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The Owner's Guide to Rachel

A Manual

Warning! Do not open this box without reading this manual first! The information in this manual may be the difference between life and death!

You are now the proud companion of Rachel, Xena Warrior Princess. Yes, companion. Do not think for a second that you own Rachel, as you will lose your life.

What have I ordered?

You had better know what you ordered. People who are unaware that Rachel Berenson is inside of this box should send it back immediately. She comes complete with all of the following:

- All morphs shown in the commercial

- A black leotard

- A red leotard

- A swimsuit

- A bag of stylish clothes

- Makeup kit

- Cell phone

- An aditude

- Inflatable decoy dummy.

Please, we beg you not to touch any items. DO NOT remove items two through five, or you will end up with anything from several mutilated digits to a premature death.

How to Assemble

You don't. When Rachel arrives inside of her golden crate, leave it exactly where it is. Do not move it. Do not touch it. Do not interact with it in any way. Rachel should emerge from it when she wants to. If she does not emerge from the box within 48 hours, you may take a pair of scissors and open it carefully, with the S.W.A.T team, the marines, or the army standing by. Preferably all three.

Help! I moved the box!

Do not panic. You will have a few seconds in which to react. If you have a Cassie, or Tobias character, get them in the area, pronto. They may be able to calm down Rachel before she kills you. If you do not, please pray. If you are not a religious person, now would probably be a good time to convert.

After Assembling

Your Rachel will immediately need something to attack when she comes out of the box. If you know any form of trained fighting, you can give her a good battle, which she will enjoy. She will then demand fifty dollars, and go shopping at the mall.

Help! I don't know any form of trained fighting!

Do not panic. Inflate the large decoy dummy and cower behind it. There is a ninety percent chance that Rachel will attack the dummy. The other ten is you. If Rachel does go for you, protect your face and remember that we are not responsible for the medical bills.

Help! I don't have fifty dollars!

Do not panic, and do not tell Rachel this. Call tech support at 1-800-BROKE, and we will rush somebody to your house with a loan of fifty dollars. If we take longer than fifteen minutes, we promise to pay for funeral expenses.

Added Info

Rachel is a very intense person to live with. When she comes back from the mall, she will require a room to live in. If one is not prepared, she will kick you and you belongings out of your room, with nothing but a 'tough luck'. She will move all of her items into the room, and live there indefintely. There are many, many rules to co-existing peacefully with your Rachel:

1. Do not look at Rachel the wrong way. Any angry or accusing looks will earn you a broken finger. A look of lust will earn you a broken neck. If you and your Rachel form a very strong bond, you will find that the number of attacks per day decreases. That is all. Flirting is NOT recommended, especially if you have the Tobias character. You will be killed two times over.

2. Do not hit ANY starfishes that you might see. It just might be your Rachel, and then you will have two entirely different characters: Wimp Rachel and Mean Rachel. If you wish for your old Rachel back (Trust me, you will), We recommend an Erek the chee figure.

3. Do not argue with her. Especially not about food in the refrigerator. If you do get into an arguement, please, please, do not say 'Duh'. Rachel will immediately launch herself at you in a frenzied attack.

Help! I looked at Rachel the wrong way!

Don't panic. Immediately call 1-800-SAVE-MY-SORRY-ASS. We will send over a small task force of fighters trained to do just that. Listen to exactly what they say, or you will die. There is a good chance this will happen anyway, but at least we tried, right?

Help! I chopped a starfish in half and it was Rachel!

See above.

Help! I got into an arguement with Rachel!

Don't panic! Simply call your resident smart mouth, either the Marco character or the Jordan character. Either one will successfully draw her attention away from you. Argument will continue for up to five hours. If you do not own either of these characters, you may call 1-800-SAVE-MY-SORRY-ASS.

Note: This number is for Rachel Characters only. Please do not call when Jake is in Red Alert mode, or any other character crisis is happening. Each crisis has a distinct hotline, and you will provided with that number in your manual.

Help! I got into an arguement with Rachel! And I said 'Duh'!

Don't panic. If you own a Jordan character, call her immediately. If not, call 1-800-SAVE-MY-SORRY-ASS. But there is not a good chance that they will suceed. Actually, it is a very slim chance. But don't give up hope!

What does Rachel like to do?

Fight, Battle, and War. Sign her up for boxing classes. Karate. Twikando. Anything to release her aggressive nature through healthy outlets. If you can not afford to pay for these activities, consider a nice game of Risk. We reccomend a Jake character for her to play against.

Rachel also likes verbal banter. If you've got a wit of steel, you and your Rachel can have hours of fun trading colorful insults. If not, prepare to be insulted mercilessly.

How to Maintain your Rachel

Do not mention maintaining your Rachel. She is fiercely independant, and will attack.

Help! mentioned maintaining Rachel!

Don't Panic. You should know the number to call by now. If not, please call 911 for a hospital near you.

In Conclusion

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most violent) member of your family. If Rachel is lonely, we recommend a Cassie character. If you choose a Marco character, they will fight all day long. Strangely enough, Marco and Rachel will show higher levels of enjoyment. Scientists have not yet figured out why. A Melissa character may be acceptable after a few weeks spent trying to revive their lost friendship.

T.T is not recommended.

Thank you for reading this manual. But trust us, You will be thanking us for making you read this manual.

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A/N: I know, probably not my best manual. If you think otherwise, please let me know.

P.S In response to our dear reviewer Sarah Mercury, All figures costs $75.68 dollars (plus tax), unless noted otherwise.