Chapter 50: In Which We Enjoy the Native Entertainments
They met Buffy at the front doors to the school. She smiled as they drew near, and said, "He's getting a car. No matter where we go, he has to drive. Almost kill a guy once or twice in a totally-not-your-fault accident, and he'll just never let you drive again." When she finished speaking a remarkably non-descript Toyota pulled up.
As they shuffled into the car, Severus said to Spike, "Somehow I pictured you in something a little… edgier."
There was a look of resigned longing on Spike's face when he began to explain, "Around here the watchword for cars is cheap. The more motors for the dollar, the more Giles likes them. So we have old, boring cars. That way no one minds too much if a demon sets it on fire or crushes it or one of the Slayerettes destroys it while learning to drive. We've got eight of these boring cars for about what one really excellent car would cost. Probably a good thing we don't have something shiny and new, we'd never get the girls to stop fighting over it." Spike pulled away from the curb and began to head down the road at what Severus considered a ridiculously high speed.
"We're going to a place called the Brasa Grill Steakhouse. It's a Churrascaria, which means it's a lovely place where they bring you all the grilled critter bits you can eat, and if you still want more they have a salad bar that may make you want to weep with joy," Buffy told them while Spike piloted the car.
"Every kind of meat you can think of, perfectly cooked, brought to your table in rounds. It's bloody brilliant. They give you this coaster like thing, green side up, meat keeps coming your way. Want to chew and think a bit? Put the red side up, and they hold off. Next time I'm in Brazil, I have to find one of these to see what the real version is like."
"You've been to Brazil?" Severus asked.
"I've been to just about anywhere you can get to by boat. Hop on a cargo ship, get off when it lands, and see what's what."
"Where do you like best?" Hermione asked.
"Most of the places I like best don't exist anymore. Colonial Hong Kong. St. Petersburg under the Czar. Munich and Paris in the 1920's… New York in the 1920's. That was a great ten years to be a vampire. The whole world had a party, and I got to see a lot of it. Tanganyika, back in the day that was a beautiful place. Ceylon. God, I'm a bleeding history book.
"As for now: Prague, Rome, Istanbul, Tokyo. Tokyo is fantastic if you've got time and money to burn. Rio is lovely. Sydney, I've had some great times down there."
"How about here in the States? We were planning on having a bit of holiday when we got done here," Severus said.
"Charleston," Buffy answered. "That's where we're going next. It would be horrible this time of year, hot and sticky, but in the fall… In the fall it's a place of cool breezes, wrought iron architecture, butterflies, hidden gardens, and the occasional hurricane. Some of the girls have been studying colonial history and Charleston is a big part of it. I've been auditing their class and decided we need to go there."
"For a city: New York. For outdoorsy stuff: Glacier National Park. For a party: Burning Man or Mardi Gras depending on your sun tolerance and whether your prefer X or alcohol. For driving: The northern half of California's Route 1. For just general Americaness: Las Vegas," Spike answered.
"General Americaness?" Hermione asked.
"They built a multi-billion dollar, sin drenched playground in the middle of a desert. Then when they decided to tony it up a bit, they moved pieces of Europe there. Why fly all the way to Italy to see Venice when the Venetian is closer and you can gamble there? It's Disneyland for adults, and it's just really, really American."
"I wouldn't have pegged you for an outdoors lover, what with the bursting into flame upon contact with direct sunlight," Snape said.
"I'm not an outdoors kind of guy, which is why I was in the Glacier National Park. No one looks for vampires in the mountains. Nice views by the moonlight."
"Oh."
"Here we are," Buffy said as they pulled up to a valet. He took the key to the car with a look best described as disdain kept in check by his desire for a good tip.
As they got out of the car and Spike went to see if their table was ready, Buffy said, "The Florida Keys are gorgeous and should be pretty nice this time of year. Warm by your standards, but if you are going to spend all your time on the beach, warm is a good thing. But really most of this country's got something interesting in it. Here we are in Cleveland, capital of boring middle America, and they've still got a few hot clubs, some good restaurants, the Rock and Roll Hall of fame, and a ball team that's better than it used to be."
Spike returned holding four drinks. "The table should be ready in a bit. I thought we'd start off with mojitos." He passed each of them a glass of rum, mint, sugar, and lime.
After a few minutes, during which they sipped their drinks and continued to talk about places to visit in the US, the hostess came and led them to a table.
The first half hour or so of dinner was spent mostly chewing. New and exciting bits of meat kept coming their way. Parmesan crusted fillet mignon, lamb chops, chicken drumsticks, pork tenderloin, turkey wrapped in bacon: bites of each were tasted and praised. But as each passing meat came their way, they began to become more discerning. The little green and red disk began to spend more and more time on red as favourites were selected and other, less favoured meats were passed up.
As they continued to munch Severus asked a question that had been gnawing at him since he learned Spike was a vampire, "How did you end up with her?"
"She can't resist my pretty blue eyes." Spike threw his arm around Buffy while she rolled her eyes and continued chewing.
Snape rolled his as well. "Yes, you're bleeding lovely. How did one of your kind end up with one of her kind?"
"The enemy of my enemy is my friend, at least for the ten minutes we're both fighting the enemy," Buffy said after she swallowed.
"Her ex and my ex teamed up to end the world, and we stopped them."
Snape's eyebrow rose. "How often to do people try to end the world around you?"
Buffy thought about it. "At least once a year, usually toward the end of May. Something about springtime gets the nuts out."
"We always had that problem as well; you could just about set a clock by the end of school year disaster. Maybe it's the weather; late June in Scotland is probably about the same as May over here," Hermione answered.
Snape spoke again, "What I meant is, how does having him," Snape picked his words carefully, even with the red side up, waiters with food came wandering by their table every few minutes, "effect your mission? Doesn't it make it harder to see all the others as… targets?"
"You mean how can I stake all the others knowing that two of them could join the good fight?" Buffy asked.
"Two?" Severus asked back.
"Oh God, no one told you about Angel either?" Spike was looking very hard at Hermione.
She could almost hear him thinking, 'Did you tell him anything about us?'
"Who's Angel?" Severus was also looking at Hermione, with an expression very similar to Spike's.
"An immensely long story that really doesn't bear telling. Let's just put it this way: once upon a time I wasn't the only vampire with a soul. Now I am because the other one gave into his death wish. As a side note, when you are as flammable as one of us, fighting a dragon is a bloody stupid idea," Spike answered.
"To get back to your point: how much leverage to give the bad guys. We have a sort of 'Don't mess with us, we don't mess with you,' plan in action. We make sure that everyone in an area knows we're there, and we give them a few days to move on. If you're still there by week's end, you count as fair game. At last count, about three out of ten move on to avoid us. The rest stay put, and we kill them. Then there are the ones that hear we've moved in, and come to us, about two or three new ones a week. A dead Slayer is still the trophy of choice among demons. We work very hard to not oblige them. Every town usually has a few who are willing to work with us, as well, and we make sure they're protected. Having a Slayer watch your back can be a very good thing if you aren't the strongest or the meanest."
"You just let them leave?" Hermione looked scandalized by Buffy's answer.
"It's not morally pure, but we've still got to pick our battles carefully. We're outnumbered about three hundred to one, so anyone who doesn't want to fight us is more that welcome to scoot. Plus, if they get out of town, there's no chance of us killing something, someone that might be thinking about joining the White Hats," Buffy replied. It was while she said that that Severus began to see the warrior underneath the fashionable girl sitting across from him. This was someone who had done the math and decided that they couldn't win if they went after everyone. A practical General.
"What would you have done about Voldemort?" Severus asked Buffy.
"Given it to Willow and Giles. Willow would have had his soul located and entrapped in a matter of days. Giles would have hit the books and found if there was a way to de-Horcrux Harry. If there was, they'd do it. If not, they'd weigh the value of alive Harry versus free bit of Voldemort, come up with which was the better option, and execute the plan. Meanwhile Spike and I would have led a force of girls to take out the more devoted members of the Death Eaters. From what I've seen of wanded magic, you have to aim at your targets. If you rush a wWizard with ten or fifteen people, you'll take him down long before he can get off more than three or four spells. Kill those who won't surrender. Obliviate those who want their lives and resettle them elsewhere with no wands and no memory that magic ever existed. All said and done, we'd be finished in a week, two tops."
"If it's that easy, why do the Defeat Lord Voldemort Challenge?"
"The reason for the Defeat Lord Voldemort Challenge is to get the girls to think about the idea that we've got to kill people as well as demons. A big part of tactical thinking is accepting that killing can be the right thing and then doing it. If you want my opinion, that was Dumbledore's biggest problem. He never got past 'Do Not Kill.' Since he couldn't get past it, a whole lot of you ended up dead. I'm sure if he had been a school teacher and nothing else, he would have been great, but he wasn't hard enough to do the job he ended up with. The real crying shame of what you've told me about this is that he ended up with the job in the first place. You've got Aurors for a reason. Someone should have known how best to use them."
"You have to use them to know how to use them. We've got, on average, two 'black hats' to use your term, a century. That's not much practice for anyone to develop tactical thinking with," Hermione replied.
"Your Ministry has some tricks. There's a reason almost all your trouble comes from maniac wizards. The same reason I'm not in England. Beyond you, Luv." He stroked Buffy's hair. "I was back shortly after the Great War, when your Ministry developed the Department for the Control of Magical Creatures. One day after the Great War, I woke up unable to move. There's three blokes in billowy robes, two are holding stakes, and the other one's got some sort of ball of sunshine, and they're all smiling at me. They start explain how..." Spike's accent went Oxfordian suddenly. 'Due to the passage of the Control of Violent Magical Beings Act of 1919, you are given the option of relocation or death. If you'd like us to relocate you, you can blink or we can stake you now.'" His accent went back to its usual rhythms. "I tried to fight for just long enough to realize the only muscles I could move were my eyelids, and then I blinked.
"I've been back a few times, and usually within two hours one of those sodding wizards is sitting next to me offering me a one way trip to somewhere else. I haven't had a real fry up in decades. Fish and chips, they try here, but it just isn't the same. Thank God for satellite telly or I'd have to say goodbye to West Ham United." Spike took a drink.
"How do you think Sanguini got to stay?" Hermione asked Snape.
"Sanguini? Tall bloke, pale, spends way too much time watching the young ladies?" Spike asked.
"You know him?" Hermione answered.
"Bleeding prat. He's not actually a vampire. I'm not sure what exactly he is, but he's not one of us. Probably one of you with a glamour, some pointy teeth, and a really slow pulse. He's in it for the seduction value. Dracula did it first and better, but Drac's dead, so why not try to fill his niche?"
"So, how do you know him?" Severus asked him.
"He was working his way through the pretty girls in Prague the last time I was there. Bloody git had the nerve to brag to me about how many of them he had gotten over the last three weeks." Spike shook his head.
"Last time I saw him, he was at Hogwarts for a Christmas party, had just had a book written about him, and yes, he was eyeballing the older girls," said Hermione.
"He was at that party wasn't he? Slughorn was bragging about getting a real vampire to come to his party like it was some sort of social trump card. I can't wait to tell him." The smile Severus was wearing had an evil tinge.
Their conversation continued to bounce about. Snape and Hermione learned a bit about England before the Ministry consolidated its control of all magic within Britain's borders. Severus and Spike decided to limit their conversation about the merits of the Blue Öyster Cult versus The Sex Pistols when they noticed that both Hermione and Buffy looked ready to fall into a coma from boredom. Buffy was more than happy to tell them about the West Coast, especially California, but the Pacific Northwest as well. As they were eating dessert, a light smattering of wedding conversation filled out the evening. Finally, filled to the brim with good food and good feelings, they began the second part of the evening.
As the meal came to a close something interesting happened. Something Hermione had never expected to see. An immensely polite but intense fight over who would get the check began. By the end of the first five minutes of Severus and Spike deferring to each other, both telling the other how it would be his pleasure to pay the tab, Buffy signalled to Hermione that they should go to the bathroom. Neither of the men noticed.
As they walked from the table, Buffy said, "Do you want to get out of here anytime in the near future?"
"Yes."
"Okay. I've got a credit card. You've got a credit card. How about we split the check?"
"Sounds good."
They grabbed their waiter, settled up, and walked back to the men, who were still being very polite about the bill, but it looked like an arm wrestling match would break out any second.
"Let's go," Buffy said.
Spike and Severus looked up at her. "Go?"
"Yep, we're all paid." Hermione found herself wishing for a camera. The dumbfounded look on the faces of both men was one she hoped would stay with her for a long time to come.
They walked down the street and came to a building with music echoing out of it. A sign saying Funky Buddha lit the street, and people were standing in line in front of it.
Buffy led them to the door, while saying quietly, almost inaudibly because of the music, "Two years ago they had a problem with several nasty demons. We took care of that problem. Now Slayers are always welcome, no waiting. There are some perks to this job."
They entered a club decorated in red velvet and what Snape considered a somewhat Indian theme. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he noticed rather naughty pictures on the walls, two bars, and one main dance floor, as well as people grooving about on the catwalk linking one side of the second story to the other.
The crowd looked to be in their thirties, a bit young for him, a bit old for Hermione, but all in all, it felt right enough. The music wasn't anything he had been listening to of late, but it was loud and had a beat that anyone with a pulse could dance to. It would do.
"After seven years with Slayers, I've learned one thing, well, lots of things really, but one thing about Slayers, they're favourite way of not getting enough sleep is dancing," said Spike.
"Which is why we found this club about two days after it opened," Buffy answered.
Once they entered the plan was easy enough. Talk some, dance some, and drink some. Spike spotted a table, and had several drinks waiting for them with an almost uncanny speed. Then, their table marked, they went off to dance.
It was maybe an hour into the evening. Severus hadn't seen Buffy and Spike for a bit, but that didn't bother Snape. He was dancing with Hermione, moving quickly, just his fingertips resting on her shoulders, when he saw Spike and Buffy above them on the catwalk. Spike was standing behind her, speaking softly in her ear, moving against her back… Oh. In public? Severus found it hard to look away from them. Buffy's face was soft, her lips parted, their bodies rocking in a rhythm unrelated to the music. It was deeply arousing and confusing. There was a perfectly lovely woman dancing in front of him, and yet he was staring at the two blonds shagging above him. Spike saw him watching and winked at him. Severus looked away feeling a bit embarrassed and a bit angry. He focused back on dancing with Hermione, who leaned toward him, and asked. "What was so fascinating up there?"
Snape felt a blush crawl up his cheeks. Hermione looked puzzled. Severus can blush? What is going on? She looked up at the catwalk. Buffy gave her a lazy wave. Spike was nibbling her ear. Well, they aren't very discrete are they? You need to say something to Severus, he's looking like he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"Want to try that yourself someday?"
"Argh…" She was sure Snape had wanted to produce something more eloquent than that sound, but her question had taken him by surprise.
"Sex in public?" she asked again, pretending the sound he made had been one of confusion rather than shock.
"I can't say I'd given it much thought." He was back to his usual self. He was also focused solely on her now. His hands spanned the small of her back, and he pulled her close to him as the both gyrated to the music. "You?"
She gave him a smile that he felt all the way to his toes. "Maybe one day, probably not tonight. Don't want to look like we're in a competition."
"Heavens, no!"
Later that night, with several more of those mint-lime-rum concoctions Spike called Mojitos inside him, Severus found himself sitting at their table with Spike, watching the girls dance with each other. The alcohol left him feeling more open than usual, and more curious about the man sitting next to him.
"Are you and Buffy going to marry?"
"Not anytime soon."
"Oh…"
"No, it's not like that. I don't exist legally. William Grimes died in 1880, and I haven't bothered with building a legal person since then. But I'll be with her until the end. And if I ever get the hint she wants matching rings, I'll do the right thing.
"Don't you worry about getting bored with her?"
"No. If you're right with yourself, and she's right with herself, you're golden. From what I can see, the problem with most relationships is people try to fix themselves through them. It doesn't work. Buffy and I did two years of that, and it was a disaster. I had to leave for three years and get myself together, get used to being a man, and she had to take that time to heal up as well. Four years ago we were no longer the walking wounded, and then we were able to make it work."
"But how do you know?"
"I was with my ex over one hundred and ten years. I know a little something about being happy with the one you've got. But the Spike that loved Dru is not the same person I am today. That's a big part of what I did during my away time, I went from being Dru's monster, to my own man. Look, I don't know you all that well, but you look comfortable in your skin. I do know Hermione pretty well, and this is the happiest I've ever seen her. If you don't have it all worked out, you're close, and that gives you a good chance. That's all any of us really have anyway." His eyes focused on Buffy who was shimmying next to Hermione. Severus followed his gaze.
"We're lucky men."
"Yes we are. One of us got luckier than the other though…" Spike smirked.
"Yes, we saw. So did half the club."
"Nah… only a third at most. Nothing like watching her move, smelling myself on her, knowing she's mine. In that way, we're more than married. We're two of a kind now. Warriors, veterans, survivors, lovers, mates, been to hell and back, together and apart, and still came back to each other. Better, worse, been there done that, and still together. No ring or words can do that, only time and life can. It's been ten years since I saw her the first time. It was a in a club like this one, and she was dancing, just like she is now. She was mine then, my target, my enemy, my next trophy. Mine."
"No love at first sight?"
"Hate, lust, not love. Not love until a long time later. You and Hermione?"
"This little eleven-year-old-know-it-all, all hair and teeth, her hand in the air, bouncing up and down to answer my questions and show off how much she knew, was sitting in my class. Annoyance was my first reaction to her. Eventually a very grudging respect, one I couldn't let her see. I didn't really see her as anything other than Potter's brains until a few months ago."
"And now?"
Severus didn't answer for a long time. He watched Hermione move. Watched her watch him. His lips slid into a smile. "Now, she is definitely more than Potter's brain."
A/N: Chapter 51: In Which Snape Dreams, is over in A Proper Romance the M Chapters. Head over there if you like your fic M rated. Go right to the next chapter if you prefer T.