The room started to reel as I realized that I would surely perish if I kept this up – battling two consistent feelings, raging two opposing forces against one another like a conniving scientist experimenting with the unknown, trying to see which side would win. My immense, total, and complete adoration, infatuation with Edward was so strong, some days I thought it would win over the darker side of my heart, or so it seemed. But sometimes, when I dug down too deep, pushing away the curtains of an unending love, I saw the evil writhing inside me, squirming to be heard.
My head spun as I slumped down onto the gaudy floral-printed sofa that occupied the half-wall of my dressing room outside the church. This feeling, this unending twist in my stomach and tear in my heart would not go away. It was a thousand times worse than any feeling I had ever had while trying to choose Edward and Jacob at the same time. All pretenses of years past thrown away, I could not lie anymore. I was a terrible liar, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend to any audience, however small, that I was ready for this. "It's only marriage, if you can't stand to do this, how can you be changed?" came the persistent, challenging voice in the back of my head. But it was impossible to push down this fear that was bubbling up from the soles of my feet to the ends of my perfectly curled hair.
For it wasn't only the gloom of lying about my fiancé, my best friend, and my soon-to-be new family. It wasn't the fact that I would have to fake my own death to convince my parents that I'd never see them again. Nor was the fear or the Volturi, Jake, the pack, the downs of being a newborn found in the roots of my terror. Finally, I made myself realize it. If I was too mentally, emotionally, and physically impaired to create lasting bonds with the love of my existence, then I had no existence. If I was incapable of forging permanent bonds with Edward, the whole reason for life, then life itself was meaningless – I had no hold on him, no means of bringing him back if he strayed away, no plan of action to hold him close to me forever.
By being unable to endure this simple celebration, I was unable to control life itself.
My eyesight started to blur and my ears were filling up with a soundproof sealant. My lips were melding together, closing my mouth off to the world forever. My body felt as if it was being covered in wax and left to dry. I panicked, attempting to draw in a breath. Nothing.
Just then, I felt a presence near me. It was Alice, I could tell by the way the being bounced around in preparations, apparently oblivious to my pain. I sensed the presence cease its jubilee and slowly head in my direction. "…Bella?" somehow made it through to my brain sensors. She must be speaking. I turned my attention towards the person I unconsciously knew was there. Alice's tinkling voice sounded unsure. "Bella! BELLA! What's wrong with you? CARLISLE!"
I wanted to shout out, to do anything to get out of my stupor. The presence started to fade. No. It needed to come back. It had to. If I could breathe, I would be hyperventilating. Suddenly I sensed three people enter the room. Their panicked voices sounded mute and muffled, but not as distant as before. "Bella, can you hear me? Isabella Marie Swan!" came a whimpering voice. "What's happening to her?"
"Esme, Alice – I think Bella may have lost herself in her mind – a mini-coma, you might say. Though I've never seen anything like it, I'm assuming it has to do with the gradual increase in terror and other such feelings over time. She may or may not come out of it in time, though this is definitely not permanent." My ears were definitely picking up more sound. A crack of light stabbed across my horizon as I heard soft weeping beside me. I felt cold hands on my arm. Another stream of light. The thick cover started to lift, and I gulped in a breath of fresh air as my jaw unhinged itself.
My lids opened to reveal Carlisle, Esme, and Alice, all crowded around me and trying to get a reaction out of my previously dormant body. I shook my head, looking around. "BELLA!" All three cried in unison. But before they could embrace me, three more figures banged through the already ajar doorway. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett bounded toward the sofa, ties and all. Edward rushed up to me, shoving everyone aside, having only eyes for me. I reached out to him, craving his touch to release the numbness of my mind. He curled up next to me, his silky black tuxedo scratching at the coarse fibers of the couch and my lacy dress.
"My dear, sweet Isabella. I'm here. We don't have to do this. Never, ever. I promise you, everything will be fine, I will change you, we'll be equals, and you will never be obligated to go through with this." My eyes burned furiously, my head throbbed, and my chest ached. I loved him so much. He lifted me up with one hand and blurred toward the back door – "Wait just one minute... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" Edward spun around at a lightening speed, only to see Charlie at the doorway, white with shock and confusion. He seemed to swallow down a huge lump before forcing out one raspy sentence, "What…are…you?"