An Owners Guide To Ellimist

A Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Ellimist. Read the following instructions. READ THEM.

What have I ordered?

You have ordered Ellimist, a.k.a the all-powerful weakling, the brilliant loser, and Toomin. He comes complete with all of the following:

- Raw Power

Note: Please do not tamper with your Ellimist's raw power. Nothing good would come of it, we promise you.

Warning: Ellimist characters are dangerous. They are dangerous in the way that the sun is hot and skyscrapers are tall, and those are understatements. They are so dangerous that we needed seventeen different permits just to market them, and we're legally required to ship them to you in armored trucks.

We are dead serious, so if you feel like you're the sort of person who cannot handle an Ellimist, return him to us immediately. But if you have an absolute, positive, I-know-I-can-do-it feeling that you can handle Ellimist, you should also ship him back to us immediately. Overconfidence is a major source of failure, and failure is, as of now, not an option.

The proper attitude to assume here is a humble, I-really-should-read-the-manual one. Instructions must be read and executed swiftly. When the manual says jump, you shouldn't ask how high, because by the time you do it will probably be too late.

You have been warned. We can only assume that you're not going to listen to us, but if you screw up and get yourself killed, remember that we told you so.

How To Assemble

Exactly one month after ordering, the universe will turn all fuzzy and blue. This will probably worry you a little bit, but you can relax, as this is completely normal. We do suggest, however, that you refrain from operating motor vehicles during this time period, and do not participate in any activity during which a sudden loss of vision could have negative effects on your health.

After your eyes adjust to the blue lighting and your brain comes to terms with the universe's newfound fuzziness, you will be able to see a shipping crate somewhere in the immediate area. This shipping crate is actually a very advanced technological device designed to shield your brain from radioactive and psychokinetic harm, but it is probably safer if you think of it as a shipping crate. Nearby is a tool that is more safely thought of as a crowbar, which you should use to do something to the crate that is more safely thought of as prying it open.

STAND BACK.

After you do this, a hazy turquoise cloud of smoke will begin to rise from the crate. You should not walk through, wave at, blow on, or otherwise disperse this smoke. DO NOT inhale this smoke.

After a few moments, the cloud of smoke will solidify, and the universe will stop being blue and fuzzy. The cloud will usually solidify into a shape that resembles an old man, but it could theoretically solidify into a young girl, or a dog, or a cat, or all three of them at the same time if it wanted to. Whatever shape, it is now an Ellimist character, and it more or less belongs to you.

Help! I didn't stand back!

Don't panic. If you somehow managed to survive to massive onslaught of psychokinetic energy that was released when the "shipping crate" was "opened", congratulations on your impressive mental constitution. Give yourself a pat on the back if your motor skills are still up to the task.

Next, check to see if the instruction following part of your brain is still functional. It will be the one whose lack of use got you into this situation in the first place. If you didn't check, then it's not functional, and there's no point in trying to give you any more instructions.

If you did check, that means that you can still follow instructions, to some extent at least. Call 1800-PSI-HARM, a conveniently standard phone number in case you've damaged your short-term memory. We will send over expert neurologists to help restore your mental activities.

Note: If you vomit within one hour of the shipping crate being opened, call the Bio-Hazard Control Center and request their very best radiation unit.

Help! I inhaled the turquoise smoke!

Don't panic. If you are still alive, and your vocal cords are still intact, contact us and request Ellimist's deactivation number. Say it three times. Say it very, very quickly. If you succeed, this will prevent Ellimist from solidifying inside of your lungs, which has predictably fatal consequences.

Ellimist smoke is highly carcinogenic, so we recommend that you visit a hospital and have them remove it.

After Assembly

Ellimist is largely a self-sufficient character. At about this time, you would be showing him around the house, but there is no need because he has already knows exactly how your house looks. He also doesn't need to be fed, because he leeches energy out of the air through cold fusion and the radioactive molecules contained in his body. You might also have helped him pick out a room, but when he wants to be alone he will simply turn into steam and waft invisibly around the house until he is wanted.

So, after assembly, you should take a well-deserved break and allow your eyes to readjust to reality before moving on to the next section.

What does Ellimist like to do?

Ellimist enjoys twisting time and bending space in ways that they, respectively, are not supposed to twist and not supposed to bend. But as reality-based company, we simply do not possess the resources or the authority to make the universe do things that it is not supposed to do. Perhaps if we were a less realistic company, we could give our Ellimist characters the ability to twist time, bend space, warp reality, and all of that other jazz. But we're not and we can't, so both you and your Ellimist will have to be satisfied with the universe and all of its limitations.

If the inability to break the fundamental laws of the universe upsets you, we asks that you consider the following things:

- The laws of the universe most likely have a very good reason for being here.

- Your Ellimist character is still extremely powerful.

- The speed of light is very, very fast, quick enough to get anywhere on Earth in under twelve seconds. Wanting to get somewhere any faster is just impatient.

- You probably do not even deserve to manipulate time and space anyway.

We should also add that Ellimist likes to play God with the rest of the universe. Most of the rest of the universe does not like to be treated this way, so you should take steps to insure that your Ellimist's God-like interventions are kept to a minimum.

How to maintain your Ellimist

Ellimist does not require any maintenance. (See After Assembly.)

Added Info

Your Ellimist character, fortunately for you and the country in which you live, is a benevolent creature. To the best of our knowledge, he has no plans to create any destruction, misery, or chaos of any kind. And while this is a very, very good thing, it does not mean that he is harmless. Ellimist is about as far removed from harmless as possible.

We do not plan on giving you another lecture about how dangerous Ellimist is. If you've made it this far into the manual without bringing about the apocalypse, you must be doing something right. But because keeping an all-powerful being in check is a very large task for one person, we suggest that you purchase one or more the following characters:

Cassie: All Cassie characters have built-in Sub-Temporal grounding abilities. What this means is that whenever an Ellimist character is within 20 yards of her, he cannot use any of his Raw Power. If Ellimist is out of control, not cooperating, or playing God, a Cassie character is an invaluable asset. Please note that your Ellimist character may become extremely irritated if he is Sub-Temporally grounded too often.

Jake: With great power comes great responsibility; therefore with Ellimist's infinite power comes infinite responsibility. Nobody is infinitely responsible, but Jake is as close as you're likely to get.

Crayak: If Ellimist just becomes too much too handle, and you are out of options, you may have to buy a Crayak. This will allow you to follow the Equality Model by balancing Ellimist and Crayak against each other, but there is a chance that Crayak and Ellimist will start treating the Earth like their own personal game of chess. The decision to purchase a Crayak should not be made lightly, so call 1800-555-5555 if you would like assistance our C.R.S in determining whether your household is prepared for a Crayak character or not.

In Conclusion

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not most omnipotent) member of your family. If your Ellimist character appears to be bored, please consider purchasing one of the following characters for him to manipulate:

- Elfangor

- Tobias

Drode, and to some extent Crayak, are not recommended.

Call 1800-REVIEW if you have comments, questions, requests, or complaints.