An Owners Guide To Elfangor

A Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Elfangor-Sirinal-Shamtul. It would be in your best interest to read the following instructions.

What have I ordered?

You have ordered Prince Elfangor, a hero to humans and andalites alike. He comes complete with all of the following:

· All morphs shown in the commercial

· Escafil Device

· Shredder

· Yellow Mustang

· Damaged ship (See Below)

· Guilt tablets

Note: Elfangor character deliveries are notoriously dangerous and complicated, something that we wish to fix in later versions. If you are adverse to property destroying, life threatening mayhem, an Elfangor character may not be for you.

How To Assemble

4-6 weeks after ordering Elfangor, you will notice eerie blue and red lights shining in the sky outside of your window. You should do the following:

1. Secure any loose objects, or remove them from the premises.

2. Make sure all of your characters are inside of the building.

3. Order a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese!

4. Find a large, heavy piece of furniture to brace yourself against.

5. Wait.

You may have to wait for several minutes before anything happens, so be patient. The lights will grow steadily brighter, until suddenly extinguishing with a loud noise and moderate earth shaking. This will mean that your Elfangor character has arrived, and immediate action must be taken. Quickly throw seven eighths of the pepperoni pizza out of a window, and take cover behind the large piece of heavy furniture. You will hear sounds of a fight: Please ignore them. After a few more minutes of waiting, Elfangor will enter even more injured. Give him the remaining slice of pizza; it will make him feel better.

Note: Outside is the wreckage of an andalite fighter and two bug fighters. You may keep them, or sell them for scrap.

Help! I didn't secure loose objects!

Don't panic. This is simply a precaution against the unlikely event that one of them manages to cause some injury during the shaking, and will probably not impact your survival. If you are injured, though, don't say we didn't warn you.

Help! I didn't find a large, heavy piece of furniture to brace myself against!

Don't panic. The vibrations from the ship crashing are usually insignificant, and no structure has ever sustained any real damage. However, we ask you to follow all of our instructions, as you never know which ones could be the difference between life and death.

Help! I didn't get my characters inside!

Don't panic. If they're lucky, they'll get caught under the spaceship and die a horrible, bloody death, spending their final, drawn-out moments in terrible agony. If they're unlucky...well, in interest of preserving your innocence, and our manual's T rating, won't tell you what happens if they're unlucky. Just know that it's really, really bad, and your sickest nightmares are wholesome by comparison.

Note: In the above context, 'Don't panic' means 'Your characters are going to die no matter what, so don't do something stupid and get yourself killed along with them, or get your blood pressure in a tizzy'. We apologize if we gave the impression that we had a way to fix your mistake.

Help! I didn't order the pepperoni pizza!

You didn't order the pepperoni pizza? Did you NOT notice that particular instruction was underlined, bolded, and italicized, indicating that it was insanely important?

We have only one instruction for you: Panic! However, this is one of those times where 'Don't panic' would mean you have a chance to avert your own impending doom, but given the disaster that is about to occur we assume that you are going to panic regardless of what we say. This way you will die, but you will at least die following instructions. (And we assume no responsibility for any moralities; check the Terms of Agreement.)

If you do not wish to die, you can further ignore our instructions and keep your head. If you have several kick-ass characters, specifically Animorphs, send them outside to help Elfangor, who is fighting a small army of yeerks. If you are not kick-ass inclined, we recommend that you stay out of the way and contact the Deactivation Department and request the yeerks' deactivation codes. Remember, stay near your heavy piece of furniture, as large pieces of your house are probably being smashed around.

A brief explanation that seems to be in order

If you are still alive, you are probably asking yourself why we put you through harrowing, near-death experiences like these. Do we enjoy placing your life in constant danger, and having the only way out be following a series of specific, and unnecessarily mocking instructions? The answer is, only a little bit.

Mostly, what we are doing is a complex process called Character Building. When a character is as detailed as Elfangor, certain aspects of his behavior are impossible to reproduce inside of our factories and laboratories. Therefore, we carefully arrange a series of events that will replicate a major event in that characters life. Basically, for a character such as Elfangor to truly act like Elfangor, they must go through approximately what the real Elfangor went through.

Some third-party organizations, such as AniCB, exist that are willing to do your Character Building for you. Some hardcore, die-hard Animorph fans relish Character Building; pretty much every other sane person in the world detests it. However, we wish to reassure you that these harrowing, near-death experiences are entirely necessary, and we are not toying with your life. There are some exceptions, included for our amusement, but these are minor and usually non-fatal.

After Assembly

Due to the fact that your property is probably destroyed, and seeing as it is pretty much all our fault, we offer free cleanup service. Call 1800-Ani-Mess, and a repair crew will come to more or less put your house back together. If your landlord/neighbor/roommate is upset, we will pay all compensation fees. This service is also available for other Animorph Character related destruction, but requires payment.

You should use the time that would have been spent fixing your house to get to know your Elfangor. He will seem reserved and stiff as the conversation begins, but will gradually loosen up and want to discuss the battle. Congratulate him on his tail fighting, and use words like 'scum' and 'filth' freely when describing yeerks. You will bond immediately.

What does Elfangor like to do?

Normal State

In his normal state, Elfangor wants to be a hero in the yeerk/andalite war he thinks is going on. Therefore, he should be kept away from Visser 1, Aftran, and other yeerk characters you do not wish beheaded. Also, it is recommended that you stay home with Elfangor for the first four days so that he knows you are not a controller. If yeerk attacks occur more than five times per day, do not be afraid to lay down the law. If medical expenses and character deaths pile up, you can ask all of the yeerks to stay in their yeerk pools until the problem is resolved. Elfangor limits his attacks to yeerks in their hosts. If he persists, you may have to use guilt tablets. (See Guilty State below.)

Visser 3 and Elfangor are mortal enemies, and will attack each other on sight. Neither ever really manages to kill the other, but if you own a Visser 3 character you should confiscate Elfangor's shredder to be on the safe side. There is no quick fix for this problem; you should simply resign yourself to their weekly battles. Eventually, though, one of then will realize that they cannot kill the other without some help, and the real trouble will start.

If you have followed our C.R.S' guidelines, your house will contain an equal balance of good and evil characters, and the battles will come out roughly even. Although your medical expenses may pile up, there is nothing really serious to worry about.

Help! I didn't follow your C.R.S's guidelines!

We figured that. There is only one way to fix this problem, and that is for you to join the battle as an unbiased balancer. If one side is winning, help the other side. This will make a big difference if you are a force to be reckoned with, but if you aren't the effect may seem negligible. We recommend that you use the shredder.

If you and a majority of your characters emerge alive, call 1800-555-5555 and learn how to balance your household properly.

For reasons unknown, Elfangor has an unbreakable fixation on white, round objects. He will hunt for them relentlessly, and, if they are in the possession of somebody else, battle to the death. Off-white pearls seem to attract him the most, and a whole necklace of them will drive him crazy. Do not wear any jewelry of said kind that is not easily removable; you might be strangled or lose an earlobe.

Upon obtaining them, Elfangor will dig a hole in any nearby area of dirt and bury them. Do not allow this area to be disturbed by anybody, as Elfangor will drive them away with his tail if he catches them.

Guilty State

If you find that normal Elfangor is too overwhelming, you may give him ONE guilt tablet. This may be a bit tricky, since he eats with his hooves, but dissolving it in his water usually works. When in his guilty state, Elfangor just wants to live in peace. He enjoys quiet rides through the country in his yellow mustang, and stays as far away from yeerks as possible. The guilty state is not irreversible if Elfangor is carefully watched to make sure he does not become a human nothlit. If he does, he will remain in his guilty state forever, unless you happen to own an Ellimist character.

Help! I gave Elfangor more than one guilt tablet!

Your Elfangor will sink into depression, overwhelmed with guilt, and become suicidal. There is nothing we can do about it. Are you happy now?

How to maintain your Elfangor

Keep your Elfangor character away from Taxxons, Visser 3, and Energy-Eating Asteroids, and he will be fine.

In Conclusion

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not most heroic) member of your family. If your Elfangor character appears to be lonely, please consider purchasing one of the following characters:

- Loren

- Arbron

- Tobias

Alloran, Visser 3, Jarex, and Larex are not recommended.

All comments, questions, and complaints should be directed to 1800-REVIEW.