour out onto the paper. This was everything that he had not said, and it would need to come out eventually. But, not now. Now was not the time for him to send this to her. The last thing he wanted to do was pressure her into returning to town when she was not ready.

Ryan quickly put the letter in his top dresser drawer and left the pool house for more coffee. It was going to be a long summer.