Chapter Three

Alex and Teresa sat on the sofa and sipped tea. They had been quietly chatting about the people they were eleven years ago for about an hour, ever since Bobby went to read to Madison.

"You have a nice family, Alex," Teresa said.

Alex gave her a small smile and nodded.

"I know we don't look like we make much sense and everybody assumes we stayed together because of Madison, but I fell in love with him…as much as I tried not to, I did."

"I'm sorry…I never meant to imply that—"

"It's okay…things happened a lot faster than either of us planned…but it works."

Teresa nodded. "I'm glad you were able to find someone…but it still might take me a while to get use to it…everything's so different."

Alex nodded. "Don't I know it."

Teresa sighed and then took another sip of her tea.

"The chief came by and told me about the arrest…he said his name was Delgado…was it…"

"His son," Alex said.

Teresa shook her head and fought back her tears.

"Why did Copa say he saw what he saw?"

"He just assumed…"

"But why…it wasn't his fault…he did everything he was supposed to…why not just say he wasn't there."

Alex sighed and shifted.

"He…he wasn't on a bathroom break."

"What?"

"He, um, he got a text from a woman…Bobby said he called her a 'cop groupie,' he was in her car during…"

"Jesus…poor Doreen," Teresa said, her tears turning to quiet anger, and then abruptly turned to Alex. "You don't think Kevin—"

"No, no…I don't think he even knew where Copa was going…"

Teresa nodded and let out a long sigh.

"Thank you…I needed to know the truth."

"I know you did," Alex said, involuntarily glancing over her shoulder to try to see down the hall.

They sat quietly for a little while longer until Teresa excused herself, tightly hugging and thanking Alex before Alex showed her out.

After locking the door, Alex made her way back to Madison's room. She found Bobby sitting with one leg stretched along the bed and the other hanging off the side. Madison was curled against him asleep and his fingers combed through her hair.

"You hiding out?" Alex asked, leaning on the doorframe.

He looked up at her with a half smile.

"A little," he said. "You two needed to talk…I didn't want to make her…either of you uncomfortable."

"It's your house."

"Yours too."

Alex smiled and stepped further into the room. She leaned over Bobby and kissed Madison's cheek. On the way back up she brushed her lips against his before standing straight.

"I going to try to go to sleep," Alex said. "Don't stay up all night reading, okay?"

He nodded, knowing she specifically meant Brady's confession.

"I won't."

Alex nodded. She could see he wanted to say more, but was thankful when he bit his tongue and let her walk out the door.

Once in their bedroom, Alex stripped, slipped into one of Bobby's old T-shirts, and then crawled into bed. She lay down on her back and pulled the covers up to her waist as she stared at the span of white above her, while Madison, Bobby and Joe mingled in her head; numerous strong emotions fighting for supremacy.

She wasn't sure how long she stared at the ceiling and she didn't remember falling asleep, but the next thing she knew it was three a.m. and she was once again staring up at the ceiling.

She looked toward her right and saw Bobby asleep on his side facing her, just close enough to not be touching her. She understood what he was doing: he wanted to be close to her, but didn't want to crowd her.

Alex reached her arm across her chest and lightly ran her finger down the bridge of his nose. He shifted slightly and then she rolled onto her side so that they were face to face. It was rare for her to actually see him sleep, though she was probably the one person who knew, despite his fidgeting and need for stimulation, that he also craved the stillness.

"Bobby…"

He sucked in deep inhalation of air and stretched as his eyes opened. He squinted and twisted to look over at the clock.

"Well this is different…" he said as he settled back on his side. "…you waking me up at odd hours."

She gave a thin smile as she watched him lay his head back down, so that they were eye to eye.

"I need to talk to you."

She could see the worry building up blocks in his eyes, but he nodded.

"O-okay."

She grasped his arm and rolled back onto her back, dragging his arm across her ribs. Her fingers weaved into his hair, realizing it was well over due a cut and her lips twitched upwards at the softness of it between her fingers.

He rested his chin on her shoulder and focused on his arm moving with the rise and fall of her chest, while he waited for her to continue.

"I…I think I need to go to Joe's grave," Alex said and then found herself frustrated at the unreadable expression on his face. "I haven't been since before Madison was born and everything between us…you and me…it happened so fast, not that I regret it…I don't, but I think maybe I never really said good-bye because of it."

"You-you don't need my permission…I-I know I wasn't the one who was supposed to have all this with you—"

"Bobby…I don't want you to feel like you're some consolation prize…you're not—"

"Most…most of me knows that," he said, his hand drifting upward to toy with the chain around her neck. "But it…it's hard to know that if…if things had gone differently…I wouldn't have had any of this."

"But see, that's the thing. I don't know that," Alex said. "I guess that's what tears me up so much now…the possibility that I would have eventually hurt him…left him…"

"You can't know that—"

"But you can?"

Bobby quietly huffed and propped himself up on his elbow, trailing his finger down the chain to the ring and emerald solitaire that hung from it.

"I don't guess either of us can know what might have happened if…" his voice fell short.

"You can say the words, Bobby…if he hadn't died…it's okay to say it."

He nodded and then looked up at her eyes.

"If going to his grave will help…th-then go."

She looked down at his hand and began to trace his veins with her forefinger.

"I feel like you should come with me…and eventually maybe Mad too…I understand if you aren't comfortable with her going—"

"If you want her to—"

"I want to know what you want…she's your daughter and I'd never do anything that would make you feel like I'm undermining your relationship with her."

"I know that," Bobby said. "But I also understand you must have thought what she'd be like if—"

"I never thought that," Alex said a little louder and with more anger than she intended. "Jesus, Bobby, what do I have to do? I can't always be the one holding us together."

She turned her head away from him at the sound of the cracking in her own voice, as her chest heaved in an effort to control her tears and frustration. He had the nerve to open all this up, but now can't deal with what came out and expects me to just be able to clean everything up. So fucking typical.

Bobby shifted and ran his hand down his face.

"Alex…" he said, reaching his hand over and cupping her neck.

She willingly rolled over as he urged her movements with a gentle tug and hugged her as she buried her face in his chest.

"Do you know how much it hurts knowing you think that?" Alex asked. "I'm sorry, but I can't deal with your stupid insecurities right now. I know you're still hurting, but I…we shouldn't be something you're uncertain about."

Bobby planted kisses on the crown of her head and murmured, "I'm sorry."

Alex pulled back, but kept her eyes on his T-shirt and he could see she was fighting not to cry.

"Don't be sorry, just…why can't you believe that I need you? I know I'm not always as affectionate as you are…and I'm not as…sensitive, but…"

He pulled her against him again as her voice trailed.

"I don't…I don't know what to do…I'm so use to you being the one that keeps it together, that when you can't…I can't help but feel…uncertain…about everything."

"I know this has to be hard for you, but I can't just ignore that part of my life to appease your insecurities…"

"I'm not asking you to…I know you need to deal with all this…get closure, but I don't know what role I'm suppose to play in that…or-or if I even have one."

"Of course you have one, Bobby," Alex said, wrapping her arm around his side. "You're my best friend…when things go bad or I need someone to talk to you're always the first person I think of…you have been for a long time, probably longer than you know."

He massaged her neck with his fingers, while she rested her cheek on his chest.

"Look," Bobby said, still collecting his thoughts. "I'll…I'll work on keeping my…insecurities…in check, okay? I-I love you…and I know you love me, but it…it's different for you than it is for me. I've never had this before…and I-I can't lose that…"

"What makes you think I can?" Alex asked. "God, watching Teresa, remembering what that felt like…I can't…I can't do that again."

He held her tighter and kissed the top of her head, silently berating himself for not assuming that she would naturally have a fear of burying another man she loved.

Bobby worked his fingers against her scalp and felt her body go heavy with exhaustion from carrying the weight of all of her own emotions, as well as his. He craned his neck to see her face and noticed that her eyes had slipped closed. He continued massaging her head as he settled on his back to stare up at the ceiling, while still holding her close.