A/N: Cookies and shout-outs to those who know where 'Injun Joe' and Mercutio are from! Hint: They are not from the same story.

FUN FACT: I have a band concert tomorrow! We get to play 2nd Suite in F. And March of the Belgian Paratroopers! YAY!!

Disclaimer: Figure it out. Shiz.

There was a young boy, who seemed to be Native American. He wore a long sweater and pants. He stood up on a wooden platform, holding a brown bottle high in the air.

"Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention puh-leaze!" exclaimed the boy.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at him. Carlisle was in the front, beside Esme, his arms were crossed and he was tapping his foot impatiently.

The boy continued, "Are you, or have you known, a soldier or sailor that has been wounded so badly and that it seemed to take forever for him to stop bleeding! Well, my name is Jacob, e'ery'un, and I have the answer to this problem!" he pointed to the bottle and waved it around.

Everyone 'oohed' and 'ahhed'.

"See, I was wounded in the woods one day as I was heading back from the factory at which I used to work at, when I was attacked by a huge bear or wolf, I honestly couldn't tell. Well, someone finally found me and I was quickly taken to a fine doctor. He couldn't find a way to stop the bleedin' an' I had purty much lost color in my skin. Finally, about a week later, an illustrious doctor came, Cox by name, claiming he had something that could stop the bleedin'. He gave me this liquid as precious as gold. I drank it daily like what I was told. And behold!" here he rolled up the sleeves to reveal deep russet skin.

"What was it, boy?" inquired a curious member of the crowd named Emmett.

Jacob smiled, "'Twas Dr Cox's Miracle Elixir. That's what did the trick, sir. That's the truth. How fast did it work, sir? Did it in a jiffy, sir! Just like an elixir ought to do! It only costs a penny!"

Emmett whispered to a woman next to him who was his wife, "It's only a penny, Rosalie! And you know how many people there are with hemophilia!"

Rosalie sighed, "You don't need it, dear."

Jacob jumped down from his place on the platform and walked up to another man named Eric Yorkie, "C'mon, ya know you want it!"

Eric sighed, "Only a penny?"

"That's right!"

Eric game him the money and Jacob pranced away proudly. More people kept buying and this made Jacob ever so happy. A man next to Carlisle opened up a bottle that he had just recently bought. Carlisle grimaced, scrunching up his nose.

"Oh, God, what is that?!" Carlisle waved his hand in front of his nose.

"It's Doct—" began the man.

"I know that! It smells like sewer water mixed with dead mice! Don't you smell that, Esme?"

Esme fanned her hand in front of her face, "Oh, my, do I!"

Carlisle forced the bottle under the man's nose, "Now, tell me you can't smell that!"

The man looked at Carlisle in surprise after taking a sniff and nodded quickly. He, in turn, told the person next to him, who told the person next to him, and eventually almost everyone in the crowd had figured out that Dr Cox's Miracle Elixir was a fraud.

Emmett raced up to Jacob, "Gimme my money back, Injun!"

Injun Joe appeared out of nowhere and slapped Emmett upside the head and muttered something about how uncool it is to make racial slurs. He then disappeared. Emmett stood there in confusion. He and Jacob shrugged at each other in unison.

More crowd members gathered around Jacob and demanded their money back. Jacob looked around in the throng for his boss, Dr Cox. They were all screeching and yelling at him, some even threw their bottle of the medicine at him. Jacob felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned around quickly.

"Talk to him!" he cried, presenting Dr. Perry Cox.

"I am Perry Cox, the king of the doctors. The doctor of kings! Good day everyone!" he bowed proudly, "Now, who here says that my medicine is a fraud, hm?"

Carlisle separated himself from the crowd in a graceful stride, "I do. I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen—"

"The demon doctor of Fleet Street!" exclaimed Mercutio, who, like Injun Joe, had appeared out of nowhere and was exclaiming things no one cared about or paid attention to. When Carlisle glared at him evilly, Mercutio gasped and ran away into the streets, never to be seen nor heard from again. No one comprehended this, and assumed that their minds were foolin' around, but it happened. Oh yes, it did.

"Anyway, I have opened a bottle of Dr Cox's Miracle Elixir and have come to the conclusion that it is nothing but a fake. And furthermore, mister, I have serviced no kings, but I bet you that I can diagnose a patient and treat him with twenty times dexterity (A/N: ROMEO AND JULIET VOCAB WORD!! eeeee go me!) than anyone else could!"

Dr Cox sneered, "Do you hear this idiotic man?! I invite you all to see him lose this bet with utter humiliation!"

Carlisle looked at Beadle Mike Newton, "Will you be the judge, Beadle Newton?"

"Of course! Never turn down a request from friends and neighbors, that's my motto!" grinned Newton, "Ready?"

"Ready," replied Cox and Cullen at the same time.

"The fastest, quickest diagnosis is the winner!" exclaimed the beadle.

"Anyone feelin' uneasy?" Carlisle shouted to the crowd. Emmett raised his hand, and Carlisle motioned for him to join him on the platform. Dr Cox looked around desperately, but no one else volunteered.

"Jacob…?" pleaded Cox.

"No, sir! I'm fine, just—!"

Cox punched him in the stomach, and Jacob coughed and shrank in pain reflexively, "How about now"

Jacob glared as Dr Cox thrust him onto a stool opposite Emmett.

Carlisle nodded at Dr. Cox, and they both set to work. Cox narrated so everyone could hear how skilled a physician he was.

"See, what we have here is a boy who does not feel well. He is writhing in pain, which means that somewhere on the inside there is a problem…" Cox quickly stole a glance at Carlisle, who was peering inside Emmett's mouth.

Since Dr Cullen was moving at a somewhat glacial place, Dr Cox ignored Jacob for the time being and told a story of one of his more famous patients. During this, he kept glancing over at Carlisle, who was taking his time with Emmett. He was more personal with him, asking for Emmett to carefully describe his symptoms with detail. Dr Cox took his time with Jacob when he finally started to work on him. He was just about to tell Beadle Newton that he was almost done with his patient, but Carlisle was done with Emmett very quickly while Dr Cox had been elaborating on his stories of famous clients.

"Beadle Newton!" Carlisle called. He told the beadle what Emmett's disease was. Newton raised the good doctor's arm and announced him the winner.

Dr Cox pouted and accused Carlisle of cheating, and Beadle Newton told him that that was not so. Cox crossed his arms and pouted, exiting with Jacob.

He was about to leave with Esme when he got a spectacular idea. Beadle Newton was very close with Chief Swan. If he could only tell Newton to tell Swan to get a check up or something… Swan would be in his office and Carlisle would cheerfully dispose of him.

"You did a good job up there, Dr Cullen," the lawman said to the doctor when he was alone with him and Esme.

"Thank you, sir. Say, how would you like a check-up? You can come anytime you like, my door is always open," devilishly smiled Carlisle.

"Sure thing, doc! That sounds like a great idea! I'll be there before the week is out."

"Oh, and while you're at it, please ask Chief Swan to come when he gets a chance."

Carlisle said good-bye to the beadle and he and Esme walked back to the pie shop. The doctor was overcome with joy.

A/N: Well, there ya have it! Some Carlisle/Esme songified action will be up next! Not to mention Charlie/Mike/Alice/Jasper/Tanya! And that offer for the 'My Dr Acula' co-author is still up. :)