VII
The next night, Kim, Ron, and Yori were at Drakken's secret lair off the coast of Thailand. Ron and Yori had excused themselves to meditate and train, and since Kim was nervous about infecting him and had bigger things to worry about, she swallowed the jealousy that was threatening to overtake her. She finally walked to an outside balcony and watched the moon reflecting on the waves of the Pacific. It helped to calm her mind and forget her problems.
She was comforted that the process should be nearly complete, and she was still herself, and feeling better. Far better than ever, actually. What was odd is that she felt a greater mind-body control than she had ever known, so she could activate her adrenaline on demand if she wanted. She picked up on vision and sound a lot better than she'd ever done, the night appearing more like just before dawn to her eyes with more stars, the waves crashing with such clarity as if they were much closer. Her throat still felt funny, but it no longer bothered her. She didn't know why, but she had a strong feeling her mother would figure it out. She was a brain surgeon, after all.
"Ninjas? You, Kimmie?" Shego laughed, both amused and mocking, as she joined Kim on the outdoor balcony. Kim noticed that her laugh was just a little scratchy as her own voice still was, though better. It appeared that the worst of the immediate effects were over for her, too. Which would mean she was tired, but functional. Oh, so functional.
"Yeah, ninjas," answered Kim tersely. "You've got a problem with that?"
Shego still grinned wickedly. "Oh, I don't, I just thought they'd be too shady for the likes of you."
Kim blinked. She tried to fight the impulse to ask why, but she couldn't help herself. "Why is that?"
She shook her head. "My poor naive princess. Don't you know that even the best of ninjas are shady characters?"
"They're not all assassins," answered Kim, a little defensively.
"No," agreed Shego, "they're not. But they work together more often than not as spies, intriguers, guerrillas, saboteurs, and thieves. Whether their blades are literal or metaphoric, they strike from the shadows, usually in the back of their victims. And they're a bane to the just as much as a thorn to tyrants."
"Scared, Shego?" asked Kim, with a little mockery of her own.
"Not really," said Shego. "I've a healthy respect for them, but I think I'm more aware of what they are than you are."
"Not if you think they're evil."
"They're not evil. But they're not good either." She shrugged. "No one outside their orders even knows what their moral code is, because they keep it in the shadows too much. Even when someone claims to know, might even really believe they know, it could just be more smoke, mirrors and window dressing to hide their true aims."
"Really?" asked Kim skeptically.
"Really, Princess. You know the first ninjas came from religious exiles in China that had fled to Japan to escape persecution. But the samurai wouldn't tolerate them either. They were foreign barbarians at best, spies at worst. And their code was more individualistic, not like the stolid, glory-seeking samurai." She grinned at Kim, adding, "If you were alive back then, Kimmie, the samurai would have you trying to flush them out. The ninjas be your enemies, not your allies. 'Course, they'd slip someone in to manipulate your support staff or even replace them, and you'd trust them implicitly, and they'd then use you to THEIR advantage while you thought you were fighting against them. Either that, or if they couldn't use you, they'd eliminate you. You probably wouldn't even know it until the person you thought was your best friend stuck a blade into you. Assuming they didn't just slowly poison you, causing you to make mistakes that cost you your life if it didn't kill you outright. Or they'd frame you and let you and their other enemies kill each other, a win-win sitch for everyone. Everyone being them."
Kim turned away and glared out over the ocean, forgetting the moon reflecting over the waters. "Like you'd know."
"I've had a little training in their arts myself, by a clanless Kunoichi, but just enough to know not to trust anything I hear about them. They're the masters of keeping you guessing or making you think you know so that it doesn't occur to the casual thinker to look any closer at them. They see themselves and their enemies as part of an inseparable whole, and they'll use their enemies and betray their friends if it's according to their inscrutable code of honor, an awareness without judgment, affected by individual jonin of the various clans."
"Not everyone is as bad as you."
"Didn't say they were. But ninjas aren't like you, either. They're somewhere in between. They try to purify themselves so that thought becomes word that becomes deed, and they strive to put practicality over morality. It's how they survived, along with testing themselves to perfection against adversity in many skills, not just martial ones. Rooted in shugendo, the way of nature, they progressed in skill attempting the same balance of good and evil, of day and night, of kindness and cruelty, as nature itself, in order to reach perfection within. The way of nature, including the good and the bad, the love and the hate, flowed in all their training, too: water taught them how to flow around their enemies, letting their enemies waste their energy on trying to find and crush them, and to crush their enemies like a tidal wave when they couldn't. To be as invisible but ever present as air, and as deadly as a hurricane when it suited them to do so. It's all expressed in their kuji-kiri, in a very odd way. They called testing themselves against their adversaries 'shugyo,' and like us, didn't shy away from problems, seeing them as opportunities."
Kim blinked to hear Shego talk about religion and philosophy so casually, and recalled that she was a fully credentialed teacher. "Am I to understand you have ninja sensibilities?"
"What?" Shego laughed then added, still laughing, "Oh, no. Not at all." Calming down, she asked, "Do you really want to know my philosophy?" When Kim nodded cautiously, she said, "Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken."
After a moment, Kim raised a brow. "What kind of messed up philosophy is that?"
"You don't recognize it?"
"Should I?"
"Slightly adapted from the code of the Sith. Ask Wade about it, if you ever can."
"Why am I not surprised? You DID help steal Felix's wheelchair," said Kim, looking a little sad.
"Hey, that was Dr. D's idea!" shouted Shego. "I told him not to..." She stopped herself.
"Yes?" asked Kim wondering.
"Nothing," she said, looking back out over the Pacific. "This entire sitch is just weird, you know?"
"I've been in weirder sitches. Ever been changed into a monkey?" As Shego looked back to Kim and shook her head, she added, "When I said 'so not the drama,' I lied."
Shego smiled a little. "Ever been hit by a meteor?"
"And turned into a superhero? Nope." Kim frowned then. "What I don't get is why you and Drakken are so tight together when you couldn't stand Team Go. You must really like him."
"Please," answered Shego, "I could go to work for other villains who pay more, but they'd make more demands, and I don't want that. So I say with Dr. D. But even he drives me crazy from time to time."
"Then why?" asked Kim.
Shego shrugged. "He amuses me, as long as I don't have to put up with him for too long. He takes care of the essentials of life so I don't have to worry about it, and keeps me from getting bored."
"Didn't Team Go do that for you?"
Shego responded with a sound of annoyance. "They were even more annoying than Dr. D. And they wanted ME to take care of the essentials. They wouldn't give me the position, they wanted to be the ones in charge, but it was left to me to take care of anything and everything while keeping them focused. I got tired of not being appreciated and yet being the one to fix things up. Look at history, you'll see it's women that make things happen on the side. If many of the great men, good and bad, hadn't been taken care of by disciples or women who loved them, the world never would've learned of the genius, talent, or other remarkable ability of whatever male. But the women in the background that made it all possible are barely even mentioned. I didn't want to be one of those women."
Kim smiled, amused. "Shego, no way would history gloss YOU over."
Shego softened noticeably, and smiled wickedly. "Now it won't."
Kim shivered a bit. "Ok, whatever. But I think they appreciated you," replied Kim. "And what I don't get is if you hated them so much, why did you give them their powers back?"
"Give?" asked Shego, in a tight, threatening tone.
Kim hesitated and then dove right in. "You let me beat you 'way too easily. I think you couldn't stand the idea of betraying your brothers. That means you must feel something for them that isn't hateful."
"Stop with the psychoanalyzing already."
"I'm just trying to figure you out is all."
Shego shrugged. "Life is just a bunch of meaningless suffering. Pick a side, but good and evil are constantly working at each other, strengthening each other, at least those who are willing to let the flow strengthen them rather than be swept away in the tides. Like they say in Thailand, 'At low tide, ants eat fish, at high tide, fish eat ants.' There's no real point in fighting for it or standing up for anything."
You really don't want to answer that question, do you? She thought it, but didn't say it. Instead, she asked, "Then why were you ever a superhero? Why did you ever become a villain?"
"Because there's challenge, Kimmie! Without challenge, people like you and me wither and die! We become mediocre, become complacent, doing what others tell us. But those of us with talent, who harness our own talents rather than suppressing them or allowing others to harness them, can do well for ourselves, and become stronger than the suffering. And so what if that brings us into conflict with others? Everyone is constantly in conflict, but our conflict has a purpose, it tempers us into steel, developing our strengths and abilities even further than we once dared imagine. To try and change that is as pointless as trying to change the weather so that it's always sunny, or the law of the jungle, which will always exist in one form or another. Why waste your life on irrelevant details?"
"I don't consider my life irrelevant," replied Kim. "I live it, I enjoy it, and I fight the good fight. I know why I fight, but why do you?"
"How much time do you have to enjoy it? You're constantly saving the world for others. But what's in it for them? Don't you see, the people at the top who preserve the order, the order in which they are at the top and make it extremely unlikely for anyone to change that, are also villains. They just get the schools to teach their version of history, to follow orders, not question the answers that they accept, spit back out, and forget. You think you're fighting villainy, Princess, but the people at the top are pirates who rob the poor under the cover of law, while people like Drakken and me plunder those who rob society through their order...and suckers like you fight to defend those villains from us."
Kim shook her head, amazed at such a sentiment. "I'm not sure what you mean, Shego. Are you saying you're like Robin Hood? Because I can say you most definitely are not, you're more of a robbing hood."
"Pirates and Emperors, Kimmie, the only difference is how many people they command. Do you even know how the current order was born?"
Skeptically, not sure she wanted to hear the answer, she said grimly, "Enlighten me."
"The order was born of pirates and warlords, the most successful ones founding dynasties before becoming inbred. They claim to lead, but they only offer stability because it's in the best interest of their business and political interests, and they'll crush crusading and rebellious do-gooders as much as people like me. Civilization was born by the strong eliminating the weak, the competent beating the incompetent, and the clever outsmarting the stupid. Then a bunch of people decided that these very values that gave birth to our society should be replaced with the philosophy that the weak should inherit the world, the justice reign instead of strength, and that the weak be protected by the strong."
Kim blinked at this uncertainly. "And this is bad because?"
"Because it's not how the world works, it never was, and it never will be. And it's the opposite of the values that GAVE us civilization in the first place.
"Again, look at history: exploration is caused by people wanting new resources and new markets to exploit and don't care who they have to rob to get those resources, and nations fight to increase the economic dominance of their ruling elites, and wars are fought to protect current holdings and to seize new ones. And then those that lead can't lead because everyone is too afraid to tell them the truth for fear of losing their jobs or even their property, freedom and their very lives. Those with families to think of are especially worried. So they tell the leaders whatever the leaders want to hear, which means leaders make decisions based on misinformation, not at all grounded in reality. And for good reason: those who kiss ass are promoted, while those who don't learn to play the game are kept down if not gotten rid of. It ends in a wishy washy world disconnected from reality and where the weak & pathetic can leech off the strong & deserving and people like us are leashed & trained sheepdogs like you or feared wolves like me."
Frowning, Kim muttered, "I'm so glad I didn't have you for social studies."
Shego continued as if Kim hadn't spoken. "Oh, and get this! Those who kiss ass AND prove themselves capable are promoted until they stop being efficient, and then they aren't raised anymore, so that people are not only giving their bosses and leaders information divorced from reality, but they are then raised to their level of incompetence. But you can't point this out because that's saying the leaders made a mistake, and they don't want to hear that. So everyone plays the game, tries to minimize the inevitable damage, find acceptable scapegoats which will be those willing to report the facts when available, and then go home and medicate against their world, and the world at large, that's going to hell in a hand basket."
Kim shook her head. "I think you're just trying to make yourself feel better by saying those who set up Global Justice are misguided, or at least no worse than you."
"Size matters, Princess. When only a few act this way, like Drakken and his henchmen, it's villainy over which people tear their garments, but when MANY act this way because the villains at the top ordered it, it's glorious and they hold parades over it. When someone shoots someone over their gang colors, they're seen as murderers, but when someone shoots someone over their nation's colors, they're seen as heroes, with holidays and statues dedicated to them. People are taught that if they, as individuals, steal or kill on their own initiative, they're evil, but if they REFUSE to help the powers that be to steal and kill, then they're cowards and unpatriotic. The message is self-sacrifice, you do not exist for yourself, you exist to serve those in power, and they should roll over like a pathetic dog when kicked because the leg breakers are 'just doing their job.' People pay protection money to the racket, and even choose to become racketeers themselves because they'll be hailed as long as they're on the winning side. All the while, the gifted, the innovators, the courageous are shackled, unless their talents can be put to use for the powers that be. That is, the SUCCESSFUL villains."
"So maybe I should change sides," said Kim sarcastically, "just join with you and Drakken."
Shego shrugged. "Should Dr. D ever take over the world, it won't be any different beyond the cosmetic changes. Many revolutions that take place all the time are more violent and disruptive. Besides, Dr. D just wants people to recognize him as a genius. He doesn't really care about taking over the world except that it will prove to everyone else that he's the smartest man in the world, and that those who rejected him were wrong to do so."
"You mean," asked Kim incredulously, "that if like my dad were to tell Drakken that he was sorry for laughing at him, Drakken might give up his plans for global domination?"
Shego laughed a little. "Possible, Possible. But you know how ingrained habits can be. He'd need new habits to replace the old ones." She shrugged. "It's not about choosing a side with me, I'm not into any idiotology." Shego intentionally mispronounced "ideology" as "eh-dee-otology." "And I have fun. People think I should constantly give myself up for them? No way, Princess. I live for me. That's what my clothes mean. Green and black, like my skin and hair. It's my personal flag for the nation of me."
"More like your freak flag," replied Kim.
Shego smiled slightly and continued. "I refuse to play your game and I play my own instead, because it's better, it's truer, and it's in my own best interests. I am all that I need, and I have all the strength I need. And if I want to enjoy a chocolate sundae, have some fun with guys or even girls, or indulge my vanity, so be it. At least my life isn't meaningless to ME, I'm living it FOR me, not for someone less worthy, not even Drakken. And since we're all born alone, and die alone, 'me' is all that matters anyway. The meaning I give it is all that matters."
"Shego," said Kim, "you were born to your mother. You're raised with your family. You have brothers who love you. We have funerals because we feel a little of ourselves die when others die. Even you, Shego."
"What?" asked Shego confused.
"When you die, a part of me will die with you." When she saw Shego looking at her in amazement, she continued. "I...I guess it's like what you were saying about testing yourself, and making yourself better in the process. I say it's my cheerleading skills that help me to fight you, but it's more the other way around. Especially you. You've constantly been my archfoe. And every time I go more than a month without fighting you, I feel myself going into withdrawal." Then she quickly added, "I mean that in a good way!"
Shego laughed. "Adrenaline junkie, eh? No harm, no foul. I guess we can understand each other that much." They stood silently, gazing out at the moon over the ocean, for a minute before Shego said, "You know what I was about to tell you, back when I was Ms. Goody Two Shoes?"
"What?" asked Kim. She'd always been curious about that.
"I was going to say, you gave my life meaning. Without you, I think I'd have gone crazy and gone out in a blaze of glory. 'Meteor Swarm Shego' would've been the eulogy I'd hope for, with people saying my name in whispers for long after I was dead. I didn't care about Dr. D's stupid schemes, about robbing the banks, or confronting all the security, goons, and law boys anymore. Been there, done that. It stopped being challenging. And then you come along, and again I was challenged. I despised you at first, as you seemed to be who I used to be, only popular instead of being made fun of. But as I clashed with you over and over again, I came to respect you, and then become excited when I knew we'd fight." She looked to Kim and saw her own reflection dimly in her eyes. "You remember when you lost your memory? Wait, I know how funny that sounds, but when you even forgot your own name?"
Kim nodded. "I wondered why you didn't smash me hard when you had the chance."
"Because the world without you would be boring. I knew it then and after robbing several banks, I realized just how stupid it all was. It just wasn't fun anymore. I wanted my Kimmie back, that element of danger, my worthy nemesis. I have to fight you, to defeat you while you're at your strongest, or what do I have left to strive for?"
Kim blinked. "So you're saying there'd be nothing left to rebel against and it would leave you empty."
"So banal," agreed Shego.
"Have you thought of trying to fill that emptiness by connecting with others?"
Shego smiled wickedly. "I think I connect with you pretty well, Kimmie, especially my fist to your face."
Kim frowned and narrowed her eyes as she replied, "I mean in helping others, especially those who can't stand up for themselves as well as you can."
Shego shook her head. "Have you heard nothing of what I said? Why should I serve a bunch of losers? They don't deserve it and they won't even be grateful for it. They're like children never satisfied and wanting someone else to take care of them, and then take the credit for the strength you give them, the sacrifices you make for them. Maybe you don't mind if those losers suck at your tits, but they better stay the hell away from mine."
Kim blushed. "Ok, I won't go there again."
"Glad to hear it, Princess. Just remember, I was a hero like you once, until I got tired of being taken for granted, giving my all and everyone wanting more. But they don't take advantage of me anymore. They respect me now."
"Fear isn't the same as respect, Shego."
"Neither is the praise you get, Princess. Have you thought about how often you're not only asked to help, but expected to drop everything you're doing to help, no matter how trivial their own problem is? If you're a good girl you get the praise, and if you don't help or fail at trying they show awful disappointment in you."
Kim blinked as she realized she HAD felt that way at times, and wondered seriously for the first time if she herself would one day turn to villainy the way Shego did. Finally she sighed and reminded her, "We were friends when you were about to say something."
Shego stared out over the water as she quietly said, "Yeah, I know. I was going to leave out the part about testing myself against you, and just say you were the most worthy opponent and best friend I ever had, and how exciting you made life, even when we're enemies." She and Kim both turned to look again out over the sea.
They stood beside each other, staring out over the sea in silence for another minute before Kim asked, "Shego, why didn't you let Warmonga kill me?"
"What?" asked Shego, again surprised. "I told you, no one takes you down but me."
"But if she took me out, then you could still prove yourself better by going after the one that took me out." Kim shrugged. "And if it's just ego, then you could've taken Warmonga while she was still tired from fighting me and then say you took both of us out."
"Kimmie," warned Shego, "you're treading on dangerous ground here." Shaking her head, she added, "Get some sleep, Kimmie, we've got our shugyo against Global Justice tomorrow." Then she abruptly turned and left Kim alone looking out over the Pacific.
A few minutes later, a tense Kim also left to find her temporary room. Even with her enhanced vision and hearing, she never noticed the person eavesdropping on their conversation, or heard the shadow slip away into the night a few minutes later.