The Owner's Guide to Visser 1

A Manual

Congratulations!

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Visser 1, one of the most powerful yeerks in the empire. The reading of the instructions is highly recommended.

What have I ordered?

You have ordered Edriss 562, or Visser 1. She comes complete with all of the following:

- Eva

- Inflatable Yeerk Pool With Portable Kadrona Rays.

- Dracon Beam

- Class 1 Empire Ship.

Note: Please do not attempt to remove item 1, 2, or 3, or you may suffer irreversible damage to your mind, body and spirit.

How to Assemble

No assembly required. Visser 1 refuses to be subjected to the indignity of being shipped to your house. She will pilot her miniaturized Class 1 Empire Ship to your house in the dead of the night and land in your garage five to ten days after your order is placed. (Make sure the door is up.).

She will then knock on the door, wearing a blond wig and green contacts. Use caution when opening the door at midnight, it just might not be Visser 1. We recommend checking the garage to make sure there is a ship in there.

Help! I left the garage door down!

Don't panic. After hearing the tremendous crash and the ear-splitting sound of twisting metal, make your way over to the remains of the ship and refer to diagram A1 for a map of the ship. After the crash it may not be arranged quite to same way, but it should give you a general idea.

First, locate the engine room and make sure the engine is not about to explode. If it is, we suggest that you find the main power valve and shut it off very, very fast.

Next, search the ship for your Visser 1 character. If she is dead, so much the better for you. If she is alive, you will be lucky if you are when she is finished with you. Our only suggestion in this event is to take the Dracon beam away as quickly as possible.

Don't worry, the Class 1 Empire Ship comes with a 75 percent money-back insurance policy. We can only hope that your garage is also insured, and your car if it was in there.

Help! It's midnight and the person at my door isn't Visser 1! And they look dangerous!

Don't panic. We have a very special, personalized number just for you. It's called 911.

Added Info

Visser one is a very difficult person to get along with. She is used to preferential treatment from the empire, and expects no less from you. Now, if you have a mansion and dozens of servants, this is all fine and good. If not, there are several ways to approach this:

- Stand up to Visser 1. Tell her that she is not going to get special treatment from you and she had better adjust to a normal life. She will either respect you for it or "demote" you to a Gedd host.

- Submit to Visser 1, and wait hand and foot on her the rest of your life, doing the work of ten servants.

- Purchase a Visser 3 character. That will certainly distract her.

Help! Visser 1 demoted me to Gedd host!

Hahahahaha- Ahem. Don't panic. Call our special hotline at 1800-DECOY, and you can order a decoy Gedd controller. Just pretend like you were given to another Yeerk, and Visser one probably won't notice.

Help! Visser 1 noticed!

Don't panic. Try to keep all of your money and credit cards away from her, or she'll try to order the Council of 13 characters and hold a trial. If you succeed, good for you, if not, we have some good controller lawyers for sale.

What does Visser 1 like to do?

Visser one enjoys power, power, and did we mention power? She is power hungry, and has the brains to get it. She will take every opportunity to gain control over you and everything around her. She enjoys controlling the remote control when you watch television, If you go anywhere in the car, she will want to drive, etc. Just let her have her way; Trust us, It's easier.

Also, Humans fascinate her. Let her out of the house every once in a while to socialize. The neighbors won't mind her unless she kills some of their pets (She does it in case they're Visser 3 in morph).

She also enjoys flakies. Don't worry about limiting her intake of them; they don't affect her health or weight in any way.

Also, if you have children in the house, you will get the opportunity to see a very different side of Visser 1. She will act in a very maternal matter towards them, and she will be happier and kinder towards everyone. If you are an adult male, and an Essam character is not available, she may also act – interesting – towards you. If you are the mother of these children, please just let Visser 1 believe that they are her children. If you challenge her, a good analogy would be "Mother Grizzly with her cubs". She has a soft spot in her heart for children, maybe the only soft place in there (besides Essam's, See below).

Note: Do not leave her outside unsupervised for long periods of time. You may find that a new social group comes to your neighborhood, The Sharing…

How to Maintain your Visser 1

Here comes the tough part.

Visser 1, being Visser 1, is in constant danger. You may notice that Yeerk assassins are frequently dropping by unannounced, that the contents of Visser 1's favorite cereal box are being switch with highly concentrated Maple or Ginger oatmeal, and other things that are clearly meant to end your Visser 1's life.

The first thing to do is to make sure these are not the doing of Visser 3. If he is innocent (well, of that), then you have a few options.

If you are reasonably well to do, you could call 1800-DEFENSE. For less than twenty thousand dollars we will transform your home into a state of the art fortress. You will receive a shipment of fifty seven self-automated dracon beams, a crate of hunter robots that respond to only you and Visser 1, and all of the entrances to your house will be tricked out with the latest in Gleet Biofilter technology.

Or, if you cannot afford this, you can purchase a run of the mill, human security system.

Note: If your Visser 1 character is killed despite all of this, your money will not be refunded.

In Conclusion

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most dominating) member of your family. If Visser 1 is lonely, please consider the following:

-Visser 3 (See Visser 3 manual for explanation.)

-Essam

-Madra

Marco is not recommended.

If you have any questions or comments, we can be reached at 1800-REVIEW.