Finally, another chapter! Don't worry, this fic will be long- and extremely insane. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Same disclaimers. Please review.
Chapter Two: When One Stupid Crossover Just Isn't Enough
"Okay, now this is totally unacceptable," the Fifth Doctor said. "If you had appeared here, I would have remembered it."
The Fourth Doctor replied, "Well, as my future self," indicating the Ninth Doctor, "will oft say, time is fluid, constantly changing.'"
The Fifth Doctor sighed. "Well, on your own head be it," he said. "If any Reapers show up, you will have to deal with them."
Four winked. "Just remember, if I die, you two die too."
"Hey, that ain't fair!" Nine protested.
"What on earth is going on?" Picard asked. "I am an officer of the Galactic republic, and I will be answered-"
"Captain, we're being hailed."
"What, again? Open hailing frequencies."
A picture appeared. Everyone stared. After a long pause, Tegan said into the silence, "That's a really bad face job."
The visage croaked, "Welcome, Doctor. At the risk of sounding cliched, I've been expecting you."
The Ninth Doctor's face turned hard. "ello, Sidious. Long time no see." He turned to Picard. "I'm thinkin' we should be swanning off about now."
The view screen flickered, and Sidious' horrible face smiled menacingly. "Now, my young Doctor, you will die..."
"Young?" Nine snorted. "Who you callin' young? I'm eight hundred years older than you! At the least!"
Sidious looked mildly annoyed. He coughed. "It matters not, my young apprentice. Now... feel your anger... give in to the dark side... use your anger, feel it, FEEL IT!"
"Well, that's stupid," Tegan muttered.
"What did you say?!" Sidious croaked.
"Well, if you want to trick someone into going over to the dark side, why say 'use your anger, give in to the dark side?' Doesn't that guarantee they won't? Just a bit of common sense. Honestly, you're worse than the Master!"
"SHUT UP!" Sidious commanded.
Tegan grinned charmingly. "Too bad," she said. "Not even the Doctor can make me shut up once I get going, I doubt you'll have any better luck. See, I have this problem with just chattering on, and on, and on, and on. I'm just a walking mouth on legs. Nothing seems to cure me- therapy, death threats, almost getting blown up-"
"I order you to be silent!"
Rose smiled. She was starting to like this girl, despite her horrible Australian accent. Beside her, Nine grinned manically, Four chuckled, and Five beamed proudly. Adric and Nyssa scowled.
"Now, that's my problem. Yours, on the other hand, is a face that looks like you ran into a brick wall. What you need is a really good plastic surgeon. I could recommend one-"
"Unless you shut up right now," Sidious said menacingly, "I will destroy this entire ship and all those upon it."
"Please, please shut up," Picard pleaded. "It's my ship, you know." He was beginning to feel rather upstaged, and he wanted to remind everyone that he was in charge, not some messed-up alien weirdo and his gang of teenage friends.
"Oh, all right," Tegan growled huffily. "If you insist."
"Thank you," Picard and Sidious said in unison. The Doctors winked at each other. Rose was beginning to find them rather annoying. One Doctor was enough eccentricity, arrogance, and bad humor for her; three was really getting on her nerves. At least the others didn't seem to have quite the same serving of existential angst that hers had; that would have been quite unbearable. She exchanged a significant glance at Nyssa.
"Now," Picard continued, in a futile attempt to restore some sanity to the situation, "let's just talk about this like civilized human beings, eh?"
"Nice try," Nine chuckled, "but most of us aren't actually human."
Rose started. She stared at Tegan, Nyssa, and Adric, trying to decide which of them was actually a bug-eyed monster in disguise. Then she started again, realizing how stupid this was; after all, the Doctor looked human. Then she started again, realizing that the Doctor could be a bug-eyed alien in disguise. Then she started a fourth time, realizing that she didn't even know if there actually was such a thing as a bug-eyed alien-
This alarming sequence of thoughts was disrupted by Picard swinging his fist around and punching Nine ringingly in the head. The Time Lord dropped like a stone. Picard breathed a sigh of relief. "He was really starting to get on my nerves," he explained.
"Oh, Doctor!" Rose cried, and flung herself on the ground next to the unconscious alien.
Four sighed. Why are my companions always pretty idiots? he thought. Hmm, maybe I'm trying to compensate for something. How disturbing.
"Now," Picard said, "let's discuss this like civilized- um- beings. Let's start with you, Mr. Sidious. What do you want?"
"To take over the Galaxy! Mwah ha ha ha ha!" came the rather disturbing reply.
Picard nodded. "A worthy, if somewhat cliché, goal," he admitted. "So what do you want from us?"
"The Doctor," Sidious explained. "He is one of my most ancient enemies."
"Ha, that's certainly true!" Tegan cracked. "He always lies about his age." She was quieted by a glare from the remaining two Doctors.
"So which one do you want?" Picard asked. "I'm sure we could work out an agreement." Both Doctors loudly protested at this. Picard had the security guards grab them and stuff gags in their mouths, but they went on protesting, if a bit muffled. He ignored them.
"There's more than one?" Sidious asked doubtfully. "I didn't know that. Um, the unconscious one's the one I know."
"Ah, excellent!" Picard said. "Security, take those two," he indicated the fallen Ninth Doctor and the sobbing Rose, "down to the transport room and beam them over as soon as my pal Sidious here gives me the coordinates."
"WHAT?!" the companions cried.
"MMPH?!" the Doctors cried, a few beats afterward.
"Too bad," the captain of the Enterprise informed Rose. "Take them away." The two were led off.
"Well this is a fine pickle you've got me into!" Tegan yelled at Five. "Ya idiot!"
"Mmph mmph," Five said guiltily.
"You always do this," Adric whined. He rounded on Four. "And you're no better!"
"Lock the rest of them in the brig," Picard ordered, and the five time-travelers were led away, Four saying something that might have been, "Are you sure don't just want a jelly baby?"