Disclaimer: I own nothing but the OC's and the plot, everything else belongs to Tolkien and those who currently own the rights to his work.

Chapter 42 – Destiny (Part 2)

Eruanna walked swiftly down the hall leading to Erestor's study. He would be there already, no doubt. The ellon was an early riser. He probably already knew of Arwen's return.

She entered the room to find Erestor staring absently out the window toward the falls. He turned his face toward her in acknowledgement.

The sadness Eruanna saw in his eyes broke the fragile calm she'd maintained since leaving Arwen's room. Like an elfling, Eruanna found herself wishing that Erestor would tell her everything would be alright. She wanted even more to believe it.

Erestor moved to Eruanna's side before the first tear broke free and wrapped her tightly in his arms. He did not ask her why she cried. He knew the answer already.

Arwen.

A stab of pain shot through Erestor's heart. Arwen was not his child, but he loved her just the same. How could he not? He was there the night she was born. He watched over her when her parents were away, and taught her everything he knew. Her smiling face had greeted him each morning for nearly three thousand years.

How can her father bear it?

Erestor kissed the top of Eruanna's head and his arms tightened around her at the sudden realization that she, too, might have chosen Arwen's path, had Rumil not won her heart. He could not imagine the pain he would have felt, leaving Eruanna behind to die.

"I cannot imagine losing you," Erestor whispered.

Eruanna looked up into the ellon's face with tear filled eyes. "You will not."

Erestor lifted a hand to brush away the strands of hair that had fallen across Eruanna's face. "I shall have to convince Rumil to join Elrond's house so you will never be far away," he whispered, placing another kiss on her forehead.

Eruanna smiled, "You can be quite convincing when you wish to be."

"Hmm, a useful gift for a father to have," Erestor agreed.

His words drew a smile from Eruanna but it faded quickly as her eyes fell on the inner door that connected their study with Elrond's.

"Have you seen Lord Elrond this morning?" she asked while wiping away the last of her tears with her sleeve.

Erestor looked toward the door that joined their office with Elrond's, "No, but he's in there."

"Are you certain?"

Erestor's response to her query was slow and deliberate. "I heard him." As he spoke these words, the Counselor's expression morphed from one of sadness to concern.

The change in Erestor's countenance was not missed by Eruanna, nor was his carefully chosen response.

"You heard their argument?" she pressed gently. It was obvious Erestor was struggling with what to tell her. He was very protective of his Lord.

Erestor appeared lost in thought and when Eruanna received no response to her question she placed a hand on her father's arm, "Ada?"

Erestor's gaze shifted from the door to Eruanna's face. A deep well of concern shone in her eyes. It was their intensity that broke him. "I heard their voices, but not what was said." He took a deep breath, adding, "After Arwen departed, I heard the sound of breaking glass."

Eruanna's eyes widened at this revelation. "He smashed something?" she uttered in disbelief.

"Multiple somethings, if my ears serve me."

Eruanna's gaze fell once more upon the adjoining door. "Why did you not go to him?"

"I think he would rather be alone right now."

Before Erestor could finish that sentence Eruanna was moving for the door.

"Eruanna," it was a meant as a warning, but lacked the necessary force to make it so.

The elleth glanced back over her shoulder. Her father may believe Lord Elrond should be left to mourn on his own, but Eruanna did not. "If he wishes me to leave...," her voice trailed off as she took hold of the door handle.

Erestor opened his mouth to protest but fell silent at the pleading look in Eruanna's eyes. Erestor did wish to check on Elrond but he did not believe his company would be appreciated. Eruanna was a different matter entirely. Erestor was witness to the bond of kinship that was formed between the Lord of Imladris and the young elleth. They understood one another as no one else could. The tiny quirks and eccentricities Erestor always noted about the pair went unmarked between them. It made Erestor wonder how strange elven behavior must seem to the two peredhil. Perhaps that was why Eruanna was so determined to be at Elrond's side in this dark moment, when any elf would rightfully keep their distance.

Erestor picked up a pile of papers that required the Lord's attention and handed it to her, an excuse, as it were, to break Elrond's solitude.

Letters in hand, Eruanna walked determinedly through the storeroom and into Elrond's study.

"Lord Elrond?" she called softly, scanning the room briefly before her eyes found him.

The scene was familiar. She'd seen it before - years ago in Galadriel's mirror when she'd watched herself holding a dark haired ellon as he wept on the floor. She moved slowly toward the kneeling figure, placing the stack of papers on his desk as she passed. Elrond held something in his hand. It was a shard of glass. She watched as he tightened his grip on the jagged fragment. It cut deep into his hand and small drops of blood fell from his clenched fist to the floor.

Elrond knew he was no longer alone. He'd heard Eruanna's footsteps as she entered the room but did not spare her a glance. His gaze remained fixed on the vase that lay shattered in a million pieces on the ground. Something bit into his flesh. He looked down. He'd picked up one of the sharper pieces, cutting his palm and fingers as his hand closed around it. The pain was nothing compared to the aching of his heart.

Of all the things I could have broken…

"Arwen made it for me. It was a gift." He dropped the broken fragment, now painted red with his blood. "I wasn't thinking."

These words were not meant for Eruanna but she heard them just the same. She took another step closer but the ellon still failed to acknowledge her. Instead, his head fell into his hands, a guttural cry issuing from his lips. The pain of it rent Eruanna's soul. Without thought to station or propriety she fell to her knees, wrapping her arms around the shattered being before her just as she'd done in her vision. Eruanna rested her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes against the tears the great Lord's sobs evoked. One of Elrond's hands reached up to find hers and he clasped it tightly. It bled still and Eruanna could feel the warmth of the liquid upon her own hands. She did not pull away. It was only blood, after all. Enough of her own had stained the healer's hands when he'd treated her wounds.

If only Lord Elrond's hurts were so easily mended.

Eruanna held him in silence for what might have been as brief as a minute…or as long as an age. Time seemed to fade away. There was only the sound of a breaking heart, an echo of the shattered glass that glittered on the floor.

When there were no tears left to shed, Elrond's breathing calmed. The sadness that weighed upon his heart freed his tongue and his voice was leaden with despair.

"Why do they leave me?" He wished to cry these words from the mountaintops, but they came instead in a choked whisper.

They? Eruanna's mind raced. She'd been prepared for Arwen…but a sudden flash of clarity hit her. She should have known. Arwen was merely the tipping point. The pain that brought this ancient being to his knees was long in the making and not born from the loss of his daughter alone. She did not know how to answer the Lord's question but a tiny voice urged her to speak.

"Whom do you speak of?" she asked him, lifting her head as she did so. She knew the answer before it was made.

"Everyone," he replied softly. "My parents, Elros and Gil-galad, my wife and daughter…perhaps my sons, too, in time…there are so many."

Eruanna did not know what to say to this ellon who'd known such loss.

She knew the people he spoke of, and not simply from the books she'd read. From her earliest days in his house, Elrond had shared with her stories of them. Happy memories he kept close to his heart. He never spoke of their passing or the pain he felt at their loss. He didn't need to; she'd seen it in his eyes. It was always there beneath the surface.

Eruanna shut her eyes tightly, willing herself to find the right words. What was it she'd said to Arwen about destiny? Our lives were written in the Music. It seemed such a pale and childish thing to say in the face of Elrond's pain, but Eruanna believed what she'd said to Arwen. She believed it with her heart and soul. She knew Elrond believed in the Music as well… the pain had momentarily blinded him.

Eruanna found her voice, and a memory Elrond was not likely to forget. "Did you not tell me once that Ilúvatar has a destiny for each of us?"

Elrond took a deep, steadying breath, searching his memory for that particular conversation. "I did. When you were lying in the healing ward, surprised you were not dead." He smiled slightly at the memory, "I said He had not written that you should leave us so soon."

Eruanna smiled as well, remembering the skeptical look she gave the healer when he spoke those words. "I asked if you really believed our paths were written. You told me that you did."

Elrond remembered the conversation vividly now. He'd not hesitated when offering his answer.

What has changed? he mused.

Nothing.

No, nothing had changed. He believed. "I still believe what I said to you that day."

Eruanna gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "Then you know they did not abandon you," she whispered, "They merely followed the path He laid out for them."

Elrond closed his eyes, bringing that line of reasoning to its conclusion, "and I was always meant to lose them."

Eruanna shook her head, though Elrond could not see the gesture. "Not all of them. Not forever. You will see your parents again, your wife and Gil-galad. They are not lost."

"Some of them are… lost forever, or at least, until the world is remade." Elrond shifted himself to a seated position and turned to face Eruanna. Her eyes were sad and tears still glistened in her eyes. He'd not meant to cause her grief. These burdens belonged to him alone. It was not right to lay them on another. "Forgive me. I should not lay my heart's troubles on you."

Eruanna studied the Lord's face carefully. He was clearly uncomfortable, allowing her to see him in such a state.

But who else would offer him comfort?

She could not imagine any other elf in Imladris sitting on the floor of Elrond's study, speaking with him of Music and destiny. Even Erestor held back. She did not know if it was nature that kept the elves at a distance or years of careful routine. It didn't really matter. The result was the same.

"Who else would you share your troubles with?" she asked him, though she knew what he would say.

"No one," he stated simply. It was the burden of being a Lord and a peredhel. For most of his life there had been no one else with whom he could speak freely. Elrond recalled the last being he'd ever been able to fully confide in. Memories of a face, so like his own, began to rise but were interrupted by Eruanna's soft voice.

"Then I think it better that you share them with me."

Eruanna wasn't sure that Elrond would agree. He was a reserved ellon to begin with and many millennia separated them in age. They were not peers, but they were kin, of a sort.

Elrond studied the young elleth carefully. He wanted so much to unburden his soul, but he was wary of sharing his secrets with others. It was not something he did often. Not since Celebrían departed had he felt free to unburden his soul, and even then, Elrond was aware there were things his wife did not, could not fully understand. "It has never been easy...," he paused, trying to find the right words, "Elves do not always understand and men's lives are short. There is scarcely time to learn them before they are gone."

Eruanna shrugged slightly, "I am not an Elf or a Man."

Elrond needed no reminder. "I know," he smiled slightly. "We are the same, you and I. Perhaps that is why I find it so difficult to stay silent."

It was a bit disconcerting, how easy it was to talk with Eruanna. He often found himself sharing stories of his life with her at odd moments. Things he'd told no one else.

"I should not feel so at ease," he said mostly to himself.

Eruanna's brow rose in question, "Because I am a child?"

She could understand that, if he thought she was still too young to act as a confidant. She doubted it was her station as Erestor's assistant that made her unfit. After all, she was privy to much information that others in the household were not. She would never share anything told to her in confidence.

"No," he admitted after a moment's thought. "You have not been a child for some time."

She was curious now. "Then why should there be silence between us?"

Elrond sighed heavily, "There are some things best left unspoken."

Eruanna was not sure if Elrond believed that or if he was simply searching for an excuse to end their conversation. "I would not repeat anything you say to me," she assured him.

"I know you would not. It is only…."

Elrond paused, lifting his eyes to hers as if searching for something. Eruanna had no idea what that 'something' could be.

A tired sigh escaped him and he averted his eyes, locking them firmly on the stone hearth. "I fear you will not understand."

"I can make no promises, for I have not yet heard your words," was her reply.

A small laugh escaped him at that. "Such wisdom," he murmured.

Elrond struggled with whether or not to say what had been weighing on him for many long years. He chose his words carefully.

"Of all those I have lost, my brother's death was the hardest to bear." Memories of Elros rose to the surface of Elrond's thoughts.

"Though in form we were barely distinguishable, we were not much alike in character. We argued constantly, over one thing or another. I recall an argument we had, though I can not now remember its cause. It ended with me shouting at him in anger. I said I wished he would vanish into the mountains so I would be free of him.

Elrond's eyes grew sad at the memory. "In the innocence of my youth, I had no idea how empty life would be without him. But I learned soon enough."

He looked away from Eruanna so she would not see the tears he felt forming in the corners of his eyes. "When he was gone I was alone, truly alone, for the first time in my life." He paused then, fearing the slight trembling of his voice.

After regaining control of his emotions, he continued. "The Eldar have a long memory. Many could not forget how they were betrayed by Men in what should have been their hour of victory over Morgoth. And though I was descended from great elven houses, it was my mortal heritage that marked me. I was looked upon with great suspicion in those early years; even Erestor would not dare turn his back on me."

Elrond looked down upon the glittering fragments of glass like so many hopes and dreams destroyed. They mocked him. "I prayed nightly that I would meet another peredhel…a brother to share my secrets with, or perhaps an elleth born of both worlds with whom I could live out my days."

"It did not happen," Eruanna's voice held a note of sadness.

"I waited. I waited 1500 years." The frown curling the corners of his mouth as he spoke these words slowly morphed into a smile, "and then, like a sign from Ilúvatar I saw her…Celebrían. I knew, in that very moment, that I would love her forever and when I finally held her in my arms, I was able to push aside the loneliness that held me captive for so long."

The smile that graced Elrond's face was fleeting. It faded along with the happy memories of his wife.

"After Celebrían sailed I thought my heart would break. Alas, for the strength of my mortal blood, it kept on beating." He looked down contemptuously at his injured hand. "In some ways, the strength of our mixed blood is our greatest weakness, for I wished to fade, if only so I could sail with her into the West and leave my burdens behind."

Elrond fell silent then. A shadow fell across his face as thoughts and dreams of what 'might have been' passed in a flurry through his mind. They all led him to the same place…here, now, in this room. It had become a confessional. Elrond knew he should stop now. He'd said too much already. It was not right.

"There is more," Eruanna whispered. She could see it in Elrond's eyes. The battle he fought within himself. The silence he'd kept for so long. Whatever it was he feared to tell her struggled to be heard.

Elrond shook his head slightly, "You will think ill of me."

Eruanna was taken aback by the Lord's declaration. She was certain there was nothing he could tell her that would change her opinion of him. "That is not possible."

Elrond was not so sure he agreed. Still, he'd wanted to tell her this for some time now despite his better judgment.

Do I seek forgiveness?

No, it was more than that.

I want someone to understand.

The secret formed on his lips and he let it fall. "I nearly refused your grandfather's request to grant you sanctuary." Elrond watched Eruanna's expression for signs that his words had hurt her, but he saw only surprise and a growing measure of curiosity.

It was the last thing Eruanna expected Elrond to say and it made little sense looking back. Lord Elrond had never been anything but kind to her. He'd always assured her that she would have a place in Imladris and wherever his house settled in Valinor. She did not want to imagine what the last five hundred years may have been like had he refused her a home.

"Why?"

Elrond knew well enough the reason and the guilt of it weighed heavily upon his heart. "I was angry," he breathed, "angry at Ilúvatar, that He should send me the one thing I prayed for in my youth two ages too late. Not since Elros departed had I heard laughter like my own or the footsteps of another peredhel."

Eruanna was silent for a long while. She'd never considered how her sudden arrival in Imladris might have affected its Lord. She found herself sending up a silent prayer of thanks that Elrond had not allowed his emotions to sway him. "You said yes… despite your feelings."

Elrond's expression grew distant and intense, "I could not cast you aside, the one thing I'd wanted for so long. I would have given my life just to hear your voice, the sound of your laughter, to know if your eyes closed in sleep. I didn't want to be alone anymore."

Eruanna could scarcely imagine what it must have been like for Elrond, living so many thousands of years, the only one of his kind. Yes, Eruanna could understand loneliness. It was not the idea that troubled her. What she wondered at was how one could feel lonely when surrounded by kin.

"What about your sons and Arwen? Are they not peredhil as well? They too are given the choice."

Elrond shook his head sadly, "It is not the same. Though their hearts might lean toward men, in form and manner they have always been closer to elves. I knew it was so from the moment I first laid eyes upon them."

Eruanna had never given much thought before now to the differences between Elrond's children and herself…aside from their greater beauty, of course. Rumil might think she was the most beautiful elleth in Arda, but he saw through the eyes of love. Eruanna had to admit, had she been ignorant of their parentage, she would never have guessed Arwen or her brothers possessed mortal blood. She did not doubt that the three shared many qualities with Men, but they were well hidden beneath an immortal façade.

Eruanna lifted her eyes to find Elrond lost in thought. She could see he was not finished. There was something more he wished to tell her, but she could not guess what it might be. It seemed to cause him great distress and that bothered her. She'd not come here to add to the Lord's troubles.

"I am humbled you trust me enough to share these thoughts, my Lord, but do not feel obliged to say any more. I did not come here to add to your burdens but to lighten them."

There was one thing more, but Elrond's voice failed him. How could he explain what his heart scarcely understood…how the course of his life might have been changed had he met her in his youth? How could he tell Eruanna he knew with certainty that had their paths crossed before he first looked upon Celebrían, his heart would have belonged to her?

He could not. There were some things best left unsaid, at least for now. Perhaps, in the time, when he held Celebrían in his arms and it did not feel so much like betrayal, he could find the words. For now he would be content with keeping that secret to himself.

He lifted a hand to Eruanna's cheek. "You have lightened them. I thank you for that."

"You have done the same for me many times," she replied with a smile, ignorant of the thoughts that only moments ago swept through Elrond's mind.

Elrond withdrew his hand and looked around the room, surveying the mess he'd made.

Eruanna followed Elrond's gaze. She knew what he was thinking. "I'll help you clean up," she offered.

Elrond rose gracefully and offered Eruanna his hand. It was when she reached out to take it that he finally realized her hands were covered with his blood. "Your hands," he pulled the elleth swiftly to her feet before heading straight to the corner table. He filled a small washbowl with water. "Here, wash them."

Eruanna laid her hands in the cool water and rubbed them together watching the clear liquid darken. "Thank you," she said, drying her hands on her skirts. "You should have a healer look at that," she gestured to his hand with a glint of humor.

"I'll take care of it. Istuion will ask too many questions."

Eruanna's smile broadened. She could only imagine what the old healer would say. Her eyes looked back to the broken vase and other items that lay scattered on the floor. "I will fetch a broom. I think there is one in the hall closet."

Elrond shook his head. "There is no need. It was my tantrum; I should be the one to clean it up."

"It's no trouble," Eruanna assured him gently, "and besides, it will make us even."

"Even?" Elrond's brow rose in question.

"For the time you helped me put the library back in order, although I must admit to getting the better end of the deal." Eruanna looked appraisingly around the room. "I doubt it will take as long to sweep up as it did to re-alphabetize the collected histories of the Elder Days."

"No, I don't think so," Elrond smiled at the fond memory of those hours they'd spent together reshelving those books. It had been a dark moment in the young elleth's life. He was glad to have been there to help her through it.

Eruanna headed for the door but before she could get there was called back.

"Eruanna," Elrond called after her and she turned to him with questioning eyes. He wanted to thank her, thank her for listening, for holding his hand, for comforting him. But 'thank you' seemed so pale, so weak in comparison to the gratitude in his heart. And just as he was about to speak, he saw it, the light in her eyes, the tiniest expression of understanding that told him that words were unnecessary.

Elrond smiled, and falling back into his role of Lord of Imladris exhaled deeply before adding, "Tell Erestor I thank him for his restraint, but I think it is time we got to work on today's missives."

Eruanna's smile brightened at the sound of Elrond's voice, as she'd always remember it, strong and steady.

"I will."

Author's Note: I had no intention of making this story into an Elrond romance. It doesn't make sense to me. What does make sense is an ellon looking back at his life and seeing how things might have been different. Three chapters left. I can't wait.