An Owners Guide To Visser 3

A Manual

Special Offer! Two characters for the price of one! We realize that Visser 3 would be rather boring in his natural slug-like state, so we are giving away an Alloran character FREE with all Visser 3 purchases.

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Visser 3, the leader of the yeerk invasion of Earth. Please read instructions fully before proceeding.

Urgent Note From Our (boring) Character Relationships Specialist:

At this point in the construction of your character family, it is possible to mix and match with disastrous results. Visser 3 characters represent an opposing force to all characters previously marketed, which in turn represents possible trouble.

From this point forward, you must be very cautious when considering new additions to your household. There are several strategies that you can adopt when attempting to keep order, but here is a brief overview of the most successful one, the Equality model.

With this strategy, a delicate balance of good and evil must be upheld. Every character must have another character or group of characters that opposes them, and equals them in power. Every action they make must be countered by another, and don't forget to work yourself into the equation. All good households are possible and, although we highly recommend against it, so are all evil ones. But in mixed households neither good nor evil should be a minority or majority.

- C.R.S

In plain English, that means don't let good guys outnumber bad guys, or bad guys outnumber good guys. It's a bit more complicated than that, but as long as you don't think that one Tobias balances out one Cryak you should be ok.

But, in case you do, (Or in case you have insomnia), here is our C.R.S's number: 1800-555-5555

Now, onward to your Visser 3 manual.

What have I ordered?

You have ordered Esplin 9466, or Visser 3. He comes complete with all of the following:

- Alloran

- All Morphs Shown In The Commercial

- Inflatable Yeerk Pool With Portable Kadrona Rays.

- Do-It-Yourself Junior Torturing Kit

- A Filled Up Diary

- A half-filled Journal

- An Empty Notebook

We have received numerous complaints about spontaneous loss of life, mutilated limbs, and gory decapitations. We are not liable for any injuries you have sustained from failure to heed us, and we warn you now:

If you touch, look at, or even think too hard about any of the last three items, you will suffer eternal agony at the hands of your Visser 3 character.

How To Assemble Your Visser 3 character will arrive in a special plastic box shaped like a Blade Ship. It will be darker than the blackest black, so dark that it will be impossible to find the release catch by sight alone. Use your hands to feel along the right side of the plastic crate until you feel a slight irregularity in the texture. Press down on this irregularity and stand back.

The sides of the ships will fold down, and your Visser 3 character will emerge dramatically from a cloud of steam. Clap like your life depended on it. Throw in a whistle for good measure.

Note: Do NOT throw out the blade ship crate. Your Visser 3 will want it later.

After Assembly

Your next action depends on what mood your Visser 3 character is in. In fact, you'll find that an awful lot of your actions will depend on Visser 3's mood, from now on. If Visser 3 is sleepy, find him a soft place to crash. Don't even think about reading his diary, journal, or notebook; Andalites sleep with one eye open. If Visser 3 is hungry, take him outside and let him graze on the front lawn. If you live in an apartment or other building where fresh grass is not immediately available, take Visser three to the nearest park. Visser 3 is violently allergic to hugs, slobber, petting, and being called a nice blue horsie, so stand guard and make scary noises at any young children that stray too close. It's slightly on the mean side, but you don't want anyone's death on your hands, right?

The most likely mood your Visser 3 will be in is grumpy, from being cooped up inside the blade box with Alloran's claustrophobic mind. If he is in this mood, go hide in a closet and read this next section.

What does Visser 3 like to do

Strangely enough, your Visser 3 character enjoys training puppies. He is actually a good dog trainer, if you make sure he is in human morph and his DIY Junior torturing kit is locked away.

He gets a big kick out of bossing them around. But make sure Visser 3 understands pain/pleasure training. He tends to use too much pain and not enough pleasure, which is why he needs to be in his human morph with his torturing kit out of his reach.

Another thing Visser 3 enjoys is trips to the zoo. He will be fascinated with the all the animals, and will want to acquire some. You can let him, but either make sure the animal won't take a slash at him or that you have enough cash to compensate the Zoo for their loss.

Added Info

Some characters are not readily compatible with Visser 3. Jake, for example, will clash horribly with Visser three unless you set some very firm ground rules. Such as the, 'Don't you lay a finger on each other or I'll break both of your heads' ground rule, or the armed-sentries-posted-in-every-room ground rule.

Yes, that's right. Visser 3 may be a crazy, psychotic, murderous war lord, but that doesn't mean you can't be firm with him. Show him who's boss around here, but be careful; It might be him.

Your characters will require special rules to live with Visser 3. Again, don't be afraid to assert yourself a little. Tell Rachel not to pick a fight with him unless she's in grizzly morph, and if he morphs into alien that you're not going to be the one cleaning up the slime. Make sure Sara understands that he is NOT a Pokemon, and tell Marco that there is to be no Yeerk humor at the dinner table. Especially not that horrible 'pass the salt' joke.

Now, to benefit your survival, Here are some important things NOT to do with Visser 3. There are none of the popular Help! I did something I wasn't supposed even though you told me not to! sections, because you will be beyond mortal assistance.

Five Major Visser 3 No-No's

1. We cannot stress this enough. No touching Visser 3's diary. No touching Visser 3's journal. No touching Visser 3's Notebook. Those are Esplin's personal thoughts, and if you find out his secrets he'll make it his business to see that you take them to the grave. Got it? Good.

2. Six things that you are not to call him: V3, Vee-Twee, Esplin 90240, The Abomination, Andalite Lover, and (God forbid) Visser Poo.

3. No trying to starve Visser 3 so that you can play with Alloran. Alloran's character is highly diluted, due to the fact that he is supposed to just be a vessel for you Visser 3 character. It's like throwing out the toy and playing with the box. Besides, if you fail, Visser 3 will not show mercy. To pre-order an undiluted, full strength Alloran character, contact us at 1800-REVIEW. We warn you know, the two will not take kindly to each other.

4. No serving instant Ginger or Maple oatmeal to Visser 3, he tends to view these things as assassination attempts. However, he will eat it when he feels like it, with results similar to inebriation. Make sure that there are no young children/characters within earshot of him; He knows some pretty obscene stories and songs.

5. No singing 'Esplin and Edriss sitting in a tree'. Capital N, Capitol O.

In Conclusion

We hope that you enjoy the newest, if not the most temperamental, member of you family. If your Visser 3 shows signs of loneliness, please consider purchasing (get this) a Visser 1 character.

Yes, we know it goes against every instinct of self preservation in you, everything that we've ever told you, and every fiber of your being. But recent studies have discovered that both show higher levels of enjoyment while engaged in argument. Why? The world may never know.

If you do order a Visser 1 character, you may also want to order a six-pack of generic Hork-Bajir guard characters for both of them. Just because they love to hate each other doesn't mean they both don't want each other dead.

Note: You might also want to order Iniss.

The Animorphs, Elfangor, And Mr. Loud-And-Nasal are not recommended.

If you have any comments or questions concerning, you know what to do.

A/N: Longest one yet. And in case you were wondering, I received all necessary permissions before writing this. :D