The Ebb and Flow
Chapter 5: Occasional Visits
Author: Knowhere
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Nothing.
AN: I'm spoiling you all, I really am. An update per day. It's like setting a bad precedence. :)
Summary: Literati. The ebb and flow of a relationship. Charted from its beginning infancy, to its development, and further into its maturity. Due to the age difference, Jess and Rory begin their relationship solely as a friendship. AU.
Rory helped him box up the last of his things and sat down at the counter at Luke's to take a break. For once, he sat beside her, eating with her instead of watching her eat. "You all set?"
He swallowed his bite of hamburger and nodded while taking a sip of Coke. "Yeah, I'm ready."
Their time together ended in a blur. First the rest of the semester went by in a flurry of tests and briefly seeing Jess at the diner while he worked. When the summer approached she avoided talking about his impending departure. He seemed to understand her need to just concentrate on the moment and he made an effort to spend more time with her. Jess took her to summer fair in Hartford and they spent the day laughing on the roller coasters, playing I-Spy on the Ferris wheel, and he even won a stuffed otter for her by knocking down milk bottles with a softball. Howard, the otter, 'floated' on his back clutching a starfish. But the summer was almost over now and it passed by too fast for her.
"You leaving in the morning?"
He stopped eating to look at her. "Yes." Jess knew it wouldn't be easy on them and he understood why she had been so quiet today. He also noticed that she was wearing a t-shirt that she had gotten the time they took a day trip into Hartford. They had gone into vintage and second hand stores and while he found an old fashioned typewriter for a steal, she found a shirt that was screen-printed with a picture of the planets and inscribed with, 'You're outta this world.'
Rory finished her burger, feeling like the meat just dried into dust and settled into her stomach. "I'm gonna go home and lay down. I'm not feeling too good."
Jess watched her get up in concern. "You want me to walk you home?"
"No, no. You have errands to run still. I'll call you later."
Even though he said, "all right," he still watched her warily, wondering just how hard she was taking his departure.
Rory had dinner that night with his family but left soon after. She knew that she would regret not spending more time with him but she could barely keep from crying when gave her a box of his books to keep. He grinned and told her to keep them safe but she couldn't respond. So she left his home with a muttered goodbye.
It was near midnight and she tossed and turned on her bed. Realizing that she shouldn't, she got up and dressed before she changed her mind. With Howard tucked under her arm she quickly crossed the distance between her house and his. She knocked on his window and saw him unlatch the window. "I know that I shouldn't but—"
He cut her off by helping her climb through. In all honesty, he had been expecting her to show up. She was obviously more upset than she let on and Jess had waited for her to appear, knowing that she wouldn't be able to resist. And that neither would he. "It's okay. Come in."
Jess stretched out on his bed and just held his arms open. She didn't hesitate to climb into his embrace. They lay side by side, their hands resting lightly on each other. Jess smiled and petted Howard, earning a giggle from Rory. "Is there anything you want to take?" He gestured around the room with a lift of his chin.
"Your black hoodie?"
He had a feeling she would want clothes. "Sure."
She snuggled in and closed her eyes when he wrapped his arms around her. Breathing in deeply, she tried to memorize what Jess smelled like, the different elements that made it uniquely him. He tucked her in until they touched down the lengths of their bodies. He buried his face into the crook of her neck and listened to her breathing until their breaths matched and evened out into a peaceful sleep.
Their goodbyes weren't as painful as predicted. They said them early in his room, right after they woke up knowing that delaying them until he actually drove away was probably not the best. It was silently agreed upon that she wouldn't be there with his parents to say goodbye. Though both of their parents knew they were close friends, it would have raised some eyebrows if they hugged too long or if Rory started to cry too much.
So he held her for a minute or so, standing in his almost bare room, and they didn't say much. She didn't have to ask him to call, she just hoped and assumed he would. He didn't have to tell her that it would be all right because Jess knew it wouldn't make her feel any better. Despite their age gap, or because of it, she was the best friend he'd ever had and vice versa. Jess had a hard time making friends because of the walls he had around him, and Rory had a hard time relating to girls, but she was also at that point in life where friendships with boys were not so simply innocent anymore.
Rory didn't cry and was grateful for it. She knew that it would only make things harder for Jess and besides, she was all cried out. Jess held on to her, but didn't kiss her. When he watched her climb through his window it was with a half smile on his face. He knew that the transition would be tough on her. Jess felt that perhaps their friendship had grown too close over the years. Rory relied a lot on Jess and he allowed it. He could only hope that Rory learned to deal with things by herself, or at least at the courage to seek out her mother so that someone could help.
But if Jess were being honest, he also liked having Rory rely on him. He liked knowing that if Rory had a problem, she didn't hesitate in telling him or running to him. He enjoyed their connection and he didn't make excuses for it either. Their friendship, especially in the last year or so, always seemed to boarder on something else. But it never went over to that unknown side. It wasn't something romantic, not fully. It was just something…else. It was a bit too close for friendship between two people, but not so close as to be fully inappropriate.
He watched her disappear off his front lawn in the early morning light.
They each adapted well. Jess slid into the city like he was born right into it and he thoroughly enjoyed living on his own. His roommate, Paul, who was a computer science major kept out of his way and was a clean guy. But what Jess loved the most about his new life was the anonymity of it all. He loved having people not know his name and he liked knowing that he didn't have to answer to people. No one stopped him on his way home asking how his parents were or how his day was going. He was really on his own.
Rory hung out with her girlfriends more often. One especially, Lane, enjoyed the same music as Rory and she didn't pry much into what Rory was uncomfortable in sharing. Lane had a hard time getting out of the house sometimes because of her strict mother, it was the perfect situation for Rory. Some of the other girls constantly called Rory to go to the mall or to see a movie and it felt stifling. Rory wasn't used to being around friends all the time and even at the height of her relationship with Jess, they never spent two or three full days in a row together. While they might have seen each other briefly every day, it was only for an hour or so. The fact that Lane wasn't available to hang out everyday was something that suited Rory and because of it, she liked being around Lane more. It was Rory who called her now, asking if she wanted to have lunch or just hang out and read the latest magazine.
Jess called about once a week. It was never a set schedule but he knew her well enough to figure out the best time to call. Their phone calls were mostly updates for each other. He talked about his classes and what he just explored in the city while Rory talked about Lane and the latest happenings with the town. Their conversations were friendly and touched only on surface items. She said, 'miss you' in a voice of nonchalance and Jess could tell that while it was definitely true, it wasn't as bad as they had feared it would be.
Jess waited on the bench that was, incidentally, the same one that began his relationship with Rory. He checked his watch and made his way to the school, figuring that he had five minutes until the last bell rung. Leaning against the tree near the entrance, he had a good chance of catching her come out as long as she didn't slip through another exit. He watched the crowd of high school students spill out from inside and he searched for the one he was looking for.
"Jess!" She barely gave him enough time to look before she jumped up into his arms for a hug. "What are you doing here?"
He caught her with an 'umph' and a smile, holding her tight before setting her on the ground. "Did you forget that it's Thanksgiving?"
"But you didn't say you were coming home." She smiled broadly.
"It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you." Without giving it much thought, he reached for her backpack and swung it over his shoulder. "Come on, burger at Luke's on me."
"Great." She started walking off with him but paused abruptly. "Oh, wait. Hold on a second."
He watched her retreat back to the steps of the school building and for the first time he noticed that Dean had been waiting and probably watching their interaction. Jess grew curious at the sight of Dean continually glancing over at him. Jess had naturally assumed that soon after the night they celebrated his twenty-first, Rory had agreed to be Dean's official girlfriend. She never told him as much but he had noticed that Dean had stopped glaring at him when they came into Luke's. It didn't seem like Rory was unhappy so Jess never mentioned anything. Jess noticed that their phone calls never included Dean so he didn't ask about him either, figuring that if there was something wrong, Rory would bring it up herself.
"Okay, all set."
"Rory, if you have plans, it's okay. I'm here all week." He gestured his chin in Dean's direction.
"No, no." She shook her head and didn't look back. "Tell me all about New York!"
The rest of the week was pleasant. They each ate Thanksgiving dinner with their own families but they also had leftovers at Luke's together. They chatted and enjoyed their time together. He even brought back a NYU t-shirt for her. By the end of the week, it almost felt like he'd never left. They easily slipped back into a routine with them meeting at Luke's in the morning for coffee, parting afterwards to do whatever was on their own personal agenda, then meeting back in the afternoon for a late lunch. They took a few walks around the town, stopping by her favorite tree or by the bridge he had always favored. But Jess never ran into Dean. Jess figured that Rory must have been using some of her time in the mornings to spend them with Dean while he worked on class papers and caught up with his parents.
When it was time for him to leave, goodbyes were said briefly. He told her that he would come back for Christmas and promised to call. Rory smiled and hugged him wearing the purple t-shirt he had given her.
"Jess?"
"Hey Rory." His voice was tired but he registered the fact that this was the first time she had called him instead of the other way around.
"I'm," her breathing hitched. "I'm so sorry."
He closed his eyes and leaned back in bed. "Me too." Jess reached out for the lump on the floor by his nightstand. It was Tuxedo. He had been surprised and amused when he first unpacked at school and found that Rory had slipped in her stuffed penguin. Jess thought about returning it to her but realized that it was her own little way of giving him something to keep that reminded him of her, much like he did for her in giving her some of his books and his sweatshirt.
"You're coming home this weekend, right?"
He rested one arm on Tuxedo's lopsided rounded belly. "Yeah, I'll be there. I'm only staying for the ceremony and then I have to leave."
"Okay." Rory paused. "Are you…all right?"
Jess lay in bed, hearing the phone call he received early this morning replay in his head. Snippets ran through his mind. Jess, it's Dad…grandpa…heart attack…sorry, son, he didn't make it…funeral this Saturday…
"Jess?"
"Yeah, I'm here." Jess breathed out.
Rory hesitated. "Do you…wanna talk?"
"No." Jess closed his eyes and rolled over to his side, Tuxedo pressing into his chest. "Just…stay on the phone with me."
Rory was surprised to see Jess accompanied by a pretty redhead. He walked up to Rory and briefly hugged her, lingering for just a second beyond necessary.
"Rory, this is Maggie, my girlfriend. Maggie, Rory."
Rory shook the offered hand and gave them a smile. She also didn't miss the fact that Jess had said the word, 'girlfriend.' "Hi, it's nice to meet you."
"Same here. Jess has told me about you."
Rory smiled but it died quickly when she saw Maggie glance at Jess from the corner of her eye. Jess missed it and left the two of them to be alone when he went over to his parents who engulfed him in a hug. "You go to school with Jess?" Rory asked.
"Yeah, we met in one of our classes."
Rory bobbed her head and the conversation wilted. She was never one for small talk. "So, you live in New York?" Rory mentally kicked herself. "I mean, you're a native New Yorker?"
"Born and bred." Maggie smiled and reached out to snake an arm around Jess's waist when he returned to them.
They stood together throughout the ceremony with Jess sandwiched between them. His hands were in his pockets, balled up and he fought tears from behind his black sunglasses. He had been close with his grandfather, especially when he was younger. His grandpa had taught him how to fish and took him camping when Jess was in elementary school. Though they drifted apart, his grandpa was still a constant in his life. And now he was gone.
When the lowered the casket into the ground, it was Rory's hand that he reached out to take. Jess stared at the proceedings with unseeing eyes and laced his fingers firmly together with Rory's. His thumb rubbed over the ridge of her knuckles without him knowing it and he gripped her tightly when the casket was out of sight. Rory never looked to Jess but glanced down and saw that his other hand was still in his pocket. When the crowd began to disperse, they began to walk aimlessly around the cemetery but Jess didn't let go of her hand. He didn't notice, but Rory did. And so did Maggie.
"Happy birthday." He made the trip down solely to surprise her. It was right in the middle of the week and he would have to drive back up tonight to make it in time for his early morning class tomorrow, but it was worth seeing her face light up.
"Jess!" Rory almost fell off of her stool, so surprised at hearing Jess's voice whisper in her ear.
He hugged her tightly, breathing her in. "Happy?"
"Of course!" She sat back down and patted the stool next to her. "Wow, I can't believe you drove all the way down here."
"Wouldn't miss it." He tugged out a box from out of his jacket pocket and slid it near her hand. "It's your eighteenth, after all."
"Yeah, well," Rory fingered the smashed bow on top absentmindedly and tugged out the card.
Jess watched her open the card and read the few scribbled sentences. The words he had written were brief and concise, wishing her a happy birthday.
Rory opened the box in her usual way. She was careful not to rip the paper anymore than necessary and folded it back up before she even looked at her present. "Thank you." Placing the watch on her wrist, she admired it. It was a pretty little leather thing, feminine but still edgy enough to have a tomboy quality to it.
Jess watched her fasten the strap and mentally congratulated himself on picking a winner. At first he didn't have a clue what he should get her. A book seemed too commonplace for them but everything else he thought of was either unfitting or too casual to give to her. When he saw the watch he thought it might do the trick. It was personal enough for her to wear it if she liked it, but still a gift a friend would give one another.
"Thank you," she replied again.
"Welcome."
Rory really had been genuinely surprised at Jess's appearance. He hadn't mention her birthday in their last phone call and while she expected him to send a card or a gift, she didn't go as far as thinking he would show up. She had been looking forward to her birthday, perhaps childishly and a bit selfishly, in knowing that she was legally an adult now. Jess and her never discussed things like that. They rarely spoke about boyfriends and girlfriends though Rory did tell Jess about Dean taking her to prom and Jess didn't hide the fact that soon after his grandfather's funeral, he split up from Maggie.
But they never touched on the topic of them. It wasn't assumed that anything would happen but since they never brought it up, Rory never had the chance to hear a response from Jess. It seemed like they just grew to accept their relationship for what it was: a friendship that sometimes bordered too close to be platonic. But over the recent years they hadn't touched anymore than the occasional hug. Perhaps it was the emotional bond that seemed to be pushing the boundaries.
However, Rory was introspective enough to recognize the reason why she was so looking forward to turning eighteen. It meant something new in their relationship, even if nothing was going to change. And she didn't harbor any real expectations that things would change. Jess never indicated anything of the sort and she knew it was the right thing to do. When he had first mentioned about her not waiting the time they were in his car after his twenty-first, Rory knew what he meant. Not only did he mean that she shouldn't hope for anything in terms of changing their relationship, but that Jess also meant that they weren't making promises. They were not waiting for her to be older or for more time to pass.
"So, what are your plans?" Jess asked.
Rory fiddled with her watch, setting the time and date correctly. "Dean's taking me to dinner." She looked up. "Are you staying? 'Cause maybe we can—"
Jess waved her off. "No, don't cancel on him. I have to go back in a few hours anyways." He smirked. "Besides, I don't think he'll be too happy if his girlfriend bailed out on her own birthday dinner."
Rory rolled her eyes. "He knows you're important to me. Besides, if it's my birthday dinner, I should have a say in whether or not I'm bailing." She finger quoted the last word and imitated Jess's deeper voice.
"Okay, okay." He threw his hands up in surrender and chuckled. "Wanna take a walk with me?"
"Sure."
Jess lingered around, waiting for her to pay for her burger and opened the door for her. They walked pass to the gazebo and made their way to the park, automatically stopping under the weeping willow. Jess had thought about this conversation on his way down to Stars Hollow. He didn't think they needed to address anything but feared misunderstanding on her part. He didn't want there to be any expectations. "Rory," he began and sat down on the ground next to her. Jess didn't quite know how to continue. "You happy?"
"Of course." She smiled brightly and misunderstood.
Jess couldn't help but return her expression with a half smile of his own. "Rory, that's not what I meant."
At the drop of his voice, Rory looked up, scrunching her brow. "Well, what did you mean?"
Jess sighed and ran his hand through his hair, making it messier than usual. There was no other way to approach things but dive headfirst. "Rory, are you…expecting something? Something to happen?"
Rory looked down at her hands, studying the freckle pattern. "Honestly?" She didn't have to pretend to not understand what he was asking now. She knew.
"Please."
She watched some kids chasing each other in a game of tag not too far away. "No, I guess not."
Jess examined her closely, looking for signs in her facial or body language that would signify a lie. "Are you telling me the truth?"
Her gaze veered back to his but not in anger at his doubtful question and she said the first thing that came to mind, "Yes." It was true, partially so, but there was something else there. Not really a nagging voice that whispered, liar, but a tugging on her heart that felt that maybe, just maybe, she did wish for something more now that she was older.
"I know we don't," Jess paused to find the words, "talk about it." He twirled a blade of grass. "About us."
"No, we don't."
"And now that you're eighteen." Jess chuckled with the humor wasn't there. "I don't know what to say, not really." It was a new step for them, he knew it. When her birthday was approaching, Jess had found himself wondering if this would change things for them. While it didn't magically make him feel like she was suddenly fair game, it did make him wonder seriously for the first time. But he was hesitant in bringing it up. Her friendship meant much more than anything else.
She laid her hand warmly on his and squeezed his fingers before releasing him again. "You never led me on, if that's what you're worried about. You never made me think that something was going to happen."
Before he could stop himself, he asked the question that had been floating around in his mind. "You never wanted anything to happen?"
She breathed out a smile, the kind of smile that expressed disbelief mixed in with a bit of nostalgia. "Well, of course I've wanted something to happen. I'm only human, after all, and that kind of feeling isn't something that's so easily repressed when you're sixteen."
He chuckled. "Yeah, guess not."
Rory sobered and met his gaze directly. "Jess, you don't have to worry or feel guilty. It was…a long time ago." No doubt they didn't need to clarify what it was. "And I never really expected anything to happen with us. Nothing beyond a passing stray thought. I think I've learned to accept it. Learned to accept us, for what we are."
"And what are we? What am I?" He needed to hear what she would say. There was something important in hearing from her lips, just to clarify it all.
Rory thought about it for a few minutes. Friends? It seemed too mundane to describe them. Too bland to describe him and what he meant to her. "You're…Jess."
His lips twitched, thinking that there wasn't any other way to describe it. Jess tugged on her arm and pulled her between his legs, hugging her. "And you're Rory."
AN: Check out the notes I've posted for this chapter.
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