The Ebb and Flow

Chapter 4: Adjustments for the Future

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing. The restaurant mentioned is not my creation; it is an actual place.

AN: Thanks for the response. It appears that the last chapter was generally well accepted. I'm glad. I think we're getting to the point where the story line is picking up with sufficient background having been shown.

Enjoy!

Summary: Literati. The ebb and flow of a relationship. Charted from its beginning infancy, to its development, and further into its maturity. Due to the age difference, Jess and Rory begin their relationship solely as a friendship. AU.

Rory's eyes fluttered open and met Jess's gaze dead on. She widened hers in surprise. "You didn't leave."

He shook his head. "No, I didn't." But he wanted to. He hadn't slept all night, he just replayed what had happened between them over and over in his mind, trying to pinpoint exactly when his brain shut off and his body took over. He had wanted to leave her bed, go home, and beat his mind up in the privacy of his own room. But he also knew that when she woke up alone, it would hurt her even more. And if it hurt her, it would eventually hurt him as well.

So he stayed, all night, uncomfortable in his clothes that held the evidence of what they had done. What he had done. He had made a mistake and he wasn't going to deny or run away from it. He needed to be there when she woke, no matter how much he wanted to leave. It was a matter of responsibility. He also didn't let go of her all night. Jess kept her body cradled next to his, tight against his chest. He watched the rise and fall of each breath, hoping that he didn't end up hurting her any more than necessary.

"Rory," he started. "We can't ever do that again."

"I know."

He felt a slight shock at her easy agreement. "You do?"

"Yes." She palmed his jaw, allowing herself to feel his skin, knowing that she would probably never be able to do it again. "I understand."

A look of pain entered into his face, distorting his handsome features. "Rory, I…" He trailed off, not able to find the words. I can't begin to apologize for taking advantage of you like I did. I'm so sorry.

"It's okay, Jess. I understand. I really do. Last night was an…exception. Never to happen again."

He nodded and felt for a moment just how odd their conversation was. They were still lying nestled next to each other, but their words were anything but pillow talk. "I'm so sorry, Rory. I really am."

"It's not your fault."

He winced at the thought of her trying to calm him down or shoulder a part of the blame. It was his fault. He knew better. "I should have stopped it. Hell, I should have never kissed you in the first place."

"What's done is done."

Jess closed his eyes and nuzzled his nose against hers, savoring the last few moments of their stolen time together. "Now is probably not the time to say this, or ever, for that matter but…" Jess couldn't stop himself from feathering one last kiss on her lips. "I love you, you know?"

Rory closed her eyes and nodded. "I know." She also knew with the wisdom beyond her years that he didn't mean that he loved her romantically. He loved her deeply as a friend. It probably wasn't the love of siblings, Rory knew their relationship never felt like that, but she knew exactly what he meant when he said the words. "Me too."

Jess sighed deeply and untangled their arms and legs, getting up to stretch his muscles. He tugged on his shoes and glanced over his shoulder at Rory who was sitting up on the bed, smoothing out the tangles in her hair. He tried to offer her a smile. "Will I see you at the diner?"

She nodded. "Of course."

She did show up at Luke's that morning and he served her in silence. But it wasn't uncomfortable. Oddly enough, they weren't awkward with one another. Rory didn't avoid his gaze or blush when he caught her staring. Jess didn't go out of his way to keep busy with orders nor did he shelve unnecessary inventory. But there were no smiles exchanged between them. When she left to go to school, he just nodded at her, silently saying goodbye.

Their relationship changed. It was something they were both prepared for. Rory no longer appeared at his window in the middle of the night, and Jess certainly didn't seek her out. But he saw she was sleeping again, her eyes looked less red and the dark circles under her eyes were less vivid now. He could only see them when he got close to her, noticing the thin layer of makeup that did a fair job of concealing.

They also didn't do movie dates anymore. They avoided all contact between them that didn't have other people around. But she did show up every day for coffee and sometimes after school for an early dinner. Jess's schedule changed when the new semester started and they saw even less of each other as his shifts at the diner changed as well. He saw her two or three times a week at the most, but the contact was friendly. Their easy banter returned and he joked and teased her into blushes. Rory still borrowed his books and asked for his help on homework when he had the time to spare.

Ironically, they touched easily. Nothing that echoed a hint of what happened that night, but Jess didn't avoid tapping her arm to get her attention and he didn't hesitate he hug her with one arm around her shoulders in greeting. As the divorce papers were signed and settled, it was Jess who held her tight when Rory found out at Luke's. It was by accident that she read the notation in her mother's blackberry, but Jess absorbed her tears and held her close.

But things changed for them individually as well. Jess stopped seeing Caroline and for the first time since he started dating, he went for weeks at a time without a new girl. He concentrated on school and thought seriously about applying for a transfer. The money he saved up working for Luke was a sizable amount now and his parents had saved up for him as well. Rory started to see Dean more regularly and it was almost a given that he was her boyfriend, although they didn't label it as such. She accepted her parents' divorce without any more tears and opened up to her mom about her feelings.

Jess watched Rory listen to Dean's animated gestures and words. She nodded at the right times and injected a question here and there but Jess noted with a hint of sarcasm that she was faking it, and doing a poor job at that. She was bored and he knew it.

He had watched her relationship with Dean develop over the last few months without jealousy. It was for the best that Rory found a boy her own age to hang out with. But Jess also worried about her. She wasn't smiling with that same twinkle anymore. She was becoming overshadowed by Dean and Jess saw right through it. But he didn't say anything because it wasn't his place and since Rory didn't go to him seeking advice, Jess didn't feel like he should give it. But he watched out for her, waiting and hoping to never see a sign that she was in trouble.

"Jess?" Her soft voice questioned from behind.

He straightened up and left the rag on the table. "Hey you." His voice deepened.

She smiled easily and he briefly saw a glimpse of the lighthearted Rory that was missing for all this time. "I know it's probably silly to ask, but do you have plans for tomorrow?"

The edges of Jess's lips curled into a half smile. "Not that I'm aware of."

"How can that be? It's your twenty-first birthday."

Jess chuckled. "I'm a loner." Which they both knew was true. Jess made acquaintances easily enough, he was charming and knew how to use it to his advantage, but he didn't make friends quite as easily. He had trouble letting people in.

"Well you have plans now. I'm taking you out to dinner." She considered the idea briefly. "Though it's probably not going to be that exciting seeing as how I'm not old enough to drink."

Jess knew she was trying to make a joke about it but in that moment he didn't feel like making light of the topic. "I would love to have dinner with you, Rory. Thank you."

She blushed a little bit and nodded. "Okay then. I'll meet you here at six."

Jess bent down briefly and tucked a lock of hair that had fallen out of her ponytail behind her ear. He smiled. "Sounds good." Jess returned to cleaning the table in front of him and felt the weight of Dean's stare on his back.

Rory threw her arms around him like a precocious child and he laughed as he hugged her back. "Happy birthday." She kissed him lightly on the cheek and flushed a deep red when she pulled back quickly.

"Thanks." He didn't specify whether he was thanking her for the sentiment or the kiss.

"Ready to go?" Rory watched him shrug on his leather jacket.

"Yeah." He turned off the lights to the diner and ushered her out with a hand at the small of her back. "We taking my car?"

"Please. The heat's not working in the Jeep."

The walked the short distance to where his car was parked and he unlocked both their doors with a push of a button. "Want me to look at it?"

"No, don't worry. I don't want to bother you with it."

He slipped in behind the wheel. "It's no bother. No reason for you to pay to have it done if I can do it for free."

"Okay. Thanks." Rory settled in and breathed in the smell of Jess's car. It was clean, devoid of clutter and the dashboard lit up as he threw the car into gear. She once teased Jess for his white Volvo but he said that the Marianos had a thing about the safety of their cars. Jess had later confided in her that his grandmother had died in a car accident.

"So, where are you taking me?" Jess asked with a grin.

"Prospect Café." Rory admitted shyly.

Jess's brows lifted. The restaurant had been around for a while and catered to both an after work bar setting and a cozy, romantic one as well. Though Jess knew that the prices varied and was reasonably affordable, he hadn't expected Rory to take him to such a nice place. He had expected a night of pizza or hamburgers where they refilled their own soda. But now as he took in the sight of Rory's attire he noticed that while he couldn't see what she wore beneath her coat, her legs were bare below her knees and she wore delicate heels that probably brought her eye level to him.

Still, even as he was flattered and surprised, he didn't want Rory to be spending that kind of money on just his birthday. Jess started to suggest that they go elsewhere but realized that it would sound ungrateful. So Jess just drove and they listened to his CD playing softly in the background.

Rory was nervous about her choice of restaurants. She had wanted to take Jess somewhere special but couldn't decide on what. But she knew that The Prospect Café was a likely choice for people going on a date and she hadn't wanted Jess to think that was what she was aiming for. She just wanted to show Jess how much he meant to her especially for taking care of during that turbulent time of her parent's divorce.

They were shown to a little table nestled in the corner and their knees brushed as they sat facing each other. Jess was polite and refused the offer of alcohol, not wanting to make Rory feel out of place. They ended up sharing a slice of cake for dessert in celebration of his birthday and Rory was smart enough not to ask the waiters to sing to Jess.

Jess smiled across the table. "Thank you, Rory. Really." He reached for her hands and held them briefly. "I know…" He paused and toyed with her fingers. "I know why you did this. And thanks."

She almost started to cry. "I should be thanking you."

Jess wanted to deny that statement, but left it at that. They both knew that he had helped her through a rough patch but that they also made their own mistakes along the way.

The radio was turned off during the trip home and they rolled down the windows, letting the breeze flow through. The night was enjoyable but Jess noticed that Rory wasn't very talkative. He shifted gears smoothly and snuck a glance at her. "You okay, Ror?"

She gifted him an easy smile and returned her gaze out the window. "Yeah, why?"

"You just don't seem as chatty as normal."

"I'm fine."

He paused, nodding and humming under his breath. "Okay. You wanna try that again this time telling me the truth?" He smirked.

Rory hesitated. "Dean has asked me to be his girlfriend. Officially."

"And it's too soon for you?"

"No. Yes." She sighed. "I don't know. Maybe."

Quietly, Jess responded. "Then maybe you're not ready for it yet." When Rory didn't speak up, he glanced over at her and saw that her face was turned away from him. "Rory," Jess started gently, "is Dean pressuring you to have sex?" They arrived in front of her house and he parked across the street by the curb. He knew how ridiculous it sounded for him to ask her that question after what had happened between them a while ago, but he still wanted to know if Rory was being treated poorly. Jess turned off the ignition and shifted in his seat. "Rory?"

She finally turned with her eyes lowered. "Not in so many words. I mean, he doesn't say, 'Rory have sex with me.' But when we kiss…I guess, yeah."

Jess leaned back on the headrest. "Rory, you know you don't have to do anything you don't want to, right?" Jess shook his head at the irony of his words. It was months ago that he himself had been in her bedroom, coaxing her body into a shuddering climax. Her first, obviously.

"I know." She knew that. Of course she did. And she also knew that she wasn't going to let Dean pressure her into anything. "Jess, if I were older would things have been different for us?"

Jess was blindsided by her question and he stayed quiet for several minutes. "I don't know. Maybe. But we wouldn't have been friends like we are now if you were older." He paused as the full implication of what she was saying sunk in. "Rory, is that why…"

"No," she assured him in a quiet but steadfast voice. "Well, not really." At least she was being honest, Rory thought. Yes, Jess did factor a bit into her decision but she couldn't pin it all on him. Mostly, it was because she wasn't ready.

"I don't know what to say."

"I'm not…blaming you or anything."

"I know."

She watched his eyes dance around the car and then finally settle on hers. "I just wonder sometimes. How different it would be."

He noticed almost absentmindedly that the stars were bright tonight. He knew it was impossible to forget or push aside what had occurred between them, but he also knew that he would never want to forget that night. Yes, it had been wrong but it had also been amazing and beautiful in its own way.

"But I think you're right. We wouldn't have been friends like we are if I were older. Things would have started differently and we probably wouldn't be as good of friends." Rory was aware that Jess had fallen silent. "Do you ever think about that night, Jess? I do." She watched as his gaze swung into hers. "Sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday. I still remember everything so…vividly."

Jess rubbed at the weariness at his temple. He didn't want to sound arrogant at his assumption that he factored into her decision, but he was honest enough to realize that she probably did weigh him in. "Rory, I don't want you...waiting for me or anything like that. But I'm not saying that you should rush into it either. Sex is…a big deal. More so for girls. And you really shouldn't be with anyone you don't truly love."

"Yes, I know." Rory answered quietly.

Jess's throat closed up around the lump that had formed. "I think about it too. I don't want you to think that I just forgot about it. And it was a big deal for me too, you know? Not because it was," Jess paused, "wrong but because it was…special for me as well." It was hard to convey exactly what he felt into words. He knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, but he didn't want Rory to think that the only emotion he felt was regret over the incident. It had been, and still was, more memorable than most of the sex he'd had, even though they never took off any clothing.

"I understand."

There was plenty more to be said but they had spoken enough for one night. He glanced at the digital clock on his dash. "It's getting late, Ror."

"Would it…be okay if I asked to give you a birthday kiss?"

He considered it and smiled slowly. Jess didn't reply but leaned across the center console, gently cupping her cheek in his palm, his fingers tracing the swell. Their lips touched for a few moments but when he pulled back, he lingered and felt her fingers dig into his upper arms, holding him still. Jess connected them once more, fitting his lips over the bottom, the one that was slightly fuller than its mate. Both kisses were sweet, only lips, and brief. "Want me to walk you to the door?"

Rory smiled but shook her head. "I'm fine."

When she opened her door, he got out as well, waiting for her to step off the curve and around to his side of the car. Jess opened his arms and she stepped into them for a full contact hug. He laid his cheek against her and kissed the crown of her head. Jess retreated slightly and whispered very softly, almost silently, into her ear. "I love you, sweetheart."

She nodded but there was no point in echoing them back to him. They both knew it was true but saying it wasn't going to change things. Jess waited until she was safely in the house before he got back into his car.

When he got home that night, his parents had left on the kitchen light with a note attached to a large envelope. In his mother's cheery handwriting, she had circled the sender on the envelope and drew several big question marks along with a few exclamation points next to a happy face. Jess tore open the packet and smiled broadly at the letter of acceptance.

Jess Mariano,

We're pleased to offer you a place in the fall program at New York University…

He left the letter on the table for his parents to see in the morning and went to bed with a smile.

He had to wait a few days before he got to chance to speak to Rory privately. She smiled when he asked her to take a walk with him. He led her to the park and sat down beneath her favorite weeping willow. "Rory, I've been accepted into NYU."

For a few seconds, she was dumbfounded. "You, what?"

He sat down and leaned against the bark. "NYU. I applied a while back and they've accepted me as a transfer student. I start in the fall."

She sat facing him but stared at a point on the tree trunk a few inches away from his eyes. "Oh."

Her eyes remained glazed over and he took her hands into his and played with her fingers tenderly. "Rory?"

"That's…great. Congratulations."

Jess smiled. "Thank you, but you don't have to pretend like you're excited."

She deflated at him voicing the truth. "I am excited. For you. I'm just…being selfish I guess."

He let go of her hands but shook his head. "No, it's not selfish. I understand. I'm not exactly itching to leave home, but it's really a good thing for me."

"I know." She nodded. "I know that and I am proud of you."

Jess grew serious, wanting her to really realize the truth. "Rory, look at me." He waited. "I'm not going because I want to leave you or anything. I'm doing this for me, and for me alone. I'm going because it's a good opportunity for my future, not because it's an easy way for me to escape. You understand that, don't you?"

Rory didn't respond right away, ashamed that he had so easily read right through her. "Yes." She considered the full impact of what he was telling her. "We won't…see each other anymore."

"Rory," he pulled her into his embrace and even though they were in public, he let her lean against his bent legs and he cradled her loosely with his arms. "Don't think about it like that. It's a drivable distance for me and it's just a bus ride away for you if you want to visit. I'll be down for holidays. It's really not that bad."

She conceded to his statement, realizing that it was true. "So, this fall huh?"

"Yeah." He tightened his arms around her for a moment. "We'll still have this summer to spend time together."

"Are you excited?"

"Yeah, I am."

AN: There's a post in the forum where I discuss briefly about my feelings on this chapter. Questions/comments posted by readers will be answered in depth.

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