A/N: A HA! Look what I did! I'm good…

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Twilight, it would take place during the Civil War or on the Titanic, Bella and Edward would die painfully, Mike Newton and Jacob Black would be gay lovers, and Jasper and Carlisle would be principal characters. Is this so? No. No. No, NO! –bangs hand on desk- Ow.

"Bella, c'mon!" hissed Edward.

"But it's dirty!" wihned The Skank To End All Skanks.

"It's fine!" Edward yanked Bella's arm and they stood together in the Garfieldian clothes. Bella's Lucretia dress had a huge chocolate stain on it. On top of that stain was another stain consisting of apple juice and pistachio ice cream.

Bella frowned as Edward began,

"His hands were quick and especially strong. It stung a lot… but—"

"Dr Cox didn't turn into a vampire guys, okay?! And no one thought of Carlisle the same again. And he's a hypocrite, too, I guess, 'cause the libretto says so," Bella said hurriedly.

Edward glared at her, "What was that for?"

Bella gritted her teeth together, "There. Is. A. Stain. On. My. Dress."

Before the whoretensio could explode, Edward carried her far far away.

That night, Chief Charlie Swan sat in his study adjacent to Alice's room.

"Damn, that Alice is so fine! Mhmm! She looks so nice today… Wait, Charlie, don't think like that… Alice… you're so pretty… I wanna like, y;know… Bad Charlie! Don't think like that! … I. Need. Alice. A. Lot. CHARLIE, BAD! No, I can't take this anymore. I need Alice. Yes. Yes, I do."

Chief Swan walked over to his non-daughter's room and opened the door, "Alice?"

She was reading Candide. She laughed and muttered something about Dr. Pangloss and set the amazing book down. She glanced up at her father figure, "Yes?"

"Uhm… Well, I noticed that there was a soldier who has been hanging around the house lately. And, I hope that you haven't been having much or any contact with him. I have someone else for you in mind. Like…well…"

"Who?" Alice said eagerly.

"Me."

Alice gasped and brought her hand to her mouth. She quickly gave an excuse about something or other and asked to go to bed. Chief Swan nodded and he left the room.

The next morning, Chief Swan was at the Police Station. Jasper was in Alice's room He could tell she was upset. He crossed over to her side and gave her a friendly hug.

"What's wrong, love?" asked the concerned soldier.

"Chief Swan plans to marry me Monday!" she wailed and sat down on her bed.

Jasper's face lit up as he sat beside her, "I have a plan, Alice!"

She didn't pay attention, "I know! I can kill myself on Sunday! Yes, I can get some arsenic easily…"

"I have a plan!"

Alice turned to Jasper, "I think I heard a noise!"

"No, Alice! I have a plan!"

She got off of her bed and started pacing, "Did you hear that? He can't be back so soon! He—"

Jasper grabbed her in his arms and pulled his face closer to hers, "Kiss me!"

"Oh, sir…"

"Ah, miss…"

"Oh, sir… What if he does marry me Monday!? I would still kill myself…" sighed Alice.

"We'll leave tonight," said Jasper.

"It's Friday, really close to Sunday! We only have so much time together!"

"We'll. Leave. Tonight." Jasper said loudly.

Alice turned to him, "You must hide!"

"No! Ton—"

"I think I heard the gate!" she gasped.

Jasper folded his arms, "Silly girl, you don't have a gate!"

"I swore I heard a noise! It was probably—"

"ALICE!" exclaimed Jasper.

She stood there, dumbfounded for a few seconds, "Yes?"

"Kiss me, darling. We'll leave tonight."

"Tonight?!"

"Yes, dear. And then we can be together," Jasper kissed her again.

"I love you, sir! It does not even matter that I still don't know your name…"

Jasper, for once, was the one not paying attention, "I steal you… dear Alice…" he turned to the love of his life, "You'll marry me on Monday!"

"Of course!" Alice squealed as she clapped her hands together.

Jasper gave her the address and time at which they were supposed to meet that night.

"I knew I'd be with you one day, sir. I just knew it," Alice leaned in for a kiss.

"I love you," Jasper managed,

Chief Swan and Beadle Newton were walking home while Jasper and Alice had made their marital plans.

"So… Newton… I have decided to marry Alice on Monday!" Chief Swan said in order to break an awkward silence.

"That's great, sir! What was her reaction?"

"Eh… she didn't seem too happy," the chief shrugged.

The beadle smiled, "Don't take this the wrong way, Charlie, but you don't look so great yourself. And you know how girls adore good-looking men!"

"Maybe you're right…" coughed Chief Swan.

"And, evidently, you probably aren't feeling your best, either. I know a fantastic doctor, a Dr Carlisle Cullen…"

"Cullen, you say?" Swan and Newton continued walking back to the former's home.

Speaking of Swan's house…

"I was thinking, Alice. We shouldn't wait until Monday," Jasper said.

"Yes… I agree," nodded the girl.

"Is Sunday better, darling?" he walked over to her.

"How about Saturday?!" she exclaimed.

"Or…" he smiled, "Tonight!"

Just as she was about to answer him, Alice proclaimed that she heard a noise. After Jasper repeatedly telling her that she was mistaken, Alice agreed that he was right and that she was a 'silly little ninnynoodle'. Then, they proceeded to kiss.

"What should I wear!? Oh, I need to go shopping!" Alice released herself from Jasper's grasp and searched her room for satisfying objects to bring.

"There's no time, love."

"You're right again, sir! Since you will be with me anyway, what do I care what things I don't have?!" Alice grinned, hugging him.

"Ah… I love you, too, Alice!" Jasper hugged back.

"I love you, too, sir! It does not matter that I still don't know your name!" Alice admitted.

The solider pulled the girl away from him, "Jasper!"

"Jasper…" she sighed, "I knew you'd come for me one day! I'll marry Jasper Sunday…"

Downstairs, she heard a click for real this time, as Chief Swan entered. He said a little too loud, though it was to remind himself, "Cullen."

Alice quickly turned to Jasper and motioned for him to leave out her window. They kissed a final time.

"Oh, sir…"

"Ah, miss…"

And Chief Swan had no idea that Jasper was there at all.

A knock came on Alice's door shortly afterwards. Chief Swan told her that he was going out again to Dr. Carlisle Cullen's.

A/N: Yay! I promised for true, guys! R&R, si'l vous plait!