How could he reconcile this with the admiral who promoted him with a hand shake and respect shining in her eyes? She had been right, her experience in the military matched his own almost exactly, her drive to be better than anyone. Lee had pushed himself to and beyond the breaking point to get where he was, he'd only joined the reserves to become a test pilot and consultant on the M-Eight program.
Cain understood him as only Kara ever had before. She understood for different reasons, they had shared the experience of bad childhoods. Cain understood what the weight of a legendary father felt like. The resentment for the people who thought you only ever succeeded because of your name when in truth you wanted nothing to do that name. The constant simmering distrust of anyone who befriended you for fear they only wanted to use your name for their own benefit.
Cain had gone through that and even if her relationship with her father hadn't been as strained as his she still knew what he'd been going through since he joined the military.
In addition to that, she was offering him the chance to take the fight to the Cylons and retake their homes. He'd begun to loose hope that they'd ever go back to the Colonies to rescue the survivors. He knew Kara would go to the Commander honestly and she'd have his back when he proposed the mission, but never in a thousand lifetimes would either the Old Man or the President say yes. They were both obsessed with the quest for Earth. Then the Pegasus appeared.
It was as though Cain was sent by the Gods to help him, to give him exactly what he needed, when he needed it. Then again, maybe she'd been sent by the Devil instead. To make him these offers to test him and turn him against his father.
As though that was not enough, he'd been ordered to assassinate Cain in her own CIC after the battle. Clearly a death sentence, he'd either be shot and killed right there or he'd be chucked out the nearest airlock. He wouldn't even get the illusion of a trial; her people would just kill him. In two days, he'd be dead, either in the cockpit or in Pegasus' CIC.
He wondered what Roslin might have said to his father to convince that man to send his own son to his inescapable death. The pair seemed united, at least on the surface, but his father wasn't a monster. Lee knew that there was at least a part of him that was racked with guilt, but he was a soldier to the end, even if that end cost him his son.
Then Roslin started talking about all the horrible things that Cain had been rumored to have done. Laird and Thornton had both alluded to things they'd seen since the attack and Tigh had apparently coerced confirmation of those things from Fisk. The whole time a part of him was trying to justify all these things, mostly to himself, as necessary to her ultimate goal of returning to and retaking their homes.
In the end, he left without giving them an answer, as he reached the hatch his father's voice stopped him. "I need an answer, son." Lee was prepared to tell him where to go with his answer when he spoke more gently, "Lee, if there were any other way, any other person…"
He sighed and said, "You'll have your answer tomorrow, sir."
He returned to Pegasus and that brought him here.
He heard his pilots entering the ready room before their briefing on the operation and Lee swallowed his turmoil and stowed away his doubts. He took a deep breath and caught sight of himself in the mirror; all he could see was the stone face of a CAG with a job to do.
He marched into the ready room and heard Red Devil call out, "Attention on deck!"
The group shot to their feet as one and Lee stopped behind his podium, "At ease, take your seats." He pressed a button and the screens behind him came to life, "This is a strike operation, the primary target is a ship the Cylons call 'Resurrection.' As you've read in your dossiers, we will be drawing the Cylons to us under the guise of mining operations…" His eyes caught Stinger's. The former CAG was sitting in the back row, looking less like an officer and more of a petulant teenager with his arms folded over his chest and his dossier closed. "Is there a problem, Stinger?"
The older man smirked, "No, Major, sir. No problem at all, I'm sure your little plan is great, I'm sure the Admiral approves of it; did she approve your plan, sir? Approve it personally?"
Lee noticed that a few pilots were sniggering, he smirked. "Are you implying something, Captain?"
Stinger shook his head, "Oh no, sir. I have absolute respect for you and your ability to satisfy Admiral Cain."
Starbuck's words from the other day came back to him, he was the CAG and he could not have his authority questioned by his people. Lee stepped out from behind his podium and said, "Captain Taylor, front and center, right now."
When Taylor was at attention in front of him, Lee spoke. "I'll skip the pretense; you think I'm some idiot Daddy's boy who got to where I am with crazy stunts and the ability to frak the Admiral to her satisfaction. Meanwhile I think you're just an arrogant asshole with no ability to plan a frakking recon mission, much less a combat op and how you and your pilots survived in spite of you frakking mystifies me." Taylor's fist clenched and Lee stepped right into his face, "It's also apparent that you have too much time on your hands if you have enough time to sit in the rec room and trash me like a frakking coward, so I'm going to help you out, with a new job."
He turned to the other pilots, "Two Times, Narcho and Grease-ball, on your feet." The pilots snapped to attention and Lee said, "Two Times, you were put on raptors last month for being late to a briefing, you're back on vipers on Catbird's wing. Grease-ball, you're front seat again; Stinger will be your back-seater. Narcho, you'll be commanding Blue Squadron now." He turned back to Stinger, "In addition to you're serving as Grease-ball's ECO, I'm busting your rank to Lieutenant, until you can remember who the frakking CAG is around here. Now take your frakkin' seat." He spun on his heel and returned to his podium while Taylor returned to his seat.
"Blue Squadron, for this operation you'll be designated 'Flight One…'"
&&&&&&&&&
Lee found himself standing outside of Cain's quarters several hours later. All he could think was that if he could ask her what had happened, she might be able help him understand why. After he'd finished his duties for the day he called her CIC and requested some time to speak with her.
The marine saluted him and swiped his id, the hatch part and Lee entered the Admiral's cabin. After he saluted, she offered him a drink and stood across from each other at her table. She looked him over as she poured his drink, "Are you alright, Major?"
He looked into the bottom of his glass and frowned, "Permission to speak freely, sir?"
He heard the sound of a glass being filled, "By all means."
He took a sip of his drink and ignored the burn that traveled down his throat, "D-did Pegasus have a civilian fleet?"
When she didn't answer right away he looked up at her hopefully, Cain had knocked back her drink and refilled it. "I have been wondering when we'd have this conversation, actually."
"Sir, I understand quite well that you've had to make some hard choices since the attack. With the exception of my father and President Roslin, I probably understand better than anyone."
She shook her head, "I wish they were just hard choices, Lee. I wish I only had hard choices… I've had unbearable choices, right from the start. We were at Picon Fleet Yard, preparing to stand down before a refit. Most of our computers were already offline with the exception of DRADIS and the FTL." She was looking through him now, "I was finishing up paperwork when they attacked, I got as many people as I could onboard before I ordered a blind jump. However, before we could jump, our Cylon Mole, one of my own frakking people managed to allow a bunch of bullet-heads on board. They ignited some of the fuel and ammunition on the flight deck.
"Over seven-hundred people died, most of them burning alive, before we could jump and get the fires under control." She took a drink and continued, "We were half-manned and nearly crippled, limping through the system when we came across about a dozen civilian ships. I made a decision Lee, one that I'm not proud of, but it was necessary. If I was ever going to get the Cylons out of the system, I'd need to concentrate on fighting them. I couldn't do that with a fleet to protect, I'd only end up getting all of us killed, so we jumped near Virgon and stripped the ships before instructing their captains to put down on the planet then jumped away.
"After we jumped away, I came in here and allowed myself to feel the guilt in private." She took another drink, "I've made a thousand choices just like that one, Lee. I've ordered a prisoner tortured and probably put several thousand people to death indirectly, I know I'm going to Hell for that when I die but if it means that I can save the people of the Colonies before I do, I'll suffer damnation proudly."
She looked Lee in the eye, "That's something you'll have to learn now that you're in command. You make decisions that affect people's lives and sometimes it requires you to do something horrible. Sometimes people die, good people, most of them just kids that you put in an airlock, drape a flag over them and spout off words about duty and honor before you put them out the airlock. Do you know why? Because no one else can, that's why."
She scowled, "You never hesitate, even for a second, because when you do, it gets even worse. More people die, more kids with a flag draped over them before you put them out the airlock. You're going to reach a point where you'll have to do something horrible, Lee. Everyone does and when it does, you can't afford to hesitate even for the sake of your conscience."
She set her glass aside, "I've put a lot of trust and faith into you, Lee. I did that because I see someone who understands the consequences of hesitation. So I want you to make me a promise."
Lee set his forgotten glass aside, "Name it, Admiral."
"When that moment comes, I want you to promise me you won't flinch or hesitate. If you can do that, you know that I'll be proud of you. Can you promise me that, Lee?"
He looked her in the eye and wondered for just a moment if she knew.
Did she know he'd been ordered to kill her?
Gods, was she asking him to kill her when that moment came?
Finally, he swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, "Absolutely, sir."
She smiled, "Good Lee, Good."
"If you don't mind sir, I'd like to take the courier run to Galactica, speak with their CAG to hammer out some of the finer points of the Op. I'll be back before Twenty-two Hundred."
&&&&&&&&&
Bill was in the middle of a report when the knock came. "Enter."
The hatch came open and Lee entered the room, he crossed the office and held out a courier satchel. "Courier run from Pegasus, sir."
He felt a smile come to his lips unbidden, "Isn't this a little beneath the CAG?" His smile came apart when he noticed an almost disturbed look on his face.
"I volunteered for this one." Bill opened the bag and removed the papers then began signing off in the appropriate places. "I needed to speak with you about my… mission."
Bill sighed, "Are you here to talk me out of it? Because…"
Lee shook his head, "No sir, I need you to do two things for me."
Bill sighed, "Alright."
Lee looked him in the eye hard, "Tell me it has to be done."
"Son?"
"Tell me it's the only choice we have left." Lee looked almost desperate, "I know it won't be the right thing to do, but tell me it's our last chance."
Bill got to his feet, "It's all we have left."
He nodded and took a deep breath, "I'll do it." He pointed to the forms, "Just sign there and that's it." Bill signed the last form and handed Lee the satchel and clipboard. "Mixed in with the fuel consumption reports are letters for Karl and Sharon and one for Kara." He swallowed hard, "Also one for you, make sure they get to them. About my tags, i-if they don't airlock my body, I want Kara to have them." He straightened up to his full height, "Will that be all, sir?"
Bill nodded and Lee left his cabin, possibly for the last time.
&&&&&&&&&
Lee entered the locker room just as the PA rang out, "Attention Pegasus. Jump prep underway. Viper pilots report to ready room in five minutes. Decoy squadrons, check in with CIC."
He pulled off his blues and folded them before putting them in his locker and pulling out his flight suit and gear. He pulled on the suit and breather gear. He then took out his gun belt and strapped it on before he zipped and buckled up. He pulled out his sidearm from the locker and checked the clip and safety then holstered his weapon.
He grabbed his collar and gloves then left the locker room.
When he turned down the hall towards the port-topside flight deck he noticed Colonel Fisk leading a team of marines in his direction. Lee pushed down the thought that they were coming for him and kept walking. Fisk had been ordered to take marines over to Galactica to help repel boarders if need be. Finally, he stepped to one side of the corridor without breaking stride. He and Fisk caught each other's eye and the XO spoke, "Good hunting, Major."
He nodded, "You too, Colonel."
He turned down the corridor and walked onto the flight deck to prepare for launch, Cain's words still on his mind. He'd reached his no-win scenario and he wouldn't flinch, not even when they killed him.