Author: Mollie
Title: Falling Down to Stand
Disclaimer: I don't own anything Degrassi.
Rating: M just to be safe
A/N: I just recently stumbled onto Degrassi, so I don't know all of the past events. I apologize for anything I miss because of this, or any potential out of character moments.
Summary: It's a rewrite of Darcy and Spinner's second talk in "Pass the Dutchie" I was glad to see those two as friends, especially when they could both use one. Not sure how couples are gonna go here because I like Darcy with both Spinner and Peter. Hope you enjoy, and please review.
Darcy
Spinner and I have been just hanging out for a while now, talking. Him getting high, he says it helps with the nausea and who am I to say it doesn't. He's dealing with something so much bigger than this, and whatever helps, he should do. But it's now, sitting with him that I realize I've missed him. And that I haven't talked to him in a while.
"Spinner, I'm sorry," I tell him and at his quizzical look, I continue,"I haven't been a very good friend lately…I've been so wrapped up in my own thing…I forgot that other people might be hurting…"
I feel really self centered right now. I mean, I'm dealing with something huge, but I'm not the only one. And I hate that maybe I've lost sight of what the people closest to me might need. Have I done it to Manny? Or Peter? I look down at the ground, trying to think, but I don't remember a conversation we've had without me being freaked out.
"How are you? Really?"
"No, no, no," Spinner said shaking his head and giving a chuckle," I don't wanna talk about that. Not with you." I think he could tell his words hurt me because he immediately corrected himself,"I just mean that everybody asks about chemo and how I'm feeling and the nausea and everything…"
I nodded. Yeah. It could suck. People wanting to know the mechanical details, but none of the graphic ones, or nothing about how any of it makes you feel. I mean, I'm dying inside, falling apart, becoming hollow, and all anyone can talk about is that this guy did something to me. All superficial. Nobody wants to deal with what that really means to me. How I feel about it all. I'm drowning and nobody notices. Maybe Spinner is too.
"Well then tell me something different, something real, tell me how you really feel. This can't be easy. But you never complain…" I was so weak, I was always complaining.
"It's kind of scary," he admits to me. And I nod, hoping he'll take that as a cue to continue. "It's cancer. I'm doing what I have to do, but…"
"It makes you feel awful," I supply for him,"And sometimes you wonder if it's right?"
He nods to me,"Yeah. And I have all of these irrational fears and thoughts…"
He looked almost shocked that he was telling me this, and honestly, so was I. But I couldn't just stop him. He needed this. We had been a good sounding board for each other once. And it was nice to worry about someone else's problems for a while before I went back to the horrible reality that had become my life.
"Like what?" I asked him curiously.
He looks down at the ground, almost like he's ashamed of it, or embarrassed to admit it. He does know that I would never laugh at him, or tell him it was stupid, or anything, right. And I wouldn't judge. Not now, I'm in no position. I'm a bigger train wreck than anyone lately. I reach over and take his hand in mine, giving it a small squeeze, to lend him support. And hoping against hope that I'm not so hopeless that I have no support left to give.
He glances over at me,"Like…that I have something to prove. Like that I have to prove I'm still a man or something…"
I couldn't help it. I had to laugh. How could Spinner ever think that he was less of a man because he was going through this, being so brave. It was ridiculous. He was one of the best men I knew, despite his penchant for messing things up.
"Wow, thanks, Darce," he said, pulling his hand out of mine.
"No, it's not like that Spin," I tell him quickly,"It's just that that idea is ridiculous. It doesn't matter if you've got both of them, one of them, or none of them. You're still one of the best men I know." It's honest, and something he needs to hear right now.
"Well maybe if I had none…" he trailed off, chuckling a little.
I laughed at him,"Yeah, maybe…"
And then almost as quickly as the laughter came, he sobered again,"You really think I'm a good guy…"
He'd always doubted that about himself since the shooting, since Jimmy. But that wasn't his fault, not directly. And Jimmy had forgiven him. "I said it, didn't I?" I question him with a small grin. Even with everything that's changed in the land of Darcy, I still wouldn't lie about something that mattered that much to someone else. "A good man is not measured by his good deeds, but by how he handles his mistakes."
And then I quickly change the subject. We don't need to go down the road of discussing our mistakes. That's way too dangerous a road. My mistakes lately have been abundant and huge. And I didn't think either of us needed to rehash the past right now. Nor did we need to be judged or judge our own past indiscretions. "So is that why you were getting into all those fights earlier this year? To prove something?" I asked him.
He nodded at me. And then he surprised me, threw me a curve ball. Asked me the one thing I was hoping would never come up. Because right now, I was no pillar of faith. I was not a spiritual guru. He couldn't need me for that, or lean on me for that. There was no scripture, no bible study conversation, no inside my head belief that I could give him that could lend him any comfort right now. "You think this is all part of some bigger plan?"
He needed my faith right now. But I just couldn't give it to him. I couldn't think of a single nice thing to say about god and how he chose to run this whole experiment. I couldn't for a while now. Maybe that's part of why I feel so hollowed out. Because the one thing I could always turn to, just doesn't seem to be there anymore, seems to have turned it's back on me. But I can't tell him I can't. I try to keep all derisiveness or sarcasm out of my voice as I give him the only thing I've got,"God works in mysterious ways." And then with all seriousness, I added, trying not to be distant,"You will be fine Spinner. And everything will turn out for the best."
His head snapped up to look at me. He had picked up on my tone, that had to be it. And he looked worried. I didn't want him to worry, so I offered him up the fake smile that had been stretched across my face for days, weeks, months now. He had to buy that I was fine. I wasn't loosing faith. Not in anything. But truth was, it was almost to the point where I didn't really have faith in anything anymore. He looked like he was going to speak again, but before he could, I jumped in with a click glance at my watch.
"I have to go. I'm supposed to meet Peter, he's getting home soon…" I give him one last small smile, a quick hug, and a peck on the cheek. And I said one last time with more conviction,"Everything will be okay. We'll talk later." It was a promise, talking to Spinner was nice. I gave him a quick wave as I started to walk away, waiting until I was out of his sight to run, run away from the memories, and from that night on the ski trip.
Spinner
Something about Darcy hadn't seemed right for a while. We didn't talk, but I still saw her around. Saw her argue with Manny. And she cried more often. She seemed sad. And after the end of our conversation I was sure there was more to it. I gave her a small wave as she started her hasty retreat from me, and what we had almost talked about.
I should talk to her, or Manny later, but first I had to go find my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure I'm late to meet her.
Peter
"Hey beautiful," I said to Darcy when she came running up to hug me. She pulled away going into some immediate apology about being late. But her eyes were clouding over. The way they always seemed to now when I called her beautiful, or anything similar.
"Hey, no worries," I said to her, pulling her close to me again,"How was your weekend?" I'd been gone with my dad for a weekend retreat. And I had hated to leave, but Darcy had insisted I go. She'd insisted she'd be fine. She didn't need me to be there to hold her hand, that she wouldn't be alone. And most of all that it would look suscpicious. I would've had to explain my desire to stay behind which would mean that her secret would have to come out.
"It was fine," she said to me with a nod,"A little loney….I missed you." There were unshed tears in her eyes, I could see them. It had been like this for months. And I felt completely helpless to have any way to make it better. Until now I hadn't even really been a super sensitive guy. And here my girlfriend was, with all these painful memories and thoughts, and I couldn't do a thing for her.
"You okay?" I asked her, worried, pulling her closer to me again.
She nodded against my chest. "Yeah," she said,"I'm just so sick of talking about it…" It never seemed to make things better. But she never really said anything significant either. I could tell most times there was a lot kicking around inside her head, none of it pleasant, but she never said what. "And I think some of these teas might be for Spinner…I just finished talking to him. He's got it rough with chemo and everything right now."
So, she'd talked to Spinner while I wasn't around? I wasn't sure how I felt about that. But it was probably nothing more than trying to be a friend. Darcy wanted to be friend's to almost everyone, or she had. And seeing that back was nice. Maybe it was a sign. "Did you talk to him about the ski trip?" I asked curiously. It'd be good for her to talk to someone, but if she had talked to Spinner and not to me, that would hurt, more than I even thought it would.
She seemed to rip herself out of my arms, like I'd said words to start a fight with her. The look on her face was almost one of disgust. "What?! No!" She shook her head vehemently,"I can't even talk to you and Manny about it…It's not something I want to broadcast…it's so shameful…" She shuddered slightly.
"You don't have anything to feel ashamed about, Darce," I tried to tell her, but I knew she wasn't listening. She was shutting down. "Somebody did something horrible to you," I pulled her to my chest again. I wanted to protect her, like I should have that night at the cabin. I wanted to shield her from feeling any more pain over this. I wanted to shield her from her own thoughts, from her own mind. "But that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes them one."
"A good person isn't measured by their good deeds, but how they handle their bad ones," she murmured softly. And I didn't know where that came from, or what else to say. She hadn't committed any bad deeds, but she wasn't ready to believe that right now. So, I didn't say anything. I just kissed her forehead and held her while she cried.