The Owner's Guide to Marco

A Manual

Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of Marco, the clown of the Animorphs. To get the maximum enjoyment from your Marco, do not read all of these instruction thoroughly before opening and just wing it. Of course, if you want to play it safe, we suggest you continue.

What have I ordered?

You have ordered a third class comedian, a second class player, and a first class pain-in-the-ass. He comes complete with MOST of the following:

- All morphs shown in the commercial.

- A pair of tight shorts.

- A T-Shirt.

Please do not remove second or third item, as we are trying our very best to keep this manual K+ rated. If you feel a desire to do so, please notify us so that we may beat some sense into you. If second item is missing, replace immediately!

How to Assemble

Your Marco is extremely simple to assemble. He will arrive inside of a normal brown box. DO NOT use a pair of scissors to open. Open up the box with your hands, and if you are a female, Marco will enjoy it if you lift him out. If not, simply stand back. He will climb out by himself.

After Assembling

Your Marco will go to sleep. Do not wake him for at least eight hours, or he will morph to gorilla and tear you limb from limb.

Help! I woke Marco up too early!

Do not panic. Quickly grab a banana and offer it to him. It this does not placate him, offer to do his homework for the next two weeks. If this fails and you are a female, offer to go on a date with him. If this fails, then ignore what we said before, and panic. You will be torn limb from limb very shortly. It's your own fault. We warned you.

Added Info

Marco does not enjoy the sight of somebody lying on the sofa in anything resembling a bathrobe.His eyes may begin to tear up, though he will try to hide it. For the love of Marco, please do not lie on the sofa. Especially not while drinking beer. Marco will burst into tears.

Marco will also not enjoy seeing you marry anybody, and he will not be able to morph properly.

But what really makes Marco wig out is an ant. If he sees an ant, he will begin to scream and stomp. Afterwards, you will find that you have excess amounts of raid around the house.

Help! I was lying on the sofa in my bathrobe and Marco saw me!

Don't panic. Get up, and tell Marco that you are going on a trip. Drive him to a random graveyard, and say "Marco, I haven't been a very good Father/Brother/Mother/Sister/Friend to you. Your Father/Brother/Mother/Sister/Friend wouldn't be very happy with me."

Marco will say, for no apparent reason: "Aw, Father/Brother/Mother/Sister/Friend, You never could understand computers."

He will be fine in no time.

Help! Marco saw me get married!

Don't panic. There are three simple solutions:

1. Sit Marco down and talk to him. The is a 2 percent chance that he'll understand, and a 98 percent chance he will morph to gorilla and tear you limb from limb.

2. Return your Marco to us for no refund at all.

3. Get a divorce.

Easy choice, huh?

Help! I was lying on the sofa in my bathrobe and Marco saw me! And I was drinking beer!

God dammit, doesn't anybody follow instructions anymore? Your Marco has just suffered an irreversible mental breakdown. He will now just sit in corners and blubber. Nobody can help him, that is all he will do, all of his life. You are responsible for the shattered child that used to be the bundle of fun Marco. Don't you feel bad? Don't you?

What does Marco like to do?

Marco enjoys a healthy variety of activities. He enjoys girl chasing, video games, jokes, riddles, and practical jokes. If Marco's girl chasing gets out of hand, consider ordering a Hank character. And beware of Marco's practical jokes.

You will constantly find doorways with bucket of water on them. The will always be salt in the sugar bowl, and sugar in the salt shaker. Your bed will be short sheeted every night, I kid you not. He will jump out at you at every chance he gets and yell "Boo!". Every time you fall for one of his jokes, he will laugh very loudly and point at you. The solution is to not fall for his jokes, or you can order a Jordan character (see below).

If you can't take it, send him back to us for a full refund. Please, do not punish him. This is how he acts naturally, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

How to Maintain your Marco

All your Marco needs is a few good belly laughs per day, and he will live a long and prosperous life. As long as the is something he can laugh at, he will live indefinitely.

In Conclusion

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most hilarious) member of your family. If Marco is lonely, a Jake character will be a good choice. If you choose a Rachel character, they will fight all day long. Strangely enough, Marco and Rachel will show higher levels of enjoyment. Scientists have not yet figured out why.

Visser 3, Visser 1, and Jordan are not recommended. The last one can be purchased if you would like to free yourself from Marco's practical jokes, or if you are a particularly cruel person. Ironically, She is the one girl he will NOT chase. In fact, He will spend so much time hiding from her that he won't have time to set up practical jokes. If Jordan does catch Marco, be kind and save him. Unless, of course, you would like to see him suffer. Then by all means, stand by with a box of popcorn and enjoy the show.

Thank you for reading this manual. Any further questions can only be asked by clicking that magical button below that I love so much.