Part One: Prolouge

Chapter Three: Wet Dream For The Webzines

"Fawkes, what is it, honey?" I asked my poor cockatiel as she flew to my shoulder. I glared at the boys.

"Nothing's wrong, she just missed you," volunteered James. "So, what's her name?"

"Lily Evans, she's a first year, too. And she asked about a Severus. Wanted to know if he had been in here," I told them, taking back my seat.

Sirius laughed at James, as he was in dreamland, softly saying "Lily Evans" under his breath. "Hey! James! Snap out of it!" shouted Sirius sharply, snapping the bespectecled boy back into reality. "She wants to know about Snivellus, would you care to tell her or shall I?"

James laughed, "Why do you-Oh. Lily wants to know..." he said, comprehension dawning. "Well, that weird, greasy, bit of dung tried to hang in here, but he pissed us off, so we kicked him out," said James vehemently, "Why does Lily want to know?"

"I dunno, hang on," I said, taking Fawkes back across the hall with me.

Melissa had Houdini out, now, and, sure enough, he was a top-hat before I had both feet through the door. The little beast hated me, and the feeling was mutual.

"Lily! Oi! Lily Evans!" I shouted, distracting her, once again, from her book. "In their words, 'Snivellus, that weird, greasy, bit of dung tried to sit in here, but he pissed us off, so we kicked him out,'" I informed her, doing a rather good, I beleive, impression of James. "And the Mr. James Potter would like to know why you care, and, inwardly, will you go out with him?"

The compartment burst into laughter as Lily, already red-faced from James' words, began to blush so furiously that her face matched her hair.

"Well, will you please inform Mr. Potter that Severus is my friend, and not a bloody chance in hell!" she said angrily.

I shrugged. "You got it, Evans." I waved to the rest of them, "See you guys when we get there."

I re-entered my compartment and relayed Lily's messege.

"And, a definite no, not a bloody chance in hell, in her words, on the matter of going out with you, James, dear," I concluded.

"You asked her that?! Why you little...!" he shouted, tackling me.

I had my feet up under his torso, and was about to kick him off when, out of nowhere, he kind of floated off of me. He was supported by none other than Jon, who put him on the floor next to me, hands behind his back, with a large Converse-clad foot holding his arms there.

"You should apologize," the muscular boy said quietly. "She was only trying to help."

I, like an idiot and damsel-in-distress, just stared. Until, quite ferociously, my tomboy pride smacked me upside the head. I jumped up.

"Yeah, you should, you pig!" I yelled at James. When a muffled "Sorry" came from him, Jon helped him back up and into his seat. Jon sat down as well.

"Well, I feel violated," I declared as I sat down next to Jon again. "First I get tackled for being awesome, then my right to defend myself is totally stripped away by some chauvenist. I'm surrounded by pigs." At this, I glared menacingly at my unwanted rescuer.

"Whoa, sorry I tried to help!" he said defensively. "I was taught to always help out a lady in danger-integrity comes with the whole black-belt thing."

"Well I was about to kick the skinny little bit of nothing into next Thursday, but apparently, a "lady" is too delicate to defend herself. Sure glad I'm nowhere near being one!" I shouted at him.

"Well-" he began, only to be cut off by Sirius.

"Okay! So we've resolved that Jamie can defend herself, is a woman, not a lady," he gave me a guady wink, "and that Jon will no longer help her fight scrawny twits, or anyone else, despite his good intentions!"

We all stared at him.

"What? I'm sick of the fighting. I get enough of it at home, okay?"

The conversation akwardly turned to quidditch, and Jon and I were lost. Friends again, I asked him how the Tigers were doing, and what his favourite baseball team was.

"How do you know the Tigers?" he questioned me, startled.

"Eh, I'm not into soccer, and our radio picks up one of the AM stations that the games are broadcasted on, so I rather favour them," I calmly explained.

He looked at me, then started in on how, since he was from Chicago originally, the Cubs were his favourite. We kept talking, and got into another arguement, but a little more friendly ths time.

"Dude, man, the Yankees are all buttholes! The Mets are so much better!" I said, daringly.

"No way! The Mets are terrible! The Yanks win at least twice as often!" he replied, defensively.

"Yeah, but at least the Mets don't just buy the best players! They actually try!" I came back.

"But-" he jerked his head towards the rest of the compartment, who were all watching us fight, and it appeared that Melissa had come over for a minute, and was staring as well.

"You're fighting over what now?" asked Peter, as lost as James, Remus, and Sirius.

"Major League Baseball-it's an American thing," Melissa informed him.

"Oh..."

"Jeez, Jamie, I just came over to let you know that we're almost there, so you need to change. I didn't really expect a show. Anyone got popcorn?" she asked, looking around hopefully. When none appeared, she shrugged. "Anyway, everyone knows the Yanks are better stat-wise, but they buy the talent, which is unfair, so it doesn't count. Therefore, the Mets, who actually work during spring training and the rest of the season, are better. Now get changed."

And she left.

After a moment, Remus stood and pulled his robes out of his trunk, as did Peter and James. Sirius and Jon were already in theirs, and were looking at me expectantly.

"What now?" I sighed.

"Well, aren't you going to change with the girls?" Jon asked carefully.

"Or you could stay here..." Sirius offered, causing Jon and Remus to glare, James to laugh, and Peter to blush.

"I don't feel that I need to change, thank you. I really rather like my outfit," I told them defiantly.

"Well, then put you black robes over it and leave them open, instead of wearing the tie-dye. That way, everyone will be happy," Remus suggested. Smart bloke.

"Oh, fine," I agreed, digging through my mish-mashed luggage. I pulled on my black robes and sat back down after stuffing my cloak in my trunk. James, Remus, and Peter stopped what they were doing.

"What now?" I asked, exasperated.

"Well, turn around, will you?" James said, pulling off his shoes and unbuttoning his fly.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, causing my long dirty-blonde hair to escape one of its low pigtails.

Sirius barked with laughter. "Maybe you should, if you're so embarassed, James. Did you wear the pink briefs today, or what?"

We all began laughing along, causing James to drop his pants and expose, not pink briefs, but bright orange boxers with the Chudley Cannons logo on the leg.

I began laughing harder, and that fact that Remus and Peter were showng off their boxers-black and grey argyle and light blue with rubber duckies, respectively-didn't help much either.

While they finished changing, Sirius looked at Jon. "Well, your turn! Let's see 'em!" he demanded.

Jon laughed and dropped his pants a little, exposing black silk boxers with embroidered red Chinese dragons. He raised an eyebrow at Sirius, then, who laughed and mooned us with his black-and-white checkered silk boxers.

The compartment whooped and clapped for the two, laughing. Then Sirius rounded on me. "Your turn, dollface," he said, with a wolfish grin.

Remus and Jon, of course, looked horrified, and Peter blushed red enough to make a fire truck jealous. James chuckled a bit, as if he didn't expect anyone to take it seriously.

"That's completely un-ladyike, Sirius! Be a gentleman for once!" Remus scolded him. He turned to me," You don't have to Jamie..."

"Well, since it's un-ladylike..." I began as I lifted up my skirt, revealing a pair of short yellow boxers with Spiderman's rainbow-coloured logo on the front. I turned and shook my butt at them a second so they could see the rainbow version of Spidey's face on my rear.

I sat back down with a broad smile on my face.

"Hey, they're my favourite pair!" I told the awe-struck boys. They laughed, recovering from the shock.

"Mine too!" piped in Peter.

"Same here!" came James and Sirius.

"And here!" Jon and Remus this time.

And we were laughing as we pulled into Hogwarts station.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Then everything was a blur. I kept being told to leave my pets and luggage, but I refused. I couldn't leave my babies!

Then there were the boats. James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter were in the one next to Jon, Melissa, Allison, and I. Alice and Glenda had disappeared, and Lily was with Miranda, a greasy-haired lanky boy, and a subtly creepy and imposing platinum-blonde-haired boy on our other side.

We sailed across the huge lake, and finally arrived at the scool.

Oh, who am I kidding?

It was a bloody castle.